a sci-fi work in progress..

[bluerains]

any ideas will be added ..as I go along in this adventure of illusion...and
Elysian Fields..

on the thirteenth floor
came a rushing wind

Plasma thoughts
winding through
a dark room

paralyzed in fear
she was stolen
away in her
night shirt
moving through
closed glass doors
toward a dark surf

vapors trails
suspended her
spirit
screaming
silently as
as tides
raged
.
held within powerful
pillars
she spotted
a phantom sun
rising from a
swollen sea

soft current set her
down on a platform
image of a dolphin

into the center
of a disk with
pale pink crystals
her appearance
was placed

As she fell through
the colored prisms
she danced in
energy igniting
blue rivers of flame
in beaming plasma
bursts
she knew this place..

with
its distant hums
still stiring arcane
echos of yesteryear

spiraling death
chants
still mark the
path to fields
born from orchid
orbs

 

[BooMerengue]

I love it- keep it going!

 

[bluerains]

oh goody bo!

I love it- keep it going!

this is my first attempt at a long write...am in practice mode...need help building confidence in relating a tale..help...a haiku freak...

 

[My Erotic Tale]

this is my first attempt at a long write...am in practice mode...need help building confidence in relating a tale..help...a haiku freak...

The Deep Coils
with-in the mind unravel
and spring forth

<grin> (~_*)

awesom write blue,
supendouslyfuturistclyexcellent begining <smile>

 

[bluerains]

cont.

on the thirteenth floor
came a rushing wind

Plasma thoughts
winding through
a dark room

paralyzed in fear
she was stolen
away in her
night shirt
moving through
closed glass doors
toward a dark surf

vapors trails
suspended her
spirit
screaming
silently as
as tides
raged

held within powerful
pillars
she spotted
a phantom sun
rising from a
swollen sea

soft current set her
down on a platform
image of a dolphin

into the center
of a disk with
pale pink crystals
her appearance
was placed

falling through
colored prisms
dancing in
energy ignited by
blue rivers of flame
in beaming plasma
bursts
she knew this place..

with
its distant hums
still stiring arcane
echos of yesteryear

spiraling death
chants
still mark the
path to fields
born from orchid
orbs

She remembers
he who dwells
beneath patterns
of desire and wisdom

turning diagonal pendulum
with slanted sphinx eyes
tapping wind chimes in beat

he had assembled her here
forged by his blue blood
in his image descending,
bleeding through braids of blue

 

[My Erotic Tale]

a creation in progress, extremely interesting...<grin>

 

[bluerains]

tis

a creation in progress, extremely interesting...<grin>

a first epic like tale...the hardest thing for me is keeping the train of thougt for these type of writes...even reading them...tis why I can't do reviews and such..I tend to shun long pens...terrible I know...am workin on it...blue

 

[bluerains]

edit

thanks quietpoet
for the advice about dancing being to postive... here is an edit of that verse...

 

[bluerains]

cont.

to many chains

 

[quietpoet]

I like this a lot... I changed a couple of words here, but I don't think the poem is complete... There is a lot of beginning and body but the conclusion drops off way too fast... Great start Blue!!!

on the thirteenth floor
came a rushing wind

Plasma thoughts
winding through
a dark room

paralyzed in fear
she was stolen
away in her
night shirt
moving through
closed glass doors
toward a dark surf

vapors trails
suspended her
spirit
screaming
silently as
as tides raged

held within powerful
pillars
she spotted
a phantom sun
rising from a
swollen sea

soft current set her
down on a platformed
image of a dolphin

into the center
of a disk with
pale pink crystals
her appearance
was placed

rushing headlong
into perilous prisms
energy ignited by
blue rivers of flame
quicken neurons
in beaming plasma
bursts
she knew this place..

with
its distant hums
still stiring arcane
echos of yesteryear

spiraling death
chants
still mark the
path to fields
born from orchid
orbs

She remembers
he who dwells
beneath patterns
of desire and wisdom
turning diagonal pendulum
with slanted sphinx eyes
tapping wind chimes in beat

he had assembled her here
forged from shelter blue swirls
in his image descending,
bleeding through braids of
heavenly light
intergalactic energy minds
collide and she clones
the beauty of his dream

 

[twelveoone]

on the thirteenth floor
came a rushing wind

Plasma thoughts
winding through
a dark room

paralyzed in fear
she was stolen
away in her
night shirt
moving through
closed glass doors
toward a dark surf

vapors trails
suspended her
spirit
screaming
silently as
as tides
raged

held within powerful
pillars
she spotted
a phantom sun
rising from a
swollen sea

soft current set her
down on a platform
image of a dolphin

into the center
of a disk with
pale pink crystals
her appearance
was placed

rushing headlong
into perilous prisms
energy ignited by
blue rivers of flame
quicken neurons
in beaming plasma
bursts
she knew this place..

with
its distant hums
still stiring arcane
echos of yesteryear

spiraling death
chants
still mark the
path to fields
born from orchid
orbs

She remembers
he who dwells
beneath patterns
of desire and wisdom
turning diagonal pendulum
with slanted sphinx eyes
tapping wind chimes in beat

he had assembled her here
forged from shelter blue swirls
in his image descending,
bleeding through braids of
heavenly light
intergalactic energy minds
collide and she clones
the beauty of his dream

I hope you don't mind these comments:
get rid of the first two lines or bury them elsewhere, but only if you can tie it into something with either 13 or the wind.
You are starting now with plasma thoughts, better than that 13th floor.

Plasma thoughts
winding through
paralyzing fear (I know some object to -ing, here I think it would work; dark room was dropped- way too stock)

she was stolen
away in her
night shirt
moving through
closed glass doors
toward a dark surf (ouch! did she cut herself, on the way out. I would find a better way to say this. Dark surf, I would keep)

You have a lot of P-words, good; careful when you stick them together (porky pig effect)
rushing headlong
into perilous
energy ignited by
blue rivers of flame
quicken neurons
in beaming plasma
bursts
she knew this place..

rushing headlong
into perilous energy
ignited by prisms
blue rivers of flame
quicken neurons
in beaming plasma
bursts
she knew this place..
(energy and prisms shifted here)

BTW this is a great line, without the "he" - the "He who dwells...", unless you are writting Lovecraft...
"He who dwells in the colour from out of space, the ancient one came and throttled my ass, Yarggdroth, the foam on my lips as he grabbed me by the throat, but excuse me, I digress"

She remembers
he who dwells
beneath patterns
of desire and wisdom

Yeh, I work on these lines, set them aside , they are a good start for something else...
She remembers him well
amidst patterns of wisdom

She remembers who dwells
beneath patterns of wisdom
desire

But a word of warning, the problem with fantasy poetry, is that poetry has a tendency to go in that direction anyway, the more fanciful the more you need real things happening

 

[bluerains]

thanks! 1201

I hope you don't mind these comments:
get rid of the first two lines or bury them elsewhere, but only if you can tie it into something with either 13 or the wind.
You are starting now with plasma thoughts, better than that 13th floor.

Plasma thoughts
winding through
paralyzing fear (I know some object to -ing, here I think it would work; dark room was dropped- way too stock)

she was stolen
away in her
night shirt
moving through
closed glass doors
toward a dark surf (ouch! did she cut herself, on the way out. I would find a better way to say this. Dark surf, I would keep)

You have a lot of P-words, good; careful when you stick them together (porky pig effect)
rushing headlong
into perilous
energy ignited by
blue rivers of flame
quicken neurons
in beaming plasma
bursts
she knew this place..

rushing headlong
into perilous energy
ignited by prisms
blue rivers of flame
quicken neurons
in beaming plasma
bursts
she knew this place..
(energy and prisms shifted here)

BTW this is a great line, without the "he" - the "He who dwells...", unless you are writting Lovecraft...
"He who dwells in the colour from out of space, the ancient one came and throttled my ass, Yarggdroth, the foam on my lips as he grabbed me by the throat, but excuse me, I digress"

She remembers
he who dwells
beneath patterns
of desire and wisdom

Yeh, I work on these lines, set them aside , they are a good start for something else...
She remembers him well
amidst patterns of wisdom

She remembers who dwells
beneath patterns of wisdom
desire

But a word of warning, the problem with fantasy poetry, is that poetry has a tendency to go in that direction anyway, the more fanciful the more you need real things happening

you have given me much...am happy to ponder over this wisdom...and change the first verse too...the 13th floor was an actual event..so I am mixing a bit..as I go the real version and the fiction to play...thanks too qp...my wonderful editor...blue

 

[twelveoone]

you have given me much...am happy to ponder over this wisdom...and change the first verse too...the 13th floor was an actual event..so I am mixing a bit..as I go the real version and the fiction to play...thanks too qp...my wonderful editor...blue

By all means keep it then, develop it. I don't think it a good idea to lead with it.
I am so glad you didn't mind. I think sometimes people do not realize the benefit of a contratian comment. We can not see our own blind spots. And we all have them.

 

[bluerains]

well!!

By all means keep it then, develop it. I don't think it a good idea to lead with it.
I am so glad you didn't mind. I think sometimes people do not realize the benefit of a contratian comment. We can not see our own blind spots. And we all have them.

its not that I must keep it in the end but, I think I need it as a center point of where I began in mixing real with illusion...and I really want your feedback as this kind of work is a slow process for me...am a pattern person...is why I like 575 or tanka...is structure and small...I can pack lots in small area ..this form is hard for me so any help ...I really am grateful...u r trfic...blue

 

[bluerains]

with help of 1201

too many chains

 

[twelveoone]

blue, do you mind, if I fool around with this on Sunday? I know it is not in the "not for the thin-skinned thread" But I would like to play around with it, when I have a block of time.

 

[bluerains]

would luv it..

blue, do you mind, if I fool around with this on Sunday? I know it is not in the "not for the thin-skinned thread" But I would like to play around with it, when I have a block of time.

this write is a practice for me and all in fun...have at it...it helps me to see my mistakes as well...and I rarely have a thin skin...so crack that whip....wink..wink

 

[bluerains]

Plasma thoughts
winding through
paralyzing fear

 

[My Erotic Tale]

I've been blue
with out you
I've been blue
and I thnked her.
I've been blue
when I read her poem today.
I've been blue
in uniform
I've been blue
when I painted and spilled it.
I've been blue
that ole hound dog
I've been blue
with out you!

 

[My Erotic Tale]

Plasma thoughts
winding through
paralyzing fear

she was stolen
away cast from
her terrace
toward a dark surf

vapor trails
suspended her
spirit
screaming
silently as
as tides
raged

held within powerful
pillars
she spotted
a phantom sun
rising from a
swollen sea

soft current set her
down on a platform
image of a dolphin

into the center
of a disk with
pale pink crystals
her appearance
was placed

rushing headlong
into perilous energy
ignited by prisms
blue rivers of flame
quicken neurons
in beaming plasma
bursts
she knew this place..

with
its distant hums
still stiring arcane
echos of yesteryear

spiraling death
chants
still mark the
path to fields
born from orchid
orbs

markings spark
old patterns of his
memory in mocked
desire and wisdom
turning diagonal pendulum
with slanted sphinx eyes
tapping wind chimes in beat

she’d been assembled here
forged from shelter blue swirls
in his image descending,
bleeding through braids of
heavenly light

intergalactic energy minds
collide as she clones
his spawn to animation
a protean soliloquy
claims her realm
as she owns his dream
once again

wow...awesome <grin>

 

[twelveoone]

Short Burst

Etymology: German, from Late Latin, something molded, from Greek, from plassein to mold -- more at PLASTER
1 : a green faintly translucent quartz
2 [New Latin, from Late Latin] a : the fluid part of blood, lymph, or milk as distinguished from suspended material b : the juice that can be expressed from muscle
3 : PROTOPLASM
4 : a collection of charged particles (as in the atmospheres of stars or in a metal) containing about equal numbers of positive ions and electrons and exhibiting some properties of a gas but differing from a gas in being a good conductor of electricity and in being affected by a magnetic field

2 entries found for plasma.
Main Entry: blood
Part of Speech: noun 1
Definition: fluid
Synonyms: claret, clot, cruor, gore, hemoglobin, juice, plasma, vital fluid
Source: Roget's New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.1.1)
Copyright © 2005 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

Main Entry: flesh
Part of Speech: noun 1
Definition: tissue
Synonyms: beef, body, brawn, cells, corpuscles, fat, fatness, food, meat, muscle, plasm, plasma, protoplasm, skin, weight
Source: Roget's New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.1.1)
Copyright © 2005 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

blue, what I read of this, the center of the poem revovles around Def. #3&4
plama(2) +plasmate
other references
intergalactic energy, blue rivers of flame, protean
Def.2 bleeding

A blending of the meanings gives us a living electricity, a flow, a fluid, a charge.
With that in mind, lets take this section apart, and rearrage it. You want to have a unifying consistency of words

she’d been assembled here
forged from shelter blue swirls
in his image descending,
bleeding through braids of
heavenly light

through braids of light bled
she'd been forged from blue swirls
in his image descent
in the (either shelter or heavens) of (use the other word); insert his, where ever you wish

Note: I threw out assembled, I don't think you want a mechanistic word in this.
What do you think?
Consider also the meaning (to you) of dolphin, orchid, death chants
Be back Sunday

 

[bluerains]

new adds

too many chains
____________

 

[quietpoet]

winding through
paralyzing fear

she was stolen
away cast from
her terrace
toward a dark surf

vapor trails
suspended her
spirit
screaming
silently as
as tides
raged

held within powerful
pillars
she spotted
a phantom sun
rising from a
swollen sea

soft current set her
down on a platform
image of a dolphin

into the center
of a disk with
pale pink crystals
her appearance
was placed

rushing headlong
into perilous energy
ignited by prisms
blue rivers of flame
quicken neurons
in beaming plasma
bursts
she knew this place..

with
its distant hums
still stirring arcane
echoes of yesteryear

spiraling death
chants
still mark the
path to fields
born from Orbs
and Orcha

markings spark
old patterns of his
awareness in mocked
desire and wisdom
turning diagonal pendulum
with slanted sphinx eyes
tapping wind chimes in beat

through braids of light bled
she'd been forged from blue swirls
in his image descent
figments enshrined
in shadowed memory

intergalactic energy minds
collide as she clones
his spawn to animation
a protean soliloquy
claims her realm


waves rising from
the deep in curls
of kelp unlock
the caged voice
ancestors hum
in rhythm

moving beyond
colors of earth
and sky
to feel the hunger
and loose the
hands of her
stone cutter


why had she been
lead to eden unburned
by the heat of tomorrow
or frozen by memories
of yesterday

awakened by the side
of a cold sea
pulse raging
inside her head
skin naked in
the dawns mist

images of winged
birds wrap around
her bruised shoulders
vigilant yet vacant

a hologram of hope
flickers in an old relic
locked in desire
of her movement
his maleness
revived with
attainment

I would just eliminate that line. I'm not sure about attainment at the end... what is attained?

 

[bluerains]

qp what do you think!!

too many chains

 

[quietpoet]

Getting there!

I love the ending, however the middle needs more! I also would change one of the "still"s you have beginning sentence to something different. This is going to be one awesome tome!