A time to reflect

[JennyOmanHill]

HUGS ((((((((((((((sorta))))))))))))))))))

 

[Ladybird]

So while I decided to not end this year with any big celebration, because I'm so glad it's finally over...I do want to treasure this first day of 2003 as the first day of many, many wonderful tomorrows. For the first time in so long, not only do I see the light at the end, but I feel the warmth of it's rays and I'm reveling in it.

Sortacurious, I feel the need to say something, but I'm not sure what.

Sweet, you have had a very trying two years, and you put many of us to shame with the courage you have shown.

I miss Knightstalker, he's a lovely man and it doesn't surprise me at all that he helped you so much. Frank is a real sweetie too.. and I can't help but recall the old adage... birds of a feather flock together. Just by the company you keep here, I know what a lovely person you are.

But as you say, it's all in the past, and it's the future that we should be concentrating on. And it's going to be a bright and happy one for you, I'm sure.

Because I'm in Australia, I'm probably awake when you should be asleep. If you're not, and you need someone to talk to.. PM me, please.

 

[omahaman2]

Sorta,my friend.
you know how I feel about you
We dont need words


When you're down and troubled
and you need a helping hand
and nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
and soon I will be there
to brighten up even your darkest nights.

You just call out my name,
and you know whereever I am
I'll come running, oh yeah baby
to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
all you have to do is call
and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got a friend.

If the sky above you
should turn dark and full of clouds
and that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
and soon I will be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
all you got to do is call
and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend?
People can be so cold.
They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.

You just call out my name and you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Oh babe, don't you know that,
Winter spring summer or fall,
Hey now, all you've got to do is call.
Lord, I'll be there, yes I will.
You've got a friend.
You've got a friend
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
You've got a friend.

p.s. thanks BUB

 

[tonitits]

I find myself as I always do on this particular night of the year reflecting and seeing this thread along with a few glasses of wine (courage) I thought I'd see what it all looked like in writing.

But in order for me to truly reflect, I would have to start two years ago. In Feb. 2001, my grandfather suddenly past away. He was without a doubt, the patriarch of that side of my family. I still feel this loss more than I had expected. But I was able to take care of him for a few days prior to his passing, and during a panic attacked, he suddenly become calm, swaying back and forth as I held him on his feet, and he told me he loved me the one and only time in my life. I will never forget that moment.

In July 2001, my grandmother (maternal) had a heart attack. This woman did the majority of raising me. She was flown out of town to have open heart sugery. I drove to be there, and stayed for two weeks until she could be brought home. I was unable to make arrangements for her to be taken care of during the day quick enough, so I lost my job.

I had never in my life been fired. This was a huge blow to my self-esteem. I had worked so hard, and counseling sexual abuse victims as well as doing prevention education with children was the most rewarding thing I'd ever done. I loved my work, as difficult as it was.

I continued to stay with my grandma for two months until she could be left alone again. The weekend I returned home, my brother (who I raised) was rushed to the hospital in a coma-like state. He had been starving himself, in my absence, was severely dehydrated and was trying to die without actually committing suicide. He also had tried to shoot himself, writing on the bedroom walls and the stock of the rifle that the neighbor had done it. He didn't want me to know that he had done it to himself. He was sent away to a mental facility once he was revived and out of the danger zone. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia. He had been self-medicating with street drugs for years, and this was his first full-blow episode.

Those incidences overwhelmed me, I shut down emotionally. After seeing to everyone's safety and comfort my entire life, and more intensely than ever during these times, I just couldn't do it anymore. I locked myself in my bedroom, basically until Feb. 2002.

I then got a call almost exactly one year later than my grandfather's passing that his wife, who had been grandma (paternal) all my life had died in her sleep. I rushed to my family, my need to be there for them rushing back to the surface. After the funeral, I again came home. I quit calling friends, I stopped answering the phone, I stopped sleeping more than three hours a night. I became a basketcase. I couldn't look in the mirror, I hated what I saw. I felt that if I slept, or relaxed even for a moment that something would happen to someone I love. I had to stay alert. What I was actually doing was something altogether different. Alert was completely the opposite, I was a zombie.

All the losses, all the trauma I had witnessed in the work I had done, all the memories of my own abuses, all the responsibilities I had taken on of my whole family and friends felt like they were each closing in on me. I couldn't breath, I couldn't cry, I couldn't scream, I couldn't laugh. I saw it happening, I felt it, but I was powerless to stop or prevent it. I needed to release it all, I just didn't know how.

About this time, I discovered the boards here at Lit. I had heard about BB's before, but never quite understood what they were. I lurked and then registered. I posted here and there as I could, and met a wonderful friend, Frank. He saw what was happening, but I pulled away. He got too close too fast. I then began posting with Jewelz and also met another former Lit member. He began to talk to me through the night. We both were insomniacs and I felt so close to him. I don't think I would be were I am now if it wasn't for those talks. He faded and I also started to get to know another Lit member, who became my friend to the end. Knightstalker. He is rarely here now, but when I do hear from him, it warms my heart.

Through it all, my brother has gone back and forth, with drugs and not taking his medication. That has been a constant struggle that actually helped pull me out of my funk. I had to be strong, because he needed me like I'd never been needed before.

I continued meeting friends through Lit. and my love and friendship with Jewelz continued to grow. I also re-established contact with Frank who accepted me still as a friend, and that friendship has meant the world to me. So many people have blessed my life here, and so many more have helped me to explore my sexuality. I'm so grateful for them all.

I still struggle with insomnia, and once again my brother is home with me and recovering from another episode. My grandmother has not recovered well from her surgery and is fading away rapidly before my eyes. I haven't been able to find another job, although I thought I had found a good one.

And after almost 11 years in a relationship, I've realized that I can't pretend to be happy, not even to prevent the hurt of others. This has taken a lot of strength, I realize now that by pretending I was taking the easy way. The one that would please everyone but me. I don't want to live this shell of a life any longer.

Although I've had good friends here at Lit as well as at home, I haven't been able to talk about things as they occur. I pull away still, something I'm working on and getting much better about. I've realized that I take the responsibility of other peoples actions onto myself. And I've come to realize that I'm probably co-dependant in a big way. During all this time of no sleep, I've taken the time to look long and hard at who and where I am. I now know what I love about me, and what I don't. I also know that I was in denial about my relationship. As hard as it is to admit, it's abusive, physically and emotionally. I also thought I was more aware, and more educated in this stuff, that I'd never allow this to happen. But it snuck up on me in my state of mind.

A few months ago, I decided to further explore my sexuality. I started a picture thread. I knew from past experience that I have a exhibitionist side to me, and I wanted to feel that thrill again. And thrilling it has been, but for reasons I wasn't close being able to foresee. I met a man through that thread. Bubman, has opened up a whole new world for me. He has shown me in a short period of time, not only online but in person a love that I've never known or felt before. I love that I've always in my secret heart of hearts dreamed of. Everything looks brighter, clearer, and exciting. I sleep now so much more than I have in almost two years. I've relaxed. It's all come together and is finally making sense. Opportunities to make dreams a reality keep opening up for me.

The last two years have been hell, but the peace I feel with it all today was so worth each and every moment.

So while I decided to not end this year with any big celebration, because I'm so glad it's finally over...I do want to treasure this first day of 2003 as the first day of many, many wonderful tomorrows. For the first time in so long, not only do I see the light at the end, but I feel the warmth of it's rays and I'm reveling in it.

Oh Sorta, I am so sorry for all you have been through. I know how hard it can be when you are taking care of someone, even for a very short time and you have had to do so for so long. But please take time for yourself also, you have to. I wish you only the best and hope that you find peace and true happiness and love this year. And when times get tough turn to your friends here. That's what friends are for. I know I used to always turn inward and keep everything to myself also, but try not to do that. I know that it is difficult at times, but share and don't keep it bottled up. If you ever need an ear to listen or shoulder to cry on...just let me know. Good luck in the coming year!

 

[Mysticcal]

Mysticcal, I understand your feelings about ending the friendship. A few years ago, I did something similar. I had a girlfriend who was more than a sister to me. For the first time in my life, I had a friend that I could talk to about anything. She always understood, and never judged. She was like a best friend soulmate.

So you can understand the pain when I found her in bed with my husband.

But you know, I still miss the closeness that we shared, and often wish that i could phone her up and chat. I think because the friendship that we shared was so special, part of me doesn't want to let it go.

LB- thanks for your response, that sums up how I have been feeling so perfectly and I did not have the words for it. She was a sister to me, and I don't want to let it go either. Have you made another friend like that since her?

I also feel so hesitant to reach out to another woman friend now. I have made some new friends lately, but keep pulling back a bit, afraid to take another chance. LOL oh well, something else to work on this year.