huskie
Recovering
- Joined
- Mar 20, 2002
- Posts
- 49,404
1. "Northerner" really means "Northeasterner."
2. And by "Northeasterner," we really mean people from
Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey and
Pennsylvania.
3. Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire and Rhode Island are
nothing more than tiny, underpopulated states packed
with hicks. We have a strict "don't ask, don't tell"
policy when it comes to what they do.
4. Rhode Island is Massachusetts' "little brother,",
always trying to outdo its larger sibling. Note to the
rest of the United States: Rhode Islanders have the
really thick accents.
5. We don't care about the Civil War. At all. We don't
ever think about it, unless you bring it up. It's like
"The South! is some bitter ex-girlfriend whining about
a breakup from 100 years ago.
6. If pressed on the matter, we shrug and think, "We
won." Then we move on.
7. California is the only state that's in the "west."
Everything else is "near California." And Oregon and
Washington seem like the same place, but Idaho? We
don't know what Idaho does, besides potatoes.
8. The real "south" is Alabama, the Carolinas,
Louisiana and Georgia. Those states scare us deeply.
Sort of like when the opening theme to "Unsolved
Mysteries" kicks in. Same feeling.
9. Tennessee and Kentucky might as well be the same
state for all we care. Don't they both have a Memphis?
10. Texas isn't part of the United States. It's just
"Texas," land where everyone looks like Boss Hog.
That's all we feel we need to know, honestly. Big hats.
Boots. Oil. Cheerleaders.
11. A long drive is two hours. A short drive is 15
minutes. Anything over 4 hours requires a plane ticket.
Period.
12. Midwestern is a synonym for "naive."
13. California is a synonym for "shallow." Los Angeles
is where shallow people become famous. Hollywood is
where the famous, shallow people get arrested for
shoplifting or overdose in bars.
14. Florida is where old New Yorkers go to die. Las
Vegas is where they feed.
15. And while we're here, Las Vegas is considered a
Northern City, but Nevada is not part of the North.
It's just like how you eat the banana and chuck the
peel.
16. It's funny to watch people in the South drive in
snow. They always panic.
17. Tornadoes and earthquakes aren't real. Are they?
C'mon!
18. We have no idea why we'd ever go to Arkansas, New
Mexico, Iowa, Idaho, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Montana, North
Dakota, South Dakota, Kansas, Utah, Missouri, and West
Virginia.Nor do we have any urge to. We don't know
anything that's there, aside from college teams we root
against.
19. Sitcoms in New York City = funny.
20. Sitcoms set elsewhere = less funny.
21. What's in the Southwest? We're kinda curious.
22. There is no fundamental difference between South
Dakota and North Dakota, or even South Carolina and
North Carolina. Couldn't they come up with more
original names at some point?
23. But Virginia and West Virginia? It's like George
and Lenny in Of Mice and Men. Big scary difference.
24. Hawaii or Alaska aren't "real" states. They're like
junior college transfer states. Washington DC is as far
south as we feel we need to go.
25. Minnesota is a really strange place, ain't it?
Prince, Gov. Jesse Ventura, Randy Moss. Frightening.
26. If a sport can be held at a country fair, then it's
not a sport. Competitive cheerleading? Professional
auto racing? Bull riding? Northern sports are played in
arenas, centers, gardens and the occasional field.
27. We were never impressed by the Houston Astrodome.
28. Tanning isn't something that just happens, you
know. It's a hobby. We need to work hard to get
sunburns that require hospitalization.
29. The rest of the country has strange fast-food
places and universally crappy pizza. Do they screw up
the pizza on purpose because we show up?
30. Chicago is really part of the North, not the
Midwest. We traded Pittsburgh and the rest of western
Pennsylvania for it. Good deal when Pittsburgh was a
steel town.
31. We can't label the Midwest on the map, but we know
it when we see it. Mostly because it has freckles and a
bowl cut. If it's female, it has on the tight sweater.
32. There's really no reason to see the rest of the
country when everyone's always coming here. We'll see
them when they show up in Philadelphia, Boston or New
York.
Now tell me that the NE doesn't have an attitude
problem.
2. And by "Northeasterner," we really mean people from
Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey and
Pennsylvania.
3. Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire and Rhode Island are
nothing more than tiny, underpopulated states packed
with hicks. We have a strict "don't ask, don't tell"
policy when it comes to what they do.
4. Rhode Island is Massachusetts' "little brother,",
always trying to outdo its larger sibling. Note to the
rest of the United States: Rhode Islanders have the
really thick accents.
5. We don't care about the Civil War. At all. We don't
ever think about it, unless you bring it up. It's like
"The South! is some bitter ex-girlfriend whining about
a breakup from 100 years ago.
6. If pressed on the matter, we shrug and think, "We
won." Then we move on.
7. California is the only state that's in the "west."
Everything else is "near California." And Oregon and
Washington seem like the same place, but Idaho? We
don't know what Idaho does, besides potatoes.
8. The real "south" is Alabama, the Carolinas,
Louisiana and Georgia. Those states scare us deeply.
Sort of like when the opening theme to "Unsolved
Mysteries" kicks in. Same feeling.
9. Tennessee and Kentucky might as well be the same
state for all we care. Don't they both have a Memphis?
10. Texas isn't part of the United States. It's just
"Texas," land where everyone looks like Boss Hog.
That's all we feel we need to know, honestly. Big hats.
Boots. Oil. Cheerleaders.
11. A long drive is two hours. A short drive is 15
minutes. Anything over 4 hours requires a plane ticket.
Period.
12. Midwestern is a synonym for "naive."
13. California is a synonym for "shallow." Los Angeles
is where shallow people become famous. Hollywood is
where the famous, shallow people get arrested for
shoplifting or overdose in bars.
14. Florida is where old New Yorkers go to die. Las
Vegas is where they feed.
15. And while we're here, Las Vegas is considered a
Northern City, but Nevada is not part of the North.
It's just like how you eat the banana and chuck the
peel.
16. It's funny to watch people in the South drive in
snow. They always panic.
17. Tornadoes and earthquakes aren't real. Are they?
C'mon!
18. We have no idea why we'd ever go to Arkansas, New
Mexico, Iowa, Idaho, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Montana, North
Dakota, South Dakota, Kansas, Utah, Missouri, and West
Virginia.Nor do we have any urge to. We don't know
anything that's there, aside from college teams we root
against.
19. Sitcoms in New York City = funny.
20. Sitcoms set elsewhere = less funny.
21. What's in the Southwest? We're kinda curious.
22. There is no fundamental difference between South
Dakota and North Dakota, or even South Carolina and
North Carolina. Couldn't they come up with more
original names at some point?
23. But Virginia and West Virginia? It's like George
and Lenny in Of Mice and Men. Big scary difference.
24. Hawaii or Alaska aren't "real" states. They're like
junior college transfer states. Washington DC is as far
south as we feel we need to go.
25. Minnesota is a really strange place, ain't it?
Prince, Gov. Jesse Ventura, Randy Moss. Frightening.
26. If a sport can be held at a country fair, then it's
not a sport. Competitive cheerleading? Professional
auto racing? Bull riding? Northern sports are played in
arenas, centers, gardens and the occasional field.
27. We were never impressed by the Houston Astrodome.
28. Tanning isn't something that just happens, you
know. It's a hobby. We need to work hard to get
sunburns that require hospitalization.
29. The rest of the country has strange fast-food
places and universally crappy pizza. Do they screw up
the pizza on purpose because we show up?
30. Chicago is really part of the North, not the
Midwest. We traded Pittsburgh and the rest of western
Pennsylvania for it. Good deal when Pittsburgh was a
steel town.
31. We can't label the Midwest on the map, but we know
it when we see it. Mostly because it has freckles and a
bowl cut. If it's female, it has on the tight sweater.
32. There's really no reason to see the rest of the
country when everyone's always coming here. We'll see
them when they show up in Philadelphia, Boston or New
York.
Now tell me that the NE doesn't have an attitude
problem.
*cries* I live in the Carolina's now and believe me I can't STAND some people here... it's insane!
.
