A time to reflect

[Don K Dyck]

ADD, MD etc . . .

Seems that there are a few posters on the roller coaster of bi-polar aka MD . . . closely related to ADD & ADHD . . . oh, the highs are extraordinarily exciting!! . . . and the lows are the dankest pits!! Some of the most important and influencial people in histroy have displayed behaviours now described this way . . . Churchill, Leonardo da Vinci, Alexander the Great . . . But take heart . . .

"Only the mediocre are always at their best."

Exercise is a great reliever of stress and assists in times when the world gets too heavy to carry . . . regular exercise may reduce the amount of medication required . . . and recognising the onset signs is important . . . diet seems to be a trigger for some people . . . there are many books available on this subject which I have studied in some depth . . . just PM me if you would like a list.

Don (overADDachiever)

 

[Ladybird]

Re: ADD, MD etc . . .

Seems that there are a few posters on the roller coaster of bi-polar aka MD . . . closely related to ADD & ADHD . . .
Don (overADDachiever)

Thanks Don, it surprised me at first just how many of us here at Lit are Bipolar (myself included).

But when I thought about it, it made sense. Through our manic side, we are frequently uninhibited people, not just sexually, but generally. That being the case, we see no shame in admitting to our sexuality, in fact we're proud of it.

We are able to talk opening about things that many people would be uncomfortable with.

So I guess it's not all bad being bipolar!

 

[Ladybird]

aS WE ENTER 2003 We enter not just another new year but
the beginning of our life together,our love together and our happiness together..A new beginning for both of us, but finally
with someone who means the world to us.
Jenny,
if youre reading this

Another story showing the balance in life.

Oman, I think you know just how much I care for you and Jenny, and how I see your relationship as proof that it can happen, and sometimes when you expect it least.

So after a year of wanting and waiting, 2003 will be a year of togetherness.

I am thrilled for you!

 

[JennyOmanHill]

Thanks LB. You have been through it all with us, and I'm thrilled we have remained in touch on and off LIT!

2002
This year began with my emotions terribly scattered. I had never imagined myself spending time on a chat site (not to mention an erotic one!), and feeling so strongly for a man I felt so close to without even a clue as to what he looked like!

So last January, I was thrilled knowing that Oman would be with me for Valentine's Day.

As mentioned, the second I looked into his eyes, I knew we would be more than just friends. That week in February was fantastic, followed by the sadness when he had to return to the midwest.

Through the many months of searching for work, 2002 actually gave me a small ray of hope as I finally had an interview to a job that wasn't going to be. Having had my previous job for almost 30 years, I thoroughly enjoyed the process, and it gave me hope that something better was ahead.

This year taught me more than ever how to listen to my heart, and I finally found the strength to follow it!

With the love of my friends and my closest family members, I was able to work toward getting myself closer to the 'Man I fell in love with. After realizing that he would be willing to settle in busy, hectic (and expensive!) NYC, I trusted my feelings and asked Oman to be honest in telling me where he would rather be living.

I must have heard "you're leaving NYC to go WHERE??" a thousand times, but once we made the choice to try living together in his hometown, my determination grew and I felt strong enough to make the biggest move of my life!

Knowing my leaving was going to drastically affect not only my life, but the lives of my close friends, they lovingly supported me, and I will never forget their unselfishness and help! I couldn't have made the move without them.

I think part of me is still floating with the realization that I'm REALLY here (since October!). I can't express enough how wonderful it is to see my darling each and every day, even though there are many hours we must spend apart.

There are still many changes I need to adjust to, but I already feel the support and love Oman supplies me with on a daily basis, and I know I'll be able to overcome the hurdles awaiting us both.

Two years after losing my beloved dog, Oman presented me with an adorable kitten. My heart immediately has taken in this creature who showers us with his unconditional love for us (even though he has his "moments"!).

I struggled through a long phone interview, but after two office visits and testing, I finally will be employed in early January (after over 3 years)!! This much needed job is quite a departure for me, but I'm looking forward to learning all I can. It will mean a big change for both of us, as we only have one car, so we'll see each other mostly in "transit" for a while.

Turning 50 was less traumatic than I had anticipated, primarily because of the love of this special 'Man! (Plus there are many folks around who look older than me! LOL)

What a wonderful family Oman has! They have accepted me so readily, and it was just great enjoying the holidays with them. They are people you actually want to spend time with!

Money will be a major problem for both of us, but my inner voice still tells me that things will work out fine. Adjusting to being a "we" is an experience I never expected!

Looking forward to a very different 2003 than I ever imagined!

 

[aramera]

Humpy Bumpy
Should get to page 3.

 

[Angelofsex]

2003 is going to be the turning point..

Of my life. In May of this year I was in the hospital for two weeks with an infection in my legs. I am still out of work from it. This has been the second time I had it, first time was March of 2001 and was in the hospital for three weeks then.. Come the begining of 2003 I will be having a stomack by pass for the health reasons I been having. My family is a little scare of me doing it, but if I don't worst things could happen.

Then in December, pnumonia to fight.....getting better with that.

There are good things:

My daughter who I am very proud of graduate's college this coming spring.

My brother's daughter gave birth to a set of twin boys.

I am very thankful for my family and friends.

My husband and daughter for being there for me, with everything I have been threw.

1sexylady and I have been friends for 16 yrs........more of a real sister

For Literotica for being me so many dear friends........my other bestest friend who I met here........Prettygrneyes.......&.........Peppermint_Barbi

Jacqline as a sister to me.

So for me coming to Lit a year ago I have been blessed over and over again.

Please forgive me my other dearest friends for not putting your names down........I love you all very much.........but the list will go on and on.

 

[biggbear8]

well how do i start i came to lit in june of 2002 actually earlier i use to just read the stories so one day i came into the board and posted the first poem i ever wrote and wa s told some thing which helped me . but the reason i start ed going into chat was to talk to people and it was nice to actually have people talk to you, soi became known because i would go from room to room at first and i would say hi to everyone that would coem in and to the ladys i would give hugs or hugs and kisses ten i went into stories and authors and the incouraged me to write something so i did then i posted it . well now i have 42 submission on my own and one with cookie we are writing a story together.
i have met alot of wonderful and beautiful people and i charish everyone i meet and they have treated me so special aand make me feel good .
well in the end of sept beginning of oct i had some test done for stomach bypass surgery well they didnt turn out as well as expected my heart function is only about 50 to 60 % my lung function is 40 % still waiting on a couple more tests to be done before they well tell me if they well do the surgery on me but a couple drs thing it well help alittle but not much, but they are hoping that it well be enough to do more tests on my heart.
i have struggled with infection of my legs and other assoc. problems , but i have remained strong through it all.
then some one decided to get into my real life and told my real life gf about be chatting with other ladies which she knew iwas doing but they made it sound worse then what it is, enough about that,
i have been blessed to have made so meny wonderful friend Rosy, angelofsex, goldeneyes ,bluedaisy, dream, jacqline,tonitits,
1sexylady, studdog , ozme, mstrskey, voyagers dream, cordilia.jayhawk girl,sultry sire,meow,cherilynn,lynn,magan, cj, churchydom,the temptress, sungoingdown , wildwings, angeline
i could go on forever they all are special to me and my friend if i didnt mention you know u are in my heart, but the best and most special friend and lover is my cookie words cant express how i feel about her {SHE IS MY QUEEN AMOUND THE PRINCESSES }
she make me feel wonderful and special.
well i could go on there my family but Im thinking positive for the new year.

I would like to wish everyone a very happy and healthy
......................... NEW YEAR...................................................

BEAR

 

[tonitits]

Re: 2003 is going to be the turning point..

Of my life. In May of this year I was in the hospital for two weeks with an infection in my legs. I am still out of work from it. This has been the second time I had it, first time was March of 2001 and was in the hospital for three weeks then.. Come the begining of 2003 I will be having a stomack by pass for the health reasons I been having. My family is a little scare of me doing it, but if I don't worst things could happen.

Then in December, pnumonia to fight.....getting better with that.

There are good things:

My daughter who I am very proud of graduate's college this coming spring.

My brother's daughter gave birth to a set of twin boys.

I am very thankful for my family and friends.

My husband and daughter for being there for me, with everything I have been threw.

1sexylady and I have been friends for 16 yrs........more of a real sister

For Literotica for being me so many dear friends........my other bestest friend who I met here........Prettygrneyes.......&.........Peppermint_Barbi

Jacqline as a sister to me.

So for me coming to Lit a year ago I have been blessed over and over again.

Please forgive me my other dearest friends for not putting your names down........I love you all very much.........but the list will go on and on.

Special hug to you Angel ((((((((((((((((Angel))))))))))))))))))

I hope that the surgery goes well and that all the health problems will be a thing of the past. I wish for you only the best, health, love and anything that you might want/need.

 

[tonitits]

well how do i start i came to lit in june of 2002 actually earlier i use to just read the stories so one day i came into the board and posted the first poem i ever wrote and wa s told some thing which helped me . but the reason i start ed going into chat was to talk to people and it was nice to actually have people talk to you, soi became known because i would go from room to room at first and i would say hi to everyone that would coem in and to the ladys i would give hugs or hugs and kisses ten i went into stories and authors and the incouraged me to write something so i did then i posted it . well now i have 42 submission on my own and one with cookie we are writing a story together.
i have met alot of wonderful and beautiful people and i charish everyone i meet and they have treated me so special aand make me feel good .
well in the end of sept beginning of oct i had some test done for stomach bypass surgery well they didnt turn out as well as expected my heart function is only about 50 to 60 % my lung function is 40 % still waiting on a couple more tests to be done before they well tell me if they well do the surgery on me but a couple drs thing it well help alittle but not much, but they are hoping that it well be enough to do more tests on my heart.
i have struggled with infection of my legs and other assoc. problems , but i have remained strong through it all.
then some one decided to get into my real life and told my real life gf about be chatting with other ladies which she knew iwas doing but they made it sound worse then what it is, enough about that,
i have been blessed to have made so meny wonderful friend Rosy, angelofsex, goldeneyes ,bluedaisy, dream, jacqline,tonitits,
1sexylady, studdog , ozme, mstrskey, voyagers dream, cordilia.jayhawk girl,sultry sire,meow,cherilynn,lynn,magan, cj, churchydom,the temptress, sungoingdown , wildwings, angeline
i could go on forever they all are special to me and my friend if i didnt mention you know u are in my heart, but the best and most special friend and lover is my cookie words cant express how i feel about her {SHE IS MY QUEEN AMOUND THE PRINCESSES }
she make me feel wonderful and special.
well i could go on there my family but Im thinking positive for the new year.

I would like to wish everyone a very happy and healthy
......................... NEW YEAR...................................................

BEAR

Oh Bear! You sweet man, I hope that you are able to have the needed surgery. And I hope that you will be able to get healthy and enjoy the coming year without worrying about health problems. I wish for you only the best my friend. Take care of yourself. hugs and kisses,

 

[biggbear8]

THX YOU TONITITS IT IS AN HONOR KNOWING YOU AND BECOMING FIRENDS IT IS PEOPLE AS YOUSELF AND OTHERS THAT MAKES IT WORTHWHILE TO COMEINTO LIT.

I WISH YOU A HAPPY HEALTHY SAFE NEW YEAR
AND I HOPE THAT U FIND THE HAPPINESS THAT YOU SEEK


HUGS AND KISSES LOVE
BEAR

 

[Angelofsex]

Re: Re: 2003 is going to be the turning point..

Special hug to you Angel ((((((((((((((((Angel))))))))))))))))))

I hope that the surgery goes well and that all the health problems will be a thing of the past. I wish for you only the best, health, love and anything that you might want/need.

Tonitits thank you sweetheart....you and AA are among my friends I hold dear to my heart......My heart goes out to you because of the lost you went thru with Mom....she is still with you watching over you and your son, remember that.

Hugs n Kisses

Angel

 

[carrie-on]

Huggggggg LB! What a great idea for this thread...I remember last year's that BD started,sweet man that he is!
2002...whew what a year! It has had its ups and downs.
In May,my youngest daughter graduated from high school,salutatorian of her class.Yayyyyyy Meg!
In early June,my hubby and son in law were in an accident,Thank Goddess that neither was hurt.
In July,my oldest daughter got away from an abusive asshole and moved closer to me. Now I can see her and her two beautiful kids more often.
In August,my hubby's father died.This has been tough on all of us,because he was a great guy! My Dad died when I was 17,so he has been the father figure in my life ever since.
In October,I found out I will be a Gramma for the 4th time. This is really good news. I also had to have Gall Bladder surgery.
In November...my Mother passed away after a long illness. She and I have always been close so this has been really hard for me. I still haven't really cried,though. She was in a lot of pain and it has been a blessing that she isn't hurting anymore. I imagine it will hit me eventually.
I sure hope that 2003 will be much better!

 

[enjoyingitall]

Hi LB..great idea for a thread....Reflection at this time of year is always good for the spirit I think.

2002 was a good year in my corner of the world. I honestly can't think of anything to lament over. I count my blessings each day for that.

My oldest son just graduated from college in Dec so it was a banner year in that way.

My family is healthy and surrounds me with love each day.

I came to lit back in March and have made some wonderful friends here. My life has been enriched because of some of the great people here.

If there is just one thing that I would hold onto for a lasting memory of 2002, it would be that I became more and more cognizant of the blessings of my life. I don't take good fortune or special people for granted. This year has served to remind me of must how great life can be.

I wish you well in the new year.

 

[oz_akasha]

Hi Beautiful One, LB

2002 for me has been a year of downs & plenty of ups........
the ups are still coming........

My Ups & Downs

admiting to myself that i was in a marriage that did not fulfil me & really bored me. After admiting taking the steps to walk away from this marriage to join my soulmate, the one person that accepts me for the person that I am.

I finally understand my mother, she has always told my sisters & myself that when you love someone you become one, a family & that this family comes before anything or else in your life.

Ozraven & I have a wonderful life together, we are engaged, some would say that I am crazy as this will be my 3rd marriage but this one is for keeps......

My downs, there have been a few & these have made me a better person....

Hurting people that I love or have loved..............

The loss of a very close & special friendship because she could not except the decision that I had made for my life........

I beleive this year, for me, has been one of discovering the real ME & learning what true love is........

I am looking forward to 2003 & can't wait for what it will bring me.......

Happy New year to everyone

 

[tonitits]

Huggggggg LB! What a great idea for this thread...I remember last year's that BD started,sweet man that he is!
2002...whew what a year! It has had its ups and downs.
In May,my youngest daughter graduated from high school,salutatorian of her class.Yayyyyyy Meg!
In early June,my hubby and son in law were in an accident,Thank Goddess that neither was hurt.
In July,my oldest daughter got away from an abusive asshole and moved closer to me. Now I can see her and her two beautiful kids more often.
In August,my hubby's father died.This has been tough on all of us,because he was a great guy! My Dad died when I was 17,so he has been the father figure in my life ever since.
In October,I found out I will be a Gramma for the 4th time. This is really good news. I also had to have Gall Bladder surgery.
In November...my Mother passed away after a long illness. She and I have always been close so this has been really hard for me. I still haven't really cried,though. She was in a lot of pain and it has been a blessing that she isn't hurting anymore. I imagine it will hit me eventually.
I sure hope that 2003 will be much better!

Carrie my mom died Oct 25 and it was all of the sudden, just out of the blue. I talked to her the night before and she said that she would talk to me tomorrow when she got home. I went to work and came home and then got the call. We were very close also. But like you I have not really cried yet. It is weird. I figured it would come Christmas, because she so loved Christmas and it was all about her. But it has not happened yet. But like you I am sure that it will. I wish you much happiness and good health in the coming year. And congratulations on the new grandbaby!

 

[Golden Eyes]

I dont know where to start. I came to Lit in February of this year. I had never been to an erotic chat in my life. I was so nervous when I first came here. Everyone made me feel so at home, everyone was so nice to me. I have also made very good friends here, male and female. We keep in touch via email as well. I have a few very special friends here in chat that ha ve been with me through rough times in my life. Right now I am going through cancer, tests, blood work e tc. I couldnt make it through all of this without my family, friends here at lit. I thank all of you that have been with me during this difficult time now. I wish the best of health, joy, happiness for all of you for the New Year.

Love
GE

 

[Bandit58]

oz_akasha

It sounds like you and I have had a similar year. I too got out of a marriage and found my soulmate......even though we're not living together yet I feel so complete when we meet up. If we do marry it will be his third and my second.........we're both in our mid 40s so we have a lot of good years left

I beleive this year, for me, has been one of discovering the real ME & learning what true love is........

That's it for me too

 

[oz_akasha]

oz_akasha

It sounds like you and I have had a similar year. I too got out of a marriage and found my soulmate......even though we're not living together yet I feel so complete when we meet up. If we do marry it will be his third and my second.........we're both in our mid 40s so we have a lot of good years left



That's it for me too

It sounds very similar Bandit58 & I hope you are as happy as I am.......

You have plently of years ahead of you both.................

Enjoy & be true to yourself.................

I know I will be.......

 

[alwaysawake]

Hiya LB--my dear friend--echoing the sentiments of everybody else here...great idea for a thread.

The Upside of 2002 is that I have so many dear friends on Lit who mean a great deal to me and no words that I type can express my gratitude sufficiently.

Having never been married, I believe I have finally found my soulmate...and SHE knows who she is! Now we just need to meet in person to see for sure if it is the real deal.

Did lots of travel throughout Oregon and Washington...getting to experience our majestic scenery in person. The mountains, lakes, rivers, LOTS of waterfalls, and desert (yes, Oregon is 2/3 desert) have beauties all their own.

Had a great year for gardening--flowers were gorgeous and the garden brimmed with fruits and veggies. (Had raspberries until the first frost in November!)

One the Downside, lost a close friend to cancer last month (she was who I took to my High School prom); had surgery on my arm for a cancerous growth and went thru chemo--ICK!--this summer and have recovered.

Job situation is shaky with the state government budget shortfalls but am hopeful of finding something suitable soon. Working as a consultant and doing seminars in the meantime.

My Lucy dog passed away from kidney failure after many years of being with me (found her as a pup, nearly starved and dumped in the rural countryside--saved her and she was very speical to me!)...I still miss her and her unconditional love.

I have accidentally (unintentionally) hurt a couple of people here on Lit...it is NOT my style and makes me sad.

That's pretty much it...Thanks everyone for putting up with me last year. AA

 

[Mysticcal]

Thank you for the thread LB....as I sit here tonite, thinking over the past year, it seems so appropriate to put some of it down in words. As I see for many, it was an up and down year for me as well. Mainly a year of growth and discovery.

Started in January recovering from back surgery and the next couple months getting past that and off all the pain killers and medications I was on. That was a major accomplishment and one I am truly proud of.

That process lead me to meeting a wonderful woman that has become a friend, mentor, teacher and so important in my life. She has helped me to grow, expand, truly look at myself for the first time and find peace and happiness and love within me. It has also been a spiritual journey, something I had avoided my whole life. Learning to accept myself, both the things I need to work on and the things that are good about me. It has been a tough, but wonderfully rewarding journey.

This journey helped me to finally end a somewhat destructive long-distance relationship that had been going on almost 5 years. That was difficult and painful, but for the first time in way too many years, I am single, and I find that the freedom of that is quite enjoyable. I am making new friends and having fun. Coming to Lit a few months ago has also helped with that. I truly treasure the friendships I have made here.

I also recently ended a friendship with my best friend. Was very painful to find out she had betrayed my trust over and over again, but better to know and move on. Still find myself wanting to call her and share all that is happening, and the void is very noticeable, especially around the holidays, she was family to me.

I am thankful for all that came my way this year, for all that I made happen. Thanks for those that have come into my life. I wish everyone happiness, love and peace in the upcoming year.

 

[Ladybird]

....I also recently ended a friendship with my best friend. Was very painful to find out she had betrayed my trust over and over again, but better to know and move on. Still find myself wanting to call her and share all that is happening, and the void is very noticeable, especially around the holidays, she was family to me.

Mysticcal, I understand your feelings about ending the friendship. A few years ago, I did something similar. I had a girlfriend who was more than a sister to me. For the first time in my life, I had a friend that I could talk to about anything. She always understood, and never judged. She was like a best friend soulmate.

So you can understand the pain when I found her in bed with my husband.

But you know, I still miss the closeness that we shared, and often wish that i could phone her up and chat. I think because the friendship that we shared was so special, part of me doesn't want to let it go.

 

[Ladybird]

Reading back over the posts here, I see the word 'growth' used a lot, and where ever it is, it shows a person moving on, and not stagnating.

To everyone who has posted here, and to those who are still to post, my congratulations on a tough job. Looking back with honestly isn't an easy thing to do, but you have done it, and it's an indication of the inner strength that you posess.

Some of us have already celebrated New Years, while others are about to.

Where ever you are, I'd like to wish you all a very Happy New Years, and a year ahead that exceeds your expectations.

Sharon

http://www.hellasmultimedia.com/webimages/newyear/images/ny2-hny7.gif

 

[H'venlee]

2002

Ick...do I really want to go over this past year again.


Well...I guess it cannot hurt.

This year wasn't as bad as some of the past ones. No one close to me died & I am still here, and still married, so I guess it has been a good year that way.

I love my husband....always have....always will. But with Lit I have learned about other types of love, about lust, and about sex.

I came to Lit 2 years ago...just to read the stories. In March of this year, I stumbled into chat. I was amazed by the people I met & the feelings I could feel. (Side note, hubby & I were having big problems at this time...) I met a wonderful man. We chatted then phoned. He listened to me, and brought things out in me that I hadn't felt in a long time. He also made me notice that I still loved my husband...but I really did not like him or myself. So I ran away...and spent a weekend just finding myself again with this man. And when I left, I was a better person for it. I still talk with him, and my marriage has grown better for the time I was away.

From this, my hubby & I opened up our marriage. We found out I needed more than what he could give me, and that this was not at all a bad thing. I chatted with men online...and then I was guided into the boards by HeavyStick. Oh....if he only knew what he was doing when he opened that can of worms.

I found my notch in the Midwest thread, making many new friends and finding more and more about myself. I got to meet some people, face to face... and online friendships turned to r/l ones. These are some of the best friends I have had. I can be open about things, and they do not look down on me.

I have fallen in love, and gotten hurt. He knows who he is...and I struggle with this so much.

Then I met Mike and even though we are too far apart, I feel my heart is with him.

I am honest with my husband, and with myself.

I suffer from clinical depression, and some days this place helps, and some days it hurts. But I would not give up the friends I have here, for they are what help me stay sane in this cruel world. I love them all.

Love- It has so many meanings...but means so much to me.

I am happy I survived 2002...and look forward to being able to say the same about the new year.

 

[JennyOmanHill]

Looking for those jeans!

Hiya LB--my dear friend--echoing the sentiments of everybody else here...great idea for a thread.

The Upside of 2002 is that I have so many dear friends on Lit who mean a great deal to me and no words that I type can express my gratitude sufficiently.

Having never been married, I believe I have finally found my soulmate...and SHE knows who she is! Now we just need to meet in person to see for sure if it is the real deal.

...

My Lucy dog passed away from kidney failure after many years of being with me (found her as a pup, nearly starved and dumped in the rural countryside--saved her and she was very speical to me!)...I still miss her and her unconditional love.

I have accidentally (unintentionally) hurt a couple of people here on Lit...it is NOT my style and makes me sad.

That's pretty much it...Thanks everyone for putting up with me last year. AA

Dearest AA

I truly hope you and your soulmate get to meet and connect in 2003!

I'm not an expert, but I feel I know you are a truly wonderful man! So sweet, and affectionate, and caring, etc!!!!

I know how hard it is to lose a companion; it's been 3 years since my Muffie passed on (she was 13 and had cancer), but I really feel they stay with us! The kitten we have now must have had Muffie lessons; it's scary how much he acts like she did!!

You are one of my favoriate LIT personalities! I hope your new year brings joy and happiness!!

 

[sortacurious]

I find myself as I always do on this particular night of the year reflecting and seeing this thread along with a few glasses of wine (courage) I thought I'd see what it all looked like in writing.

But in order for me to truly reflect, I would have to start two years ago. In Feb. 2001, my grandfather suddenly past away. He was without a doubt, the patriarch of that side of my family. I still feel this loss more than I had expected. But I was able to take care of him for a few days prior to his passing, and during a panic attacked, he suddenly become calm, swaying back and forth as I held him on his feet, and he told me he loved me the one and only time in my life. I will never forget that moment.

In July 2001, my grandmother (maternal) had a heart attack. This woman did the majority of raising me. She was flown out of town to have open heart sugery. I drove to be there, and stayed for two weeks until she could be brought home. I was unable to make arrangements for her to be taken care of during the day quick enough, so I lost my job.

I had never in my life been fired. This was a huge blow to my self-esteem. I had worked so hard, and counseling sexual abuse victims as well as doing prevention education with children was the most rewarding thing I'd ever done. I loved my work, as difficult as it was.

I continued to stay with my grandma for two months until she could be left alone again. The weekend I returned home, my brother (who I raised) was rushed to the hospital in a coma-like state. He had been starving himself, in my absence, was severely dehydrated and was trying to die without actually committing suicide. He also had tried to shoot himself, writing on the bedroom walls and the stock of the rifle that the neighbor had done it. He didn't want me to know that he had done it to himself. He was sent away to a mental facility once he was revived and out of the danger zone. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia. He had been self-medicating with street drugs for years, and this was his first full-blow episode.

Those incidences overwhelmed me, I shut down emotionally. After seeing to everyone's safety and comfort my entire life, and more intensely than ever during these times, I just couldn't do it anymore. I locked myself in my bedroom, basically until Feb. 2002.

I then got a call almost exactly one year later than my grandfather's passing that his wife, who had been grandma (paternal) all my life had died in her sleep. I rushed to my family, my need to be there for them rushing back to the surface. After the funeral, I again came home. I quit calling friends, I stopped answering the phone, I stopped sleeping more than three hours a night. I became a basketcase. I couldn't look in the mirror, I hated what I saw. I felt that if I slept, or relaxed even for a moment that something would happen to someone I love. I had to stay alert. What I was actually doing was something altogether different. Alert was completely the opposite, I was a zombie.

All the losses, all the trauma I had witnessed in the work I had done, all the memories of my own abuses, all the responsibilities I had taken on of my whole family and friends felt like they were each closing in on me. I couldn't breath, I couldn't cry, I couldn't scream, I couldn't laugh. I saw it happening, I felt it, but I was powerless to stop or prevent it. I needed to release it all, I just didn't know how.

About this time, I discovered the boards here at Lit. I had heard about BB's before, but never quite understood what they were. I lurked and then registered. I posted here and there as I could, and met a wonderful friend, Frank. He saw what was happening, but I pulled away. He got too close too fast. I then began posting with Jewelz and also met another former Lit member. He began to talk to me through the night. We both were insomniacs and I felt so close to him. I don't think I would be were I am now if it wasn't for those talks. He faded and I also started to get to know another Lit member, who became my friend to the end. Knightstalker. He is rarely here now, but when I do hear from him, it warms my heart.

Through it all, my brother has gone back and forth, with drugs and not taking his medication. That has been a constant struggle that actually helped pull me out of my funk. I had to be strong, because he needed me like I'd never been needed before.

I continued meeting friends through Lit. and my love and friendship with Jewelz continued to grow. I also re-established contact with Frank who accepted me still as a friend, and that friendship has meant the world to me. So many people have blessed my life here, and so many more have helped me to explore my sexuality. I'm so grateful for them all.

I still struggle with insomnia, and once again my brother is home with me and recovering from another episode. My grandmother has not recovered well from her surgery and is fading away rapidly before my eyes. I haven't been able to find another job, although I thought I had found a good one.

And after almost 11 years in a relationship, I've realized that I can't pretend to be happy, not even to prevent the hurt of others. This has taken a lot of strength, I realize now that by pretending I was taking the easy way. The one that would please everyone but me. I don't want to live this shell of a life any longer.

Although I've had good friends here at Lit as well as at home, I haven't been able to talk about things as they occur. I pull away still, something I'm working on and getting much better about. I've realized that I take the responsibility of other peoples actions onto myself. And I've come to realize that I'm probably co-dependant in a big way. During all this time of no sleep, I've taken the time to look long and hard at who and where I am. I now know what I love about me, and what I don't. I also know that I was in denial about my relationship. As hard as it is to admit, it's abusive, physically and emotionally. I also thought I was more aware, and more educated in this stuff, that I'd never allow this to happen. But it snuck up on me in my state of mind.

A few months ago, I decided to further explore my sexuality. I started a picture thread. I knew from past experience that I have a exhibitionist side to me, and I wanted to feel that thrill again. And thrilling it has been, but for reasons I wasn't close being able to foresee. I met a man through that thread. Bubman, has opened up a whole new world for me. He has shown me in a short period of time, not only online but in person a love that I've never known or felt before. I love that I've always in my secret heart of hearts dreamed of. Everything looks brighter, clearer, and exciting. I sleep now so much more than I have in almost two years. I've relaxed. It's all come together and is finally making sense. Opportunities to make dreams a reality keep opening up for me.

The last two years have been hell, but the peace I feel with it all today was so worth each and every moment.

So while I decided to not end this year with any big celebration, because I'm so glad it's finally over...I do want to treasure this first day of 2003 as the first day of many, many wonderful tomorrows. For the first time in so long, not only do I see the light at the end, but I feel the warmth of it's rays and I'm reveling in it.