A Small Favor by Huck Pilgrim

[HuckPilgrim]

I'd love your feedback on A Small Favor.

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-small-favor

I put it in Erotic Couplings, because I didn't know where else. Does that seem like the best place for it? This is the second story I've posted to Lit. The first was an obvious non-consent, but I'm struggling with the categories.

This is one of the first stories I wrote. It was originally in first person and shorter. It ended with the female character's realization and acceptance of what the POV character is up to. But then that seemed sort of harsh, so I kept going with it, and ended up with what you see here.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

I read both of your stories and am going to set them aside to read again for a second impression.

First, the good. Your skill as a writer shows with your ability to paint character's backgrounds and details in with a broad, short stroke phrases like "I've been sober as long as she's been alive" are practically tiny stories in and of themselves. That said, you're not writing for a particularly subtle audience. Your ratings are probably going to reflect no appreciation for this.

Now, the bad: no heat."Goodbye, Roger" was better for having some, but it was still a very dry heat. There was minimal build-up and longing in both stories. Your sentences in "A Small Favor " are clipped, almost stacatto, which is great for a story about urgency and need, but if I had to guess why Don went up to her apartment, my best guess would be boredom and if I had to put motivations on Lisa I'd say residual echoes of childhood sexual trauma. The urgency of your writing style for that one doesn't fit the scenario, though I'm glad you continued it further.I think it gives the characters an added complexity.

I like the concept of the camera/video watcher in "Goodbye, Roger" but I think picking such a detached POV makes heating up the scene with detail that much more important. Not that you have to specify "Cody Jones had just turned eighteen" at the beginning of every story, but without many other indicators of her age in that story (though the HS T-shirt and blue hair puts her at no older than 20 in my mind) repeatedly referring to the other partner as a "boy" was (surprisingly) gross.

When you re-read these stories, do they turn you on? Or are you using Lit as a place to publish stories you want to tell for other reasons that have too much sex for a mainstream writing workshop?

 

[HuckPilgrim]

Thanks for the kind words about my writing! I absolutely do find my stories a turn on. I always start from an idea that turns me on and then try to build a story around it. My stories tend to be harsh and I'm not sure why that is.

I can kind of see what you're talking about in A Small Favor, especially with the pace. I might have ruined it by adding to it. Interesting comments about the character's motivation, especially Don. Most of my stories involve ordinary people stepping over the line or transgressing somehow. Do people do that because they're bored? Maybe. Does it matter? Would it be a better story if he had different motivations? I tend to not really think too hard about past motivation. Instead just putting characters into a scene and then trying to figure out what the next most likely action would be.

Ah, I have to take my daughter to school.

Gotta run. Thank you for your feedback! Lots to think about.

 

[PennLady]

Most of my stories involve ordinary people stepping over the line or transgressing somehow. Do people do that because they're bored? Maybe. Does it matter? Would it be a better story if he had different motivations? I tend to not really think too hard about past motivation. Instead just putting characters into a scene and then trying to figure out what the next most likely action would be.

Ah, I have to take my daughter to school.

Gotta run. Thank you for your feedback! Lots to think about.

I haven't read these stories, so my post may not quite apply, but -- if you don't know what your characters past motivations are, how would you know what they would do in any given situation? I'm not saying you need to give the readers tons of back story, but it might help you yourself to have thought it through. A shy person will respond differently than an extrovert, an angry person different from someone who's more laid back, just to give broad examples.

The "next most likely" action depends on the characters. Otherwise, it seems to me, you just have people doing what you want them to do because you want it to happen.

 

[HuckPilgrim]

Good point. I agree. He probably goes go upstairs because he's bored or maybe he's flattered and that makes him horny. He seems like a reasonably full character to me. The point is it's an older guy with a younger girl. She's lonely, he's weak. I think that's an actual line from the story.