A "shoping" day

[trisquel_astur]

... my first story.

May I have a little bit of feedback?

English version Thanks a lot to faeriefire for her help translating and with the flow of the English version.

Versión en Español

TIA,
Angel

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

... my first story.

May I have a little bit of feedback?

English version Thanks a lot to faeriefire for her help translating and with the flow of the English version.

Versión en Español

TIA,
Angel

I'm unimpressed with the fabulous "english flow". Next time find someone to translate for you who knows how to write and punctuate. That said -

I was unimpressed. This isn't a story at all, but a piece of a story - more a lead up to and sex scene with no reason or ending. If you look, there are thousands of "wannabe BDSM" snippets like this. Nothing new here. Nothing very interesting. Was it the story or the translation, I don't know. But this just doesn't really grab my interest at all.

Sorry.

 

[tickledkitty]

Jenny's right. I couldn't even read it. You need to find someone with better English skills to edit.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Where are the quotations? Why are there dashes starting random line?

On the Japanese: Konichiwa doesn't need a dash. If she was aknowledging his dominance the suffix "-sama" (roughly "master") would be appropriate rather then "-san." If he were adressing her as his s sub the suffix "-chan" (the diminutive title) would be likely.

This echange concerned me a bit:

today I will be your sexual slave.

-Will you submit to me without restriction?

-Yes, Daniel-san.

That isn't BDSM, that's just foolish. I realize it's very common in fantasies (and thus fine for erotica) but it might be something to think about if you want to go for a believeable story. BDSM requires limits.



On the plus side I really liked the descriptive imagery and you managed to avoid plent of common mistakes (like numbers, measurements and meaningless three paragraph backstories). You're not bad but you could be so much better with a reasonable editor.