Abandonment issues and your partner

[honeybee_345]

I've recently begun a new kink relationship with a partner who I really enjoy spending time with-vanilla or kink. Sadly, I'm still getting over abandonment issues from my childhood (I'm ACOA). This is something I'm working on with my therapist and am communicating with my partner. He know's about my issues. I guess I'm making this thread for support and for people to share encouraging stories. It's something I wanted to get off my mind.

 

[Cicca_Jai]

Hugs dear.

No one is perfect, there is beauty in imperfections. Just be the best version of yourself that you are capable of. I hope that you are able to overcome your issues. I know how hard that can be.
XOXO,
~C~

 

[honeybee_345]

Hugs dear.

No one is perfect, there is beauty in imperfections. Just be the best version of yourself that you are capable of. I hope that you are able to overcome your issues. I know how hard that can be.
XOXO,
~C~

<3 love <3

 

[Lilylovex64]

Hello and lots of hugs to you!

I understand a lot of what you are going through and I know how hard it can be to get over the thoughts of abandonment (especially when you have a connection with the person). Luckily I have found someone who helps put those thoughts at bay but I learned that the only way to do that is to talk to the person and be open about it.

It will be a lot easier since you have such great support.

 

[BiTodd]

I am recently divorced, I understand too.

 

[All_4_Love]

I feel that almost every one of us can relate to the fear of abandonment. Almost from the moment we are born, we are fearful of abandonment on an instinctual level, the instinct to survive.

Maybe seeing it from the perspective of being a natural part of us, we can stop judging it as something that makes us inadequate, and move toward acceptance.

To me, there's nothing wrong with the fear of losing your partner, not being good enough, being rejected. It's just a call for us to become aware of those fears and learn to manage them as best as we can, take responsibility for them, and realize there is only so much our partner can do to reassure us. The rest truly is up to us.

In our most fearful state, we can use those times as an opportunity to reflect, to look back over our lives, to realize that we have all been in situations where we felt abandoned, unloved, and rejected, whether real or perceived, and we survived. We made it through. We recovered. We healed. We fought hard to remember that we are lovable and that we are good enough. And should it ever happen again, we already know that we will make it through and we will be okay.

I hold tight to the belief that when someone is removed from our lives, it doesn't have to be just a significant loss; it can also become an opening for gaining something, as well. "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need."

There really is tremendous freedom in letting go and accepting what is.

 

[thelaughingcat]

*hugs* When you have serious issues overhanging you from your past, a new relationship can be a very unnerving thing. It sounds like you have put in place a support structure with the therapist and you are doing the right thing being open and honest with him about what you are working through so he doesn't misread your words and actions. Deep breaths and you can always come on here if you are spinning out - always so much love here xxx

 

[sweetharlot]

I feel that almost every one of us can relate to the fear of abandonment. Almost from the moment we are born, we are fearful of abandonment on an instinctual level, the instinct to survive.

Maybe seeing it from the perspective of being a natural part of us, we can stop judging it as something that makes us inadequate, and move toward acceptance.

To me, there's nothing wrong with the fear of losing your partner, not being good enough, being rejected. It's just a call for us to become aware of those fears and learn to manage them as best as we can, take responsibility for them, and realize there is only so much our partner can do to reassure us. The rest truly is up to us.

In our most fearful state, we can use those times as an opportunity to reflect, to look back over our lives, to realize that we have all been in situations where we felt abandoned, unloved, and rejected, whether real or perceived, and we survived. We made it through. We recovered. We healed. We fought hard to remember that we are lovable and that we are good enough. And should it ever happen again, we already know that we will make it through and we will be okay.

I hold tight to the belief that when someone is removed from our lives, it doesn't have to be just a significant loss; it can also become an opening for gaining something, as well. "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need."

There really is tremendous freedom in letting go and accepting what is.

What a beautiful way of putting this!

I am also ACOA and have struggled with that fear in all kinds of relationships. It always helps me to remember that I'm stronger than I feel in those bad moments and to think of the people in my life who are stable and who will be there for me. It helps to remind myself of the positive qualities that I have that make me lovable. I know that you have a lot of those qualities .

 

[IrisAlthea]

To me, there's nothing wrong with the fear of losing your partner, not being good enough, being rejected. It's just a call for us to become aware of those fears and learn to manage them as best as we can, take responsibility for them, and realize there is only so much our partner can do to reassure us. The rest truly is up to us.

Yup, this.

 

[honeybee_345]

I feel that almost every one of us can relate to the fear of abandonment. Almost from the moment we are born, we are fearful of abandonment on an instinctual level, the instinct to survive.

Maybe seeing it from the perspective of being a natural part of us, we can stop judging it as something that makes us inadequate, and move toward acceptance.

To me, there's nothing wrong with the fear of losing your partner, not being good enough, being rejected. It's just a call for us to become aware of those fears and learn to manage them as best as we can, take responsibility for them, and realize there is only so much our partner can do to reassure us. The rest truly is up to us.

In our most fearful state, we can use those times as an opportunity to reflect, to look back over our lives, to realize that we have all been in situations where we felt abandoned, unloved, and rejected, whether real or perceived, and we survived. We made it through. We recovered. We healed. We fought hard to remember that we are lovable and that we are good enough. And should it ever happen again, we already know that we will make it through and we will be okay.

I hold tight to the belief that when someone is removed from our lives, it doesn't have to be just a significant loss; it can also become an opening for gaining something, as well. "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need."

There really is tremendous freedom in letting go and accepting what is.

Thank you for this beautifully heart warming and honest message. I truly appreciate this and all the other posts on this thread. I love you all <3

 

[All_4_Love]

Thank you for this beautifully heart warming and honest message. I truly appreciate this and all the other posts on this thread. I love you all <3

Sending you lots of love and the warmest of hugs. *smile*

 

[ArticleZero]

Best thread ever.

To all those with this issue, just remember that sometimes, things just don't work out. The oft-forgotten aspect of this is - you should consider that there are sometimes people out there that recognize that they are not FOR YOU, and end things because of that. Not because of necessarily rejecting you and your contributions.

I have many online friends who are afraid of abandonment, and I help them through some little situations now and again. I always just tell them, Breathe. It's okay. You're still a great person.