A technical question

[soflabbwlvr]

How do you show only one side of a telephone conversation?

I am finishing a story in which one character is sitting in an office while another character is talking on the telephone. She can only hear one side of the conversation. What is the proper format?

Thank you

 

[sr71plt]

Just separate paragraphs for each one-sided response. Of course, you need to include enough either in the quote or the slug to provide an understanding of what was said on the other side--at least of what you want to be understood.

"Hi, Candy. It's Dave."

"No, I didn't get to the flower shop today."

"Yes, I'll get there before your birthday."

"No, I won't get roses. I know you don't like them."

 

[AsylumSeeker]

Just separate paragraphs for each one-sided response. Of course, you need to include enough either in the quote or the slug to provide an understanding of what was said on the other side--at least of what you want to be understood.

"Hi, Candy. It's Dave."

"No, I didn't get to the flower shop today."

"Yes, I'll get there before your birthday."

"No, I won't get roses. I know you don't like them."

Could it also be written like this? Just wondering, I have edited stories when it was presented like below and I didn't suggest any changes. In my example someone is listening to another talking on the phone.

"Hi, Candy. It's Dave... No, I didn't get to the flower shop today... Yes, I'll get there before your birthday...No, I won't get roses. I know you don't like them."

 

[_Lynn_]

Could it also be written like this? Just wondering, I have edited stories when it was presented like below and I didn't suggest any changes. In my example someone is listening to another talking on the phone.

"Hi, Candy. It's Dave... No, I didn't get to the flower shop today... Yes, I'll get there before your birthday...No, I won't get roses. I know you don't like them."

I wouldn't do it that way. One major thing for me is that using the ellipsis so much detracts from the wording. Even though I don't know the publishing guidelines for this, the example you gave looks wrong.

 

[PennLady]

Could it also be written like this? Just wondering, I have edited stories when it was presented like below and I didn't suggest any changes. In my example someone is listening to another talking on the phone.

"Hi, Candy. It's Dave... No, I didn't get to the flower shop today... Yes, I'll get there before your birthday...No, I won't get roses. I know you don't like them."

I've done a few one-sided conversations that were just sentences.

"Hi, Chris, it's me. I'm fine, thanks. No, I just wanted to touch base. Need anything? Okay, bye."

I did one in The Hunted Key that was two sided, and then my editor wanted it changed to one side and I can't remember if I used ellipses or not. I think ellipses are okay for a short one. But I wouldn't separate each statement onto its own line with its own quotes; I think the reader could easily mistake that for two people talking.

 

[_Lynn_]

I've done a few one-sided conversations that were just sentences.

"Hi, Chris, it's me. I'm fine, thanks. No, I just wanted to touch base. Need anything? Okay, bye."

I did one in The Hunted Key that was two sided, and then my editor wanted it changed to one side and I can't remember if I used ellipses or not. I think ellipses are okay for a short one. But I wouldn't separate each statement onto its own line with its own quotes; I think the reader could easily mistake that for two people talking.

I guess I assumed the previous text mentioned a telephone call. And I know I should not assume.

For example, a sentence that tells the reader the character punched in a number, or checked the caller ID before answering, or even that the ringing interrupted the character's exercise routine could help. Adding lines between the dialogue might work too. Maybe the character is impatient and taps his/her toes, or plays with a strand of hair while listening to the other person.

 

[sr71plt]

Could it also be written like this? Just wondering, I have edited stories when it was presented like below and I didn't suggest any changes. In my example someone is listening to another talking on the phone.

"Hi, Candy. It's Dave... No, I didn't get to the flower shop today... Yes, I'll get there before your birthday...No, I won't get roses. I know you don't like them."

Yes, it can be written that way, if you want. If for publication, though, remember that publisher's ellipses aren't the same as the computer gives you, plus, in the example you give, you need to provide end punctuation as well as an ellipsis.

"Hi, Candy, It's Dave. . . . No, I didn't--"

 

[Naughty_Misty]

How important is the conversation to the overall flow of the story/plot?
Damn, editing this post accidentally posted before I finished writing out my response.

As I was saying...

How important is this little nugget of conversation to overall flow/plot of the story?

You might consider writing it out something like this -

"Hi, Candy. It's Dave."

Oh gawd, he's talking to HER. The way Candy had Dave so completely under his thumb was slightly nauseating and made XXXX's stomach turn. XXXX rolled his/her eyes as Dave continued his pathetic ass kissing.

"No, I didn't get to the flower shop today."

"Yes, I'll get there before your birthday."

He winced a little at the way Dave's voice whined. She had Dave trained like a sea monkey so of course he would be there.

"No, I won't get roses. I know you don't like them."

The little side commentary of the observer helps to further point out that only one side of the conversation is being heard.

 

[sr71plt]

Did we just have an earthquake, or was that just Ernest H. spinning in his grave?

 

[Great_Brit]

Perhaps both to make it completely clear to the stupidest reader?

"Hi, Candy. It's Dave."

...

"No, I didn't get to the flower shop today."

...

"Yes, I'll get there before your birthday."

...

"No, I won't get roses. I know you don't like them."

 

[sr71plt]

Perhaps both to make it completely clear to the stupidest reader?

"Hi, Candy. It's Dave."

...

"No, I didn't get to the flower shop today."

...

"Yes, I'll get there before your birthday."

...

"No, I won't get roses. I know you don't like them."

I'm sure you could do that here at Lit. If anyone has ever seen that in the world of publishing, though, I'd like to see that cited.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

For once I think that sr is, a bit rudely perhaps, totally correct.

Think of a TV program, one-sided phone conversations are prevalant. The technique works in writing as long as you know whether you want to impart information to the protagonist or develop a relationship.

In first person you have more difficulty.

 

[PennLady]

MistressLynn was on to something and I should have thought of it as well. If you don't want to write the other side of the conversation, descriptive text could help.

"Hi Chris, it's me." Jeff took a breath and hoped she wasn't mad. "No, nothing's wrong. I just wanted to call." He let out a quiet sigh of relief. "I wanted to see if we were still on for Sunday night." He listened and nodded. "Sure, that sounds fine. Talk to you then. Bye."

That separates all of your dialogue and makes it clear who's talking and gives the reader some insight into the character. I think a lot depends on what you want the conversation to do, how important it is over all, and various other things. I guess you could also break that up and put each statement on its own line, but I don't usually do that when the same character is speaking.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

Thank you for your input.

I appreciate the input from everyone who contributed to this discussion.

I am going to use one of the first two ideas, either a series of quotes or a single quote broken by ellipses. The telephone conversation itself is not crucial to the story; it merely sets up the final scene. In the current draft, it looks like this:

Mr. Callahan reached for his phone.

“Colleen? Good, I’m glad you’re still here. I need you to locate Betty, Dick, Lance, and Romeo.”

Elizabeth had never heard any of those names mentioned before.

“I want them in my office in fifteen minutes. ... I know it’s after six thirty. ... Have them turn around and come back, if necessary. ... Yes, this is for an audition.”

Mr. Callahan replaced the telephone on the cradle, then reached for a remote control. A second later a large screen television rose from inside the credenza behind his chair. He turned his chair a few degrees to the left so that he could watch the evening edition of “Sports Center.”

 

[palisa]

MistressLynn was on to something and I should have thought of it as well. If you don't want to write the other side of the conversation, descriptive text could help.

"Hi Chris, it's me." Jeff took a breath and hoped she wasn't mad. "No, nothing's wrong. I just wanted to call." He let out a quiet sigh of relief. "I wanted to see if we were still on for Sunday night." He listened and nodded. "Sure, that sounds fine. Talk to you then. Bye."

That separates all of your dialogue and makes it clear who's talking and gives the reader some insight into the character. I think a lot depends on what you want the conversation to do, how important it is over all, and various other things. I guess you could also break that up and put each statement on its own line, but I don't usually do that when the same character is speaking.

I'm sorry, but I do disagree as much with this as with the separate grafs with dashes. I don't like the latter just because it looks ugly, but your technique seems to trample on the integrity of the story's point of view.

The quote you provided above is written in third-person omniscient or at least third-person subjective in relation to Jeff, because the reader knows what Jeff is hoping (and that his sigh was one of relief). If we know that, we also should know what the other side of the conversation was.

 

[Great_Brit]

I'm sure you could do that here at Lit. If anyone has ever seen that in the world of publishing, though, I'd like to see that cited.

I didn't say it was done this way in the "world of publishing", but I did say:

Perhaps both to make it completely clear to the stupidest reader?

I hope this did not offend anyone else.

QUESTION: Should all comments contain citations of where the suggestion is used?

If so, my apologies. I thought this was a bulletin board, not an academic debating society.

 

[sr71plt]

I didn't say it was done this way in the "world of publishing", but I did say:I hope this did not offend anyone else.

QUESTION: Should all comments contain citations of where the suggestion is used?

If so, my apologies. I thought this was a bulletin board, not an academic debating society.

I wasn't debating--or offended. I was simply stating that this usage would probably be fine on Literotica, but that it shouldn't be considered to be fine in anything anyone would want to publish in the market.

Why is it wrong to make that distinction? What's wrong with an academic answer to a technical quesitons? For some folks posting to Literotica is good enough--and there's no reason why they shouldn't use this method if they think it conveys what they want conveyed. Some, though, want to be putting their stories in the paying market.

I was trying to distinguish between the two venues. When someone asks a style question like this, why shouldn't they be given the "best use" answers?

I could have just said your idea was stupid (because it isn't acceptable in the market). But I didn't.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Going back to what the OP described, I think sr's first comment was the only way to handle it: a series of separate pieces of dialogue.

A co-worker was overhearing a phone conversation so everything would be in quantum pieces with gaps. Think of one-sided phone conversations in a TV program; ellipses don't convey the completeness of each audible remark.

AS, Pennlady, your suggestions create a flow, which is not the scenario here. The impression of eavesdropping has to be created.