A Seven Layered Assault on Good Writing

[Rumple Foreskin]

This is another one of my assaults on good taste and the English language. The idea was to see how many different categories I could be fit logically into one story. This one contains seven: erotic couplings, incest, group, anal, interracial, lesbian, and even a touch of romance. Any thoughts (good, bad, or indifferent) about the content, categories, or even the clueless author will be appreciated.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=65739

Rumple Foreskin

 

[the_bragis]

Woh! Ho!

Hello Rumple.

Ok, for anyone thinking of reading this - WARNING - this story really does contain it all. You put a little note at the beginning of your story telling the reader exactly what 'extras' to expect, that's a good idea, especially since this story is in the erotic couplings section.

Well this is what I like to call 'mop and bucket sex'. Why, because that's what you need to clean it up afterwards. Yes, for me it worked well, it all flowed smoothly from where I was reading.

Personally incest doesn't do anything for me, so I had to get past that to really enjoy it. I realise I'm in a minority, so I am sure that won't be a problem for other readers. Actually I could count the number of incest stories I have read on one hand and still have fingers and a thumb left over, but the idea of so many categories rolled into one rather intrigued me.

This is what I noted about the content and categories as I read. Oh and the author, well what can I say really? He's just an old sweety!


God, but she was so glad that big wreck on the freeway had kept them from getting through town and that Kirk convinced her they should stop for an early dinner which turned into a long, slightly drunken, sharing of feelings that lead to the realizing they needed one another, not just as sister and brother, but also as man and woman, and their decision to check into this hotel and forget about skiing that weekend.

Rumple, this sentence is too long. There are a few like this; I would like to see cut in two or three.

shaken, spent, and contented.

This is nice catchy stuff, but I think the correct word is content, 'shaken, spent and content'. Besides, it rhymes better too.

But then he turned ...

I know you told me you can begin a sentence with 'and', but 'but'?

They "spooned" together, her back to his chest ..

I don't think you need inverted comas here, actually now that I think about it, this is perhaps a tautology?

The phone call was very short.

This is back story, so really wouldn't it read better - 'The phone call had been very short' ?

Once again the sex was great, and when it ended, she felt energized instead of tired and mellowed-out. This time she took a long, hot shower, brushed out her hair and decided to do something with her eyes. She was heading back to bed when there was a knock on the door.

I don't know, I thought this paragraph was a little bit ho hum. I think you could have dropped most of it without losing anything. A simple 'Knock, knock at the door', would have worked for me. I noted a few spots in your story where I thought you could have trimmed it, but it's really just a personal thing I guess.

Nervous, excited, and bare naked

I know people say this all the time, but what is the difference between being naked, bare or bare naked?

To her surprise, he clutched at his heart and stepped back. "My God, woman, don't ever open a door looking like that. You could give a guy a heart attack."

He he... good one!

Turning back, she gave him a big hug while looking over at her brother who returned her big grin, "I take it you like your present."

I tell you, I want one of those under my tree on the twenty-fifth of December! Only, whose dialog is this? It's not hers, so really it needs a new line. How about -

She gave him a big hug, as she looked over at her brother.

He grinned back, "I take it you like your present?"

"Yep, she's always been the modest, retiring type," agreed Kirk,..

This confused me, not that it takes much, he's kidding, right?

Each time his tongue darted into her mouth, he would gently push against her, letting his dick mimic the action of his tongue.

Hot stuff Rumple.

Sue, who loved doing it that way, said she was more than willing and they probably set some sort of record for switching positions.

Jessie said he was a little hungry himself ...

Over and over again I saw missed opportunities for hot dialog in your story. "Sure I love it doggy style, bring it on you horny dog, and be quick about it!" she said, giggling and lifting herself onto her hands and knees. Or maybe something even more crass, "Ruff! Ruff!" The second example, "Fuck it, I'm horny again too!" I think would have had more impact when referring to his sexual appetite.

With her arms and legs feeling like they'd been turned into rubber, Sue sank down upon the bed.

Oh, I've been there and done that. Yes, I know the exact feeling, that's an excellent description.

Kirk watched in amazement...

Oh boy this paragraph is so hot, I would have posted the whole thing here, but I don't want give too much away do I? Anyone besides Rumple and me reading this is just going to have to read it for themselves to find out exactly how hot.

They were all lost in a timeless ecstasy. But eventually, the intervals between her climaxes began to grew longer and longer.

There's that damned 'but' again. How about this instead: Lost in a timeless ecstasy, the intervals between her climaxes began to grow longer.

Disengage and disconnect, are not hyphenated words.

Needing both emotional and physical support, she put her arms around Kirk's neck and laid her head on his chest.

This is nice, and in my humble opinion, it gives a gentle balance to the brother and sister's emotions.

I notice at this stage of reading too, you have given good strong contrasting descriptions of Jessie and Kirk. Readers who enjoy interracial stories particularly will appreciate this.

As far as the story line itself goes, I'm not sure that Ann would slip so easly into having sex her cousin, since she had to be convinced earlier on the phone to participate in group sex to begin with, but hey I could be wrong.

The four of them seemed to focus on either food or sex throughout the whole story. I guess that's realistic enough, I mean the need to be putting something in your mouth the whole time.

You know writing group sex stories is never easy, simply because there's so much going on. Some people will like to read through a story like this and treat it like they're editing the Karma Sutra. If there were any descriptions of positions that weren't possible or didn't quiet flow right, I didn't pick them up.

Honestly I lost count of how many orgasms actually happened here, so for anyone looking for a red hot sex, sex, and more sex read, this has got to be it.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex (fem).

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

A quick thanks while I swab the decks.

the_bragis (finally gave you the underline you so richly deserve),

Many thanks for all the input. You are insatiable, woman, at least as a reader. Here you call this epic a "mop & bucket" because that's what a person would need to clean up after all the sex, and then you want me to expand on some of the sex scenes. You women are never satisfied.

Rumple Foreskin