So I'm a guy in college in the USA. I'm bi/gay and for the past 3-4 months I've been in a long distance relationship with a Dominant guy a couple states away. Yeah I can understand how that might sound like a silly thing, being it was online. But it was rather intense and serious and I was devoted to him. There were buttons he didn't really hit for me and there were things that I couldn't do for him, but overall he was a great influence on my life. He was a friend and a leader. I began losing weight, changing to a healthier lifestyle. I felt better about myself. I felt so alive and fulfilled. And it's over. Some things are happening in his life and he is no longer able to be my dom. We parted on fairly good terms and we're still talking as friends. but it leaves me in a dilemma. I've known for a long time that I'm a truly submissive person, both in and out of the bedroom. And I had become very dependent upon him to guide and lead me. To keep me on track. And now I feel completely lost. Like someone yanked the plug on me. Yeah this is a lot to digest. I'm just curious if anyone has any advice on how to keep going. How to do what i need to do in life without him there to help me. BDSM has become so much a part of my daily life and now I just feel like a shell.
Advice for a newly unowned sub?
- Thread starter jm1993
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cascadiabound
MrTs barmaid
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First...
these are not silly or inconsequential feelings.
On-line relationships can be deep and meaningful and certainly have emotional consequences. It is not at all surprising that you feel lost and adrift.
There are many others here who have experienced something similar.
You are grieving the loss of an important relationship. One that has given shape to your days and left an impression on your heart and on your mind.
Try to keep the things that he brought to you and use them for yourself. Things that are good for you. Healthy patterns of good eating and exercise. He wanted you to do those things - not just for him, but because he knew these were good for YOU.
Allow yourself to feel sad, but try not to wallow. Give yourself over to it for a period of time... you could even set a timer and then... when the timer goes off... make yourself go and DO something. take a walk. call a RL friend. Have a coffee. Go watch a movie. Do something good and enjoyable for you because YOU DESERVE it.
And in time... perhaps there will be someone else. Either in RL or on line who will be a D to your s. You have learned something about what you want and crave in your relationships. This is a valuable thing to know about yourself.
Good luck. Be kind to yourself.
cb
these are not silly or inconsequential feelings.
On-line relationships can be deep and meaningful and certainly have emotional consequences. It is not at all surprising that you feel lost and adrift.
There are many others here who have experienced something similar.
You are grieving the loss of an important relationship. One that has given shape to your days and left an impression on your heart and on your mind.
Try to keep the things that he brought to you and use them for yourself. Things that are good for you. Healthy patterns of good eating and exercise. He wanted you to do those things - not just for him, but because he knew these were good for YOU.
Allow yourself to feel sad, but try not to wallow. Give yourself over to it for a period of time... you could even set a timer and then... when the timer goes off... make yourself go and DO something. take a walk. call a RL friend. Have a coffee. Go watch a movie. Do something good and enjoyable for you because YOU DESERVE it.
And in time... perhaps there will be someone else. Either in RL or on line who will be a D to your s. You have learned something about what you want and crave in your relationships. This is a valuable thing to know about yourself.
Good luck. Be kind to yourself.
cb
Yeah that's the problem I'm experiencing. I'm struggling to actually do something. besides just sitting here at my computer. I think both of us knew that there would come a time when the relationship would no longer work due to our lifestyles and life goals. But neither planned for it to end so soon.
seela
Quark Thief
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Yep, everything cb said.
Also re: keeping on track on those positive changes. It can help to have someone to keep you on the right track, but in the end you're making the changes in your lifestyle for you, not for anybody else. You are making yourself better so that you will feel happier and healthier, like you already wrote you have.
Maybe keeping a journal would help to keep on doing the good things? I don't know any, but I'm sure there are communities online targeted for people losing weight and changing their lifestyle to a more healthy one. Documenting your journey there might be a good option for you.
Welcome to Lit!
Also re: keeping on track on those positive changes. It can help to have someone to keep you on the right track, but in the end you're making the changes in your lifestyle for you, not for anybody else. You are making yourself better so that you will feel happier and healthier, like you already wrote you have.
Maybe keeping a journal would help to keep on doing the good things? I don't know any, but I'm sure there are communities online targeted for people losing weight and changing their lifestyle to a more healthy one. Documenting your journey there might be a good option for you.
Welcome to Lit!
seela
Quark Thief
- Joined
- May 14, 2010
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Do any of your RL friends know about your breakup? If not, do you think you could tell? Maybe you could ask one or more of your friends to check in on you more regularly now just to chat and to drag you to do things even if you sometimes don't feel like it.
It's so easy to get stuck at home and wallow in your sadness.
L
La damnee elle la licorne
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I just happen to be on a day off from school. I've got to go back tomorrow. Until then, it's a matter of how long can I lay in bed. I'm just not ready to return to the living yet. I've known for years that BDSM was what I wanted. Ill save you the details but I've always been kinky. I just didn't know it was an actual thing until I got older.
cascadiabound
MrTs barmaid
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First. It's important to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
It's okay to feel sad. But...
NOW. Get up. Take a shower. Get dressed.
I'll be checking back here in 2 hours.
If you haven't done that and have something healthy to eat by then...well. young man....just do it. For yourself.
This is your check in help.
cb
cascadiabound
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I actually have managed to get up and get clothes on. and shower. and I ate lunch. I just don't want to do anything productive. Homework/laundry/etc. Yes Ma'am.
Ok
I'm less worried then.
Consider doing one load of laundry since you mentioned it.
Or take yourself for a walk. Endorphins are good for your brain.
But if you spend the next 2 hours only in front of the computer you will not be in better shape than you are now.
I'll still check back in 2 hours.
ToPleaseHim
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It will get better, jm1993.
cascadiabound
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Checking in....
How are you jm1993?
How are you jm1993?
BiBunny
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Ok, this got away from me a bit and got too long. (Sorry.)
I don't have much advice pertaining to the sub bit, buuuuuut...I am an expert in feeling like absolute shit and pulling through it, anyway.
It's ok to give yourself some time to mope. And not just to grieve over a lost relationship, but just for anything in general. I once grieved for a week because a character in a trilogy that I absolutely loved died at the end of the series. Knew it was going to happen all along, and it devastated me, anyway. So, yeah, give yourself time to mope if you need it. "Breakup" is a much better excuse than "My small and fictional trash child died."
So, yeah, it's fine to eat too much, not eat enough, sleep too much, don't sleep at all, play mindless games, listen to angry/sad music, write horrible self-pitying poetry, stare blankly at the wall, or whatever else that's not, you know, actively hurting you or others.
However...you can't do it forever, or it becomes a habit. A couple of years ago, I made a rule for myself that I was only allowed to mope for three days in a row. If I didn't want to leave my bed other than for trips to the bathroom or kitchen for three days, that was fine.
But on the fourth day, no matter how bad I felt or how much I wanted to hide in bed, I had to get up and do something productive--go buy groceries, do some work (I work at home, so it's easier to be flexible about when and how I work), clean the kitchen, cook, do laundry, pay the bills, wash the vehicle, anything that is a part of being a functional human being.
As dumb as it sounds, it actually works pretty well. If I know that I only have three days to be a useless slob of a human being, my brain is more likely to get its own shit together and get all the uselessness out before day four. If I need motivation on day four, it comes in liquid form--strong coffee.
If I still feel crappy even after getting up and accomplishing things on the fourth day, I tell myself that I have to make it through three productive days before I can go back to bed and mope again.
I'm not saying it's something that'll end all your problems because God knows it won't, but it will keep all the stuff you need to do from piling up around you and making you feel more overwhelmed and worse about yourself (which only leads to more moping, which leads to more stuff piling up, and so on).
Also, as far as the dependence thing goes, just remind yourself constantly that you lived x number of years without him, and you can do it for x more years, too. I am a firm believer in the idea that nobody can run your life better than you yourself can, simply because you've been doing it the longest, and you know what works and what doesn't.
If the lost "I have no idea what I'm doing, HELP" feeling continues after a few weeks, a therapist might help you be able to prioritize things and get it all together again. I'm not saying you're crazy or anything, mind you, just that a therapist will probably give you better advice than a bunch of crazy strangers on the Interwebs.
I don't have much advice pertaining to the sub bit, buuuuuut...I am an expert in feeling like absolute shit and pulling through it, anyway.
It's ok to give yourself some time to mope. And not just to grieve over a lost relationship, but just for anything in general. I once grieved for a week because a character in a trilogy that I absolutely loved died at the end of the series. Knew it was going to happen all along, and it devastated me, anyway. So, yeah, give yourself time to mope if you need it. "Breakup" is a much better excuse than "My small and fictional trash child died."
So, yeah, it's fine to eat too much, not eat enough, sleep too much, don't sleep at all, play mindless games, listen to angry/sad music, write horrible self-pitying poetry, stare blankly at the wall, or whatever else that's not, you know, actively hurting you or others.
However...you can't do it forever, or it becomes a habit. A couple of years ago, I made a rule for myself that I was only allowed to mope for three days in a row. If I didn't want to leave my bed other than for trips to the bathroom or kitchen for three days, that was fine.
But on the fourth day, no matter how bad I felt or how much I wanted to hide in bed, I had to get up and do something productive--go buy groceries, do some work (I work at home, so it's easier to be flexible about when and how I work), clean the kitchen, cook, do laundry, pay the bills, wash the vehicle, anything that is a part of being a functional human being.
As dumb as it sounds, it actually works pretty well. If I know that I only have three days to be a useless slob of a human being, my brain is more likely to get its own shit together and get all the uselessness out before day four. If I need motivation on day four, it comes in liquid form--strong coffee.
If I still feel crappy even after getting up and accomplishing things on the fourth day, I tell myself that I have to make it through three productive days before I can go back to bed and mope again.
I'm not saying it's something that'll end all your problems because God knows it won't, but it will keep all the stuff you need to do from piling up around you and making you feel more overwhelmed and worse about yourself (which only leads to more moping, which leads to more stuff piling up, and so on).
Also, as far as the dependence thing goes, just remind yourself constantly that you lived x number of years without him, and you can do it for x more years, too. I am a firm believer in the idea that nobody can run your life better than you yourself can, simply because you've been doing it the longest, and you know what works and what doesn't.
If the lost "I have no idea what I'm doing, HELP" feeling continues after a few weeks, a therapist might help you be able to prioritize things and get it all together again. I'm not saying you're crazy or anything, mind you, just that a therapist will probably give you better advice than a bunch of crazy strangers on the Interwebs.
Hey I just wanted to say thanks to everybody. I'm feeling better today. Honestly yesterday i was slipping off into mild depression. I couldn't really do anything about it other than let it happen. I had nothing to really bring me out of it. It wasn't because of hard feelings or anything with my Master. Me and him are on good terms. I'm very much at peace over how things ended. I just felt lost without that dominant force in my life. And i certainly couldn't ask for an extension of some sort. I have a dom I sort of know from tumblr who said he's going to try and help me how he can to help me transition until I'm better off. In the mean time, today school started back so I had to get up and go to classes. And that helped. I'm feeling a good bit better. Time will tell but I'm ok for now.
cascadiabound
MrTs barmaid
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Glad to hear you are doing better today.
Be kind to yourself.
Let us know how things go.
Welcome to Lit.
cb
Be kind to yourself.
Let us know how things go.
Welcome to Lit.
cb
