Advice for a woman on a journey of discovery...

[ShyVixen]

Yes, it's another one of the 'newbie' threads asking for advice and shared experiences. So bare with me here while I give you some details about me and my life.

I have very recently come out a long term relationship - one that almost resulted in marriage. I've always felt, with this man, and in my previous relationships, that something is missing, both emotionally and physically.

I believe, at heart, I am a submissive. And that scares the hell out of me! In all aspects of my life, I'm a control freak - I'm independent, working towards a well paid and fulfilling job, but the thought of submitting control, even if it's just sexual, excites and scares me.

Is this natural for me to feel this afraid?

I've never experienced a D/s relationship - I'm not sure I could pass some of the boundaries I've read about. I worry if I do take this step, I'll end up with a D who is not as gentle as I need.

And the one question that keeps running through my mind is- am I REALLY a submissive?

Any advice, or things to read (I'm all about the research!) that you think might help?

SV

 

[catalina_francisco]

Only you can answer the key question of whether you are a submissive. Being independent and able to run your own life is not something to be thought of as unsubmissive, in fact IMHO it actually helps in finding the strength to submit, and the desire. After all, if you know you can be those things for yourself, you have something to give to another, and you are not thrown initially into a position of feeling that without your PYL to look after you, you will be helpless. Contrary to what some believe, helplessness can be an interesting step of the journey to learn and experience, the humbling and exciting step of entering that phase whereby you might choose to be placed in a position of vulnerability unlike any you have known before. It can also be a huge rush for the one who receives the honour of taking you there, and watching and feeling that transition take place. Of course, in entering into a relationship these things can all be negotiated and it may well be you choose bedroom submission over submitting other areas of your life..anything is possible with the right person/people.

It may also be you are a masochist. It would depend on what it is which excites you. If you find you fantasise or get turned on by thoughts of being physically hurt by another, or having your emotions and/or psych played with, it could be you are masochistic with or without submissive tendencies. Once again it is about exploring your own feelings, perhaps finding someone you can trust to help you explore, and trying to keep an open mind so you are free to go where your heart and/or head take you more so than where you imagine you should be going.

As to passing boundaries/limits, for most of us who have been into it for awhile the general consensus is as you step out on your journey you can never imagine how many of those limits you will not only surrender, but do so willingly and without any pressure from a partner. As in all things in life, as you gain confidence, some things which might previously have seemed impossible become exciting and hot. It also can be the result of who you are with, how the dynamics of your individuial personalities and relationship play out in terms of limits, and how the chemistry between you directs the path you take. Most important things to remember are to begin by playing safely and making sure you know who you are playing with, keeping an open mind, and having fun along the way. Good luck wth your journey into hopeful bliss.

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1113/536289354_e14e22efe6_t.jpg Catalina

 

[ecstaticsub]

ShyVixen--Hi and welcome. As someone who is still relatively new at D/s relationships I would say it is perfectly normal to be afraid. I still get feelings of "What the hell am I doing?" or "Why did I choose this when I can just go back to straight vanilla and just do things my way" or (since I am in a long distance relationship) when I am in the airport waiting for my flight to see my Dom "Why am I flying 2000 miles to go get my ass beat?"

I too am extrememly independent, strong willed, stubborn and smart in a successful profession. But the feelings of surrender that wash over my body and mind when I am with my Dom (either in real life or even on the phone) are what I have been missing in my vanilla marriage.

Also keep in mind that it not as if you can't go back to vanilla once you try D/s. If you question whether or not you are submissive or would want to be a submissive--give it a try and if it doesn't meet your needs that's ok, too.

I am in a relationship which sometime we refer to D/s-lite. Maybe some here would question it validity. But since I am also in a vanila marriage my D/s relationship could not be all controlling. It is more of a D/g relationship I suppose. But it is perfect for us. There are so many possibilities out there, it just may take some time finding the right one for you.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

I just want to say find someone who makes you laugh and you can talk with first. As if can't let down his guard and be silly at times you know he might have control issues himself. I want to be friends first with whomever I find to walk this path with me. As if it becomes long term making plans for the future you can't have one person doing all the planning and expect both to be happy. Set clear limits and don't be afraid to express your true needs. Many fall into the trap of wanting to jump in NOW. All that usually shows you is how niave you truly were and that it takes time. AS man that truly cares should be able to wait. I'll end my rambling by wishing you good luck. And there are many ladies and a few of us gents that are here anytime you have a question.

 

[CutieMouse]

Welcome to Lit!

When I first started to sort out what I kind of thought (scared the heck out of me) was an interest in D/s, I started with a checklist. I didn't worry about if I had a partner interested in things, I didn't think too hard- I just ran through a checklist to see where I fell in the spectrum- does the idea of X turn me on, would I rather be the one doing X to someone else, or would it be hotter to have X done to me. That gave me a frame of reference to start figuring things out, and what direction I wanted to go in. (BTW- those early checklists don't have very much in common with who I am now, but it was an invaluable starting point, for me.)

Here are a few checklists from the BDSM Library pinned at the top of the forum:

http://ms.ha.md.us/~tammad/over21/b...-checklist.html
http://smvillage.com/Modules/checklist2/default.asp
http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/bdsm_checklist.html
http://members.aol.com/MasterNik/BDSMCheckList.html
http://www.domsubfriends.com/library/question1.shtml
http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/checklst.html

From that point, some people find it feels safer to explore a bit online (although online has its own pitfalls); others choose to jump right in by attending munches (monthly gathering of kinky people at a resturaunt- just a normal social thing). Between online forums and local organizations, there are plenty of ways to meet open minded people, discover things about yourself, and learn things- enjoy the journey!

 

[HottieMama]

Is this natural for me to feel this afraid?

I've never experienced a D/s relationship - I'm not sure I could pass some of the boundaries I've read about. I worry if I do take this step, I'll end up with a D who is not as gentle as I need.

Welcome, first of all. The above lines of your post really struck me.

Yes, i think it is natural to feel afraid. After all, this is all brand new to you. Even for those of us that are a "bit" less new, it is still natural to feel apprehensive when faced with a new situation.

As for boundaries...Remember...you set them. You decide if you want someone to be your Dom or not basically. Just because someone expresses an interest doesn't mean you have to submit to them. And what Snoozebutton said is very true, find someone who makes you laugh and allows you to be yourself. FOR ME...once the mind is taken over, the body follows easily...and the easiest way to do that is to make me laugh... (i'm quite the giggly girl, at times.)

Hold on tight..Enjoy the ride....and HAVE FUN above all else.

 

[Netzach]

I think it's terrifying to face the fact that you are

1. Deviant, according to the norms of your culture.

2. Crave dependence when we're all about independence, or, conversely,control when that's automatically seen as an abusive desire.

3. Eroticizing submission as a woman - though to me it's perfectly logical that one's "girl training" programming is going to get warped in some way for some people into a kink, a warping which I don't see the need to "fix" or "overcome" so much as acknowledge and honor. We tend to either mirror or defy large parts of our upbringing or large parts of the demands placed on us mentally.

4. - it's terrifying to realize you are part of a sexual minority. Because if you are warped in this wonderful fashion, dating mating meeting and finding has suddenly become a more rigorous, demanding and luck-dependent dealie. Get good on being alone, get good at casual hook ups without long term demands, get good at screening people for bullshit - whatever it takes, But develop a toolkit for the fact that meeting a potential mate has suddenly gotten a bit more difficult. That said, if you do the introspection and the work - the mate you meet will actually have a shot at satisfying your needs far far better.

 

[intothewoods]

What a great post, Netzach.

We tend to either mirror or defy large parts of our upbringing or large parts of the demands placed on us mentally.

Is this written somewhere in a book called Things That Are Totally True No Chance in Hell They Are False? Because I would like very much to cling to this and make it my security blanket.

4. - it's terrifying to realize you are part of a sexual minority. Because if you are warped in this wonderful fashion, dating mating meeting and finding has suddenly become a more rigorous, demanding and luck-dependent dealie. Get good on being alone, get good at casual hook ups without long term demands, get good at screening people for bullshit - whatever it takes, But develop a toolkit for the fact that meeting a potential mate has suddenly gotten a bit more difficult. That said, if you do the introspection and the work - the mate you meet will actually have a shot at satisfying your needs far far better.

In my recent limited experience, I've been really struck by this. I've been going to a local group's gatherings lately, and (though this group does tend more to kinky sex) I was struck by how much the emphasis is pretty much just on hooking up.

 

[ShyVixen]

Thank to everyone who offered support and advice. It really does mean a lot to have your views.

I'm going to check out those websites, do some more reading on here and see where I fit into the 'spectrum' (I hate using that word! lol).

 

[Brightdawn]

Believe me Shy when I say you are not alone.

I too am very independant, am successful at my job (climbing up the ladder so to speak) and both excited and scared at this whole new world to me.

I have always known I was a sub, I just never found anyone I trusted enough to explore it with...until now. I am lucky to have found a great guy whom I trust, respect and care for, to come with me on this journey of exploration. Although we are in a LDR we are both willing to work together to learn and grow.

I agree with Cutie, I started with a checklist and it actually taught me a lot about myself. There are many good ones there, just find one that looks the best to you, or do a few of them, some have different situations described on them.

And also, there is a lot of helpfull information right here on Lit. Take a look through all the treads, and don't forget the Library. It's helped me alot.

So relax, have fun, and enjoy hun.

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

Thank you for posting SV. I am somewhat in the same position you are being very new and wondering if I really am a submissive. There has been great advice on this thread. I am currently in an online relationship as that is all life will allow at this point. Actually this is a good thing since I am just learning what my feelings are about being a submissive and the stigma that society has surrounding that. I couldn't handle a real life D/s relationship right now. I'm lucky enough to have found someone who has become a friend and someone I can open up to about how I am feeling.

The only advice I can give is something that I have a hard time following myself is take your time. Knowing what you want and need in my opinion will help draw the partner to you that you are looking for.

Good luck.

Ivy

 

[KuriousTina]

SV - I can completely relate. I'm unusually young, for a sub, and while I've done some light experimentation in bondage, most of my experience with BDSM has been reading about it. Some of the stories on Lit are really good - Culture Shock under Novels/Novellas is definitely a favourite, if a little idealistic. CastleRealm and Wikipedia are also definitely worth a look.

I realised I was submissive just because that's what I like when I'm on dates and all - I don't mind somebody ordering for me, I don't mind them controlling the conversation. As for experiences, I definitely prefer feeling slightly helpless around a guy.

In my opinion, when looking for a Dom, don't be too idealistic - one of the problems I had with vanilla relationships is that I wanted the fairytale romance. Make sure you have a strong relationship base so that you can trust him.

I'm definitely independant and in control of my life, and submission petrifies me. But as one of my good friends from lit repeatedly says - 'have you tried it?'

 

[intothewoods]

I am in the middle of a struggle at the moment...

Do I like kinky sex? Absolutely. No brainer. Does the idea of extending the power dynamic outside of the bedroom intrigue and attract me? Yes.

If I were single, I could easily take the leap. Nothing to lose.

But I'm not yet single. And beyond that, I have a young child. If I could work out my other issues with my vanilla husband, could I live without a Master?

I don't know how to answer that question. And I know, I know. I'm the only one who can answer that. But how? How do you really know?

I've been reading. I've been to a bdsm group gathering, and will keep going. But I just don't know how to go forward.

 

[intothewoods]

Oh, never the fucking mind. My vanilla husband would prefer to be without me. He can do better. Perhaps a nice girl who isn't so complicated and morally flawed.

 

[HottieMama]

into...Are we sharing a pod today or something?

(Seriously, i JUST heard almost the EXACT same thing.)

 

[intothewoods]

into...Are we sharing a pod today or something?

(Seriously, i JUST heard almost the EXACT same thing.)

really??? maybe you are married to the female version of my husband!?

 

[BiBunny]

ITW and HM, count me in the club, too.

Sorry, that's all I'm going to say publicly.

 

[intothewoods]

ITW and HM, count me in the club, too.

Sorry, that's all I'm going to say publicly.

Sorry, Bunny. Fwiw, I think you're cool, and your tits are hot.

 

[BiBunny]

Sorry, Bunny. Fwiw, I think you're cool, and your tits are hot.

Thanks!

 

[Life_Noir]

I am in the middle of a struggle at the moment...

Do I like kinky sex? Absolutely. No brainer. Does the idea of extending the power dynamic outside of the bedroom intrigue and attract me? Yes.

If I were single, I could easily take the leap. Nothing to lose.

But I'm not yet single. And beyond that, I have a young child. If I could work out my other issues with my vanilla husband, could I live without a Master?

I don't know how to answer that question. And I know, I know. I'm the only one who can answer that. But how? How do you really know?

I've been reading. I've been to a bdsm group gathering, and will keep going. But I just don't know how to go forward.

Been pretty close to there myself...

*sigh*

The problem is.... That after all is said and done..Once you have discovered {or admitted} that you need something "more"...
Which is more harmful?....

Trying to pretend to be something which you are not.....
Or trying to pretend that you are not something you are???

{Either of which WILL make you a bit crazy over the long run}

 

[HottieMama]

Sorry, Bunny. Fwiw, I think you're cool, and your tits are hot.

Yeah...i agree. (Yes, i'm totally perving on your AV.)

 

[ShyVixen]

((hugs)) to all the ladies that need it. You should never be ashamed, and morally flawed?! Grrr, that made me so mad!

Thanks to everyone whose posting this thread with your thoughts and comments I'm learning a lot from everyone, and it's nice to see that other people are experiencing the same feelings as me

 

[liberatedslave]

It is daunting to be a single subbie. It makes you feel very vulnerable in a kinda: "If I want a guy who's prepared to dominate me doesn't that just set me up for ending up with an arrogant, abusive asshole?"

Well unfortunately it does - unless you keep your wits about you. If you take a look at the BDSM personal ads here on lit there are the usual culprits giving it the "Kneel bitch!" cyberswagger. It's worth putting an ad up just to laugh your ass off at 90% of the responses you get. But maybe 5% will be worth further investigation, and that's all that matters.

The internet is as useful as it is deceptive. You can screen guys to a degree before you meet them, find out how intelligent and articulate they are, what their personality is like and so on. If you go over facts with people it's easy to catch most of the liars out over time. You can ask for verifiable information and eventually meet in a safe, public setting. Be very careful about the information you give out. All in all it's a safer bet than chatting to some random guy in a bar and hoping you'll have something in common.

Nobody expects you to have a certain level of kink. As long as you are honest about what you would and wouldn't like to try at any stage, what kind of partner you want and so on you will in time meet someone who's desires and personality complement your own.

I do wish you the very best of luck with your journey

 

[WriterDom]

The only thing you have to fear is fear itself.

And psychotic fucks masquerading as Doms.


Do your homework. Find a good subbie friend to be a mentor. And stay the fuck away from WriterDom. He is one sick dude.

 

[FluteMaster]

The only thing you have to fear is fear itself.

And psychotic fucks masquerading as Doms.


Do your homework. Find a good subbie friend to be a mentor. And stay the fuck away from WriterDom. He is one sick dude.

And I have the crop marks to prove it.