Advice for banter between friends

[debaucher]

First of all, English is not my first language.

I have two chracaters, Linda and Alex, walking on a beach and engaged in friendly roasting and banter. Linda is fond of making dad-joke style puns. I want advice regarding which of the below conversation threads work best between them, and if there is any stylistic or syntax issues, or any other problems like the wordplay not quite landing the way I expected:

Option A:

"Fuck you!"

"What queue?"

"Oh my God," Alex groaned, "why are you like this?"

Linda stood up with a chortle, dusting the sand from her clothes, and offered Alex a hand. He took it and stood up, brushing the sand off himself.

"Um … manufacturing defect, I guess," she replied.

"Maybe the manufacturers should have tried a different position," Alex quipped.

"Like how yours should have tried contraception, yet here we are," Linda shot back.

"Well, you're walking proof that those are not 100% reliable."

"You know what the ancient sages have said?" Linda gave him the side-eye. "Reusing the other person's comeback is like putting on their used underwear."

"Excuse me?" Alex held up a hand defensively. "I didn't reuse it — I turned it back on your sorry arse."

"I'll have you know that there are men who would kill for this arse!"

"Yeah, themselves for having ever touched it."

They kept bickering as they walked, a routine as old as their friendship, until the playful banter trailed off into a comfortable silence. After a few steps, Linda turned to say something to Alex, and found him absorbed in thought.

---

Option B:


"Fuck you!"

"Whoa there tiger, going straight into the action, without even a little bit of romantic build-up?" Linda smirked. "What are you doing, step-brudder?" She asked in an Anime character voice, batting eyelids while covering her mouth with one hand, in an almost perfect imitation of a porn actress's overdramatic portrayal of surprise.

"Get lost!" Alex gave her a push on the shoulder.

Linda laughed and stood up, dusting the sand from her clothes, and offered Alex a hand. He took it and stood up, brushing the sand off himself.

As they resumed walking, Alex seemed somewhat lost in thought, and quieter than usual.

 

[MrPixel]

I write a lot of this kind of playful banter between lovers and friends. "Option A" is more realistic. I see you're trying to describe more body language with the other, but the first example better tells of the relationship and personalities.

 

[TheLobster]

Option A seems quite nasty to me. Maybe this is their usual style banter, but unless you introduce a precedent for it earlier in the story it likely won’t come off as friendly teasing. I’d tone it down.

Option B is fine, though a little short.

 

[alohadave]

A sounds more realistic.

Edit: maybe not more realistic, but it flows better, and there are friends I'd banter with like this.

 

[debaucher]

Option A seems quite nasty to me. Maybe this is their usual style banter, but unless you introduce a precedent for it earlier in the story it likely won’t come off as friendly teasing. I’d tone it down.

Option B is fine, though a little short.

Thanks. I establish that this is their style early on.

 

[StillStunned]

As an English speaker, this bit is off for me:

"Fuck you!"

"What queue?"

While normally the sounds of words flow together in English, with a word like "fuck" it's cut off at the end. The hard K sound is part of what makes it such a powerful expletive. It just doesn't sound like "fuuu-queue".

 

[yowser]

I like A much better.

But with one complaint:

Keep the dialog tags simple (he said, she said.) The 'quipped' 'shot back' etc. business gets tiresome quickly, and usually stamps one as an early career writer. Long as you are clear about who is speaking, simple tags are best.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

The first sounds better, but still comes across as overly harsh.
I know male friends can banter back and forth like that, but it just seems like it goes too far.
Maybe that's realistic for some people but it doesn't feel natural.

 

[MrPixel]

As an English speaker, this bit is off for me:

I'll disagree. A mocking "Fuck you!" is frequently said as a fond rebuff of an intimate partner, eliciting an equally biting response such as "Sure! Too soon, though. You know I just came in [person C]!" And it goes comedically downhill from there.

 

[StillStunned]

I'll disagree. A mocking "Fuck you!" is frequently said as a fond rebuff of an intimate partner, eliciting an equally biting response such as "Sure! Too soon, though. You know I just came in [person C]!" And it goes comedically downhill from there.

I wasn't commenting on the use of "fuck" in friendly banter, but on the sound of its pronunciation.

The OP is making a pun with "queue" based on "fuck you" sounding like "fuh queue". And I'm saying that you're more likely to hear a hard break between "fuck" and "you". Unless the speaker is established as speaking in a slow drawl, and even then it probably wouldn't work.

 

[THBGato]

I like both. Can we have both? Is that an option?

 

[MrPixel]

The OP is making a pun with "queue" based on "fuck you" sounding like "fuh queue".

Conversely, I took the "What queue?" as a retort amounting to "You and everybody else. Take a number."

 

[StillStunned]

Conversely, I took the "What queue?" as a retort amounting to "You and everybody else. Take a number."

@debaucher would have to solve this.

 

[dirk2024]

I like A much better.

But with one complaint:

Keep the dialog tags simple (he said, she said.) The 'quipped' 'shot back' etc. business gets tiresome quickly, and usually stamps one as an early career writer. Long as you are clear about who is speaking, simple tags are best.

Doesn't that get redundant?

 

[LatinaGoddessCEO]

like both too....maybe a mix?

 

[Kelliezgirl]

Doesn't that get redundant?

It's like seasoning, a little can go along way.
For a basic two person conversation tags really aren't needed once you know who is who.

 

[Robin_Starveling]

Keep the dialog tags simple (he said, she said.) The 'quipped' 'shot back' etc. business gets tiresome quickly, and usually stamps one as an early career writer. Long as you are clear about who is speaking, simple tags are best.

Couldn’t disagree more.

OP, keep dialogue tags to the bare minimum:

“I can lick you!”

“I’d like to see you try it.”

“Well, I can do it.”

“No you can’t, either.”

“Yes I can.”

“No you can’t.”

“I can.”

“You can’t.”

“Can!”

“Can’t!”

If it works for Mark Twain, it should work for you too. And when tags are necessary, make them as varied and colorful as possible, ideally adding a touch of descriptive detail. Nothing is more monotonous than endless repetitions of “he said/she said,” constantly reminding an attentive reader that they’re reading.

 

[dirk2024]

It's like seasoning, a little can go along way.
For a basic two person conversation tags really aren't needed once you know who is who.

Thank you. I do sometimes skip using them when its just two people going back and forth.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

Thank you. I do sometimes skip using them when its just two people going back and forth.

I'd agree with Robin's point as well.
My challenge is that I like to intersperse action into the conversation.

"Well, that's unfortunate," Rebekah said as she reached for her glass of wine.

 

[yowser]

Couldn’t disagree more.

OP, keep dialogue tags to the bare minimum:


If it works for Mark Twain, it should work for you too. And when tags are necessary, make them as varied and colorful as possible, ideally adding a touch of descriptive detail. Nothing is more monotonous than endless repetitions of “he said/she said,” constantly reminding an attentive reader that they’re reading.

Agreed if it remains Very Clear who's talking. And you can do this a number of ways, including making each person's voice unique.

Twain could do this, and he was a master. From the OPs question, I deduced we are not at master's level here.

In my reading, I far prefer to hear the vivid, 'colorful' bits as you put it, when conveyed in descriptions. Otherwise it is akin to too many adverbs (snarled, retorted, yammered, etc.) Draw the picture but not via dialog tags.

 

[Robin_Starveling]

Agreed if it remains Very Clear who's talking. And you can do this a number of ways, including making each person's voice unique.

Twain could do this, and he was a master. From the OPs question, I deduced we are not at master's level here.

In my reading, I far prefer to hear the vivid, 'colorful' bits as you put it, when conveyed in descriptions. Otherwise it is akin to too many adverbs (snarled, retorted, yammered, etc.) Draw the picture but not via dialog tags.

You can’t be overly descriptive in dialogue without disrupting its flow. Descriptive beats should be used sparingly, as OP did in the line:

"Excuse me?" Alex held up a hand defensively. "I didn’t reuse it — I turned it back on your sorry arse."

Option A has only four dialogue tags. Once the first couple establish who’s speaking, the last two, “quipped” and “shot back” might be redundant, but they at least convey tone. I wouldn’t replace them with “he/she said.”

 

[ElectricBlue]

Option A, but I'd lose the over-elaborate dialogue tags. They break the flow of the dialogue, and are a dead give away of either a beginner or an ESL writer.

"She said, he said" works fine most of the time, the eye skates over the words. A lot of the time you don't need a tag at all, until the exchange reaches a point you lose track of who's speaking, and you drop one in as a placeholder. The rest of the time, the action context let's the reader know who is talking.

 

[MrHereWriting]

I'm not trying to be insulting, but this sounds more like a vaudeville routine than banter. It's kind of hammy and a little too wink wink for me.

Keeping your same writing, but with some editing

Option A:

"Fuck you!"

"What queue?"

"Oh my God," Alex groaned, "why are you like this?"

Linda stood up with a chortle, dusting the sand from her clothes, and offered Alex a hand. He took it and stood up, brushing the sand off himself.

"Um … manufacturing defect, I guess," she replied.

"Maybe the manufacturers should have tried a different [parts]. position," Alex quipped.

"Like how [Maybe] yours should have tried contraception, yet here we are," Linda shot back.

"Well, you're walking proof that those are not 100% reliable."

"You know what the ancient sages have said?" Linda gave him the side-eye. "Reusing the other person's comeback is like putting on their used underwear."

"Excuse me?" Alex held up a hand defensively. "I didn't reuse it — I turned it back on your sorry arse."

"I'll have you know that there are men who would kill for this arse!"

"Yeah, themselves for having ever touched it."

They kept bickering as they walked, a routine as old as their friendship, until the playful banter trailed off into a comfortable silence. After a few steps, Linda turned to say something to Alex, and found him absorbed in thought.

 

[iwatchus]

Beyond @StillStunned's observation, I think I much prefer A. I don't like the what queue? The rest of it works well for me.

 

[MelissaBaby]

"Fuck you!"

"What queue?"

The majority of American readers just went "Huh? What? I don't get it."