A serious question for a change!

[VanB]

I hope you don't mind me asking this because I feel really dumb doing so but all sensible replies gratefully received.

I've ben separated from my wife for nearly two years and our daughter lives with her mother. I have had my attempts to introduce her to partner blocked at every turn, to the point where I don't try any more. I do, however, get to see her most days which is a plus for me.

What would you do without seeking legal recourse?

 

[Tyrael]

What are you asking?

Are you trying to introduce a new woman intor your daughter's life?

 

[Cath!]

I am sorry, I lost the trail of crumbs there.

You have tried to introduce which one to whom?

 

[modest mouse]

VanB,

Could you clarify the middle of your question for me. Introduce her to "your partner"? Im sorry the wording isnt quite clear.

If its a male partner, please specify, just so I can reply. Thanks.

 

[VanB]

Clarifying - I hope

Sorry if I wasn't clear - I was soooo embarrassed just asking the question.

I have a relationship now with another woman (not a man LOL) and I would like my daughter to meet her but my (ex) wife is making it so effing difficult. Just looking for tips - especially from those who've been through something similar.

 

[Cath!]

Your ex can't stop you if she isn't with you! Just don't tell either of them ahead of time.

BUT...speaking as the adult child of a father who has had 5 wives and is now on a NEW g/f...make sure it is SERIOUS with the g/f BEFORE any introductions are made.

I don't think it is fair to put kids through the "meet" if that g/f won't be around for a long time.

 

[Tyrael]

Hmm, I can't say I can help in any way with that.

I just know you have to be careful introducing new love interests into young children's lives. You would need to wait til the child is ready before you do anything.

And like Cath said...if it's not serious with this new women don't rush to get her involved with your child. It's not healthy for the child if you jump from relationship to relationship.

 

[Mischka]

How does your wife make it difficult for you? When you said that you "get to see her most days," were you speaking of your girlfriend, or your daughter? How old is your daughter? I presume you are not living with your girlfriend; is your wife seeing anyone?

Sorry for the questions - just trying to unwravel the scenario before answering.

 

[modest mouse]

'partner' invokes a homosexual relationship as GF would usually be used, either one is fine with me but the answer is different as the issues are. It is rather vague here what the problem is.

 

[VanB]

How does your wife make it difficult for you? When you said that you "get to see her most days," were you speaking of your girlfriend, or your daughter? How old is your daughter? I presume you are not living with your girlfriend; is your wife seeing anyone?

Sorry for the questions - just trying to unwravel the scenario before answering.

Mischka, hopefully by answering you I can clarify a bit further.

My "wife" plain refuses to let me take my dughter to meet my g/f (Better MM?) both "wife" and daughter have known about g/f all along.

So it's my daughter I see most days and I have no complaints here.

My daughter is 9 and my "wife" has been seeing someone else although not any more - he didn't get to meet daughter either but it was short lived.

I only live with g/f when she's in the country - she lives on mainland Europe.

Bugger - it starts to sound complicated

Hope that helps.

 

[Simply Me]

As a mom who has gone through what you are talking about, I can tell you that your ex feels very threatened by another woman in her childs life. I had a hard time dealing with it, and my ex and I agreed that neither of us would encourage our children to call the "new" person Mom or Dad. I wish I had handled things differently at the time, but I admit I showed my ass many times when he would attempt to bring HER around our kids. The advice given here is good advice, don't introduce her to your child unless you think it has the potential to be serious. Kids confuse easily, and their world has been turned upside down enough as it is.
As for the wife, talk with her and find out why she is hesitating, and try to understand her reasons. But eventually, she will have to face the fact that someone else will be a part of your childs life. Good luck to you..

 

[modest mouse]

Are you divorced? Is this the legal issue?

Sorry, but I still dont fully see how you feel so limited.

(Hey, if it was a male then my answer just would be different, sorry for the assumption but no matter)

 

[VanB]

Simply me - thank you - wise words.

MM - are you being obtuse or am I being incredibly ense in my explanation. No offense but i thought it was a reasonably clear question!

 

[lavender]

 

[Mischka]

Ah ha. Thanks for the clarification, Van.

Your situation still sounds terribly complicated. Your daughter is very young. Until you and your wife are officially divorced, introducing another adult into her life may complicate things in her eyes. Perhaps that is what your wife is afraid of? That until you are exes, your daughter may still cling to the hope that there will be a reunion? Perhaps your wife does not want your daughter to meet this other woman because she [your wife] does not want to admit the finality of your separation?

If your girlfriend is an integral and long term part of your life, then I suggest speaking with your daughter about her. Openly encourage her to ask questions, show her pictures, and tell her that she gets to decide when they will meet. Perhaps you could write or speak to your wife, and explain that this is an important person in your life, and that you would like to allow your daughter to decide when she meets her, and that you promise not to pressure her at all? Your wife needs reassurance that you are not attempting to replace her in your daughter's mind; that this is "daddy's special friend" and not another mother.

If you are unsure of the future of this relationship, then I caution against ever introducing her. Her world has been shaken enough as it is; there is no need to parade a string of boyfriends and girlfriends before her.

 

[omourfi]

I was actually thinking about this kind of thing today!

I have split up with my daughters father, and he sees our daughter nearly every day. Neither of us are involved with anyone else at the moment, and as a result things have been quite amicable so far.

We have agreed that any future partners will not be called Mummy or Daddy. We have agreed not to speak badly of each other in front of our daughter - she only needs to know that we both love her very much.

When my ex becomes involved in a serious relationship, I would like to think I would be okay with our daugter meeting the new girlfriend - whether I will feel that way when it actually happens I don't know.

Not knowing the full situation, i would guess at the following possible reasons as to why your ex-wife is not happy for your daughter to be introduced to your girlfriend.

1) As said before, she could feel threatened by a new woman coming into your daughters life - you can only try to reassure her.

2) She does not believe that your current relationship is going to be long term, and therefore is protecting your daughter from possible confusion and upset - if you truly believe your relationship is serious, you can only try bringing the subject up for discussion again.

3) If your ex-wife still has feelings for you she could be using this as a way to cause problems in your current relationship, or just to hurt you - not much you can do about that!

Has your daughter shown an interest in meeting your girlfriend?

Has your ex-wife met your girlfriend? Are you in a situation where you could all sit down (without your daughter) and discuss this together?

 

[modest mouse]

Van B,

No offense taken. I'm missing something, thats all. I'm sure you will generate some quality advice wihtout me putting my foot in my mouth every ten minutes.

 

[lavender]

 

[T.H. Oughts]

Hi, I think you have been given some good advice so far.

How about take your daughter to a park. Then have your g/f show up after being there for 20 minutes.... but have your g/f approch it all as your friend who just happened to walk past.

Let the meeting be very relaxed and casual with no romance shown between you and your g/f. Then your daughter may not feel threatened by you having 'another woman' and not her own mother being there.....

Then things over time will work and your ex and daughter can become comfortable with it all......

In the end only you know what will work......

Sending supper big hugs

 

[princess4u]

have you talked about it with your ex? if you have, what does she feel the problem is? i would ask her to explain to me why she feels that way - and just how does she stop you from introducing your new lady to your daughter? or do you just not do it out of respect for her (your ex) feelings?

my husband and i split up when my daughter was 11 - she's now 24 - she and i have always had a very close relationship and i never had any problem when her father introduced her to someone he was seeing ~

 

[Calamity Jane]

Essentially, I agree with everyone else. If this new relationship is going to be long term, then you have every right to introduce the woman to your daughter with or without your wife's consent.

Try talking to her again, explain that you're not looking to cause any problems between child and mother, but that this woman is going to be an important part of your life, and therefore your daughter's life. If she's still being difficult, then you have to go with what you think is right. As parents, it's up to both of you to act in the best interests of your child. When the idea of what's best conflicts, then go with your heart.

 

[Calamity Jane]

A question for MM:

What would your answer have been if Van had been asking about a same sex partner?

I was going to ask how your answer would have been different, but you haven't answered this question yet.

BTW, my answer would be the same.

 

[modest mouse]

My answer would be different in that its possible his 'wife' would have issues with a homosexual relationship and that may factor into her reaction.

Personally I am comfortable with either but other's perceptions are not the same. I think accounting for that issue is wise, not vice versa.

I am still in the dark somewhat in that if he has considered legal action then why not push the issue and allow his daughter to meet someone important in his life. She isnt a 'Mom' figure and it doesnt appear that its a fling, but rather a person in his life and thus someone his daughter has the right to meet.

Im missing the complications, still.

(PCG, if you were implying some homophobic response on my part I can assure you you are way off base.)

 

[VanB]

have you talked about it with your ex? if you have, what does she feel the problem is? i would ask her to explain to me why she feels that way - and just how does she stop you from introducing your new lady to your daughter? or do you just not do it out of respect for her (your ex) feelings?

my husband and i split up when my daughter was 11 - she's now 24 - she and i have always had a very close relationship and i never had any problem when her father introduced her to someone he was seeing ~

Yes I have talked to her - at length and often

As is a common suggestion in the answers received so far she:
a. Is concerned that there will be another "mummy" on the scene. As far as I'm concenred my daughter has 1 mummy and she'll never be confused with anyone else.

b. She stops me by encouraging my daughter to be negative about the prospect when it is raised with her, however when she stays with me she is always asking about by g/fs pictures, wht she does and has even said she would like to meet her. When g/f is around my daughter strangely is always busy. Although it is true that I'm also sensitive to everyone's feelings and although a difficult situation there is no need to hurt anyone any more than can be helped.

c. I wouldn't ever even think about introducing her to someone who wasn't long term.

So far you've all been very helpful. Thank you

 

[princess4u]

to me it sounds like your ex has managed to really put your daughter in the middle - and that is a real shame - no child should be burdened with the emotions of an adult

she will always feel she owes her loyalty to her mom - and when she admires or inquires about your present g/f it's the "child" in her slipping out - she lets her guard down for a bit - but when she has time to consider, she remembers her allegiance to her mom and withdraws again

i can understand your ex feeling threatened - especially if she has no s/o in her life at the moment - been there, had those feelings - but it just isn't right for her to inflict her insecurities on your daughter - this is a delicate situation - life is so complex

perhaps you could arrange a brief "chance" meeting that doesn't look staged - between your g/f and your daughter - just to break the ice - then maybe your daughter wouldn't feel she was betraying her mom ~