A story for women - but want male pov

[wishfulthinking]

I am a woman, and have written a story that other women enjoy, judging by the feedback. Only it is all females, and I would be interested in what males have to say. Don't like it? Not your sort of thing? Not enough of this or that? Criticism, suggestions etc would be really helpful as I expand the story. Cheers, S
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=115090

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Well, I can't tell what the hell is going on in this story and I had to stop a short ways into it.

Excerpt:
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Cain barked an order, and a man quickly, turning sideways as he passed through the doorway, careful of the unconscious woman in his arms.

Leonns’s amber eyes widened in surprise, before an unreadable mask settled on his face.

“Captain Valetta, at your service.” The man tipped his head in respect, aware of the legendary stories shared over campfires about the feats of Leonn de Angel, the Lion. “And this is Isabella Margerite d’Alsace, the only living child of Count Fredrich d’Alsace.”
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Okay. Now first of all, what does that first sentence mean? Is there a word missing?

Third paragraph: "The man tipped his head..." Which man? After reading it a few trimes I figured out that you must mean the man in the first paragraph, but the story is full of unclear "he's" that make it very confusing to read.

Example:
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“I’ll adjourn our meeting until later to properly allow you to inspect your gift.” Cain nodded and softly closed the door behind him, understanding his desire to be alone with his new prisoner."

Eyeing the silent bundle, he poured himself a snifter of brandy...
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The "him" and "his" in the first sentence seem to refer to the same person but they don't, right? The "his" refers to the Lion. It would have been much clearer had you just said "the Lion" (or whatever) instead of using the pronoun. Then, in the next sentence, we're left to wonder just who is pouring a snifter of brandy: Cain or the Lion? Again, it's unclear.


You've apparently got a lot of background information that you're trying to cram into the beginning and that's never easy to do, but here the attempt to fill in the backstory while maintaining ongoing action muddies the waters to an alarming degree.

I also couldn't get a feel of where we were supposed to be. This guy comes in with a ridiculous number of weapons strapped to his body (which made me wonder how he could walk without clanking, if indeed he could even bend his arms and legs at all)and one of them is a machete. Well, a machete is not a medieval weapon. It's from Latin America.

I think you need to concentrate more on just telling what's happening and not get bogged down in the overuse of all the adjectives and adverbs. They obscure the action, and I think they end up confusing you as well. For example, there's a point where he grabs both her hands in one of his, and then a sentence later she's beating her fists against his shoulder. Things like that make it hard to understand what's going on.

Overall, I would say it's over-written. If the action were crisper and more plainly described, you'd lose the need for all the descriptive modifiers that give the writing such an overly melodramtic tone, and it is overly melodramatic. The sex scene looks like it's trying to be good but the verbiage gets in the way.

As far as males' vs. females' take on this, I think it would work fine for men as well. It's juicy enough. It's just that it's a bit too juicy.

---dr.M.

 

[wishfulthinking]

Hi Dr M, thanks for that. Yes, I have had another person make a really good comment about the beginning of the story. They said it was a bit distracting, and it may be better if the different characters are relevant to the story later, to let people get to know them better. Everything you said was very valid, and I am very appreciative as it will all help me with the next instalment. As to the over-writing, I don't know if I will be able to change this, as I think people are naturally flowery or stark in their writing, and this is what differentiates them from others. But yes, I will try not to let it get in the way of the story! Cheers, S