Adverbs.

[mckai777]

For the love of God, help me. I've been accused of employing too many of these in my writing, but I've found it extremely difficult to develop plot and character in such a short span without them (most of my pieces are under 1000 words). Most recently, I attempted to revise one of my favorite shorts with the intent of replacing every last blessed adverb, and failed miserably; the work that resulted was about half as potent as the original.

I'm at my wits end. I think I'm going to say to hell with it, unless someone here is sage enough to point me toward a solution.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

"Remember Tom Swift? He was the kid who couldn't do anything without an adverb," she said smartly.

 

[mckai777]

"Remember Tom Swift? He was the kid who couldn't do anything without an adverb," she said smartly.

Smartass.

 

[3113]

For the love of God, help me. I've been accused of employing too many of these in my writing, but I've found it extremely difficult to develop plot and character in such a short span without them (most of my pieces are under 1000 words). Most recently, I attempted to revise one of my favorite shorts with the intent of replacing every last blessed adverb, and failed miserably; the work that resulted was about half as potent as the original.

If you have happily and persistently used adverbs to strongly and more powerfully create stories, then I see no reason to brutally cut them out

The rules of creative writing are that there are no rules, so long as you know what you are doing and why--and so long as what you are doing served a good purpose. If the story needs it, it needs it. If it does not, then it should be able to stand without. So if it does not stand without, if it's a story that's better for it's adverbs, then keep them in.

 

[R. Richard]

Each writer has/develops a style. If your style tends towrd more use of adverbs, so be it. If some people say you use too many adverbs, that is an opinion. If everyone says that you use too many adverbs, that is a consensus.

 

[Pure]

Most recently, I attempted to revise one of my favorite shorts with the intent of replacing every last blessed adverb, and failed miserably; the work that resulted was about half as potent as the original.

Why not post it, and I or someone will quickly and efficiently remove most of the adverbs.

IIRC, the stylistic objections emphasize the -ly ones.

 

[mckai777]

If you have happily and persistently used adverbs to strongly and more powerfully create stories, then I see no reason to brutally cut them out

The rules of creative writing are that there are no rules, so long as you know what you are doing and why--and so long as what you are doing served a good purpose. If the story needs it, it needs it. If it does not, then it should be able to stand without. So if it does not stand without, if it's a story that's better for it's adverbs, then keep them in.

That's sort of the conclusion I've reached myself. It's just that I've heard of guys like Stephen King (whom I never read), saying things like, "The road to hell is paved with adverbs." Shit like that scares me, but I've come to realize that I'm not a novelist. My stories are quick and dirty, and I never do serials. I think that is the crucial difference between me and someone like King, who has to focus on lengthy plot and character development, and must avoid the ever-present temptation to take shortcuts.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Seriously, McKai -
I've read the two stories you have posted. I didn't see anything inappropriate about your use of adverbs. Whoever made that comment had his undies on backwards.

 

[mckai777]

Why not post it, and I or someone will quickly and efficiently remove most of the adverbs.

The Ethic of Reciprocity

His fingers gripped her throat fiercely as his eyes gazed penetratingly into hers. She felt the power radiating from him as he held her in his grasp, the dark eyes steady as they delved deeply, into her soul.

He was breathtaking, an almost painfully beautiful beast of a man, with thickly-muscled arms and shoulders, perfectly proportioned, and eyes brightly ironic. He held her still as she lay shivering in her thin camisole, the breeze from the open window rustling the curtains as she stared, unmoving, up at her captor.

He pursed his lips and pondered her for the moment. He could kill her, and far too easily at that. He could kill her as he had killed so many others: for fun, for blood sport. But, there was something about this one. She seemed so innocent, so fresh and lovely and virginal. He loved women, loved to kiss and taste and fuck them, but this one seemed to him altogether different. She was elevated, distinguished from her peers by a certain something. Perhaps the way she was looking at him now, with that mixture of terror and complete incomprehension. The thought occurred to him that, though he knew he could torture her in a thousand different ways, she did not. And, indeed, could never have entertained such a thought.

Not relaxing his hold on her, he bent to whisper in her ear: "No harm will come to you, provided you cooperate."

He pulled back, and she shook her head vigorously. He bent forward and kissed her, hard on the mouth. Her eyes went wide, but she said nothing.

His hand went to her soft cheek, caressing it lightly as he inhaled her fully, the scent of her expensive perfume exciting his senses. She trembled violently as his strong, smooth hand ran possessively down her arm, falling to rest at her waist. His grip was as vice-like as ever, but he was looking at her now with unconcealed animal lust. A tear ran down that cheek as she realized what he intended to do, and he brushed it away almost tenderly as he leaned to kiss her again.

"Don't be afraid. It won't hurt," he said, slipping the straps of her nightshirt from her shoulders. She was as awe-inspiring as he, trim and with creamy breasts that hung heavy from her torso, and large, innocent blue eyes that regarded him with such an endearing and utter helplessness. He was charmed.

Removing the hand from her throat, he replaced it with kisses, planting them softly along her neck and behind her ears. God, she was delicious, he thought, his mouth moving over her collarbone as his hands sought and found her perfect breasts. She moaned in fear as his hands kneaded her flesh, his mouth pausing sensually over her shoulder.

"I'm going to take you now," he whispered again, simply. He flipped her over and dragged her backward, until her bare buttocks were positioned against the front him. He removed his trousers before pushing into her, the hot length of him soon nudging the entrance to her womb as the walls of her sexual organ caressed and enveloped him. She felt wonderful to him, as he hadn't had a woman he desired this much in a while, and his foreplay had done its work.

Aroused as he was, he quickly spent himself inside her. She was sobbing as he zipped his pants and replaced her effortlessly on her rear.

"Your turn," he said, spreading her legs as she gaped tearfully at him.

He kissed her inner thighs soothingly, then began his ministrations. Her clitoris was red and swollen, and her body's natural lubrication had ensured that his violation of her had not been painful. Slowly, he massaged her vulva with his tongue, hearing the first soft "Oh" escape her, as she relaxed almost imperceptibly against him. He felt the beginnings of her arousal as he patiently worked her genitals with his lips and tongue, carefully avoiding the sensitive vaginal opening.

He smiled almost lovingly at her as she came, her body quivering slightly as she climaxed. He kissed her as she sank into his arms, smoothing her hair as she cried weakly, her face pressed against his chest. She had performed admirably, and he was well-pleased with her. Already, he intended on her satisfying his future needs, as well.

Gently, he raised her face to his, and kissed her again.

"You're the best I've ever had," he said.

 

[cloudy]

I might not have noticed if you hadn't brought it to my attention, but since you have...yeah, they're used a little much for my taste.

1st para: 2 sentences, 3 adverbs.

2nd para: in the first sentence alone - 4

3rd para: reads nicely

etc.

I don't believe that you should completely eliminate adverbs from your writing, but that you should be aware of how often you're using them. Like any seasoning, most of the time a judicious hand is best.

 

[mckai777]

Seriously, McKai -
I've read the two stories you have posted. I didn't see anything inappropriate about your use of adverbs. Whoever made that comment had his undies on backwards.

Thanks, JJ. I am rather sensitive about the issue, though, since it seems to come up so often both in conversation here and the only book I've read on the subject. To be fair, I think the story I've posted above relies much more on adverbs than my two current Lit submissions.

 

[gauchecritic]

[Square brackets = cut] (round brackets = change)

The Ethic of Reciprocity

His fingers gripped her throat [fiercely] as his eyes [gazed] penetrated[ingly into] hers. She felt the power radiating from him as he held her in his grasp, the dark eyes steady as they delved [deeply], into her soul.

<>

He pursed his lips and pondered(?) her for the moment.

<>

He pulled back, and she shook her head (vigorously). He bent forward and kissed her, hard on the mouth. Her eyes went wide, but she said nothing.

His hand went to her soft cheek, caressing it lightly as he inhaled her [fully], the scent of her expensive perfume exciting his senses. She trembled [violently] as his strong, smooth hand ran possessively down her arm, falling to rest at her waist. His grip was as vice-like as ever, but he was looking at her now with unconcealed animal lust. A tear ran down that cheek as she realized what he intended to do, and he brushed it away almost tenderly as he leaned to kiss her again.

"Don't be afraid. It won't hurt," he said, slipping the straps of her nightshirt from her shoulders. She was as awe-inspiring as he, trim and with (creamy) breasts that hung heavy from her torso, and large, innocent blue eyes that regarded him with such an endearing and utter helplessness. He was charmed.

Removing the hand from her throat, he replaced it with kisses, planting them softly along her neck and behind her ears. God, she was delicious, he thought, his mouth moving over her collarbone as his hands sought and found her (perfect) breasts. She moaned in fear as his hands kneaded her flesh, his mouth pausing [sensually] over her shoulder.

"I'm going to take you now," he whispered again, [simply]. He flipped her over and dragged her backward, until her bare buttocks were positioned against the front him. He removed his trousers before pushing into her, the hot length of him soon nudging the entrance to her womb as the walls of her sexual organ caressed and enveloped him. She felt wonderful to him, as he hadn't had a woman he desired this much in a while, and his foreplay had done its work.

Aroused as he was, he (quickly) spent himself inside her. She was sobbing as he zipped his pants and replaced her effortlessly on her rear.

"Your turn," he said, spreading her legs as she gaped tearfully at him.

He kissed her inner thighs [soothingly], then began his ministrations. Her clitoris was red and swollen, and her body's natural lubrication had ensured that his violation of her had not been painful. Slowly, he massaged her vulva with his tongue, hearing the first soft "Oh" escape her, as she relaxed [almost imperceptibly] against him. He felt the beginnings of her arousal as he patiently worked her genitals with his lips and tongue, carefully avoiding the sensitive vaginal opening.

He smiled [almost lovingly] at her as she came, her body quivering slightly as she climaxed. He kissed her as she sank into his arms, smoothing her hair as she cried weakly, her face pressed against his chest. She had performed admirably, and he was well-pleased with her. Already, he intended on her satisfying his future needs, as well.

Gently, he raised her face to his, and kissed her again.

"You're the best I've ever had," he said.

$.02

 

[mckai777]

I don't believe that you should completely eliminate adverbs from your writing, but that you should be aware of how often you're using them. Like any seasoning, most of the time a judicious hand is best.

This is good advice, and I will most definitely heed it in the future. However, I'm still lost as how to salvage this particular piece. I am loathe to change it. I like it the way it is, God help me.

 

[DG Hear]

To Jenny

Seriously, McKai -
I've read the two stories you have posted. I didn't see anything inappropriate about your use of adverbs. Whoever made that comment had his undies on backwards.

I don't know you but I do look at some of the threads and you seem like a very intelligent person with a good quick wit.

Most of your advice is, in my opinion very good, including the adverb scenario. In my very humble opinion, a writer ought to write what he/she feels and to do as well as possible. Opinions are fine and everyone has them, just like assholes. Unless, the feedback is really bad, do what you damn well please. Keep up with the good advive Jenny, it makes me laugh, 'so he said.'
DG Hear

 

[mckai777]

[Square brackets = cut] (round brackets = change)

$.02

Thank you so much for this. I welcome any constructive criticism I can get.

 

[3113]

That's sort of the conclusion I've reached myself. It's just that I've heard of guys like Stephen King (whom I never read), saying things like, "The road to hell is paved with adverbs." Shit like that scares me

The problem with this sort of advice from writers is that it works best if you want to write *just like them* Stephen is a popular author, and I've no doubt that leaving out the adverbs helps to make his writing read faster and thus be popular...but that doesn't mean his method suits all stories or all reading tastes.

If you're writing "Old Yeller" rather than Cujo, then adverbs may pave the road to heaven rather than hell.

This isn't to say that it's bad advice; however, most of the time, such advice is for beginning writers who are making common mistakes. If you're aware enough of your style and what the adverbs do to strengthen your story, then you're probably beyond Stephen's advice. It's not a stupid mistake on your part, rather, it is, as Cloudy put it, intentional seasoning that works for this particular dish.

Stephen may still tell you that the American Public prefers hamburgers and french fries and if you want to sell that story, it'd better be kept plain and simple; but if you're making Italian meatballs instead, his advice to forgo the garlic powder isn't going to work. The Italian meatballs won't succeed without it...and all you have to decide is if you've added too much, not whether you need to add it or not.

 

[Vermilion]

Heya- I read the first few posts, but scanned the second half, so please excuse me if I repeat advice already given...

Try this exercise given to me by a friend who did a degree in creative writing.

write a short piece, say 300-500 words, and completely excise every single adverb from it.

Obviously this will not be suitable for future pieces of writing and may lead to a bland result, but it ought to make you think about how often you're using adverbs and also help you to develop some alternatives.

It's worth a shot, anyway. Try this exercise, then write a piece that does include adverbs and see whether you find it any easier to lessen the numbers.

As far as your existing pieces go - leave them alone. There are many reasons, one being that retrospectively editing them so heavily would probably ruin them and second being that if you do manage to find a new style it'll be nice to have something to compare it to.

Hope this helps
x
V

 

[mckai777]

The problem with this sort of advice from writers is that it works best if you want to write *just like them* Stephen is a popular author, and I've no doubt that leaving out the adverbs helps to make his writing read faster and thus be popular...but that doesn't mean his method suits all stories or all reading tastes.

If you're writing "Old Yeller" rather than Cujo, then adverbs may pave the road to heaven rather than hell.

This isn't to say that it's bad advice; however, most of the time, such advice is for beginning writers who are making common mistakes. If you're aware enough of your style and what the adverbs do to strengthen your story, then you're probably beyond Stephen's advice. It's not a stupid mistake on your part, rather, it is, as Cloudy put it, intentional seasoning that works for this particular dish.

Stephen may still tell you that the American Public prefers hamburgers and french fries and if you want to sell that story, it'd better be kept plain and simple; but if you're making Italian meatballs instead, his advice to forgo the garlic powder isn't going to work. The Italian meatballs won't succeed without it...and all you have to decide is if you've added too much, not whether you need to add it or not.

Wow, thanks for that. Part of the reason I posted this thread in the first place was to gain fresh perspective, which you have generously provided.

Try this exercise

Hate exercise, but love the new boot.

 

[Grushenka]

If you're writing "Old Yeller" rather than Cujo, then adverbs may pave the road to heaven rather than hell.

Spot on. The meatball metaphor too .

Gauchecritic's suggestions work if you're interested in a more literary style, but some people prefer 'creamy' tits and other such vigorously laden descriptives in their porn. Yours is the style I might read for a long, liesurely hand session. If in a hurry I'd use someone who wrote like Hemingway.

Speaking of adverbial bricks, there's also a popular grammar book called, "When You Catch an Adjective, Kill It". Everyone's got opinions, stick to your proverbial guns, mckai.

 

[mckai777]

Spot on. The meatball metaphor too.

Gauchecritic's suggestions work if you're interested in a more literary style, but some people prefer 'creamy' tits and other such vigorously laden descriptives in their porn. Yours is the style I might read for a long, liesurely hand session. If in a hurry I'd use someone who wrote like Hemingway.

Speaking of adverbial bricks, there's also a popular grammar book called, "When You Catch an Adjective, Kill It". Everyone's got opinions, stick to your proverbial guns, mckai.

Thanks for the insight, and will do.

 

[jomar]

This is good advice, and I will most definitely heed it in the future. However, I'm still lost as how to salvage this particular piece. I am loathe to change it. I like it the way it is, God help me.

If you like it leave it. I'm in the cloudy camp. I probably wouldn't have noticed if I wasn't looking for them. Having said that, the first para might read a bit smoother if "...his gaze penetrated hers...." But take that with a grain of salt too.

 

[Stella_Omega]

oh, I got in too late! Still, you got great advice, and I couldn't say more- I'm sure you'll all be grateful for that

Gauche did a great job, IMO And didn't suggest many changes- See, it wasn't nearly as bad as you thought!

 

[mckai777]

But take that with a grain of salt too.

Oh honey, I never take anyone too seriously 'round these parts.

See, it wasn't nearly as bad as you thought!

Nay, infinitely worse!

Thanks again to all who contributed to this thread.

 

[only_more_so]

I think it was the first sentence that set the guy off, having two adverbs in a single sentence is a bit much. Once the first one is noticed, the others begin to stand out. Gauche gave some good simple edits which for the most part maintain the strength of the statements while toning down the number of adverbs.

The road to hell is paved with a lot of things, not just adverbs. My biggest problem is I use the word "although" way too often. Now that you are conscious that there might be a problem, occurances will start standing out to you and you can keep the ones you need.

 

[TheeGoatPig]

I think I use "although" quite a bit too much as well as "and". yes, I use "and" way too much