Advice for a new sub

[curiousjen]

My partner and i have been in a long term relationship and totally faithful to each other during the four years we've been together. As those of you who have read some of my other posts will know, we've been undergoing a sort of sexual revolution.

We've been experimenting with kink- me going on top- him going on top- and whilst I enjoyed domming somewhat- it was more in a "this is fun" sense than a sexual one if that makes sense. something about subbing just feels *right* I can't explain it better than that. I've always had a warped relationship with pain- as young as aged 12/13 I was pouring candle wax over myself when i masturbated, and putting clothes pegs on my nipples. Before I'd even heard of BDSM I was gonig on the inertnet and asking men to describe sexually torturing me) There's just always been that pleasure/ pain dicotemy in my sex life. That is until I started getting boyfriends and was too ashamed to tell them thats what i liked. SO for the past eight years been mostly vanilla. NOw i've discovered there is a word- and a community that likes what i like, and this excites me no end

I've been struggling with the idea of being a sub internally, as i'm sure many people do, especaially because i consider my self a radical feminist and i've not read many books in which a feminist loves to be tied up and spanked and humiliated and this is ok. But with the help of people i've read online i am starting to realise that you can be a strong fiesty independent woman and a sexual submissive.

Anyhow, my partner who i love more than anything just isn't that way inclined, and whilst he is prepared to fool around with blindfolds and handcuffs, the kind of play I really crave, the kind of pain i really need he just can't/won't do. So we were talking about this this morning, and as he has "interests" that i'm not prepared/able to do as well, we thought it would be sensible if we looked outside the relationship to fulfill our differiing sexual needs. THis is a big step for both of us, but i feel its the right one- rather than bending each other into something we're not and damanging our relationship in the process.

A lot of you who post here seem to be in 24/7 D/s relationships but I was wondering if someome like me would be able to fit into the BDSM world- that is - in a relativily "vanilla" relationship, but able to play away from home so to speak. Is this normal/usual?

Are most Doms looking for an intense long term relationship with their subs or do you think i can find someone just to play with-to introduce me gently to the world that fascinates me so much- an intense relationship at the time- but then I would return to my SO and not have any/much contact except when we play. I'm not looking for a D/s relationship outside the context of play. I'm also probably repeating my self 100 times!

Where would I look for someone like this (it could be a man or a woman) Where do i start? WHat about play parties, would they be good for someone like me? I'm also worried about safety. I feel like a whole world is opening up for me- its very exciting.

Any help or advice would be appreciated from anyone but especiially someone who has been/knows someone in/ is in a similer situation.

thanks

Jen

 

[Learn Humility]

I am a Dom, in a totally vanilla LTR, who has been quite lucky to find a willing submissive, also in a LTR with a submissive husband.

As much as I would prefer a 24/7 D/s relationship with my SO, that just isn't going to happen, nor will it for her.

We both have fairly flexible work schedules, and are quite content at the moment to see each other for anywhere from a few hours at a time to an entire day and evening once or twice a week, in addition to e-mail, IM, and telephone correspondence.

While our time together obviously is not spent entirely on sex, it is conducted entirely within a D/s context, so it's really a 24/7 relationship without the 24/7 part, so to speak.

The choices, as I see it, are to either find "play partners" for quick and relatively anonymous encounters, or find a Dom with whom you can develop a LTR with within the confines of your availability.

I have been down both roads, and can tell you, at least from my own personal POV, that finding someone with whom you can have the LTR outside of your "regular" relationship is infinitely more satisfying.

If you go that route, I would only advise that you find a Dom who is in a similar LTR situation as yourself.

 

[snowy ciara]

You may want to look at the "the Ethical Slut" by Eastman and Liszt. It's primarily about handling poly relationships, but a lot of it applies here. Which makes sense, cause they're both merry kinksters too.

Also, you may want to search out a bdsm group in your area. Frequently, you can find someone to mess around with at the the parties they might throw and then go home when you're all hot and bothered and attack your sweetie in a mutually satisfying way.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I don't give advice. You have to find what works for you and what you can live with and go with it.

No matter what anyone tells you, that is what you will do in the end, anyway.

Good luck with your journey, wherever it takes you.