A Submissive Dom?

[eroticspank]

Can you be a submissive and role-play as a Dom/Domme for your partner because that turns them on? I understand that some people are a Switch. They can play the dominant or submissive role. However, most people I have known that Switch, have a dominant side to their personality, so it is easier for them to switch roles. I call myself a Switch because I have done both dominant and submissive roles. I do have a dominant side to my personality, but I prefer the submissive role and I wonder if I was just a sub playing the Dom role. For example: As a submissive woman, could you tie up your husband or boyfriend and spank, flog, and tease him for an extended period because it turns him on? If you are the man in this scene would it be in turn-on for you knowing she is doing it for your pleasure not her own? Are there limits for a sub playing the Dom/Domme role?

In my own experience, I did play Dom for several ladies I dated and it was enjoyable because it turned them on that I took control. However, especially with BDSM I felt like I could only go so far.

 

[seela]

Besides Dom and sub, there are terms labels top and bottom. Top is the active one (the one who does the spanking, for example) and bottom is the passive one (the one who gets sparked, for example). Good post on that topic can be find in the stickies.

People who top others to please them, not necessarily because they themselves get off on, say, spanking are called service tops. I think that would be what you’re referring to? Such people very much exist and it’s a completely valid way to play.

Personally I have topped and it can be lots of fun with the right people, even if it’s not really something I “feel the need for”. It takes a lot of energy for me because it doesn’t come naturally to me. If I do top, I prefer it that there is a very clear idea of what’s expected of me in that toppy role.

So yes, it’s definitely possible. And I don’t know what the limit would be. As long as all parties enjoy what’s going on, there’s no need to get too stuck on labels.

I’ve mentioned it before, but one of the most humiliated and submissive I’ve ever felt was with a big domly guy who loved being pegged, which is not really a combo that’s often talked about. He’d critique my performance etc. It was in no way unclear who’s the dom, even if someone looking at just the physical act might have seen things differently.

The real world is a lot more gray scale than what Lit makes it seem like.

 

[Kala777]

Yes I think so.

I'm naturally submissive. Sort of switched occasionally with one ex, very much as you describe.

I didn't get off on his pain or anything like that. It was his reaction. I wanted to cause more of that. So I could happily spank, tease, and penetrate him with toys because he enjoyed it.

I was more playful than he was with me. I'd giggle and be cute about it while holding him down. Don't think I could pull off the proper serious Domme role.

Never wanted to switch before or since. But it worked in that relationship.

 

[eroticspank]

Besides Dom and sub, there are terms labels top and bottom. Top is the active one (the one who does the spanking, for example) and bottom is the passive one (the one who gets sparked, for example). Good post on that topic can be find in the stickies.

People who top others to please them, not necessarily because they themselves get off on, say, spanking are called service tops. I think that would be what you’re referring to? Such people very much exist and it’s a completely valid way to play.

Personally I have topped and it can be lots of fun with the right people, even if it’s not really something I “feel the need for”. It takes a lot of energy for me because it doesn’t come naturally to me. If I do top, I prefer it that there is a very clear idea of what’s expected of me in that toppy role.

So yes, it’s definitely possible. And I don’t know what the limit would be. As long as all parties enjoy what’s going on, there’s no need to get too stuck on labels.

I’ve mentioned it before, but one of the most humiliated and submissive I’ve ever felt was with a big domly guy who loved being pegged, which is not really a combo that’s often talked about. He’d critique my performance etc. It was in no way unclear who’s the dom, even if someone looking at just the physical act might have seen things differently.

The real world is a lot more gray scale than what Lit makes it seem like.

You make some great points and I think the "Top and Bottom" roles are very appropriate here.
ES

 

[Purple_Fronds]

Besides Dom and sub, there are terms labels top and bottom. Top is the active one (the one who does the spanking, for example) and bottom is the passive one (the one who gets sparked, for example). Good post on that topic can be find in the stickies.

People who top others to please them, not necessarily because they themselves get off on, say, spanking are called service tops. I think that would be what you’re referring to? Such people very much exist and it’s a completely valid way to play.

Personally I have topped and it can be lots of fun with the right people, even if it’s not really something I “feel the need for”. It takes a lot of energy for me because it doesn’t come naturally to me. If I do top, I prefer it that there is a very clear idea of what’s expected of me in that toppy role.

So yes, it’s definitely possible. And I don’t know what the limit would be. As long as all parties enjoy what’s going on, there’s no need to get too stuck on labels.

I’ve mentioned it before, but one of the most humiliated and submissive I’ve ever felt was with a big domly guy who loved being pegged, which is not really a combo that’s often talked about. He’d critique my performance etc. It was in no way unclear who’s the dom, even if someone looking at just the physical act might have seen things differently.

The real world is a lot more gray scale than what Lit makes it seem like.

Love this

 

[Purple_Fronds]

Yes I think so.

I'm naturally submissive. Sort of switched occasionally with one ex, very much as you describe.

I didn't get off on his pain or anything like that. It was his reaction. I wanted to cause more of that. So I could happily spank, tease, and penetrate him with toys because he enjoyed it.

I was more playful than he was with me. I'd giggle and be cute about it while holding him down. Don't think I could pull off the proper serious Domme role.

Never wanted to switch before or since. But it worked in that relationship.

I think even the tone can be funny for people, describing your approach as playful sounds wonderful because it’s natural to you. A submissive woman who I was dominating commented on my humor because in her mind a “Dom” would always be stoic, but for me it’s the authenticity that matters. So, yes I’m going to smile and laugh as she struggles to remember how many spanks she needs to thank me for.

 

[eroticspank]

Yes I think so.

I'm naturally submissive. Sort of switched occasionally with one ex, very much as you describe.

I didn't get off on his pain or anything like that. It was his reaction. I wanted to cause more of that. So I could happily spank, tease, and penetrate him with toys because he enjoyed it.

I was more playful than he was with me. I'd giggle and be cute about it while holding him down. Don't think I could pull off the proper serious Domme role.

Never wanted to switch before or since. But it worked in that relationship.

This is a great example. I have talked to some ladies who have done this and I wondered how it worked. You don't have to be serious either, it is all about you being yourself. I think the limitation is that it is not natural for you, so you may not do it enough for your partner. Plus since you are submissive are you getting enough from him to satisfy your submissive desires? Perhaps the best situation is if you are both able to switch or top.
ES

 

[eroticspank]

I think even the tone can be funny for people, describing your approach as playful sounds wonderful because it’s natural to you. A submissive woman who I was dominating commented on my humor because in her mind a “Dom” would always be stoic, but for me it’s the authenticity that matters. So, yes I’m going to smile and laugh as she struggles to remember how many spanks she needs to thank me for.

I agree with this also. Part of my original post was about acting. It seems to me if you can sense your partner is acting and not really enjoying it--or being herself/himself it ruins the scene. I knew a Domme who liked to dress up in the typical Domme clothes as you see in videos etc. But she liked it and enjoyed dressing up, that was who she was. Authenticity is very important.
ES

 

[TrainMe24]

I've switched for my dom. It felt odd at first because it's not our usual roles.

But it makes me better appreciate his role, provides some relief for him, and at the end of the day - I love getting to call the shots and torture him a bit.

I think it just depends on the dynamic of those involved and willingness of both partners.

 

[eroticspank]

I've switched for my dom. It felt odd at first because it's not our usual roles.

But it makes me better appreciate his role, provides some relief for him, and at the end of the day - I love getting to call the shots and torture him a bit.

I think it just depends on the dynamic of those involved and willingness of both partners.

Thanks. And I assume he enjoyed it when you took the Domme role?
ES

 

[eroticspank]

@seela I got a chance to look at the link you provided regarding Tops and Bottoms. Thanks, it is a great discussion.

Regarding your comment on pegging, you make a great point. I really believe it is about what is in your head no matter what activity or position you are in. I remember a woman giving me a BJ when she was on her knees and I was standing. I never felt so submissive in that position before. I had the same feelings very humiliated and submissive. It was not your typical relationship, we went out on dates, she gave me BJs putting me in sub space, etc, and I did nothing for her physically, though I would have done whatever she asked. We were together about a year.
ES

 

[TrainMe24]

Thanks. And I assume he enjoyed it when you took the Domme role?
ES

Oh. Absolutely.

 

[Britva415]

I think domming IS role playing already. I’m not saying it’s not real, just that one doesn’t really have to put on an act in order to express oneself as a sub (unless that’s how your dom wants you to), but expressing oneself as a dom requires an act.

 

[seela]

@seela I got a chance to look at the link you provided regarding Tops and Bottoms. Thanks, it is a great discussion.

Regarding your comment on pegging, you make a great point. I really believe it is about what is in your head no matter what activity or position you are in. I remember a woman giving me a BJ when she was on her knees and I was standing. I never felt so submissive in that position before. I had the same feelings very humiliated and submissive. It was not your typical relationship, we went out on dates, she gave me BJs putting me in sub space, etc, and I did nothing for her physically, though I would have done whatever she asked. We were together about a year.
ES

Yeah, I think many people attach a D or s label on certain acts, whereas at least for me it’s definitely about the dynamic and mindset rather than the act that makes me think of something as D/s.

That said, there are things that always put me in a submissive mindset regardless what and I have a trouble imagining those things happening in a non-submissive scenario. I have learned to steer away from certain types of (fairly standard vanilla) activities sometimes, if the setting is not conducive for me to get too deep in my subby feels.

I think domming IS role playing already. I’m not saying it’s not real, just that one doesn’t really have to put on an act in order to express oneself as a sub (unless that’s how your son wants you to), but expressing oneself as a dom requires an act.

This is an interesting point of view. Care to elaborate? How is dominating an act/putting on an act? Do you find all “being active” in sex more of an act than “being passive”?

 

[Britva415]

Do you find all “being active” in sex more of an act than “being passive”?

No, but presenting/projecting is a necessary dom skill. Desiring authority doesn’t make one a dom - wielding it does.

 

[seela]

No, but presenting/projecting is a necessary dom skill. Desiring authority doesn’t make one a dom - wielding it does.

Thanks! I can see what you mean. I’m not 100% sure I agree, but I definitely see how it can be construed like that.

It’s an interesting topic!

 

[Britva415]

Thanks! I can see what you mean. I’m not 100% sure I agree, but I definitely see how it can be construed like that.

It’s an interesting topic!

I guess I can put it this way, which is what was behind the way I answered OP’s question “Can a sub role play as a dom”

To me the answer is clearly Yes, we know that people can RP as doms. Many if not most professional dommes do exactly that. Then when it’s their turn to have their own kinks indulged on their own time and/or their own dime, they’re submissive. That’s not a stereotype of all dommes, just a description of some I’ve read about online and know in real life.

So yeah, a sub can RP as a dom, someone of any persuasion can RP as a dom if they can pull off the act.

And the thing to really watch for is how it doesn’t really have a lot to do with sex. One dom can be passive and demand active compliance from their sub, while another dom can be active and expect passive compliance from their sub. They’re still both doms. One sub can crave one type of demands and another sub can crave the opposite - they’re still both subs.

 

[seela]

I guess I can put it this way, which is what was behind the way I answered OP’s question “Can a sub role play as a dom”

To me the answer is clearly Yes, we know that people can RP as doms. Many if not most professional dommes do exactly that. Then when it’s their turn to have their own kinks indulged on their own time and/or their own dime, they’re submissive. That’s not a stereotype of all dommes, just a description of some I’ve read about online and know in real life.

So yeah, a sub can RP as a dom, someone of any persuasion can RP as a dom if they can pull off the act.

And the thing to really watch for is how it doesn’t really have a lot to do with sex. One dom can be passive and demand active compliance from their sub, while another dom can be active and expect passive compliance from their sub. They’re still both doms. One sub can crave one type of demands and another sub can crave the opposite - they’re still both subs.

Oh okay, I definitely agree that being dominant can be a role and putting on an act.

I just read your previous answer as a “more universal truth”, like it always is a role you put on. In that case I don’t agree. Thanks for clarifying!

 

[Britva415]

I just read your previous answer as a “more universal truth”, like it always is a role you put on

I definitely wasn't saying doms are fake because they're always faking it.

However even a "real dom" still plays a part, IMO. Partly for their own expression, but also partly when learning what pushes the buttons of a particular sub.

 

[eroticspank]

@Britva415 thanks for joining the discussion, you make some great points.

Based on your comments, roleplay can be involved in vanilla sex, an active partner, and a passive partner. Sure I can see that and I know couples do change roles depending on many things.

Yes, I can see how a Pro Domme can role-play because she is paid for it so there is probably some acting involved. I have been to a few in years past and you can clearly tell those that enjoy it vs those that are acting.

I can see how a BDSM scene with all the toys, tools, and can be role-playing for both people. My thought is that it is easier for a Dominant person to take on the Dom/Domme role because it is natural for them. They are role-playing but not acting. It might be how we define each term because we might be saying the same thing. Either way, acting or role-playing is okay if that is what that couple enjoys, AND it is what they enjoy.

I mentioned limits above because I feel like a sub, role-playing as a Domme does have limits because she is not naturally in that role, and pushing the sub's buttons may not go as far. A natural Domme enjoys the role of working the sub, pushing his buttons, running him through scenes, and being in control. As a sub, you can sense this passion and desire for control. It is a big turn-on. But I do love that several subs have replied here with their experiences.

This is just my opinion and is meant to bring up discussion.
ES

 

[Ash999]

I am submissive in my worship of Goddess Kali but Dominant with my slavegals....I spank my bent over, panty clad, bare View attachment 2466121View attachment 2466124View attachment 2466125View attachment 2466125View attachment 2466122View attachment 2466123ass cheeks with a pView attachment 2466124air of steel hand shaped rice spoons .....ouch....Victory Goddess Kali!!!

 

[Ash999]

The teacher got a ...gasp...caning from the headmaster becoz of misbehavior from her protégé.....sob...!!?View attachment 2466930

 

[SPARTAN047]

I think so. I've heard of some guy who dominated his gal so thoroughly and made her his submissive, to the extent that he could order her to be dominant.

It could be a false story but it's possible.

 

[eroticspank]

I suppose there are different reasons for a person to become a top or take on that role when they are typically the bottom or a sub. Sometimes it is lust.

I had a girlfriend who sometimes during our bedroom play would take over. We would play around teasing each other. In one instance she was teasing me and trying to get me hot by lightly touching me and playing with my dick. But, it turned her on so much that she just stopped, got on top, and slipped me inside. That was not the plan but she didn't care because she was on her way to her first orgasm. She did the same thing with cunnilingus. She would push me down there, asking and telling me to please lick her.

Perhaps she had a split personality because most of the time we were in bed she was submissive.
ES

 

[cascadiabound]

How is all this different than just bring a switch? Which it seems a lot of people are to one degree or another.