a story in progressss

[fire child]

My Indian lover,
...And in taking me, turning the spirits of my beloved people from me. None of them would behold this lawbreaking woman of the white world shame herself in the taking of a non-man into her body. Turned away, yet I can still see their tears, dry in an instant, for whom, but save one, would risk angering the forces of creation by mourning for a snarl toothed, heated bitch who could defile her would-be children's make-place with a red skinned, lowly, treacherous dog-he-be Cherokee. None... but one. The one of the band younger than many, yet still warrior in his youthful years. The one with the obsidian gaze and tall of leg, with black hair just so that the shadows of things came together beneath his brow, to live again, in a stare of oneness with Mother Earth. And this shaman sobbed in pure grief for the young girl, many years into her moon-let, yet still first woman. Unbearable seems the visions, yet what is not solid is not as readily felt as what is, and pleasures of the flesh cause the spirits to flee after being one second still to dwell in the mind of first woman. She sighs, as her lover's breath catches in ecstasy, yet she knows the spirits were a double blow, reminding her that pleasures of the flesh always came to an end, and being no longer first woman, shall cause agony and grief to all she touches, for the rest of her days.

Does any of that make sense?? It's part of something I'm working on, and frankly, it sucks. HELP!

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Whew! No, it makes no sense. Not to me anyhow.

Is this poetry or a story? Whatever it is, it's very overwritten and hard to understand. That third sentence especially, the one that starts with "Turned away..." just gets totally lost in its own parentheticals.

Maybe it would help if we knew what was going on. Someone's making love to someone? Or about to? Or someone's ruminating on the social consequences of a lesbian encounter? Whatever it is, it's not clear at all, so all this internal huffing and puffing seems to have no point.

I'd rip it up and start over myself.

---dr.M.

 

[fire child]

lmao

Or someone's ruminating on the social consequences of a lesbian encounter?

that's the best someone's divulged so far. It's a poem, turned story, about a white woman who takes a cherokee tribesman as her lover. I just can't seem to get this passage right. I've never tried to write an erotic story, just poetry, which honestly, it get's hard to come up with great (not just good) poems about sex, or love. I've gone through the bad poem/hatred cycle, and got some good stuff from it. I thought I'd give that happy side a chance again.

lol-- gimmie some ideas, or suggest something I can read to get ideas from maybe. It's all very appreciated.

 

[Guest]

suggestions and ideas...

Please see comments in red

My Indian lover,
...And in taking me, turning the spirits of my beloved people from me. This requires some explanation. WHY would sex turn WHICH people away?
None of them would behold this lawbreaking woman of the white world shame herself in the taking of a non-man into her body.
Okay, here we have somewhat of an answer to my first question. But there's a problem; how many people of that time would really watch anyone having sex with someone? You wrote this sentence in a way which suggests that white people are normally voyeuristic, and only choose NOT to watch people having sex in this particular instance!
Turned away, yet I can still see their tears, dry in an instant, for whom, but save one, would risk angering the forces of creation by mourning for a snarl toothed, heated bitch who could defile her would-be children's make-place with a red skinned, lowly, treacherous dog-he-be Cherokee. WOAH!!! WAYYY too much going on with this sentence! First, why would they be crying, and who, exactly, is "they"? Second, if "they" is white people, then would they really be concerned about angering the forces of creation? This sounds more like an indigenous perspective to me. They might be worry about the white woman getting sent to Hell or some such thing, or committing some sort of terrible sin. Those might be better phrases. Third, why is "she" a snarl toothed bitch? You're being contradictory here, because first you say "they" would cry for her, mourn her, and then suddenly she's a bitch. What happened? Fourth, what's a "make-place"?
None... but one. The one of the band younger than many, yet still warrior in his youthful years.More confusion here. First, the woman (white?) must've also made the decision to sleep with this Cherokee guy. Second, you've already implied that people would blame the woman for this relationship (because she's a snarly toothed bitch, etc). But now it's the man who dared to initiate the relationship? This is very confusing. WHO initiated the relationship, why, and was it mutual or forced? Also, choosing a point of view from which to write would really help to clear things up here. Are you writing from a white colonial p.o.v, or from an indigenous p.o.v.? If you want to use both, you have to be sure to make the switches clearly.

The one with the obsidian gaze and tall of leg "tall of leg"???? Since this is a description of the guy, and presumably is from the p.o.v. of the white woman, you should consider using language that she would have used. I don't think she would ever say "tall of leg". Try something like "with long, lean legs" or some such thing
, with black hair just so that the shadows of things came together beneath his brow, to live again, in a stare of oneness with Mother Earth This is too confusing of a description. You want the reader to create an image of the character, so you don't want to make the description confusing. And this shaman sobbed in pure grief for the young girl, Wait... suddenly he's a shaman? When did this happen? And she's a girl, not a woman??? When did that happen? And why is he crying for her? Does he know she's going to be stigmatized by her people?
many years into her moon-let Here she's a woman again. Try to be consistent. , yet still first woman. Unbearable seems the visions Do you mean "The vision of it was unbearable"? The phrasing is awkward here, yet what is not solid is not as readily felt as what is,Okay, this is another confusing phrase. The idea is to create a clear, vivid picture for the reader. If you still want to wax poetic or philosophical try something like "Sometimes one's beliefs can be easily overpowered by the temptation of physical pleasure." and pleasures of the flesh cause the spirits to flee after being one second still to dwell in the mind of first woman.What does this mean??? She sighs, as her lover's breath catches in ecstasy, yet she knows the spirits were a double blow,She's alread done having sex now? Or is she just remembering an encounter with this guy? Or was she with him and we just skipped the juicy part? What happened? What do you mean by a "double blow"? reminding her that pleasures of the flesh always came to an end, and being no longer first woman, shall cause agony and grief to all she touches, for the rest of her days. Too many commas here. Also, why should being "first woman" cause her grief and anguish for the rest of her days? Clarify what it means to be "first woman" (or use a different phrase).


Does any of that make sense?? It's part of something I'm working on, and frankly, it sucks. HELP!

Hope this helps you out some. Let us know how the story writing progresses.

Xtaabay

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Re: lmao

It's a poem, turned story, about a white woman who takes a cherokee tribesman as her lover. I just can't seem to get this passage right. I've never tried to write an erotic story, just poetry,

lol-- gimmie some ideas, or suggest something I can read to get ideas from maybe. It's all very appreciated.

In a story, the action should always take first priority. You’ve got to tell us what the characters are doing. Stories are a lot more visual than poems; poems are a lot more emotional, and in your excerpt it’s very hard to get through all the thinking and feeling to understand what, if anything, is happening.

When I do stories, I’m always looking for things my characters can do that express how they’re feeling inside: the way they say things, the way they stand and move; everything they do can become an illustration of what they’re thinking and feeling. At the same time, the action of the story never stops. Sometimes you have no choice but to get inside a character’s head and just baldly tell the readers what’s going on inside, but it’s always better if the characters can act them out some way. It helps draw the reader into the story to have them try and interpret and understand the characters’ actions.

In your case you have people making love. There are countless ways that people express their emotions when they make love, which is what makes writing sex scenes so cool. The way they touch, how they respond, what they say, their eagerness or reserve, all say something about what they’re feeling. If I were you, I would concentrate on the love scene and look for ways for your characters to manifest their emotions. Save the direct explanation to the audience for when you really need it.

---dr.M.

 

[Guest]

I agree with Dr. M here...

I think he's got the right idea: first you need to clearly convey what's going on (otherwise there's no story) and second, you need to describe things vividly and in a way that is not confusing. You want your reader to be able to picture what the characters look like, where they are, and what's going on.

Another suggestion that might help: Try outlining your story first. Be sure you know what you want to happen, how it will happen, and what the end result will be. Then fill in the basic actions and descriptions. Rework it until it's smooth. Then, and ONLY THEN, should you attempt going back and adding the philosophical and or poetic stuff. But if you really feel the need to do this you should KEEP IT AT A MINIMUM. Otherwise it will cloud your story and leave people feeling confused and frustrated. And by no means skip over the sex scenes!!!!!!! I'm assuming this is going to be an erotic story, right? So don't skip the sex! We'll all get mad and come after you if you do!
Xtaabay

 

[fire child]

....working on it

So don't skip the sex! We'll all get mad and come after you if you do!
Xtaabay

LOL!!!!
Gotcha. Well, on the advice of a good friend, I read the anne rice (a. n. Roquelare (sp?)) "the claiming of sleeping beauty". I've never done real into sex scenes, just artsy melodramas. I've also done some *ahem* research, by reading a couple of stories on here at lit... and well, I'm hooked, and I also picked up some bug subtleties that are needed.

Working on it-- will get back to ya soon.

Thanks for the step by step input!! I love it when you guys do that... Just what I need.