A Time To Try

[MissTaken]

The title of the story sums up my writing efforts. While it isn't my first story, it is one that I felt was far better than others I have written.

Please, review and provide feedback.

Be gentle, yet honest, I scar easily, but want to learn.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=72502

Thanks, all!

 

[Natural Born Eros]

Well, MissTaken, I thoroughly enjoyed your story. Don't worry, I don't intend to say anything to scar your delicate sensibilities (why do I waste these lines in feedback when they would really help my stories?).

First, the technical/style side of things. I can't fault it. What a pleasant change! If I had a gold star key, I'd give it to you, but I don't so please accept a . The one tiny problem: "her moaning had crescendoed" - it can't, gramatically. It must instead "reach a crescendo."

As to the plot, the only major concern I had was that I wasn't sure why these two were meeting. I assumed from the title that it was something to do with pregnancy, and your first para seemed to confirm this. However, I don't see why they would have to meet for that to work. (Disgusting, I know, but hey, no in vitro, no Natural Born Eros, so what can you do?) Other than that, there is no obvious explanation for why they are together, and why they are SO consumed with lust.

[from now on, my points are minor, nit-picking details]
Would they really call each other "love," "darling" and "dear" all the time. I realise it is possible (and being from Yorkshire, the two years I spent in Canada were punctuated by my offending ladies with terms such as sweetheart, petal, darling, etc when I hadn't even met them!) but I'm not sure it is totally in keeping. Your portrayal of him as a gentleman would seem, to me at least, to preclude these constant endearments.

How would Robert know whose bags to pick up? He hasn't seen photos of her luggage, has he? Reading all the cards on the carousel seems a bit unlikely too. Its a shame, because I found that really funny and sweet.

Finally, an entirely personal problem, since I know that orgasm dialogue is as varied as orgasm from person to person. On two seperate occassions Robert directs Elizabeth's orgasms with the word "now!" I have tried this once, and only once:

Me: Now!
[sudden, complete stillness. She is not moving, and looks angrier than I've ever seen her.]
Her: I'm not a fucking fucking machine, you know. If I haven't that is YOUR FAULT!

She's very reasonable, normally. So as you can see, that line grated a little with me. There is probably nothing at all wrong with it for the majority of readers.

Anyway, those were all small points. As I say, I would clean up the context a bit, give the lazy members of your audience less to do. Other than that, I loved it, and gave it a five.

Eros

 

[MissTaken]

Thank you, very much.

I am not new to writing, but very new to trying to build a flowing story. In this situation, these two had met on the internet and had been "involved" for ten months. This being their first meeting.

Oops. I guess that wasn't made clear. Thank you!

If I were to continue the saga of Robert and Elizabeth, it would likely turn into a BDSM story. Hence, his commanding her to orgasm.

Again, I think that for a novice writer, it is difficult not to assume that the reader knows exactly what is rolling around in our mind.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read the story and I will heed your advice in my next venture.

MissT

 

[the_bragis]

Hello

Hello Miss Taken,

Like Eros, I really enjoyed this one. I can't really add much to his excellent feedback.

You know what is really intriguing to me? How different people, especially men and women interpret things. I read your story a couple of times, like I always do, before I began making notes or reading other feedback on your story. I took your story title to mean, like trying something new, a sea change of sorts.

Like Eros, I was also a little curious about the circumstances of their meeting, but I guess that's your call to decide how much you want the reader to know. Sometimes a little left to the imagination is good.

I did find it odd that Elizabeth would be so calm with Robert at the airport. I would have thought if she had 'butterflies in her stomach' on the plane, they would be burst out when she came face to face with him for the first time. I would have like to have read more about how nervous and excited she was. Maybe that's just me though, the romance can never be too over done for my tastes.

On that note, I'm not sure but I think a yellow rose is the symbol of unfaithfulness. How about making it a red rose?

This is what else I noted:

His touch was delicate, as if he were afraid she would shatter before his eyes.

This simple and exquisite line says so much.

Robert savored the moment, enjoying the raw sensuality of the moment.

It's certainly not a big deal, but I did note you have used the same words kind of close together a few times. Sure, I know what you are thinking, how nit picky can she get? But it's just breaks what would otherwise be a smoother read. I think in this instance, you could have dropped 'of the moment' of the end.

He leaned forward and kissed her cheek where the dampness sparkled in the moonlight. His lips lightly touched the corner of her mouth, and then he pulled back. Instinctively, she moved her face toward his. Robert's lips met hers, softly, slowly as if massaging hers in deliberate, tender kisses. He felt her body tremble within his arms.

Oh boy, I could eat this stuff for breakfast, I enjoy it so much! I noted throughout your story, there are some really lovely tender and loving descriptions.

"Thank goodness! I was really…" her chatter was interrupted by his finger on her lips.

Simple and nice.

She stared at the floor, feeling embarrassed, yet highly erotic.
This is just me, but I again I would have enjoyed a little more description of this powerful moment.

She lay spent and exhausted in a semi conscious state.

Semi conscious? Well she probably was after a climax like that one, I know I would be, but I still think a word like 'euphoric' may have worked better here.

savored the aroma of his cologne and perspiration.

Damn it, yes! I know exactly what you mean here.

Ok, in summarizing, you mention in your response to Eros you would like to take the next chapter into BDSM. This is just my opinion, but perhaps you should try to keep it to very 'light' BDSM. Readers who enjoyed this lovely romantic story of yours may, or may not be happy to follow it into something too dark.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day now,

Alex. (female)

 

[the_bragis]

Eros,

I have tried this once, and only once:

Me: Now!
sudden, complete stillness. She is not moving, and looks angrier than I've ever seen her.]
Her: I'm not a fucking fucking machine, you know. If I haven't that is YOUR FAULT! ~ Natural Born Eros

I'm sorry, but I had to have a little giggle when I read this.

Well, love, darling, dearest, don't you just learn something new about women every single time?

Have a great day,

Alex.

 

[MissTaken]

Thank you, very much, bragis.

Yes, a bit of light, romantic D/s, versus BDSM would be in order. I should have been more specific.

Your input answered a question I had over and again when writing, "Is this too much romance and not enough sex?"

That may explain why I stopped short here and there.

Thank you, again.

Oh, and the calmness...again, had I been more specific, Eliz and Robert had been talking on the phone and corresponding daily for ten months without meeting, In that time, they had shared everything from the mundane details of their day to the heart shattering moments of personal loss and crisis. In many respects, Eliz and Robert have moved beyond the jitters of "new love" and are very much an old, happy couple. Damn...I should add that description in the introduction!

I think I am learning more through my lit writing experiences than I ever did in college.