a stiff twig

[daughter]

Thought I'd do something different. Posting a poem here first. I'm looking for feedback. This is an oldie, and it isn't where I want it to be.

Please tell me how you would alter this and why. If you like something about it, please say so and why. I'd like to know what to keep and what to scrap.

What's your preference: what's implied or what's explicit? What would work best in this poem?

Thanks.

Peace,

daughter

*will repost when revision is done. Thanks everyone.

 

[JennyOmanHill]

Well, you sure did...

Light a stiff twig, I mean.

I am not at ALL someone who can pick apart any person's poetry (I only wrote one!), but personally I needed to read the first two couplings twice before it flowed. But that could be me.

Should the word "affect" be "effect"?

But by the end I smelled incense and felt satisfied. And I think that's what your words meant to do. (In fact, I wish I was snuggled up somewhere right now!)

 

[Guest]

picking apart

Jenny, gurlfriend

If I were making a cake and I wasn't sure about the recipe, and you told me what to add or not to that ain't criticizing my cooking. You don't have to be Betty Crocker to tell me you like a lot of butter in your batter.


D, I think you need to decide which way you want this to go. We get bump and grind all the time. Scrap the explicit. It's predictable. Without it, the read is still erotic.

Like whatcha do, D.

Alice

 

[garyblue]

Daughter,

As you might have guessed from previous posts, I am not a great fan of poetry. Following the threads in this forum has made me try to discover the reasons for my attitude.

Rhythm is the word. If a `poem' doesn't have rhythm, it is funny prose. That is not to say that everything needs to be in iambic pentameter, or have some fixed rhyme scheme. It must sound good to the ear. The words must work together to create an explicitly verbal image. The rhyme (if any) should work in counterpoint to the rhythm and the melody of words. Look at the first stanza of T. S. Eliot's "The Hollow Men" for an example of the use of rhyme and meter to emphasize verbal images.

Daughter, you have an interesting image to show us. I somehow can't manage to say your poem. That's unfortunate, because poetry is an aural art. This comes across to me as funny prose. Try to find some flow, give the words some rhythm, create emphasis.

I'm sorry I'm not very constructive here. I only know enough to stick my foot in it.

g

 

[daughter]

very constructive

garyblue--

I think your comments are very constructive. You've articulated what you don't like, what isn't working in this poem. I dislike the comic element in it, too.

Thanks for being honest. It's not only welcomed, it's helpful.

Peace,

daughter

 

[Giggles]

i know bad poetry and...

This isn't bad.

I read it and the first part that tripped up my mind was "sensual like a belly dancer's trance" That's where the flow first stops flowing... for me.

How about:

i lit a stiff twig
and favored teal votives
then crawled into bed

awaited the ritual trance
gradual like a belly dancer's sensual effect

Hmm... not sure if they flows better, but I like the way it reads.

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Daughter,

I enjoyed this poem, I will be interested to see what changes you make.

U.P.

 

[perks]

pouncing again

k gurllllll, since ya got me heated on your art,

<fuck the stiff twig, ya didn't light a damn twig.>

I effected ritual smoke.

Lit favored votives, awaiting
Belly dancer's rhythmic trance
Curls wafting, encircling thoughts
Gypsy nights, not long past.

When I, buried in your scent
Traced fingertip around nipple
The tug irresistable
And bit you lightly

Encouraged by the hop of your hips
The rhythm of your "Pleeeeease?!?"
The movement of your
Swinging me on top.

Vicegrip of thighs
Hugging, gloving width
Locks swinging erratically.
Harsh, panting sweat,
Pressed back palms
Fingers clamped for steadied force
Dizzy sight, blurred expression
Too soon! too soon!

Candles flickering to darkness
Leaving lingering musk.
Willow, coalesced skin
Pungent upon my lips
Stroked the hair around your nipple
Tasted tip one last time
Before drifting back,

Affected by ritual smoke

hmm hmmmmm....<sound of me thinking>...
I think....as I've stated before....you're an excellent writer....focus on your point.....then.....get the poem into the reader's blood....build the cadence.....use your power....don't let the reader read the poem...make your poem play the body of the reader. Poetry is so physical....it's exercise. And I like your muscles, but ya need some cardio.

wet thighs and white t-shirts,
perky

 

[daughter]

Ummmm

perky--

Like your take. I am going to try to apply what you say, to remember that it is physical(Donald Hall said something similar), to sharpen the images.

What if I want to focus on the sensual and not the physical? How would you make this move? I am enjoying seeing this through your eyes. I was stuck.

Let's dance and see if we can work up a sweat. Thanks for the feedback.

Peace,

daughter

 

[perks]

Re: Ummmm

perky--

What if I want to focus on the sensual and not the physical? How would you make this move?

gurl please<exasperated sigh>,
you asked me how to focus on sensual....and not physical....did you mean more of a cerebral thought?....because sensual, ESPECIALLY in your writing IS physical. and then you ask me how to make it "move". <laughing cause...you're so physical, and for some reason your head is stuck in trying to go somewhere else>....piece of advice, put this poem away for a bit, it's good. You just need a break from it. You don't have to force your flow. You've got it, you breathe it. Don't let this poem run you. Get your juices going again somewhere else. Then talk to this one again.
Get me?,
wet thighs and white t-shirts,
perks