MasterofUnlocking
Virgin
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2012
- Posts
- 3
So this is my first full story in awhile and I'd like some input and maybe some help editing and fixing somethings. I'll post the first chapter for you.
Chapter one:
It was the middle of the night in a small, quiet and obscure town. The sky was dark with that tinge of blue when the moon is nowhere in sight but has spread it's light far enough that you can see it. Talbern stood in the back yard of his rather small and bare bones house. The only thing one could stretch to say was a luxury about the house was a porch in the back. Mind you it was a small one with no fence or rails or anything. Just a wooden platform preventing you from touching the grass. The house itself was a dull grey especially being covered in the dark of the quiet night. Overall not very impressive, but not quite a dump either.
Talbern was doing what he usually did at night, reflecting. On himself, society, love. You know the type, the philosophical loner. Not that he was without humour. You see Talbern fancied himself a cynic. Once an idealist, but that was shattered when he saw the world and how corrupt and evil it can be. Talbern hated the world. But he always maintained a sense of humour and held on to his own personal ideals. Because of this Talbern had always felt separate from the world and society.
When he was a child he would try to make friend's with the other kids, but inevitably he would encounter something he thought was unfair or unjust. He was never one to let evil go unpunished having grown up on Power Ranger's and Batman cartoons and so the other children pushed him away. He was often isolated because of his anger and his somewhat over energetic attitude. He would get a little too rough when playing soccer or dodgeball or hockey. He wasn't trying to be mean, but he was passionate and energetic. Often manifesting as competitiveness.
Talbern had few social connections. He was close with his family but rarely saw them, because of his tendency toward isolation. But that was how he liked it. He didn't get along with most people because of his sense of humour and his introspective nature. Most people thought he was being rude by not making conversation or by making a snide remark about some celebrity divorce story. But he was actually just the type to prefer thoughtful and interesting conversation. If that wasn't on the table he preferred to be left to think on his own.
Talbern was recently fired because of an outburst he had at his janitorial position at the local 7/11. His boss accused him of not cleaning the bathrooms correctly, having missed a spot on the wall. At first Talbern just let it go, but his boss was eager to fight him on it. A shouting match ensued witch always sent Talbern into a black out rage! He had gotten better control over the years and so was able to keep his cool just enough to walk out before anything violent happened.
Without a job and without any backup plan all he could say was "Shit."
This is just the first chapter of a probably 6-8 chapter story. I may depending on the feedback I get change a few things. So again please let me know what you think, and thank you in advance!
Chapter one:
It was the middle of the night in a small, quiet and obscure town. The sky was dark with that tinge of blue when the moon is nowhere in sight but has spread it's light far enough that you can see it. Talbern stood in the back yard of his rather small and bare bones house. The only thing one could stretch to say was a luxury about the house was a porch in the back. Mind you it was a small one with no fence or rails or anything. Just a wooden platform preventing you from touching the grass. The house itself was a dull grey especially being covered in the dark of the quiet night. Overall not very impressive, but not quite a dump either.
Talbern was doing what he usually did at night, reflecting. On himself, society, love. You know the type, the philosophical loner. Not that he was without humour. You see Talbern fancied himself a cynic. Once an idealist, but that was shattered when he saw the world and how corrupt and evil it can be. Talbern hated the world. But he always maintained a sense of humour and held on to his own personal ideals. Because of this Talbern had always felt separate from the world and society.
When he was a child he would try to make friend's with the other kids, but inevitably he would encounter something he thought was unfair or unjust. He was never one to let evil go unpunished having grown up on Power Ranger's and Batman cartoons and so the other children pushed him away. He was often isolated because of his anger and his somewhat over energetic attitude. He would get a little too rough when playing soccer or dodgeball or hockey. He wasn't trying to be mean, but he was passionate and energetic. Often manifesting as competitiveness.
Talbern had few social connections. He was close with his family but rarely saw them, because of his tendency toward isolation. But that was how he liked it. He didn't get along with most people because of his sense of humour and his introspective nature. Most people thought he was being rude by not making conversation or by making a snide remark about some celebrity divorce story. But he was actually just the type to prefer thoughtful and interesting conversation. If that wasn't on the table he preferred to be left to think on his own.
Talbern was recently fired because of an outburst he had at his janitorial position at the local 7/11. His boss accused him of not cleaning the bathrooms correctly, having missed a spot on the wall. At first Talbern just let it go, but his boss was eager to fight him on it. A shouting match ensued witch always sent Talbern into a black out rage! He had gotten better control over the years and so was able to keep his cool just enough to walk out before anything violent happened.
Without a job and without any backup plan all he could say was "Shit."
This is just the first chapter of a probably 6-8 chapter story. I may depending on the feedback I get change a few things. So again please let me know what you think, and thank you in advance!
