Abandoned Luggage

[naughtygirl]

A recent glorious experience has made me realize that I carry some baggage with me. Baggage that threatens to ruin a once in a life time amazing thing in my life. Baggage that stops me from expressing how I really feel at times. Baggage that makes me doubt myself and what I deserve. Baggage that makes me afraid to trust.

So, the thought behind this thread is this: Come here to abandon your luggage....unload it, get rid of it and leave it here. Call it an Exorcism of Demons from Your Soul if you like. Like in the movie the Exorcist, spew out that pea soup!!!!!!!!

*Please do not comment on anyone's else baggage in this thread...whatever it might be and as much as you identify with it. I think that this should be the place to unpack all your crap and leave it behind without revisiting it repeatedly. There are plenty of threads out there for support, my favorite being True Confessions....i think this thread should be strictly for spewing.

Ok so I guess I will go first. *big breaths*

 

[Titania1616]

all right..... i'm letting go!

not pea soup though, maybe potato. i hate peas!

 

[Freya]

edited.

 

[naughtygirl]

ok I have a lot of things I want to leave behind here. i want to leave behind the abuse I suffered as a child. i want to let go of the pain that i associate with it, the memories of it....i want to leave here the memories of photographs being taken, the way I was repeatedly given to his friends, the memories of feeling disconnected, me watching myself being abused from the ceiling....i want to leave behind the anger I feel inside towards this evil person....i want to leave behind my guilt that I feel towards my sister and not protecting her like i should have. i want to leave behind the resentment i feel towards my mother and i want to not let the idea that she knew what was going on cross my mind. i want to leave behind every cruel thing that she has said to me in my lifetime. i want to leave behind me the guilt i feel for telling her about the abuse, for making her cry, for making her sob on the phone to me.....i want to leave behind the my relationsip with Orion and really understand that he was the asshole, that I wasnt and AM not crazy. i want to leave behind the thought that I dont deserve better....that i was a bad kid, am a bad person and this is why i am treated the way I have been. i want to not let what he did to me get in the way of my love for this man, my one, my love of my life. I want to leave behind my feelings of doubt and mistrust...and instead fully surrender myself to my feelings for him. i want to let go of my past with Kevin, and let go of the fear I feel when a man speaks out of his anger. i want to really understand that I will not be hurt physically for speaking my own thoughts. i want to leave behind every time my trust was betrayed, everytime I was hurt so badly that I wanted to curl up and die. i want to leave behind the feeling of being used and thrown away. i want to leave behind the feeling that I dont matter. i want to leave behind the idea that someone knowing how I feel is POWER and CONTROL over me. i want to leave behind the panic I feel inside when he tells me how much he cares about me. i am leaving behind all my fears and doubts of getting into a relationship with him. i am leaving it all here.

 

[Titania1616]

ok here i go!

im scared that i'm going to go through college and then get out in the real world and all my work will be for nothing.

im scared of my mom dying, and me being all alone because my dad has already passed away.

im scared that i will never meet someone who can look past my appearance and see the real me underneath

im scared that if someone does see the real me, they wont like what they see

im scared of growing old alone and lonely

im scared of my future and what it holds for me

im scared that once i do graduate, no one will want me

im scared i wont get accepted into grad school

im scared i wont live up to the prescedent my mother has set

im scared that i will never do something that will make a difference

im scared that my life is empty and meaningless, and im just to scared to see it

and now im scared that im going to start bawling any second and i'm not going to be able to stop so i better end this.

 

[Jewelz]

My soul weeps as I step in here and begin to reach deep inside my scarred soul in hopes of leaving behind something. At least one thing would be nice to take off the tattered mind and heart.

Chosing not to end the pregnancy when she was 16 is a gift in itself. She gave me life. My bio father left her to be with another girl he had pregnant at the same time. Rejection #1. Grammy and Pappy promised to help my mom raise me. They were my heros. My life was spared because of the 3 of them choosing to keep me. I had a very happy childhood, until i was 4. That is when my mom met the man that would become my step dad. We got along just fine but his mother hated me cuz i was not blood. She would treat me like scum of the earth at the ripe old age of 4...and still does at the age of 29. She was hateful to me. Mean mean spirit she is. Rejection #2.

My bio father wanted nothing to do with me. Rejection #3 with the same man. My step father and I drifted apart and by the age of ohh, i would say 7...I hated him. He was mean to me and showed partiality towards my step sister (his child) and my half sister (his and my moms child). Everyone saw how cruel he was to me. Nothing I ever did was good enough for him. I was made to clean my room and he would come back there and dump all my dresser drawers and my desk drawers and tell me to do it again that I was fucked in the head if I thought I had cleaned them right. He would dump them at least 3 or 4 times before he just said fuck it. He would scream at me that I was not good enough and never would be. And that no one would ever love me. He spanked me nearly every day with a 2' wooden paddle that had 3 holes in it. All he did was scream "NOW" and I knew to bend over the sofa and prepare myself for a beating. I didnt cry out loud. That pissed him off. So he would spank me harder. Once he got a tear out of me, he would stop. My soul was dying. I was 8.

We often got into verbal matches from 10 years old and on. He would scream obscentities into my innocent face. We often upset mom. She would come screaming at us and I would look at her with those "please make him stop" eyes...and she would just yell at both of us for "putting her in the middle". She would then get in her car and leave. I think I hated her for so many years for leaving me there with him. I was terrified and full of self hate. Every chance he would get he would be attacking my character.

I sought out love. Wasnt getting it anywhere. My step dad, my step grandmother and my biological father all rejected me. My mom called my bio dad once...told him to "come get her. its ugly".......i was 13. it was the first time i had ever met my father. I begged him to get me out of the hell. His exact words to me were "You arent under my roof. You are under his. and you will have to do as he says"........Ok. just leave your child to be emotionally and verbally abused. Good parenting.

I wanted so badly to please everyone. I was always sugar coating everything I could in order for them all to want to love me. It never worked. They never loved me. It was like I was some poison.

At 12, I became sexually active in search of some kind of love. Anywhere was better than none at all. I was known as the girl that gave awesome BJs and all the boys wanted me as their girlfriend. I lost my virginity at age 14 to an 18 year old. He emotionally abused me too. I often would pound my fists into the wall ending up in many many fractured wrists and fingers. My hands are bruised to this day because of it.

At 13, I was almost raped by my cousin. I was so very scared. I couldnt get his brut body off of me. He was kissing me so hard and I was crying. He had my hands pinned and I couldnt move. He was up my shirt feeling me and he got my pants unzipped and had touched me before I raised my knee to his groin and doubled him over. He got beat from his dad for what he did.

I was also 13 the first time my step dad hit me. I was on the phone too long with my boyfriends sister. He came out and threw the phone, she was still on the other end listening to him attack me. We fought with words like we always had and all I saw was his closed fist coming up to my face and pounding me. The force was so bad that I literally flew across the kitchen table, landing against the stove. I had had all I could take of him and when I got myself up off the floor, I ran over to him and punched him in the face and told him to dare hit me again that I would have his ass in jail so fast that he wouldnt know what kicked his balls off. My mom heard the fight. She was sleeping. She came running out and screamed at us again. She was leaving ....he slammed her arm in the door.....almost broke it. She escaped and left me there again with him.

I attempted suicide so many times. The demons were too much to face any more. They had pounded into my head that I was not good enough and never would be. That no one would ever love me because I was a failure at everything I did. Nothing I did was right. I believed it. I started hating myself. That is when the slicing of the wrists started. After awhile, it wasnt suicide attempts any more....it was "self injury". I would just take the focus off the pain inside and transfer it to the outside by cutting my arm. Many scars to show.

To this day, they all treat me with little to no respect. Especially the step grandmother and of course my bio dad. Ironically enough, my step dad is "good" to me and adores my children. Go figure.

I want to leave behind the intense pain that I feel. The intense self hatred I have. I want to see what so many people see in me when they say I am a good soul. Am I really? But they said I would never matter to anyone. How can I believe it when someone tells me something that is sooo opposite of what I was trained to believe? I want to let go of the worry. The scared little girl that is still hovering inside, not wanting to shed those tears but drowning in them on the inside. I want to let behind the guilt that I had for being the cause of my mother not finishing high school and having a norma life back then. She has told me many times that she gave so much up for me. Well duh. Lay down, pay the consequences.

I have to stop for now. I am empty. I know I will be back to share more. This haunts me...has scarred me for life and I want to be able to release it. To feel whole again. To feel wanted and loved and cared about.

 

[omahaman2]

My soul weeps as I step in here and begin to reach deep inside my scarred soul in hopes of leaving behind something. At least one thing would be nice to take off the tattered mind and heart.

Chosing not to end the pregnancy when she was 16 is a gift in itself. She gave me life. My bio father left her to be with another girl he had pregnant at the same time. Rejection #1. Grammy and Pappy promised to help my mom raise me. They were my heros. My life was spared because of the 3 of them choosing to keep me. I had a very happy childhood, until i was 4. That is when my mom met the man that would become my step dad. We got along just fine but his mother hated me cuz i was not blood. She would treat me like scum of the earth at the ripe old age of 4...and still does at the age of 29. She was hateful to me. Mean mean spirit she is. Rejection #2.

My bio father wanted nothing to do with me. Rejection #3 with the same man. My step father and I drifted apart and by the age of ohh, i would say 7...I hated him. He was mean to me and showed partiality towards my step sister (his child) and my half sister (his and my moms child). Everyone saw how cruel he was to me. Nothing I ever did was good enough for him. I was made to clean my room and he would come back there and dump all my dresser drawers and my desk drawers and tell me to do it again that I was fucked in the head if I thought I had cleaned them right. He would dump them at least 3 or 4 times before he just said fuck it. He would scream at me that I was not good enough and never would be. And that no one would ever love me. He spanked me nearly every day with a 2' wooden paddle that had 3 holes in it. All he did was scream "NOW" and I knew to bend over the sofa and prepare myself for a beating. I didnt cry out loud. That pissed him off. So he would spank me harder. Once he got a tear out of me, he would stop. My soul was dying. I was 8.

We often got into verbal matches from 10 years old and on. He would scream obscentities into my innocent face. We often upset mom. She would come screaming at us and I would look at her with those "please make him stop" eyes...and she would just yell at both of us for "putting her in the middle". She would then get in her car and leave. I think I hated her for so many years for leaving me there with him. I was terrified and full of self hate. Every chance he would get he would be attacking my character.

I sought out love. Wasnt getting it anywhere. My step dad, my step grandmother and my biological father all rejected me. My mom called my bio dad once...told him to "come get her. its ugly".......i was 13. it was the first time i had ever met my father. I begged him to get me out of the hell. His exact words to me were "You arent under my roof. You are under his. and you will have to do as he says"........Ok. just leave your child to be emotionally and verbally abused. Good parenting.

I wanted so badly to please everyone. I was always sugar coating everything I could in order for them all to want to love me. It never worked. They never loved me. It was like I was some poison.

At 12, I became sexually active in search of some kind of love. Anywhere was better than none at all. I was known as the girl that gave awesome BJs and all the boys wanted me as their girlfriend. I lost my virginity at age 14 to an 18 year old. He emotionally abused me too. I often would pound my fists into the wall ending up in many many fractured wrists and fingers. My hands are bruised to this day because of it.

At 13, I was almost raped by my cousin. I was so very scared. I couldnt get his brut body off of me. He was kissing me so hard and I was crying. He had my hands pinned and I couldnt move. He was up my shirt feeling me and he got my pants unzipped and had touched me before I raised my knee to his groin and doubled him over. He got beat from his dad for what he did.

I was also 13 the first time my step dad hit me. I was on the phone too long with my boyfriends sister. He came out and threw the phone, she was still on the other end listening to him attack me. We fought with words like we always had and all I saw was his closed fist coming up to my face and pounding me. The force was so bad that I literally flew across the kitchen table, landing against the stove. I had had all I could take of him and when I got myself up off the floor, I ran over to him and punched him in the face and told him to dare hit me again that I would have his ass in jail so fast that he wouldnt know what kicked his balls off. My mom heard the fight. She was sleeping. She came running out and screamed at us again. She was leaving ....he slammed her arm in the door.....almost broke it. She escaped and left me there again with him.

I attempted suicide so many times. The demons were too much to face any more. They had pounded into my head that I was not good enough and never would be. That no one would ever love me because I was a failure at everything I did. Nothing I did was right. I believed it. I started hating myself. That is when the slicing of the wrists started. After awhile, it wasnt suicide attempts any more....it was "self injury". I would just take the focus off the pain inside and transfer it to the outside by cutting my arm. Many scars to show.

To this day, they all treat me with little to no respect. Especially the step grandmother and of course my bio dad. Ironically enough, my step dad is "good" to me and adores my children. Go figure.

I want to leave behind the intense pain that I feel. The intense self hatred I have. I want to see what so many people see in me when they say I am a good soul. Am I really? But they said I would never matter to anyone. How can I believe it when someone tells me something that is sooo opposite of what I was trained to believe? I want to let go of the worry. The scared little girl that is still hovering inside, not wanting to shed those tears but drowning in them on the inside. I want to let behind the guilt that I had for being the cause of my mother not finishing high school and having a norma life back then. She has told me many times that she gave so much up for me. Well duh. Lay down, pay the consequences.

I have to stop for now. I am empty. I know I will be back to share more. This haunts me...has scarred me for life and I want to be able to release it. To feel whole again. To feel wanted and loved and cared about.

jewelz,dont know if it helps any but you now have a relative that cares about you.Im so proud of having you as my sister, someone who cares and loves so deeply

 

[TantaLiza]

Don't really know how to start this...so here goes......

I've never felt worthy of love from a man since my father left at age 10...tried to please just about every one I've ever met but didn't measure up...stopped trying after I got pregnant.
I want love but don't know how to accept it.
I'm afraid of being alone for the rest of my life.
I'm afraid to let myself love for fear of it being thrown in my face. I'm so unsure of myself and I don't know how to fix it.
I act like I can conquer life's ups and downs... I have everybody fooled.
I get so lonely that I cry myself to sleep.
I'm afraid if I do let someone love me, they'll leave me.
I don't know if I've ever fallen trully in love but I know I'm afraid of it...

Enough for now...maybe later...

Liza

 

[Titania1616]

i know this is silly, but i just want to give all of you a hug!

 

[Ukin]

Dammit ladies..I don't know you..but I am sending as much love as I possibly can.

My only fear - which seems to be like others have expressed - is to end up a lonely old man...and I am halfway there....but compared to some of the posts..my fear is but minor.

Ladies, keep smiling and receive my love in the intention it is being sent to you.

 

[Artemesia]

only one small bag for today....

I'm leaving behind the idea that I'm ugly and unworthy of anyone's attention.

(Someone please remind me from time to time that I've left that one here - it tends to have a mind of it's own and follows me around of its own volition.)

 

[Freya]

My parents divorced when I was 2...and apparently it was so painful that I developed an ulcer from the experience. Both remarried by the time I was 4.

My father married a woman who hated children....and because my dad was the type of man for whom sons were the most important, I was left alone with her 90% of the time while he went off and did "man" things with my brother. we would go down there every second weekend and I essentially got to play the role of Cinderella. I had to clean their house, and if it wasn't done to her specifications I had to redo it. This was in between being called names, being swatted or being clawed by her fingernails in my arm...her favourite form of getting someone's attention. I grew to hate going there for the weekends and thankfully when I was about 8 or 9 I started competitive swimming which allowed me an excuse to escape. Of course, I have had to listen (for 30 years now) about how my father drove an hour each way on Friday nights, after working so hard all week, just to come see us. He drove in blizzards, and rain, and every type of weather imaginable...I guess he never figured out that if we were going to have to pay for it, we'd rather he didnt.

My mother married a man who I actually liked. He is a sweet, caring, kind person...unfortunately he never taught her any of those feelings. They had another child togehter and from that point forward, my older brother and I ceased to exist in her heart. Bryan was the king of the castle, he could do no wrong..whereas everything I did was on a monumental scale. He actually did all of what we did as teens, yet was rewarded for it, rather than punished. My mother, I think due to her mother, is unable to express any love whatsoever. The first time I remember her saying "I love you" to me was, for some unexplainable reason, in the hosptial after I had my daughter. I cried, because I had never heard it uttered from her lips before. If, as a child, I was talking and Bryan interrupted, it was ok. But if he was talking and I interrrupted, I was told to shut up because I had nothing worth listening to anyways.

I had one set of parents who showed no affection, and another who showed so much it was to the point of sexual. They would walk around naked in the house, my father would come out of the shower naked into my bedroom, I had to take naps naked with him. I dont' know if any sexual abuse went on, if so I dont' remember it. I had very conflicting views on love shown to me as a child, therefore learned none of them in a healthy way.

I was an ugly kid..shy and inward. I couldn't talk to people unless I was drunk...so I was drunk a whole lot.

As a teenager, so desparate for love, I started sleeping with any one who showed me the least bit of attention. I was raped at 15, got pregnant and lost the baby. I got pregnant later that same year and kept her. Meanwhile I continued to sleep with whoever looked at me twice. I started stripping at 17 years old, got involved in coke and crack...and lived that life for 8 years. My daughter I essentially left for friends to take care of, while I "relived" my youth.

Funny that at about 25 I totally did a 360 and changed my life...I went back and finished high school, did a year of college and started working...I remade myself, yet I can't get all those other years out of my head.

I got a job about 3 years ago...when I started the place was in a mess because the last girl had gone off with a nervous breakdown. I did this job for 3 yrs, and did it so well that others were unable to do my job. It was the first thing in my lifeI had ever been proud of..I WAS good at my job. That pride was taken away from me about a month ago when I was fired. I know that it was because I was too good, and they couldnt' handle that, but it still kicked me in the gut when it happened.

I have never had a serious relationship with a man, I have never been in love, I have never had a man tell me he loved me...unless he just wanted sex. I have no idea how to hold, maintain, or even start a relationship with a man. I have no idea how someone could love me..I can't love myself. I carry so much guilt....for the pain I've caused people who didn't even love me anyways, the destruction that I reaped upon my child, the friendships that I allowed to slip away. I post my naked pictures so that I can feed on compliments from strangers, yet am unable to accept when people that know me give me compliments.

I can't seem to accept love from otherrs, because I don't believe that I am worthy of it.so ultimately I either push them away or destroy them for having those feelings. I feel ugly, useless, unworthy. I feel like a slut still even if I'm not...I feel like the same shy, withdrawn child that I was 20 years ago...still searching for someone to love me.

I am never able to live down my past because it's continuously thrown up in my face...I can't do anything right. My father is only proud of me because he was able to brag to people about where I worked and how well I did my job...my mother still only has eyes for one child.

I want so badly to not be alone the rest of my life....but I destroy every chance I get for that not to happen.

 

[SexyAmber]

Thank you NG for this thread,everyone is so brave

First and foremost this is extremely difficult for me. I rarely express myself openly and I am one of those people that tend to think the “woe is me” is pathetic, that everyone has problems and mine are no worse or better than the rest. I know that this is unhealthy to keep everything bottled up inside like a rocket ready to go off, but after some years you become good at it.

The Early years…

I come from a very “normal” upper class family. My mother and father met in high school and my father was drafted to a professional baseball team, my mother was a poet. She became pregnant when she was 21 and they were forced to marry. They were from a small town and that is just how things were, my father was forced to give up his baseball career and has since resented it.

My mother is the most wonderful, giving people I know. She never in her life has said a bad or unsupportive word about anyone that I know. She is affectionate and generous. And my brother takes after her. He is a dream to come true to any woman, open, romantic and affectionate and kind.

My father is a dominant. Hugely so. I know in my heart it is because he loves us so much, he controls everything I have ever done and does to this day. It is the way it is. I truly believe no one loves us more than our father, but he doesn’t know how to show it. Disappointing him is not an option in my family.

I take after my father, born on the same day, Gemini to the hilt. I do not show emotion, I rarely cry and I am the strong one in my family. By no means is this something to be proud of.

When I was 16 I started dating a boy named Mike, he was completely abusive from the start. I was in the hospital about 17 times, and every time I lied to my family to protect him. Saying I hit in the face in field hockey..once I even said I got hit by a car. He wanted to have sex and I said no, again a fear that I would be caught and break my parents heart. One night we were at a party and we went back to his house, which happened often. We went to his bedroom and his friend was waiting and Mike just punched me and grabbed my throat and held me down on the bed. He told me that I was a tease and how dare I embarrass him at the party by saying I was a virgin. He tore my skirt up and his best friend raped me while Mike choked me. It did such damage to my voice box that it never matured, so basically I have the same voice as when I was 16 and it will not change, it will not become some sexy seductive voice. No big deal though it is just a voice, so now I have constant sore throats and scratchy throat. Of course I stayed with him. I love him after all. *rolls eyes*

So this went on through my whole high existence. He fucked about everyone I knew and was proud of it. He once even had one of the girls dress in my clothes and come to school in my field hockey jersey. He was an emotional terrorist. I went to college then, and I met a man named Ed. He was wonderful, everything that I had dreamed of, he treated me so good so unbelievably good. He was handsome and strong and smart and fun and I was a bitch to him. I found it hard to believe that anyone could love me. I was so strong that it paralyzed every relationship I had. He fought for me, he was patient and kind but I was so emotional cold that I pushed him away every time. I went back to the homecoming game and Mike was there, needless to say we got in a huge fight because I was not the timid little girl he wanted me to be anymore. We went to a party with all of our high school friends and naturally he was there with his latest chick and it was then out in front of the house, when she took too much time to go him a devil dog that he punched her, it was like watching a movie. I don’t know what happened but I snapped and I broke my beer bottle and stabbed him in the shoulder, I remember dropping the beer bottle as he screamed “you stupid fucking cunt” and I just stood there and said “you will never ever do that to anyone again”, he tackled me and we fought until everyone inside came out and pulled us apart. It was then I realized I was just like my father. So when people say to me …. “how can you not believe I love you..or I won’t cheat on you or leave you”…I simply do not believe them. In my heart I want to …I pray I will…but my mind says “Amber don’t be naïve or stupid”….maybe someday

So in return I used my looks, or my humor to maintain emotional distance..to never let anyone truly conquer my heart...what a sad existance.

 

[naded]

A little self destruction:

I never allow details of my life to escape. I do not allow people to really understand who I am or who I was up until just a year or so ago. Thankfully most people do not know exactly who I am, my real name or even where I really live. I am just a ghost on the boards, another name and another AV that crosses their path as they search for a little bit of fun online.

I grew up in a family of 3 children, an older brother and an older sister. My parents worked 16 hr days running two businesses and my father working quietly for the goverment. None of us knew he was working for uncle sam, he had been doing it for so many years none of us had a clue.

I got my first job at 12 yrs old picking strawberries like every other kid in my area. I did that every year till I turned 16 and got a graveyard shift job at a local 24 hr restrurant. I washed dishes and bused tables from 11pm to 7 am for dirt min. wage. But it was a job and I worked hard, my father had taught us all that early on.

In high school I was a real loner, I had a few friends and we were far from cool. I had bad hair, bad clothes and a bad attitude. I didn't study and I didn't give a rats ass what people thought. I got involved in the ROTC program and found the rifle team and shooting club. I loved it, I could shoot better than anyone in my class and in my state. It was the biggest rush I had ever felt, being that good. But, I got in some trouble and was booted off the team and suspended from school.

I would be arrested 3 times in high school and three times my father would pick me up and talk with me. He loved me a ton I know but I didn't recognize it for what it was. At the same time I was in a boyschoir that my mother drove me to in Seattle 3 days a week but concerts all over the place. I hated it.

The last year in high school my sister joined the Army. And soon she started asking me to if I ever thought about it. I hadn't, but now I was interested. A way to get out of this town a way to go disappear. Well, thats what I did, I joined the Army and a year later I was buried in the pitch black world of my first unit, part of the famed 1st Special Forces Group.

From there I disappeared even further into the world, I rarely came home, I had new tattoos every time I was seen and I got married along the way. During my time in the army I was shot 5 times, 4 didn't penetrate body armor but still did loads of internal samage and one went straight thru my knee and has helped to cripple me still today. I have been stabbed, beaten, blow up and fallen out of a helicopter.

If there is such a thing as living on the edge I lived well passed it. I lived on the other side. I just told myself torealise that I was already dead, so fight like hell and take as many of these mother fuckers with me. I lived that way for 4 years and it has forever darkened my herat to the world.

I trust no one, I believe nothing and I hide everything. I like to say my life is a enigma, I tale or hidden clues, trap doors and hiddentraps. I don't allow people to get close to me, I will not risk being hurt or hurting them.

I now work for the State Dept. doing what I learned in the Army and I am unfortunately extremely good at what I do. It was here I learned what my father really did to bring home a paycheck as I grew up. It was my father that recruited me to work for uncle sam after I got out of the army.

Most days I still sleep with a gun nearby and usually under my pillow. It's out of habit form too many years over seas. So this is my luggage, and I tend to drag it with me everywhere I go. But now I have a woman who is falling in love with me, and I her. Why she would risk her heart with a old burned out soul like me i just can't figure but I ain't bitchin.

 

[Marilyth]

Get Rid Of It

Some of my luggage that I need to get rid of. Let's start from the beginning:

I grew up in a lower middle class family. Dad worked, so did mom. My sister & I were latch-key kids. Learned from an early age to be independent.

Mom & dad faught like I thought was normal. They're still together after 30 years. I didn't know the concept of divorce.

Parents always pushed me to do my best. 99 wasn't good enough, always wanted 100%. I did girl scouts, played piano, flute, viola, cello. I was in the top of my classes throughout school.

I was the son my dad never had. I played softball and basketball from age 8. I was the geeky buck-toothed girl because my parents couldn't afford braces when we lived in Kansas.

Dad moved us in the middle of my 7th grade year. I went from hell in Kansas, to hell in Texas. In Texas I was the tall, geeky, buck-toothed, new girl. I was still active in extracurricular activities. I still did the best I could in school. I was teased mercilessly.

Anything I did wasn't good enough unless it was perfect. Dad told me, "If you're going to foul (in basketball), you'd better hurt her!" If I brought home a 96% on a test, I got asked why it wasn't a 97%. I once brought home the highest grade possible in the AP Economics class my senior year. It was 107%. I told my parents. My dad said (half joking), "Why wasn't it 108%?"

I've never been good enough. I went to college and gained weight my freshman/sophomore year because I found I had asthma. Doc put me on steroids that caused the weight gain. Once at 170 in high school (I'm 6'2), I ballooned to 220 by age 20. I still looked normal. Mom insisted I was obese. I paid over $2000 at her insistence and joined Nutra System. I didn't loose any weight.

I ended up gaining over 100 pounds in a 3 year period. When I graduated I was 285. My mother is 5'3 and wears the same size I do, and still insists that I'd find a boyfriend if I were skinny. She wants me to be 150 pounds.

When I graduated college, I made an agreement with my parents that they would not hound me about where I chose to go in life. To this day, my mother still insists I come home. My sister & her family and my family all live within one mile of one another. My mother still wants me next door.

I still strive to do the best I can. When I fail, however, I'm very hard on myself. I was told the other day that my sense of failure is destructive. My bf told me that it frightens him when I get upset when I fail, because I become suicidal. I talk about life not being worth it. He's right. Everyday for the past several months, I think as far back as March, I have had the thought, "What would life be like if I weren't here." "Things would be so much easier."

I know it's a very selfish concept, thus I have to leave my baggage. I have to get rid of it all! Once I rid myself of everything maybe I can move on and think of myself as successful. I can be happy with my choices. I can be happy with how I look. I can be happy.

 

[naughtygirl]

I want to leave behind tonight this overwhelming fear that I said too much, that I revealed too much of the way I feel. I want to leave behind the thought that someone who I love very much could not possibly love me the way I love them. I want to leave behind my fear of what I will feel if he returns my love. what will I do then? I want to leave behind the fear of this being a relationship that is honest, true and very much alive in both of our hearts....the fear really is then I will really have to move forward with this, instead of letting it slowly die. what if I kill it? I want to leave behind the fear that when he meets me he will not want to be with me anymore. I want to leave behind the fear that this will end. I want to leave behind the fear that I am but a fantasy in his head and when he meets me I wont possibly even measure up to what he is expecting. I want to leave behind the idea that I am not what a good man could want.

 

[Freya]

I believe that he loves me the way he says he does. I believe that he thinks I am beautiful. I believe that he thinks I am smart and sexy and kind and fun. I believe that I love him. I believe that I need him....his strength, his power, his belief in me. I believe that he would protect me in every possible way he knows how. I believe him when he says he wants to be with me in 30 years, and I believe that I would still find him incredibly sexy even if he was bald.

What I have a hard time believing is that I have the moral fibre, or depth, or soul to carry such a loving relationship. I can't believe that he won't get sick of me, I can't believe that he won't hate me once he finds out exactly how bad I am and have been. I believe that I will hurt him, and I beleive that it's the last thing I would ever want to do. I believe that I am too damaged, too scarred and too scared to allow someone to love me the way he does. I believe that I have pushed away every person who has even come close to loving me. I believe that although he says he won't allow me to, eventually I'll find a way and do it to him as well. I believe that if and when I do this, it'll be the final straw for me..that it will probably kill me, or at the very least drive me insane. I believe that if I fuck up this love that I will never, ever give it a chance again...that I'll spend the rest of my life alone and lonely rather than hurt another. I believe that if I break his heart, I will tear my own out of my chest and toss it onto the garbage where it belongs.

 

[knightstalker]

My baggage is that I am afraid my G/F will find out what i once was..I grew up in a family full of racist..Yes as in most belong to the clan and when i am down south they live this stuff..I was a skin head when I was 15 til I was 22 and preached hate and white supremecy to all who would listen...I am afraid that there is a heaven and all I believe in is wrong ...I am afariad that my mom and dad won't be around much longer since both are in and out of the hospital now all the time ..I am afriad of being judged for who i was and not who i am..Well thats enough for now this thread scares me

 

[spankableBelle]

When i am ready to face my demons...i shall bring them here to confront and destroy...thank you for creating this place to share, to cry, to step out as hopefully a little more whole person...~smile~

belle

 

[peppermint_barbi]

Ok here goes......

First I want to say that I admire each and everyone of you for sharing yourself on this thread. It makes each of stronger when we let go...

Now here's my baggage.....

I grew up in, what I thought, was a middle class family. I had my mom, my dad and a brother two years younger then me. It all shattered. I remember the first night. I walked out into the living room asking my dad where mommy way and he sat there in the middle of the night drinking his coffee and said that she had to go out. It was the middle of the night but I was only 5 years old, I didn't know any better. After that night I started to understand. I loved my dad very much, I was daddy's little girl. However, when my dad drank a lot and got drunk he would take it out on my mom. He would beat her and leave her black and blue. My brother would sleep through this but I saw it or atleast heard it all. My dad would drink, my mom would get beat and then call the cops. My uncles and my parents best friends would come help once in a while. I remember one night my mom came running into mine and my brother's bedroom to call the cops and my dad broke the door down and ripped the phone out of the wall. It was so scarey.

My parents divorced but my dad still came over. The hittings stopped and my dad still came to see us and later I found out that him and my mom were going to remarry. But two weeks before Christmas when I was 8 years old, the police came to the house in the middle of the night. They came to tell my mom that there was an accident. My parents had been out that night and my dad was on his way to our apartment from his at 2am. He rode a motorcycle. Unfortunately he didn't wear a helmet. There was construction on the rode. Apparently not enough barricades to deter the drivers....My dad rode into the machinery and was killed. I never knew how bad things got after that until recently. My grandmother, my dad's mom, had the electricity turned off on us, her grandchildren because it was in his name. We sued the construction company and my brother and I got trust funds but apparently my grandmother tried to sue the trust funds to pay for my father's funeral. I understand she lost her only son but we lost our father. And we were little kids. We went on for years still seeing my grandmother because my mom felt that we needed to out of respect for my dad.

After my dad died, I grew up quickly. I was 8 years old and had to be and adult. My mom started going out, then went back to school. Finally she started favoring everything my brother did. Her excuse was always that he didn't have a father. Well what about me? I blocked out a lot from my childhood because of everything that went on. But I do know this, things happened and it made me the way I am today....after my dad died I lost my grandfather, my other grandmother, my uncle, my great grandparents, my great aunt...it just kept getting worse. During high school, and still to do this day I'm afraid to love anyone for fear of losing them. And if I do love them, I get out before they can hurt me.

I became very promiscueis (sp?). Had sex at 15, was raped in high school by one of the "popular" guys at a party but it stopped quickly cause a friend came and found me thank god for him, dated many guys, had sex with all of them....finally my senior year I met the guy that I would marry. We dated and then moved in together. I got pregnant and we got married. I would not trade my daughter for the world. finally I thought things were going well. I went back to school and got my degree and started my career. His parents don't like me and resent me for going to college and finishing which he didn't do. Not my fault but they tend to make it my fault. Two years ago I got pregnant again. I was so happy. Then last June my mom died. She died accidently from complications from a seizure. No one was there and I should have said sorry to her for a lot of things that happened over the last couple of years. I was nine months pregnant when my mom's best friend and my husband found her. It was the worst day of my life....I have dealt with a lot of depression lately. Two weeks later my second daughter was born but she had to stay in the hospital for four extra days cause she was not breathing right.

One minute I think things are going to go right and then the bottom drops out. I am not innocent, I like to play and have fun. Sometimes too much fun. I have met some great people here at lit that have helped me deal with a lot. And I love them for that. Maybe one of these days I will be able to trust a man again. I love men but I don't trust them. I also feel like I can't love anyone or I will lose them. I have that fear all the time about my children. My brother and I have become close but now he has moved to California and I feel all alone again. I am surrounded by people but I feel so alone. Like I don't have anyone that I can count on. I am going back to work in a week and hopefully that will help but then again my ex-best friend works there and told me shortly after my mom passed away that I was a money hungry bitch that thought she was the center of universe....Oh well...never a dull moment....

I can't believe I just did this....Thank you for this thread. It's a place to let go of our demons...I hope.....hugs and kisses to all of you

 

[Marilyth]

Grabs all the uncertainty she's accummulated over the past few months and throws it off the top of the Empire State building. GOOD RIDDANCE MOTHERFUCKER!!!

 

[redelicious]

I don't even know that I am in touch with myself well enough to be able to post here with any honesty.
I hope one day I am.

 

[SexyAmber]

*drops her bags off at the valet*
I hate myself somedays. Today is one. And I don’t mean I am feeling down or depressed I actually can’t stand myself. I am an emotional nightmare. My roomate told me about an hour ago that I reminded her of a porcupine, that when I feel threatened the prickly things come out around me so that no one can get close. I can so easily cut some out of my life that it is scary. My voice changes, my whole demeanor. I can be so cruel in the things I say, they are out of my mouth without a thought. On the other hand when I am hurt isn’t that natural thing to do? I mean I am definitely no the poor me type, not at all, almost regretfully so. I hate showing weakness. And the thing is every time I let someone in they hurt me. Is that just the natural course of life? Is that what always happens and it is inevitable? I am beginning to think so and that is a depressing thought. Maybe we weren’t meant to let people close. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop…I will fuck things up if they get too good. I sabotage my own relationships. But do I hurt? Yes ..so very much, maybe I can’t show it but I do. I feel like sometimes a knife goes straight through my heart. I feel like I could cry until there were no more tears. I love hard and thus I hurt hard. I want to scream out..."DON"T DO THIS TO ME, Please I am begging don't hurt me..I'm scared can't you see how scared I am...how that I never thought you could do this to me"...but instead just the cool "I'm ok" silence.

I hate myself today.

 

[TantaLiza]

I'm afraid to let anyone see that I'm not as independent as I claim to be...it gives what little control I feel I have away. I've had to do things for myself and my child...I've had no choice!! It's been either sink or swim... I choose to float most of the time. I think it's time to really open up...see how much I can take before I break.....maybe someone will catch me this time??

 

[PassionsEcho]

I'm not abandoning, I'm closing a chapter.

Drags in my many boxes that for some reason I've held onto far too long. Reaches into the first box and pulls out my ex lovers clothes. No sense keeping these packed up hoping she might return one day. Reaches into another and pulls out the kids clothes. I'm sure they've outgrown these by now. Reaches into the next box, pulling out various toys, two bikes, some skates....runs my hand over the smallest bike...remembering the joy in teaching a young girl how to ride. Reaching into another box I pull out pictures and toss those to the side too. I find her various knick-knacks and toss those on the pile. I've held on to all of this far too long and how can I hope to move on with so many reminders?
Moves on to another set of boxes marked marriage. Reaches in and tosses out the years of abuse I suffered. Finds the emotional scars and gives them a toss too. I can't grow nor move on holding onto these. Finds one more box....the person I had become and dumps this on the floor too. You changed me, you took so many parts of me away and this person was and will never be the real me.
Finds another box marked rape. This goes out to an unamed man. You took advantage of me at a tender and young age and made me feel ashamed of myself, like I had done something wrong. You don't deserve another moments thoughts.

And now the final box marked memories. Looks inside of this one and sees so many smiles as well as tears and decides this box is worth keeping. All of these are a part of me and there are strengths and weaknesses to be found in here, but all I can learn from and all will help me on my way to becoming who I want.