accepting humiliation needs

[divacarolina]

so im realizing i get turned on by humiliation, and it can be really satisfying. to me, it makes things more intimate and personal if he's thoughtful about it. feels good to feel like someone knows what my insecurities are and how they affect me.

however the things that make it personal and intense obviously aren't things i'd really want someone to say to me in public or without knowing me. even sort of tamer versions of the bedroom stuff.

any other sub people have advice on how to explain this to a new partner? or on accepting that during sex i love hearing stuff that would make me pissed of and/or depressed in other situations?

 

[Primalex]

any other sub people have advice on how to explain this to a new partner?

Hit him angrily when he uses the terms outside the bedroom. Men learn very fast, they just need blunt signals.

 

[BabblingBrooke]

I think it should be very simple to explain that you don't want to play in public. It's a limit which should be respected. You are allowed limits.

Also, it's not cool to involve the public in your play, anyway. Your dominant should understand all of this. If he/she doesn't, that's a red flag.

 

[SpunThings]

so im realizing i get turned on by humiliation, and it can be really satisfying. to me, it makes things more intimate and personal if he's thoughtful about it. feels good to feel like someone knows what my insecurities are and how they affect me.

however the things that make it personal and intense obviously aren't things i'd really want someone to say to me in public or without knowing me. even sort of tamer versions of the bedroom stuff.

any other sub people have advice on how to explain this to a new partner? or on accepting that during sex i love hearing stuff that would make me pissed of and/or depressed in other situations?

Use the words you just typed up, and explain it to them that way. Is this a hypothetical future partner, or a current partner?

 

[divacarolina]

Hypothetical partner, not current, if I had feelings about a lover's comments or actions to me I think I'd find a way to at least make it clear that I had issues. not sure how well I could explain in the moment, I admit, but I think the problem is as much my own attitude towards what I want as telling him about it.

That is where the public vs private thing comes in. Not necessarily what a guy says to me in public but just stuff i notice around me. I sometimes get upset if I overhear some random person making comments about someone's body or clothes or makeup or sexuality in a way that makes the subject of the comment less valued of a person. But during sex, if a guy says something like that to me, it can be really hot. (possibly, if he knows me well enough to know what gets me going.)

I guess I'm not even sure what my question is, other than, is this an experience other people have? Wanting something that you don't usually approve of, but letting it be ok to want it sometimes?

 

[CherryOh]

Hi
I would say that is extremely, extremely common. After all, if a co-worker slapped my ass I would be. .. very much less than thrilled There are certain actions which require the correct context. Neither would anyone, anyone in a restaurant expect your partner to slap your face over the dinner table, right? Even if it was a slight tap, basically not acceptable. So as BB says, you are allowed limits, exercise them

 

[SpunThings]

Hypothetical partner, not current, if I had feelings about a lover's comments or actions to me I think I'd find a way to at least make it clear that I had issues. not sure how well I could explain in the moment, I admit, but I think the problem is as much my own attitude towards what I want as telling him about it.

That is where the public vs private thing comes in. Not necessarily what a guy says to me in public but just stuff i notice around me. I sometimes get upset if I overhear some random person making comments about someone's body or clothes or makeup or sexuality in a way that makes the subject of the comment less valued of a person. But during sex, if a guy says something like that to me, it can be really hot. (possibly, if he knows me well enough to know what gets me going.)

I guess I'm not even sure what my question is, other than, is this an experience other people have? Wanting something that you don't usually approve of, but letting it be ok to want it sometimes?

So maybe what you're asking is when/how do you start talking about this? In my relationship, when we started talking more intimately we were both very open about our interests and fantasies. It all started off as interests and fantasies because neither of us had had any sexual experiences. I'd start small with opening up about something. Gauge their response, and if you like it give a bit more later.

Alternately, you can wait until you've had some intimate moments with him, and ask him how he'd feel about saying XX thing to you the next time you're intimate. Say you think it'd be hot, and go from there. I don't think what you're asking is so unheard of even among people not familiar with BDSM. I'd be very surprised if someone you dated thought it was OK to call you "whore" in front of your Mom after telling him you wanted him to say it in bed.

 

[IrisAlthea]

so im realizing i get turned on by humiliation, and it can be really satisfying. to me, it makes things more intimate and personal if he's thoughtful about it. feels good to feel like someone knows what my insecurities are and how they affect me.

however the things that make it personal and intense obviously aren't things i'd really want someone to say to me in public or without knowing me. even sort of tamer versions of the bedroom stuff.

any other sub people have advice on how to explain this to a new partner? or on accepting that during sex i love hearing stuff that would make me pissed of and/or depressed in other situations?

I think it kind of starts with what you wrote in the last sentence - accepting that the rules change for you when it comes to sex. You are not alone in this, if that helps.
It gets you hot and it doesn't hurt anyone.

Talking about it can feel awkward of course, but maybe you could try getting to the topic via discussion about dirty talk?
I think it's important to be clear about wanting it limited to private and sexual situations and if needed follow up with the method Primalex talked about earlier in the thread.

 

[divacarolina]

thanks everybody!