Adverbs.

[Jubal_Harshaw]

Like good spice, use as much or little as you like. If someone doesn't like it, they can eat somewhere else.

Two weechy zone.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Sweet mother-of-pearl, a writing thread has sneakily slipped into the Hangout. http://bestsmileys.com/surprised/5.gif

Stella is, as usual, right. There has been a lot of good advice on this thread. Here comes an exception. If you feel it necessary to hang onto your adverbs, then at least consider giving each one its own sentence. Considering the low esteem adverbs currently enjoy, using two or more in a sentence might attract unfavorable attention of agents, publishers, maybe ever a reader or two.

I used the MS Word search feature to check your story for words ending in, "ly." Of the 750 words, about 25 were "ly" adverbs. While adverb use is a subjective style issue, that strikes me as being a bunch.

Stephen King isn't the only writer down on adverbs. Here is Elmore Leonard's fourth rule of writing:

4. Never use an adverb to modify the verb “said” . . .

. . . he admonished gravely. To use an adverb this way (or almost any way) is a mortal sin. The writer is now exposing himself in earnest, using a word that distracts and can interrupt the rhythm of the exchange. I have a character in one of my books tell how she used to write historical romances “full of rape and adverbs.”

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Stella_Omega]

... Elmore Leonard's fourth rule of writing:



Rumple Foreskin

Gotta love that man!I learned a lot from him about economical writing. He can sketch out a character in less than a paragraph

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Gotta love that man!I learned a lot from him about economical writing. He can sketch out a character in less than a paragraph

Yep, and just about all the writing "experts" say his dialogue is first-rate.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Pure]

re draft

hi mckai.

i took out almost all adjectives [except possessive ones and articles] and adverbs [except 'not', 'never' etc.] just to show you a possibility; I count less than 7, total (about 1%). There were about 70+ to begin with: I found both of these overabundant (about 10% with 1/3 of those being "-ly" adverbs). Also, keep in mind the freshness of the adjectives is an issue: hot pussy is not usually good writing.

[Pure's edited version]

The Ethic of Reciprocity

His fingers gripped her throat as his gaze penetrated her. She felt the power radiating from him as he grasped her body. She saw the dark of his eyes as they delved into her soul.

His beauty almost pained her, the thickness of the muscles of his arms, his shoulders, perfect in proportion. His eyes shone, but there was a trace of irony in them. He held her still as she shivered, lying there, exposed in the thinness of her camisole. The breeze from the window she had opened was rustling the curtains as she stared, without moving, up at her captor.

He pursed his lips and pondered her for the moment. He could kill her--a piece of cake. He had killed the others: he had fun; the blood, there was the sport. But, there was something about this one. She could not defend herself. She could protect neither her innocence, nor her virginity. He loved women, loved to kiss and taste and fuck them, but with this one there was a difference. She was distinguished from her peers … how? Perhaps the way she was looking at him now, with that mixture of terror and incomprehension at the core. She could be tortured in a thousand ways, but he did not want to do it. And, indeed, could never have entertained such a thought.

Not relaxing his hold on her, he bent to whisper in her ear: "No harm will come to you if you cooperate."

He pulled back, and she shook her head in agreement. He bent forward and kissed her, hard on the mouth. Her eyes widened, but she said nothing.

His hand went to her cheek, caressing its softness as he inhaled to the depths, the scent of her perfume, its luxury exciting his senses. She couldn’t avoid trembling as his hand grasped her, and moved down her arm, falling to rest at her waist. His grip was like a vice, but his face glowed in rapture. A tear ran down her cheek as she realized what he intended to do. Tenderness welled up in him and he brushed it away, leaning to kiss her again.

"Don't be afraid. It won't hurt," he said, slipping the straps of her nightshirt from her shoulders. She inspired awe, as he had imagined, breasts the color of cream hung like fruit at the point of ripeness, in the blue of her eyes, an innocence and a helplessness endeared her. He was melting.

Removing the hand from her throat, he replaced it with kisses, dropping them like petals along her neck and behind her ears. Her taste excited him, his mouth moving over her collarbone as his hands sought and found her breasts, touched their perfection. She moaned in fear as his hands kneaded her flesh, and was aware of the sensuality of his mouth caressing her shoulder.


"I'm going to take you now," he whispered. He flipped her over and dragged her backward, then bared her buttocks before pushing into her, the length of him soon nudging the entrance to her womb as her slickness enveloped him, caressing. His foreplay had done its work. She amazed him, as he hadn't been with a woman he craved, for some time. Aroused as he was, in a moment he spent himself inside her. She was sobbing as he zipped his pants. Without effort, he replaced her on her rear.

"Your turn," he said, spreading her legs, ignoring her tears, her surprise. His kisses lighted on the inside of her thighs, soothing her, then began his ministrations. Her clitoris had swollen. He tasted her body's lubrication that had ensured that she had suffered no pain. Taking his time, he massaged her vulva with his tongue, hearing the soft "Oh" escape her, and he felt her relax, just a little, against him. He sensed the beginnings of her arousal as he caressed her pussy with his lips and tongue, taking care to avoid her opening.

He smiled at her response. He was close to loving her as she came, her body quivering just a little as she climaxed. He kissed her as she sank into his arms, smoothing her hair as she cried. She seemed weak, her face pressed against his chest. She had made love with such skill; had pleased him well. Already, he was planning that she satisfy his needs in the future.

He raised her face to his. He kissed her again, and she sensed his gentleness.

"You're the best I've ever had," he said.

 

[tanyachrs]

I've seen worse use of adverbs but what you're doing here, occasionally, is lessening the effect of your words. For instance

"I'm going to take you now," he whispered again, simply.

is a non-simple construction, thereby negating your intent.

"I'm going to take you now," he said.

is simpler and, in my opinion, more effective. That's the trouble with adverbs is they tend to dilute, rather than add to, the real content of the sentence.

I particularly hate the the word "quickly" since inserting it always makes the sentence read more slowly. I also think the adverbs "softly" and "slowly" (and all synonyms thereof) are way overused in erotica.

 

[gauchecritic]

I think I use "although" quite a bit too much as well as "and". yes, I use "and" way too much

The critical thing about 'and' is the number of words used between one 'and' and 'and', and 'and' and the next one.

 

[damppanties]

The critical thing about 'and' is the number of words used between one 'and' and 'and', and 'and' and the next one.

I said that out loud and amused myself. I need a life.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Mck,

I've always thought those giving advice to a writer are a bit like bystanders on the edge of a bayou yelling out suggestions while the poor scribbler is out in the middle of the bayou, dodging alligators and trying to stay above water.

That said, the edits by Gauche and Pure were great teaching tools since one just deleted adverbs while the other deleted and did a bit of re-writing. Not wanting this topic to stop on a high note, I decided to see how FEW words I could use in a spare, Hemingwayesque re-write of the first paragraph.

ORG: His fingers gripped her throat fiercely as his eyes gazed penetratingly into hers. She felt the power radiating from him as he held her in his grasp, the dark eyes steady as they delved deeply, into her soul. (38 words)

REV: Strong fingers gripped her throat. His body radiated power. His dark gaze penetrated her soul. (15 words)

Is my revision better? Nope. The same applies to those of Gauche and Pure. Our revisions weren't better than your original, just different. What's best is what you decide will most effectively communicate the story you have in mind. Guess that's the art involved with the craft of writing.

Good luck.

Ramblin' Rumple Foreskin

 

[gauchecritic]

Good point your reverence. My edit was just an example of where I thought adverbs could be deleted or changed.
If I'd been writing (or re-writing) it would probably be longer even without the adverbs as I'm prone to excessive verbiage whilst performing abominable, contextual ellipsis. (using more and complicated words and leaving out necessary information)

 

[mckai777]

Oh jeez, you guys. I'm so sorry about not having been here and leaving you all hanging by this thread.

Where to start? Again, thanks to all who contributed, especially 3113, Rumple, Pure and Gauche. I have come to the conclusion that, in order to preserve my sanity, I'm just going to have to say to hell with it and write strictly for myself. I don't intend to attempt the commercial publication of my work, and I'm not going to destroy the thing I love by trying to make it perfect for others.

So, there you have it, folks. So let it be written, so let it be done!

 

[Pure]

mc kai, as someone once said, if one truly 'wrote for oneself', one would leave the pages in the desk drawer.

 

[TheeGoatPig]

mc kai, as someone once said, if one truly 'wrote for oneself', one would leave the pages in the desk drawer.

No. That's just silly. You can write for yourself and show it to others. Nothing is so cut and dry as that.

 

[mckai777]

mc kai, as someone once said, if one truly 'wrote for oneself', one would leave the pages in the desk drawer.

You got me there.