Addressed to people in a sexually open relationship

[VFaulkon]

I've been perusing the boards, and I noticed a common comment is that it can take time and trust for SOs to be sexually open with each other.

Which got me to thinkin'...about how long did it take you to reach that point with your lover du jour (or du vie, whatever applies)? And what kind of relationship would you say you have with your SO, i.e. marriage, fuckbuddies, lovers, unsure, etc.?

I'm curious what kind of answers I'll get...

 

[blueyz22]

Well I have been with my husband for 15 years. It took several months for us to really be in synch sexually and for me to really trust him. Although the sex was good, there was something missing.

Years have past and we do have really great sex. There's a lot of kissing (which I love) and it''s intimate. I can honestly say that it's been the best sexual relationship that I've ever had. However, hubby doesn't share my kinks and isn't willing to experiment . That sucks but everything else makes up for it.

(I still wish he would let me have a girlfriend though, lol.)

 

[rida]

Hubby and I have been married for 12 years, and together for 14.

It took us a while to completely open up to each other, first because of his own hang ups (that took about 6 years or so). After that, to go deeper into uncharted territory, I had to fight my own demons (and life curve balls and other real life issues) and it took another 3 years or so.

It has been now 1 and a half years since opening up completely, and it is amazing how sex got even better (and it has always been great to begin with).

My Hubby is my soulmate, my lover, my safe harbor, my strength.

 

[Bandit58]

Our relationship has been "open" from the start really. As a bi woman he wanted me to have the chance to explore that. So from the beginning I have had opportunities to be with other women without him there.

We have also taken part in MFF threesomes, but we have rules for those encounters which will probably relax once I become more comfortable with sharing him completely. He doesn't have intercourse with her and she doesn't give him oral.

We've been together for nearly 5 years and married for almost two of those (see sig line)

 

[Zoots_owner]

It took us maybe 5 years to go from vanilla to fully kinky.

Our relationship is married + M/s, and is absolutely permanent.

Now if you're thinking specifically about being non-monogamous...

In my experience, when relationships get non-monogamous, it usually means one of two things. Either the fire has dimmed, and the relationship's nearing its end, or both people have complete trust in each other and confidence that they will be together forever. To a relationship which is in between, a little strange can be a huge threat, even if there's no emotional attachment whatsoever. So a relationship needs some time to either degenerate, or to become extremely strong and secure before getting to that point.

 

[blueyz22]

That's really good advice Zoots.

Actually I'm not in an "open" relationship although I posted in the thread. Must have read it wrong the first time around.

 

[VFaulkon]

Actually, that was probably my bad.

I didn't mean 'open' as in 'multiple partners'. I meant sexually open WITH your partner - not necessarily anyone else. blueyz and rida were on the right track with what I meant.

 

[simplegirl]

hmmm....it took awhile. I've been with my husband for 20 years and we're still discovering things about each other, sexually. It's hard to trust another with your fantasies and sexual turn-ons because it means leaving yourself vulnerable to the other person. The level of trust builds up over time and experience with that person. If your SO shoots you down for learning that you love to masturbate in the bathtub, you'd never be able to confide that you're dying to have your toes sucked or want to be tied up. Whereas, if your SO can say "...well that does something/or does nothing for me personally, but I'm glad to know it turns YOU on". That level of unconditional acceptance leads to more openness.

 

[rida]

Actually, that was probably my bad.

I didn't mean 'open' as in 'multiple partners'. I meant sexually open WITH your partner - not necessarily anyone else. blueyz and rida were on the right track with what I meant.

As an aside, Hubby and I also have an Open relationship as in multiple partners are allowed

hmmm....it took awhile. I've been with my husband for 20 years and we're still discovering things about each other, sexually. It's hard to trust another with your fantasies and sexual turn-ons because it means leaving yourself vulnerable to the other person. The level of trust builds up over time and experience with that person. If your SO shoots you down for learning that you love to masturbate in the bathtub, you'd never be able to confide that you're dying to have your toes sucked or want to be tied up. Whereas, if your SO can say "...well that does something/or does nothing for me personally, but I'm glad to know it turns YOU on". That level of unconditional acceptance leads to more openness.

Very good point on the being shoot down and clamming up some more.

Hubby got in our relationship with that problem as he had been previously shoot down for opening up. I didn't, but ended up having it because Hubby, not feeling totally comfortable with himself, managed to shoot me down (that was not his intention but the end result). So by the time he was ready to open up, I was clammed up ... lol

We eventually got where we are now, but sometimes I wish it could have taken less time

 

[bailadora]

hmmm....it took awhile. I've been with my husband for 20 years and we're still discovering things about each other, sexually. It's hard to trust another with your fantasies and sexual turn-ons because it means leaving yourself vulnerable to the other person. The level of trust builds up over time and experience with that person. If your SO shoots you down for learning that you love to masturbate in the bathtub, you'd never be able to confide that you're dying to have your toes sucked or want to be tied up. Whereas, if your SO can say "...well that does something/or does nothing for me personally, but I'm glad to know it turns YOU on". That level of unconditional acceptance leads to more openness.

SG: have you been peeking into my life?

Your post mirrors my situation very closely. Although I will say that a large part of my problem in opening up was due to my OWN hang ups about my fantasies. If I could barely face them, what made me think he was going to be accepting of them? But thankfully, my fears were unfounded and through his acceptance and encouragement, I have become more comfortable in owning my desires. I am a very, very lucky woman to have such an incredible guy.

 

[simplegirl]

I have become more comfortable in owning my desires. I am a very, very lucky woman to have such an incredible guy.

It's terribly difficult, isn't it? Society and religion has taught us to feel guilty and that we're somehow twisted and wrong to have kinky fantasies/turn ons. It's awful that we've been taught to feel shame for our sexuality. Opening yourself up, and admitting to yourself what turns you on (nevermind to another person) and being able to accept yourself, takes a heck of a lot of guts.

Congrats on a wonderful relationship!

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Master and I first met in the Lit chatroom where we both professed a strong interest in BDSM. It was a revelation to be so open with someone right from the start and if anything were to happen in the future and I was single again, I would have no hesitation in being open and upfront about my sexual desires/needs with a new partner. I'd even go one step further and seek a new partner exclusively in places like Lit because I just couldn't settle down now with a guy who wasn't heavily into dominance and sadism. Sites like this one are very good for that because the chances of meeting someone randomly in real life who is into kink and prepared to admit it are very slim. I wouldn't want to risk falling for someone I wasn't sexually compatible with.

With previous partners I was open up to a point, after a certain period of time and trust. I think it's easier for my generation than it was for my parents' (I'm 29) because sex is such an intrinsic part of media and social consciousness now. Everyone considers good sex to be a right and people are far more prepared to leave a relationship if they're not getting what they want these days.

 

[FitfunWoman]

I have been in three different forms of open sexual relationships, which I will categorize as "Don't ask, don't tell", "Forgive me Mistress, for I have sinned", and "Move your leg, honey. I cannot see what they're doing to you".

Don't ask... is what happened towards the end of my marriage when I told my now-ex-husband that I wanted to develop outside "interests". As he took his job as his mistress (and Mistress), he and I both deluded ourselves into thinking that this would somehow make our home life happier, more fulfilled, etc. Yet, as I was doing things and simply enjoying myself as a respite from what should have been my primary relationship, this led to a somewhat inevitable conclusion.

Confession time came about when I was dating a married woman who had license to play with women but not with men. Fair enough; their relationship, etc. However, what had been a fun sort of dynamic soon devolved into her somewhat living vicariously through my escapades. Meaning soon that green-eyed bitch soon reared her ugly, spiteful head and soon the sense of fun and exploratory sharing gave way to a rather more degrading form of interaction between her and I.

"Move your leg" is something that developed between another woman whom I met at an adult party; let's just say the first time she saw me I was not able to devote all my energies to flirting back with her. With her and that, we actually had to slow things down quite a bit after our first weekend, so much so we had to make a pact to have sex-free dates or weekends so we could, you know, get to know one another. However, the dividends paid off in that we really began to understand one another and soon found that we did share many similar points of view; and those that were divergent were accepted with grace, openness, respect, and trust. There's a sort of radical and at times quite brutal honesty that is (IMHO) utterly necessary of you are going to play with these incendiary things. She and I had it, shared it, and reveled in our trust of one another.

 

[bud01456]

Right now, GF I'm with is very reserved and not open to anything but "vanilla". I was with a "friend with benefits" for years and we had a lot of fun. She was married, we were exciting together, had an open relationship with each other and even went to swingers events together as husband and wife, but alas, she would never leave her husband and so, we finally ended. Looking for someone like her that allows me to be me. Feel like I'm missing something in my current relationship, just not as much fun...