A very triangle shaped relationship....seeking advice, input, whatever....

[tenchikoi]

I am currently a 34 year old woman. A few months ago, I met this young man, who is 21, on an on-line game we both play. At the time, I knew he was involved in an adulterous relationship with a female family member of mine who is in her fifties and married.

She and I are in the same state, he is to the west. They both know I do not condone affairs of any sort, be they physical or emotional. She is involved with him because she is in an unhappy marriage. But refuses to leave him because then she wont get a penny of his money.

She married him for his money. Problem is, as I've gotten to know this young man over the months and we've grown closer....I've come to realize and accept that I am very much in love with him. I don't doubt that she loves him also, but for her it seems more of an ego thing and an emotional balm to hang on to him.

I myself am single, but as much as I love this young man....it would not be good for him to be with me. I would much rather see him with a young lady that he can have a family with and grow old together. He has admitted to me that he loves us both, but he chooses to remain with her because he's known her longer. Over 4 years, which means he may have been a minor when they met and that seriously creeps me out.

It has caused a bit of family drama between us since everyone knows how we both feel for him, yet her husband is unaware of her activities due to separate cell phone accounts, emails, FB pages. Though I myself would never tell my uncle of her activities, many in the family certainly want to because they believe she is behaving badly.

She and I have both been intimate with him on the phone and through skype also. I've had a lot of fun and have enjoyed loving him, but when it comes down to it I believe he doesn't need to be with either of us.

She refuses to let him go and the few times I'd suggested to him that he should find a girl friend on his college campus he's not liked that idea at all. Not really sure how to handle the situation.

I'm going to love him no matter what, but I want him to be happy and in a healthy relationship. Maybe someone else has some insight I could use. Thanks for reading this horribly long thing.

 

[CelticKnotted]

So you haven't actually met this kid? Just phone and Skype? And you love him?

 

[tenchikoi]

Strangely, yes....but odder things have happened. She hasn't met him either so it doesn't seem unusual to me.

 

[CelticKnotted]

Strangely, yes....but odder things have happened. She hasn't met him either so it doesn't seem unusual to me.

Well, she seems equally unusual seeking a sexual relationship with a 17 (or younger) year old while in her fifties. I do not think she should be a model of normalcy.

 

[tenchikoi]

Well, she seems equally unusual seeking a sexual relationship with a 17 (or younger) year old while in her fifties. I do not think she should be a model of normalcy.

Nope, but that's the situation we find ourselves in. Normal or not...it's a very complicated thing at the moment.

 

[silverwhisper]

wait a minute.

you knew he was engaged in an adulterous relationship with your aunt, and you still wound up in this place?

wow.

look: you're 13 years his senior. never mind whatever the fuck is wrong in your aunt's head--cuz there's plainly a fuckload of wrong if everyone is aware of what's going on--you need to stop spending time with him in any and every way.

when this situation blows up, you'll almost certainly get caught in the spatter if you don't isolate yourself immediately.

and prepare yourself emotionally for your aunt to hate you when this ends. she will almost certainly blame you if she's sufficiently insecure to be taking comfort in a kid young enough to be her son--no matter how illogical that reaction may be.

ed

 

[tenchikoi]

wait a minute.

you knew he was engaged in an adulterous relationship with your aunt, and you still wound up in this place?

wow.

look: you're 13 years his senior. never mind whatever the fuck is wrong in your aunt's head--cuz there's plainly a fuckload of wrong if everyone is aware of what's going on--you need to stop spending time with him in any and every way.

when this situation blows up, you'll almost certainly get caught in the spatter if you don't isolate yourself immediately.

and prepare yourself emotionally for your aunt to hate you when this ends. she will almost certainly blame you if she's sufficiently insecure to be taking comfort in a kid young enough to be her son--no matter how illogical that reaction may be.

ed

Yes Ed, it is very messed up. There is fault on all sides. I've already taken steps recently to distance myself from him, though I know it is painful for him. I know things wont end well between those two and mostly feel sorry for him because she took advantage of his youth and innocence. But I am being cautious to protect myself and have been encouraging him to see the situation with her for what it really is....a huge mess.

 

[silverwhisper]

well, you're already taking the steps you can to protect yourself. this is good.

when things go pear-shaped, i hope you'll be as unaffected as possible, technikoi. i know this must be difficult for you and hope you can find a little peace.

ed

 

[tenchikoi]

well, you're already taking the steps you can to protect yourself. this is good.

when things go pear-shaped, i hope you'll be as unaffected as possible, technikoi. i know this must be difficult for you and hope you can find a little peace.

ed

I hope it'll all work out ok for him. I feel as if he's the true victim in all this. I wasn't looking to fall in love with anyone, but I found myself feeling that way. I was single because I didn't want a relationship at this time of any sort....but it happened anyway. I could have said no, but I was admittedly weak. So I take responsibility for my role in this. I just want him to be ok.

 

[SweetErika]

How did you just happen to meet your aunt's young e-lover via an online game? Does your aunt play the same game, or were you two introduced by her?

I'm on board with "getting out NOW," however painful that may be for you. Your aunt should really know better, but so should you - as you said yourself, there's nowhere for this "relationship" of yours to go.

Your aunt probably preyed on this dude, but the fact of the matter is, he's an adult and can make his own choices now. Him being OK is not your responsibility, and he'll probably be a hell of a lot better if he doesn't have all of this drama to deal with. So take yourself out of it immediately and let your aunt and this guy sort themselves out. Then, and I'm sorry if this is harsh, but maybe you should be putting your energy into reality and figuring out exactly why you got yourself into this mess, rather than worrying about two other adults and online gaming. Just because you're related to an immature screwball doesn't mean you have to be one as well, so rise above all of this, focus on your own issues and bettering yourself.

Best of luck to you!

ETA: Oh, and unless you're talking about god or whatever, I'd suggest starting with changing your profile and sig.

 

[BertrandRussell]

I've read the whole thread twice, and I still can't figure out why you think it is any of your business.

They are two consenting adults. Leave it alone. Find someone with whom you can have a real in-person relationship. You'll be a lot happier.

So will they.

 

[timurlenky]

I agree that you should cut off contact with him if possible. It may be hard at first but you'll get over him and will find some one better eventually. From my experience it shouldn't be too hard for a girl to find another admirer in an online game (if that's really what you're looking for). It'll also be good for him if you stop fooling around with him.

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

I too find myself curious as to how you "met" him - online gaming that just happened to team you two up together - did she introduce you? Perhaps she mentioned him, and you sought him out?

Either way, all three of you are in the wrong and you can only take care of you. He'll be fine, just walk away, delete all access to him, tell your Aunt you don't want to hear about him and when/if she talks to you about him, stop her mid-sentence and leave the conversation, no matter if it is an online one, or a face-to-face one.

Future advice: Don't get involved with someone so much younger than you unless you are able to spend real life one-on-one time with them. Online fun is online fun, but if you really think you "Love" someone from online, and you are both single, I just don't see why you don't make the effort to meet them.

We have a single friend in his late forties, that is in love with an online girl who is 23. I think he's a dirty old man, but he claims they are in love. He has the finances and freedom to go meet her, she doesn't have a way to see him, but does he do it? No he keeps dangling her and she lets him. Both are adults and making their own decisions. You really need to make your own too.

Will you? Probably not, from what you've posted you're still not ready to walk away. Good luck to all of you.

 

[Monster66]

Hmm

Every one of us is thinking it, so I'll just bluntly throw it out there...
What a giant clusterfuck!!

 

[infinity706]

I really don't see all the bashing of going after someone years older/younger. It's not like meeting someone young and growing old together works out very often. Biological age, also, doesn't equal maturity and age of majority is just a convenient way to set a legal standard so we don't have to do anything complicated. (Conveniently, it also, roughly falls about the time of high school graduation. It's not like that certificate has magical powers or something.) For all we know, the 21 year old might even be as much or more mature than the 50+ year old woman and they might make a great couple.

Honestly, it's probably best to just step out of the triangle and let them sort it out for themselves.

 

[subwannabe]

Geeeez. I'm not good in this area because I just can't empathise. I'm really sorry but I think many parts of this are just downright stupid. How could you get involved with someone so much younger than you - a college boy (KID)? Why do you think it is your reponsibility to see that he is happy? Why would you get involved with someone (a KID) who is dating a much older woman (your own aunt?)who is cheating on her husband? Your aunt is in love with some young kid who she has never met? You are in love with someone (a kid) you have never met? I say again, Geeeeeez. Neither one of you live in the real world and need some serious help. You sound like a lovesick teenager yourself who tells her mom she has met the man of her dreams and the mother says, "That's nice dear", and then turns around, smirks, rolls her eyes, and says to herself, "God, she thinks she's met the man of her dreams." At least in that case the teenager is referring to a real person while you and your aunt are stuck in a twilight zone cyber space. I know you will quickly dismiss my post as being from an insensitive uncaring asshole so in that case please refer to all of the other posts.

 

[SweetErika]

I really don't see all the bashing of going after someone years older/younger. It's not like meeting someone young and growing old together works out very often. Biological age, also, doesn't equal maturity and age of majority is just a convenient way to set a legal standard so we don't have to do anything complicated. (Conveniently, it also, roughly falls about the time of high school graduation. It's not like that certificate has magical powers or something.) For all we know, the 21 year old might even be as much or more mature than the 50+ year old woman and they might make a great couple.

Honestly, it's probably best to just step out of the triangle and let them sort it out for themselves.

I'm taking it as people are questioning the maturity levels and/or judgment of all parties.

Clearly the 21-year-old is immature; if he wasn't, he wouldn't be "in love" with a woman nearly old enough to be his grandmother and her niece, both of whom he's never met and doesn't have any future with. Plus, he'd rather stay with his cyber lovers than have RL relationships and chooses who he wants to be with based on time, rather than feelings, commonalities, the viability of meeting and having a real relationship, etc.

The aunt is immature because she leaped before she looked and thinks she's in love with a kid who she's never met after YEARS. Apparently, she has no regard for her husband, family, the law or children.

The OP fell "in love" with a 21-year-old she met via an online game who she knew was in e-love with her own aunt. And now she's having trouble letting go of this kid even though she knows there's no future with him, he'd be far better off dating people in his peer group and having fun at college, and it's causing family turmoil. Does that sound like the profile of a mature person to you?

You're right that age doesn't equal maturity, but life experience certainly should add to maturity. There's a vast difference between a teen/young person and senior in life experience, and usually, maturity. If things go as we typically expect, there's a huge difference between a 20 and 30 year old because a ton of growth and change usually takes place in our twenties. At 20, people are usually in school or getting their first serious jobs, partying, dating around, making mistakes (and hopefully learning something from them) and experimenting with a bunch of stuff. At 30, most people are established in their careers, working on financial stability, and at least thinking about committed relationships and having kids of their own. 50 is a whole other phase of life. Peter Pan Syndrome is the exception, not the rule, and while you may choose that path, most people do not.

 

[infinity706]

I'm taking it as people are questioning the maturity levels and/or judgment of all parties.

Clearly the 21-year-old is immature; if he wasn't, he wouldn't be "in love" with a woman nearly old enough to be his grandmother and her niece, both of whom he's never met and doesn't have any future with. Plus, he'd rather stay with his cyber lovers than have RL relationships and chooses who he wants to be with based on time, rather than feelings, commonalities, the viability of meeting and having a real relationship, etc.

The aunt is immature because she leaped before she looked and thinks she's in love with a kid who she's never met after YEARS. Apparently, she has no regard for her husband, family, the law or children.

The OP fell "in love" with a 21-year-old she met via an online game who she knew was in e-love with her own aunt. And now she's having trouble letting go of this kid even though she knows there's no future with him, he'd be far better off dating people in his peer group and having fun at college, and it's causing family turmoil. Does that sound like the profile of a mature person to you?

You're right that age doesn't equal maturity, but life experience certainly should add to maturity. There's a vast difference between a teen/young person and senior in life experience, and usually, maturity. If things go as we typically expect, there's a huge difference between a 20 and 30 year old because a ton of growth and change usually takes place in our twenties. At 20, people are usually in school or getting their first serious jobs, partying, dating around, making mistakes (and hopefully learning something from them) and experimenting with a bunch of stuff. At 30, most people are established in their careers, working on financial stability, and at least thinking about committed relationships and having kids of their own. 50 is a whole other phase of life. Peter Pan Syndrome is the exception, not the rule, and while you may choose that path, most people do not.

I agree that the situation doesn't sound good. Of course, maybe the answer is more that the 50+ year old and the 21 year old should meet up. If they aren't compatable, it'll probably show itself, rather than risking breaking up what could have been a happy couple.

We also don't know that he'd be having more fun. He could just as easily continue to stay in his room or he might go to his first party, get drunk and knock up a one night stand partner.

As for the lack of regard for the law, though, she might not have know he was underage unless she asked and he told her the truth. Even in person, a lot of people think I'm underage, but I'm 25. She also did nothing wrong unless there was an exchange of sexually explicit visual images or they physically had sex with each other (depending on how the applicable laws are worded). It's not like you can catch anything or get knocked up by cyber sex and no one's been proposing to pass new laws, despite how old the internet is, now.

As for the family, if the relationship is as bad as it sounds, there's a good chance he's cheating, too. There's, also, just as good of a chance that some of these family members dislike her and just want to get rid of her. From what I've seen, the majority of the time that people instigate things, it's for personal gain. Some people just dig for any dirt they can, simply so they can stab someone in the back.

Life experience isn't actually necessary, either. You could, just as easily, investigate possibilities and not do something dumb in the first place. That doesn't mean the way people typically do things is the right path, either. If you date responsible, mature, older people, you might even learn from all the stupid shit they did. A lot of my special friends got married early, got knocked up unexpectedly, ended up in abusive relationships, did drugs, got arrested, got injured, cheated on people/got cheated on, and took jobs they didn't enjoy to support familes they often ended up resenting. Does that mean I should go back and do all those things just to see if I can replicate all the disasters?

I actually got to experiment with things, with the help of experienced people that knew what the hell they were doing. Of course, there's nothing stopping me from hanging out with people that aren't as old and teaching them how to get what you want without fucking anything up. It's not like I only go after people old enough to be my grandparents.

Besides, I got to have a bunch of grandkids before my mom did. The fact that the parents might be older than me doesn't exactly matter. I can just cheat the system and do the grandparent thing without actually raising kids. I can also babysit other peoples' kids. They just happen to come with all the shit you need and you don't have to take care of them full time. It's not that I hate kids or anything. I actually get along with the grandkids and the kids I babysit better than some of the parents and grandparents do.

The whole open relationship idea also works even better with older people that have a history of cheating/being cheated on. It just makes sense to work out a deal that lets you go fuck other people and not have to hide it.

It is kind of weird to talk about when someone was young and stupid if they did said stupid thing when they were older than I am now, though.

 

[silverwhisper]

i'm just curious, infinity: does it require devoted hard work or merely great aptitude to be that contrary? :>

ed

 

[infinity706]

I'd like to think I think outside the box. It's not like I do things differently just to be different, though. There has to be some merit to it. That's the same kind of thing that killed most of the big box movie rental stores, though, and would have killed the American auto industry if it hadn't been bailed out. Sometimes, traditional is a good idea, but you can't just blindly stand behind it. Like they always say, those that fail to learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.

 

[tenchikoi]

I'm really enjoying reading everyone's opinion and am finding it all very helpful. Also, when I refer to having 'met' him, I mean within the game. I knew 'of' him before, but had never actually talked to him until my Aunt suggested we hang out. I was vaguely aware that the two of them had some sort of history, but as I got to know him I learned the whole the whole story. Since reading these comments, I've taken steps to limit my contact with him. I can not completely axe him from the picture since my entire family plays this game and it's a large part of how we keep in touch since we live so far apart. As well as phone and skype. But the game is just for family togetherness in a modern way.

 

[SweetErika]

Now I'm really curious about which game brings so much family closeness. I guess I've never seen anyone play a game online who wasn't more engrossed in the game than their real family/friends.

Couldn't you tell your family you're taking a break from the game and that you'd like to set times to have phone or Skype conversations with them instead of talking to them in the game?

 

[tenchikoi]

Now I'm really curious about which game brings so much family closeness. I guess I've never seen anyone play a game online who wasn't more engrossed in the game than their real family/friends.

Couldn't you tell your family you're taking a break from the game and that you'd like to set times to have phone or Skype conversations with them instead of talking to them in the game?

I've done this also. The game is Maple Story. A real cutesy game that's family friendly. That's why we chose it.

 

[tenchikoi]

Now I'm really curious about which game brings so much family closeness. I guess I've never seen anyone play a game online who wasn't more engrossed in the game than their real family/friends.

Couldn't you tell your family you're taking a break from the game and that you'd like to set times to have phone or Skype conversations with them instead of talking to them in the game?

But I know that gamers often get a bad rep, which some are deserved. When we're all on, we rarely actually play anymore. We just sit around in a pretty location talking and catching up with each others life. For us, it's just a different way of keeping in touch. But we only do this in the evenings. On the weekends we call, since it's free long distance for us. We all skype when we have time or don't want to get on the game. It's just not about the game for us. You know what I mean?