A Sensitive Subject

[freshface]

So sometimes it really IS about her...

I can't speak for anyone else, but my first time was with a much more experienced man. He was so worried about hurting me/making it special/getting me ready that he had a hard time staying hard enough to do anything. Our second time was much better...

 

[christabelll]

not to mention said impotence when coupled by premature ejaculation when able to get it up. To have Both ends of the spectrum within one person - no amount of understanding or support stops how the recipient feels entirely inadequate and dissappointed. And the ole pep talk of wow he get SOoo excited....or I know he's been stressed doesnt work any more. And after a while - hormones not withstanding - it becomes why fucking bother.


Working on getting back to gotta try something else!

 

[togitc]

So sometimes it really IS about her...

It's not like she was to blame.

She was very open with sex, she felt a physical connection was easier than an emotional one and until then I had always put physical affection with an emotional attachment. It was confusing and it boiled down to a lack of communication. I didn't want to miss a chance but I was nervous about being with her and thought I could just ignore it and go on.

not to mention said impotence when coupled by premature ejaculation when able to get it up. To have Both ends of the spectrum within one person - no amount of understanding or support stops how the recipient feels entirely inadequate and dissappointed. And the ole pep talk of wow he get SOoo excited....or I know he's been stressed doesnt work any more. And after a while - hormones not withstanding - it becomes why fucking bother.


Working on getting back to gotta try something else!

I had the opposite problem, once things were good to go I couldn't get off. It was nice at first but then it got really frustrating.

 

[WRJames]

One of the things I love about baseball is that it is the most carefully measured of human activities. We can see how players have hot streaks and slumps. It's very easily observed.

People have sexual slumps the same way. No one can explain why a batter who was consistently hitting the cover off the ball two weeks ago now coudn't make contact with a beach ball. Are sexual ups and downs (so to speak) going to be easier to deal with?

My wife and I have probably had sex close to fifteen thousand times by now -- we still mess it up fairly often. As for this particular problem -- probably every male has had a bout of it, now and then. It might be fatigue. It might be the position you are using. It might be an unexpressed conflict -- an unfulfilled fantasy. Or it might just be one of those slumps we have because we are human and things don't always happen the way we expect them to.

 

[deathlynx]

Oh, I have quite a bit of experience with psychological impotence...After years of being backstage in theater when women were changing right in the halls I learned subconsciously not to become aroused simply by seeing a naked, or nearly naked woman...

 

[Huckleman2000]

So sometimes it really IS about her...

I'd say yes and no.
I hope this isn't 'too close to home', but I remember when my ex-wife was near the end of her pregnancy, when my future son was too big to comfortably work around while having sex. Her most comfortable position was on top, which I normally love, but in this case seemed to make her belly the whole focal point of the act for me. And it wasn't that she was unattractive, really. It's just that when I'd try to let my mind drift near an orgasm, it would drift instead to my fears and doubts about becoming a parent. And that shut me right down, because sex is, of course, what got me into the unexpected situation in the first place.

My son wasn't planned, and his mother and I had only just started living together. She didn't "oops" me, not consciously anyway, but she hadn't exactly been entirely honest with me either. Nevertheless, we were excited and happy and hopeful and dedicated to each other, and optimistic about our future as parents, and certain of the beauty of our developing child.

Whatever pregnancy is like for a woman, at least everyone is looking out for her and supporting her. For a man, it's very different. At first it's great. Her tits get big, she gets a rosy glow, you both like sex, and you don't worry about birth control. But things start to change fast. Suddenly, you're responsible for a lot more stuff that she can't do, like you're responsible for painting the baby's room, and she can't help because of the fumes, and you need to carry everything, and her body is making her crazy as fuck, and you need to deal with insurance salesmen. All another guy will tell you is, "This is nothing. Wait'll she has the kid..." It's like my wife gradually became a volcano, set to erupt and change the landscape of my life nine months from "I'm not sure exactly when...", along with random mini-eruptions along the way. I didn't know as much about women then as I do now, but I for sure knew that you don't bring up your fears and self-doubts about fatherhood to a woman in her third trimester of hormonal hell. You're supposed to be The Dad. So I did what we all thought I was supposed to do, and simply buried my anxiety.

Anxiety will not stay buried. Anxiety with a sexual component can fuck up your sex life, even if you don't make the conscious connection.

So I went limp in my wife's eighth month because, like her belly, my anxiety had only grown larger, and the source of it was kicking it's way down to her vagina. I could see it, and feel it, even if I couldn't put a face or even a gender on it. As much as I wanted to love it, and I did love it, it'd already become what it would be for the next few years of its life: a boner-killer.

What can a man do with those feelings? I was ashamed to even have them, let alone express them. If I got anywhere near talking about them with my wife, they were so toxic that I feared she would accuse me of not really wanting to be a father, or not finding her attractive, or hating the baby over something as trivial and selfish as wanting to get off, and so I piled guilt on top of the anxiety. Because there was just a kernal of truth in all those things, though they were not the whole truth.

Sometimes being a man just sucks.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

Sometimes being a man just sucks.

 

[LadyKiki]

not to mention said impotence when coupled by premature ejaculation when able to get it up. To have Both ends of the spectrum within one person - no amount of understanding or support stops how the recipient feels entirely inadequate and dissappointed. And the ole pep talk of wow he get SOoo excited....or I know he's been stressed doesnt work any more. And after a while - hormones not withstanding - it becomes why fucking bother.


Working on getting back to gotta try something else!

YES YES YES

 

[Huckleman2000]

Oh, I have quite a bit of experience with psychological impotence...After years of being backstage in theater when women were changing right in the halls I learned subconsciously not to become aroused simply by seeing a naked, or nearly naked woman...

I don't know if I would call this psychological impotence. I would call it not being a creep.

I don't want to be the guy walking around stiff at the nude beach, y'know?

 

[Boota]

I just had my first bout with impotence of any kind last month. I've only been married since October and my wife has huge self-esteem issues concerning sex because of her worthless ex. He had erection problems, but always told her it was because she was either a)too fat b)not pretty enough c)too blonde d) whatever else he could come up with to deflect any problem onto her.

I'm 39, but in the past few years it's been more like I'm 14. Except with really good control. So when I lost an erection during sex a month ago all of her issues she thought were gone came crashing down. Of course, after her reaction - anger, frustration, feelings of rejection - it wasn't coming back that night. It happened again a couple days later and she basically got mad and defensive, causing even more problems.

The root of the cause was actually physical, but her attitude turned a rest break into a screeching halt. A few days later I learned I was coming down with a fairly severe flu. (I don't get the mild ones at all.) I was also just completely exhausted. I work about seventeen to nineteen hours a day and until recently my last day off was in June. I got some rest, got over the flu, and proved myself the next time. My psychological problem was actually as much hers.

 

[alyxen]

A sensitive subject, probably for both genders...

but I'd like to hear some real responses, if you're willing to share.

I'm wondering about psychological impotence in men... When everything physical has been ruled out, and it's actually just during intercourse. If it's masturbation, or even manual stimulation from a woman, everything works fine. Seems to be a performance anxiety thing, right?

Anyone else run into this problem? (Or have a "friend" who has? ) How did you handle it? How did you feel about it? What do you think "caused" it in the first place? What do you think the issue was? Women, have your men ever experienced this? How did you feel about it? What did you do about it?

When I have had problems with this, it has been due to over-thinking and worrying too much. Can be easy to get over, but can also be difficult under pressure.

 

[Vermilion]

Reminds me of 'Coupling' - 'The Melty Man Cometh'
Link if you want to watch it

The Melty Man is the "arch-enemy of trouser confidence", causing men to lose their erections when they are in bed with a woman, by making them think too much about what they are doing and if they are doing it right. Jeff describes him in The Melty Man Cometh as "The arch enemy of trouser confidence, Professor Moriarty in groin form, Darth Vader... without the helmet."

According to Jeff and Steve who, uniquely, agrees with Jeff about this character, you can't say his name, or even think about him, without him coming to "do his evil work inside your terrified pants".

Hubby watches that episode half-laughing and half-nervous in case just watching it incurs the undesired result.

And I can understand your wife's response a bit, Boota - it does feel like a criticism when your man can't get it up, but especially if you've had a scummy ex in your past telling you it's because you're not attractive enough. Been there, done that. I hope she comes to realise that it really wasn't ever her.

x
V

 

[deathlynx]

I don't know if I would call this psychological impotence. I would call it not being a creep.

I don't want to be the guy walking around stiff at the nude beach, y'know?

If it were just in those particular settings then I would certainly agree, however in my case it transcends anti-creep mind control...Even when it's a question of intent...

 

[OneLustyWench]

A sensitive subject, probably for both genders...

but I'd like to hear some real responses, if you're willing to share.

I'm wondering about psychological impotence in men... When everything physical has been ruled out, and it's actually just during intercourse. If it's masturbation, or even manual stimulation from a woman, everything works fine. Seems to be a performance anxiety thing, right?

Anyone else run into this problem? (Or have a "friend" who has? ) How did you handle it? How did you feel about it? What do you think "caused" it in the first place? What do you think the issue was? Women, have your men ever experienced this? How did you feel about it? What did you do about it?

Men typically complain that the "wife/mother" has no interest at times. It is a lot psychological and part physical. Stress, fatigue, perceived impressions about post baby bodies and other items can all combine to make a very toxic cocktail to intercourse/lovemaking/desire.

You have to have the energy and drive for it and your head in the right place. Sometimes it has nothing to do with who you are with, but where you really are.

 

[midwestyankee]

Men typically complain that the "wife/mother" has no interest at times. It is a lot psychological and part physical. Stress, fatigue, perceived impressions about post baby bodies and other items can all combine to make a very toxic cocktail to intercourse/lovemaking/desire.

You have to have the energy and drive for it and your head in the right place. Sometimes it has nothing to do with who you are with, but where you really are.

Indeed, when our first-born arrived I spent a few months with almost no libido at home. However, I was teaching lit and composition to 19 and 20 year olds at the time and I can report that halter tops do, indeed, affect men in the intended manner.