adulterous affairs and flings

[Guest]

Hi. I was just wondering how many here have engaged in an adulterous affair or fling. I do think that there is a difference between the two, with the affair being something far more protracted and possibly complicated. Did you enjoy it? Why did you do it? Was it worth it? I had the chance ya see to have a fling and it took all the power in my body to resist his incrediably powerful and blatant come-on. I don't regret declining but...well maybe I do because he is one of the hottest guys I've ever met and I can't seem to get my mind off of it or off of him for that matter. He hasn't pushed it since that day though I know if I made a move he would take it. I really don't think I will though as the moment has passed and I highly highly doubt we'll be alone together in that sort of situation again. Besides, I just don't think I have it in me to handle cheating on the husband I love....now if only I could get passed the "what coulda been..." So I just wanted to hear from some other people that may have been in the same situation and whether or not they resisted a gorgeous illicit treat!

 

[Noneyabizness]

Don't do it!

 

[MissTaken]

I have never committed adultery or anything like that, but cna remember times when someone hit on my and it really felt good.

Then, to wonder , "What if?"

Basically, attention from someone outside your marriage can be a real ego boost, especially if your SO isn't giving you all those exciting little kudos that we really need.

It is natural to be attracted to someone. Some may even say monogamy is unnatural.

My advice:

Enjoy the feeling of being alive and a sexual being, but acting on it? Huge mistake.

IMHO.

 

[Lust Engine]

Those few moments of pleasure probably won't outweigh any feelings of guilt you're liable to feel weeks down the road. If you have any sense of a moral compass & caring for your SO, you'd avoid that kind of temptation.

 

[hotNnasty]

Hi. I was just wondering how many here have engaged in an adulterous affair or fling. I do think that there is a difference

I don't think there is any difference. One just takes more time and energy than the other.
I was married to someone that did both all the time. He said after the first time it just got easier.
I guess some people don't feel bad afterwards and think it's fine.
Everyone to their own opinion.


Fantasizing about it can be a cool outlet


Trollin LE

 

[deliciously_naughty]

Shrug...it depends.

But it is true that once you do it, doing it again doesn't seem like that big a deal. Slippery slope my friend

 

[peachykeen]

the way I see it, that's a line that once crossed, puts you at a point of no return - even if you only do it once. I don't think I want to sacrifice my integrity in that way. My husband and I have our difficulties but I feel we owe it to eachother to try every possible way of working things out, and/or make a decision to stay together or split up before getting involved - even 'just' physically - with others. I mean, that is at the heart of the commitment we made to eachother, right?

 

[Lust Engine]

Once you draw that line in the sand and cross it, it's awfully tough to come back from it.

 

[Guest]

While I tend to agree with you all really, I think adultery is such a complex kettle of fish. Now I know that there are those out there that would see nothing complicated about it, that it's a cut and dried issue, either you do or you don't...and to do so it just plain wrong! But to me it's kinda like the spouse that drinks heavily and problematically...i.e. that regardless of the affect it has upon the other person, the spouse looks to alchohol or drugs as a means to escape a dreary existence...is a fling really so much worse? Admittedly a successful marriage should mean that both look to eachother for the strength and joy needed to survive this fucked up world. But about the adulterer...does the person who takes advantage of a super sexy bit of interest do so because it's simply there, available and boy does it feel good to lose yourself in a bit of passion that comes without? Do they do it because life's a boring slog or is it because they're heartless self centered pigs lacking in a moral compass?Is it all of the above? Perhaps the person that fools around can still love their spouse deeply and still strongly advocate for them in all sorts of areas. Perhaps they can compartmentalize in ways that may seem a petty justification to some while having it make perfect sense to themselves.

 

[HzDomme]

Have you considered sharing the idea of you doing that with your husband? Maybe he'd like to watch.

Yes, sex with someone new can be great, but it could be a disappointment too. You may end up feeling like you were used even if you initiate it. What would your husband do if he found out? Can you live the rest of your life with that secret?
A divorce, even if you are the one who wants it, is the most horrible thing to go through. It is a physical and mental pain.
Think about that before you do anything.

 

[suthernhunny]

at what point.....

is the only question. I never thought i was capable of cheating on the best husband a woman could want. But I have.....I dont know if its a fling or an affair, but it makes me feel truly alive. After 25 years of being faithful to the same man, there was a point in my life where I needed more than this wonderful man could provide.
I considered my options carefully before deciding..... I chose to have a fling, before meeting someone to do it with. Yes, there is tremendous guilt, but I knew that before my decision was made.
The caring I feel for my husband has not diminished, and the fling has improved my self confidence and my sex life with him.
Yes, it is wrong, but for every affair, every fling, there is a reason.... and only the two involved can understand.

 

[RomanHans]

Re: at what point.....

is the only question. I never thought i was capable of cheating on the best husband a woman could want. But I have.....I dont know if its a fling or an affair, but it makes me feel truly alive. After 25 years of being faithful to the same man, there was a point in my life where I needed more than this wonderful man could provide.
I considered my options carefully before deciding..... I chose to have a fling, before meeting someone to do it with. Yes, there is tremendous guilt, but I knew that before my decision was made.
The caring I feel for my husband has not diminished, and the fling has improved my self confidence and my sex life with him.
Yes, it is wrong, but for every affair, every fling, there is a reason.... and only the two involved can understand.

Haven't had the experience, but I would tend to agree with this. Adultery comes in many diverse forms, just as sex and love, and can be wrapped in different emotions, motivations, and needs. I'm generally opposed to it, but I can see (for either a man or a woman) that there may be special circumstances. As an outsider, it's hard to judge any such relationship with more detail.

As to whether you might give into temptation again...like you, I will keep in mind my own attitudes about guilt, accountability, and responsibility. But I can't honestly say that I would NEVER be involved in an adulterous fling in the future.

Roman

 

[SexyChele]

Yes, I have been involved in an adulterous affair - as the "other woman" - and it was one of the most hurtful, damaging relationships I've ever been involved in. And not just for me - for him, his wife, even his kids. You might want to think about that. A "fling" or "affair" discovered can have repercussions you aren't even aware of.

You question, "Did you enjoy it", is difficult to answer in some ways. At first, when everything is rosey and pleasant and neither expects much from the other, it can be an interesting diversion. Then came the jealousy from him about me seeing other men. The frustration from me about plans cut short because he had a "family thing" to do. Oh, and the important factor: while it started off as some superficial, it wasn't long before we both imagined being "in love" and making plans for the future. It is difficult to reign in your emotions sometimes, even if you think you will go into something innocently enough.

Why did I do it? I had just gone through a horrible breakup and here was this man, willing to talk to me, to listen, to just be there. We had known each other years before, before he had married, so it felt comfortable. One thing lead to another, and well, you know the story.

Things can turn ugly very quickly. Just food for thought. Once the jilted spouse learned of what was going on, she used anything in her power to make things right - including having their kids call me to ask where their daddy was. When he discovered this, he forced his wife to call me with an apology. That was when I knew I needed to get out - and fast.

He was very jealous and did not want to let go. His reaction? Calling me to tell me I had been "replaced" 2 weeks after I told him to get lost. Yes, it is a slippery slope. He even admitted that he had gotten better at lying to his wife.

I will never again even consider a married man from this one incident, not even for a "fling". The thought of hurting an innocent party, albeit potentially without their knowledge, is just too great a gamble for me. If some one is unhappily married, let them do something about the marriage, not involve other people.

 

[AttentionWhore]

I will never again even consider a married man from this one incident, not even for a "fling". The thought of hurting an innocent party, albeit potentially without their knowledge, is just too great a gamble for me. If some one is unhappily married, let them do something about the marriage, not involve other people.

Chele,
I totally agree with this part of your post. I've cheated in most relationships I've been in. Some of my partners were married as well. This past one, before the one I'm in now, I thought he was my Prince Charming. He said all the right things, did all the right things. Thing is, he was on TDY for a month, away from the wife and kids and decided to have some fun. He says I will be the last one, he says he's never lied to someone and said he was divorced before, he says he'll work on his marriage.
I'd never thought about the pain I was causing others, how news of my infidelity could shatter their world. I was afraid his wife would call me,ask me the truth of what went on. I've messed up many times in my life but I was not going to protect him even though I felt I owed it to their kids.
One thing I did, is I called and apologized to the one man I'd hurt most with my cheating. That was a humbling experience, to know he'd forgiven me when I didn't deserve it.
To answer the OP's questions, it was fun at that second in time, but not the lifetime ramifications. Hell no, it wasn't worth it. Never was.

 

[Sabledrake]

I was unhappily married the first time around, so in my case, the adultery was a good thing. It proved to me that there were other guys who could want me, good caring loving guys. So I divorced the first one, and have been happily together with the one I had the affair with for twelve years and counting. But I have no intentions of cheating on this one.

Sabledrake

 

[digr224]

think before you

I had an affair.
over all it lasted 8 months.
Looking back, I lost everything I truly cared about.
I did it because my wife was not at all affectionate towards me.
She didnt kiss me for a year before I committed the act of stupidity that I have regreted so much.
I can say that I felt unapprieciated and unwanted before it happened.
The lady I had the affair with me was absolutely beautiful and she was married as well.
We had the most amazing sex, both of us so in tuned with each others needs.
I started feeling guilty and wanted out.
She called my wife and told her everything.
I lost so much from that moment on.
My house, my child, my financial freedom, my ambition, my happiness, my will to live at times.
It was not worth it.
digr

 

[BreadMan]

Take a Hard Look at what you have, where you've been. Think about all the good memories. The kids if any. Would you want to walk away fom all of that for sexually satisfaction. Something that you can give yourself in the shower.
DONT DO IT.

 

[suthernhunny]

I have thoroughly enjoyed reading each of the posts on this thread. I dont feel so alone now.

My selfishness keeps me in the adultrous affair, purely for the physical sensations he gives me. Although, I fully realize I am hurting my SO, I need the attention and stimulation my lover provides. His touch makes every nerve ending tingle with anticipation and we never have to discuss unpleasantries such as mortgages. But, I also know he will not be there for me when I am ill and not feeling well. I know its just a matter of time before he finds someone he can share time with openly and publicly (he is newly single). I KNOW that nothing but pain lies ahead for me. Yet, when he kisses me, when he holds me, the only thing I know is pleasure!!!

I know it must end soon and I will go back to just existing, not living.

 

[Lust Engine]

My query for the people that have been in affairs is that while you were in them, did you openly know that it wasn't going to last (Sabledrake being the very odd exception here so far)?? I seem to read a lot of enduring pain being suffered here for those few moments of joy. And the pain isn't just the financial ones suffered either (my deepest sympathies digr224), I can't imagine living with that kind of guilt dangling over me.

Even if it was an abusive relationship, wouldn't have been a stronger thing to do by divorcing that person first? I know it's never that simple but I think we can agree that leaving the bum would be much nobler than fooling around on the bum.

And while Sabledrake claims it was a good thing for her to have an affair. It seems more like a matter of her own self esteem needed validating by being wanted & desired PRIOR to going down the slope of having an affair. And while all might seem jim dandy now- wouldn't there be a lingering bit of doubt knowing that since it happened once, couldn't it happen again? Even in this "stable" relationship now??

And to people who think it only involves the feelings of the two people and one's mate, think again about the children, the personal friendships and in-laws that get mucked with.

My sympathies to folks like suthernhunny, who are in affairs now. You know you have pain to look forward to. Gather the strength up now; get it over with sooner and you'll be able to pick things up again. You'll "exist" for awhile but after that you can get back to living YOUR life's ambitions again.

 

[Golden Eyes]

DONT DO IT !! IF YOU CRAVE FOR THE SEXUAL HIGH, TALK TO YOUR SO, TELL HIM OR HER WHAT YOU NEED, THAT YOU WANT MORE OF THEIR TIME, THEIR ATTENTION, LOVE. TALK, TALK, TALK, THATS WHAT I DO WITH MY HUSBAND. I CAN GET VERY LONELY AT TIMES, I HAVE NEVER NOR WILL I EVER CHEAT ON HIM, I WOULD RISK LOSING TOO MUCH, NOT THE HOUSE OR THE SECURITY SO MUCH, BUT THE BEST LOVE OF MY LIFE.


GE

 

[Guest]

My dad has been unfaithful to my mom for ten years now. The "other" woman has a child with him. I cannot begin to tell you the pain that my mom (especially) and my siblings went through in the last 10 years. All because of Dad. I have difficulties reconciling with the fact that the man who was supposed to look after us, love us, protect us, and cherish us, have giving us nothing but heartaches, disappointments and empty promises. I used to look up to my Dad and now all I see is a man who is weak and pathetic. I have met the "other" woman who has apologized to us, expressed regrets but has not shown any desire to leave Dad . We have a civil relationship but I have absolutely no respect for the woman.

Sexual escapades with someone forbidden can be a thrill. Heck, I don't mind having a couple myself. What stops me in the face of temptations every time (and I hope others too) is that, an affair is not a harmless fling. It's like a cancer that eats the rest of the family up. No one walks away unaffected. You can call an affair a "rejuvenation" or "treat." You can justify it a 1001 ways as a rational being. We can justify anything if we convince ourselves fervently that we are "right." Having an emotional/sexual relationship behind someone's back is cowardly. Under no circumstances can I condone an activity that involves lying, hurting your spouse and children (if any) and making a mockery of the definition of commitment (marriage or otherwise). That's my story and I am sticking to it

"Somewhere in North Texas"

 

[SexyChele]

My query for the people that have been in affairs is that while you were in them, did you openly know that it wasn't going to last (Sabledrake being the very odd exception here so far)?? I seem to read a lot of enduring pain being suffered here for those few moments of joy. And the pain isn't just the financial ones suffered either (my deepest sympathies digr224), I can't imagine living with that kind of guilt dangling over me.

et all....

LE, you ask some very good questions - very worth discussing!

I think there needs to be a distinction made between whether the partners in an affair are both married or if one is single, though. Normally, if both are married, there is usually too much to lose on both sides and that keeps the idea that the affair is only transitory firmly in mind. Doesn't always work, however, as digr224 so painfully recounted.

In my situation, he was married, I was single. We had known each other prior to his marriage. We had dated and had sex all the way up to the day before he was married, actually. When we met up again years later, we were both in vulnerable positions. I had just had a horrible breakup of a very long term relationship and needed validation. He felt his life had gone stagnant. In his case, starting his own business coupled with worries of finances, children, demands on time all worked together. Can you see the two trains coming at each other full speed, yet?

We had no intention of starting an affair. I needed some one to talk to, he wanted to off-load. We discovered that the attraction we once had was still there. I truly think we both thought it would be a "one night stand" and nothing more. Affairs for a married man who feels his wife no longer appreciates him or gives him the affection he wants can be intoxicating, I suppose.

At first, I treated him as I would any other "date". I ended up meeting several men, going out, having fun. He was very jealous, very possesive. When he tried to keep me all to himself, I reminded him he was married and therefore I had no future with him. That backed him into a corner: consider divorce or possibly lose me. He did what a lot of married men do in affairs with single women - he attempted to play both ends against the middle. He started talking about leaving his wife, and I wanted to believe him. I would get angry at each turn when it appeared he wasn't moving in that direction, and he would try to assure me even more.

Then, he got lazy, and his wife "discovered" my picture and phone number. At that point, I was used to try to make his wife jealous. Sad, yes, I know. Whenever they would get into an argument, he would simply leave - and come to me. His way of telling her, "Ha! I don't need you, I have some one, so you better give into me and do what/as I say." Of course, I never saw it that way.

On my side, I had friends (thank goodness!!) who were desperately trying to get me to see the light. Posing such questions as: Why did I want to hurt the kids? What had his wife done to me that I would want to hurt her? Did I REALLY want a man who couldn't keep his act together? And, the ultimate winner: If he could so easily cheat on his current wife, what makes you think YOU are so damn special?

I finally "woke up" after 3 years, and told him he was no further to leaving his wife then when we first met. We argued, he wanted more "time" - at least until his kids got out of school. (His kids were 6 & 7 at the time!) I realized I had no other option than to call it off.

Oh, and for those who doubt how quickly a person who cheats will do it again? This man called me 2 months later and told me I had been "replaced".

Did this man have marital problems? I don't know. But I do know that he and I dragged ourselves through hell, and took his wife and kids along for the ride. The moments of passion were not worth the ultimate heartbreak - at least for me. I really felt sorry for his wife. After all, I could walk away, she was stuck with him.

No matter what is going on in a relationship, it is not so overwhelming that communication and/or counseling cannot resolve it. If things are that bad, leave. Yeah, it's hard, but it's harder still when you have to explain to your kids who the other person is in your life.

Sorry for the length, and LE I hope I at least address some of what you were asking.

 

[RomanHans]

Seems like the consensus here is that there's no such thing as the 'zipless fuck' (pardon the phraseology)--that even having a single encounter with someone whom you don't know and will never see again is never that simple. Would you agree or disagree? I'm personally undecided on the issue (not that the opportunity has ever presented itself, nor am I expecting it to).

Roman

 

[peachykeen]

I would say, agree.

Look. Marriage is a contract. If you break the terms of the contract, that cannot be undone. Yes you and your spouse may go on to make ammendments to the contract that allow you to stay together, but you have no less broken your word. To me, that means you have just that little bit less integrity as a human being.

Of course I am making a broad sweeping generalization, I can accept that there may be some individuals in extremely extenuating circumstances, but that is mostly not the case.

 

[Sabledrake]

LE does have some excellent points. Normally, yeah, who's going to be inclined to trust someone who's already been proven unfaithful? It's a tricky situation and really has to depend on the people involved.

It did turn out for the best for me. But I was lucky. With my first husband, there weren't any kids to complicate things. His family didn't like me anyway and mine felt the same about him (my mother's response upon learing of the affair was, and I quote, "Oh, GOOD!")

We were married in college, young and stupid, the first serious relationship I'd ever had. I leapt before I looked and never should have gotten married at that point in my life. The marriage didn't last two years. It was a mistake.

So I broke my word. So it's a blot on my integrity. From where I'm sitting, as an acknowledged blatantly selfish person, I'm more than willing to sacrifice some integrity for my own happiness. Better that than to remain miserable and get worse. I never lost much sleep over it.

I did not carry on the affair for years behind his back. The entire business was over and done with in a matter of months. Fell in love with the other guy over the summer. Filed for divorce in the fall. Divorce was final six months later, and toodle-oo to you!

My husband now doesn't have any doubts. Neither do I. In our case it worked. Wouldn't necessarily be that way for everyone and I don't recommend it as a ready cure-all for what ails a marriage. I'm just saying it's how things went for me, and I feel that I'm much better off for it.

Sabledrake