MaeveoSliabh
spinning yarns
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2006
- Posts
- 3,454
Before getting into this, let it be known that i'm not looking for sympathy, empathy, or much of anything else. i just need to get it clear in my head, and posting something somewhere is the quickest way to do that. Disclaimer being finished...
This is a really bittersweet holiday for me this year. Today i spent a few short hours with my children. Tomorrow i will spend a few more. i'll be glad to have that time, especially on the holiday, but it will also be the last i'll see them for months. Even then it will depend on if anybody will be able to afford to travel during the summer.
i'm unbearably sad that i won't see them again for so long.
But...
This is also a time where so many new opportunities are opening up. i'll be going to a place with better job opportunities. There are more schools to choose from, which is good, since i've been wanting to go back for a few years now. i'll be going down there with somebody who loves me and wants to be with me enough to have spent the extra time and money to enable us to have two weeks together - alone.
This will also clear up some of the confusion the kids have been feeling. They don't understand why they can only see Mommy one day a week, for a few hours at a time. i can't explain to them that it's because the ex made me undergo psychological evaluations, that he convinced a judge that i live in my own world, and am incapable of caring for my babies - despite the fact that i stayed at home and raised them for six years. i can't explain to them that he did this because he wants to be absolved of guilt and can't admit to himself that he did something horrible that caused a bout of depression. i can't explain to them how much it hurts that they've started acting more like him because he's the one raising them.
What i can do, when the move is finished, is write them often, and call them often, and reassure them that i love them. That they will be welcome at any time - even if they are only allowed short visits.
So i guess it boils down to the fact that i just hate to leave them, because they're my babies, but i have to leave them because they're not really -my- babies anymore... and the chance at a new, different life waits. It just makes it a little rough that it's happening now. But i'm ready.
Happy holidays... i'll remember this one for a long time.
This is a really bittersweet holiday for me this year. Today i spent a few short hours with my children. Tomorrow i will spend a few more. i'll be glad to have that time, especially on the holiday, but it will also be the last i'll see them for months. Even then it will depend on if anybody will be able to afford to travel during the summer.
i'm unbearably sad that i won't see them again for so long.
But...
This is also a time where so many new opportunities are opening up. i'll be going to a place with better job opportunities. There are more schools to choose from, which is good, since i've been wanting to go back for a few years now. i'll be going down there with somebody who loves me and wants to be with me enough to have spent the extra time and money to enable us to have two weeks together - alone.
This will also clear up some of the confusion the kids have been feeling. They don't understand why they can only see Mommy one day a week, for a few hours at a time. i can't explain to them that it's because the ex made me undergo psychological evaluations, that he convinced a judge that i live in my own world, and am incapable of caring for my babies - despite the fact that i stayed at home and raised them for six years. i can't explain to them that he did this because he wants to be absolved of guilt and can't admit to himself that he did something horrible that caused a bout of depression. i can't explain to them how much it hurts that they've started acting more like him because he's the one raising them.
What i can do, when the move is finished, is write them often, and call them often, and reassure them that i love them. That they will be welcome at any time - even if they are only allowed short visits.
So i guess it boils down to the fact that i just hate to leave them, because they're my babies, but i have to leave them because they're not really -my- babies anymore... and the chance at a new, different life waits. It just makes it a little rough that it's happening now. But i'm ready.
Happy holidays... i'll remember this one for a long time.
