A Relationship

[Felix_Jones]

This may seem disingenuous, or at the very least immature, but I've never been in a relationship. At least not in the way that I hear described in media and by my friends. Like I've never been 'with' someone. So what do you get out of it? It doesn't seem worth the risk to me (i.e. losing the freedom, the financial implications, etc.). Is it as they say the victory of horny over smart? And does not having been in one by the time you're in your thirties make one incapable of being in a relationship?

 

[unregistered]

 

[MisterSir]

This may seem disingenuous, or at the very least immature, but I've never been in a relationship. At least not in the way that I hear described in media and by my friends. Like I've never been 'with' someone. So what do you get out of it? It doesn't seem worth the risk to me (i.e. losing the freedom, the financial implications, etc.). Is it as they say the victory of horny over smart? And does not having been in one by the time you're in your thirties make one incapable of being in a relationship?

If you seriously believe that, I question what your concept of a relationship is.

 

[sunandshadow]

A lot of people love living with another person even when there is no sex involved, so it's not just about horniness. Sometimes best friends or adult siblings or cousins live in a house together because they enjoy each others' company and having someone to eat dinner with and sharing the chores. If you never feel pure pleasure in just hanging out with someone, then you probably would not enjoy being 'with' someone.

 

[DoriSmiles]

Obviously its different for a lot of people but i believe that being in a relationship can be just as thirlling as being in casual relationships. I love the feeling that my heart lays in my guys hands, and that he holds it so dearly. That i can trust him with absolutley anything, and he would still love me to the end. The thrill of experiencing all different kinds of things with him, and to go home at the end of the day and know that i could fuck him senseless, or i could just cuddle with him.
I understand the want to have your own space, which every relationship should have, but i also know the feeling of wanting something so intense that trying to explain my love for him could make me explode in more ways than one.
I would say relationship are amazing, if you can find the right person, then hold on for dear life and enjoy the ride my friend.
x

 

[coastal-boy]

I can only speak for myself. No guts no glory. Relationships are hard. But they can be so fucking worth it and in my opinion, are worth the risk. I do not believe I exist because of my direct self worth...I am not going to discover the cure for cancer. But indirectly, I affect the lives of many and I would like to think favorably. This is my reason for existence. And it is through relationships that this happens. I have lived alone for almost 10 years and I told everyone I was happy doing so. It wasn't until I found myself in a new relationship (one that I was not looking for) that I realized how unhappy I really was. One does not ask the question if they do not somewhere wonder what the answer is.

 

[LiFeNdEaTh]

felix jones.... GO DALLAS!

 

[Pandora73]

I can only speak for myself. No guts no glory. Relationships are hard. But they can be so fucking worth it and in my opinion, are worth the risk. I do not believe I exist because of my direct self worth...I am not going to discover the cure for cancer. But indirectly, I affect the lives of many and I would like to think favorably. This is my reason for existence. And it is through relationships that this happens. I have lived alone for almost 10 years and I told everyone I was happy doing so. It wasn't until I found myself in a new relationship (one that I was not looking for) that I realized how unhappy I really was. One does not ask the question if they do not somewhere wonder what the answer is.

Quoted for truth. Totally agree.

(Except I still haven't found that relationship yet!)

 

[Felix_Jones]

Thanks!

JtohisPB:
Thanks for the greeat insight. I guess it takes all kinds, but I tend to disagree with your last point: I don't see people as wonderfully different. People are blandly, insipidly, ignorantly the same.

MisterSir:
I don't have a concept, that's why I posed the question.

sunandshadow:
I like hanging out with people but not for chores, or eat dinner with etc. So your last point might be dead on.

DoriSmiles:
I find that kind of trust puzzling, especially since betrayal is so common. Besides, I imagine that people in relationships still keep things from each other. No?

coastal-boy:
Maybe happiness is elusive. I can't say that I live my life in a constant state of ecstacy, but life's pretty good. Thanks for posting.

LiFeNdEaTh:
Yeah I know, what are the odds? I've been using this fake name for something like 15 years, who knew some running back from Arkansas would make it big with the same name.

Thanks all for posting. By no means am I intending to end this thread. Everybody please feel free to post.

 

[LiFeNdEaTh]

lol, no problem..

 

[Reba67]

I spent most of my 20s "looking" for the right relationship. At times, I was almost panicked about "finding someone". It wasn't until I was 29 and finally admitted to myself that as much as I wanted to get married, I was very happy as a single person right now.

It was only a few weeks later when a long time friend asked me to dinner and now we are madly in love. Not married yet, but I expect we will be.

 

[CWatson]

It sounds to me like you just haven't found the right person yet. The who and the what of what you're attracted to can be a very complex and tricky subject. My parents are both of the Baby Boom generation, but they didn't get married unti they were in their thirties; they were, by their own admission, late bloomers. Maybe you are too.

What you get out of it is a sense of community and continuation. Human beings are social animals; we want to affiliate with others of our kind. That's why we seek out clubs and social circles filled with people who share our interests and hobbies; not only do we get intellectual and emotional stimulation there, but we become part of something that's larger than ourselves. And the best of these groups are greater than the sum of their parts.

Furthermore, in a relationship, you get a number of other handy benefits:

1. You get someone who is there for you unconditionally. This can be really nice: it's a comforting, and confidence-instilling, feeling to know that, no matter what happens, there is someone who will always be on your side.
2. You get (or can get) the comfort of physical intimacy. We're on a sex site, so obviously there's that; but there's also just getting a hug when you want one. As someone who needs several hugs a day and has managed to fill about 1% of that quota ever, I can tell you this can be a big deal.
3. You get, as mentioned, to be part of something greater than yourself. You and your sig.other / spouse are building something together. This is where love comes in: now you have a reason for your life. You're not just living only the tawdry and shallow existence someone who is merely here, biding their time; you have purpose. You have something higher and more important to aspire to: specifically, your spouse / sig.other, their happiness, and your happiness through that.

I'm not sure if I'm explaining any of this correctly. I've never had to ask this question before; my life is not about me, and never has been. Obviously, that's not a perspective we share. But this is simply how I see it.

 

[littlebabyclit]

So what do you get out of it? It doesn't seem worth the risk to me (i.e. losing the freedom, the financial implications, etc.). Is it as they say the victory of horny over smart? And does not having been in one by the time you're in your thirties make one incapable of being in a relationship?

One always gets something out of being in a relationship or they wouldn't be in it. An alternate question may be, do you need to be in a relationship to get what you want?

Unlike what someone else said, I don't believe there is one relationship that exists that isn't conditional and subject to dissolution should the unwritten or apparent conditions be violated.
So you cannot count on relationships lasting forever, but you can be pleasantly surprised and grateful if any do.

Secondly, consistent physical intimacy is no guarantee just because you get into a relationship. Ask any married person.

Yes, I very much think some people do get into relationships as a result of horny over smart.

And lastly, if you're one of the smart ones who hasn't bought into the cultural hype of getting into a relationship as the Holy Grail of ideals, consider yourself maybe a little unusual yet very lucky. Don't let the sheeple (of the world) make you think otherwise.

(No offense intended to anyone who promotes relationships.)

 

[kaycee217]

One always gets something out of being in a relationship or they wouldn't be in it. An alternate question may be, do you need to be in a relationship to get what you want?

Unlike what someone else said, I don't believe there is one relationship that exists that isn't conditional and subject to dissolution should the unwritten or apparent conditions be violated.
So you cannot count on relationships lasting forever, but you can be pleasantly surprised and grateful if any do.

Secondly, consistent physical intimacy is no guarantee just because you get into a relationship. Ask any married person.

Yes, I very much think some people do get into relationships as a result of horny over smart.

And lastly, if you're one of the smart ones who hasn't bought into the cultural hype of getting into a relationship as the Holy Grail of ideals, consider yourself maybe a little unusual yet very lucky. Don't let the sheeple (of the world) make you think otherwise.

(No offense intended to anyone who promotes relationships.)

I approve this message!

(not that it needs my approval or anything...)

 

[bailadora]

So what do you get out of it?

Love
Trust
Respect
Emotional and physical intimacy
Acceptance - he knows my deepest, darkest desires and fears and loves me anyway
Tolerance of each other's quirks
Knowing he has my back and I have his
A sense of being a team, since we share commonality of purpose and goals and we work together to achieve them

It doesn't seem worth the risk to me (i.e. losing the freedom, the financial implications, etc.).

You and your partner (or potential partner) can structure your relationship any way you want. If you don't want to combine your financial resources, then don't. If you want personal space to do certain things or see other people, negotiate that as part of the relationship. As long as both of you are happy with the parameters you both establish, who's to say "you iz doin' it wrong"?

DoriSmiles: I find that kind of trust puzzling, especially since betrayal is so common. Besides, I imagine that people in relationships still keep things from each other. No?

Betrayal can come from any direction, whether it be from a lover, a friend, or a coworker. It's part of the risk you take being out and about as part of society. Trust is something that takes time to build. You give a little of yourself and when you see that the other person holds that part of you carefully, then you give a bit more. That's not to say misunderstandings don't still happen because we are only human. But I know my husband well enough to trust that he would never intentionally hurt or betray me.

I don't reveal every thought I have to my husband, but by the same token, I don't keep anything from him that I feel is important or critical to our relationship. The conversations aren't always the most fun or comfortable but are necessary to keep us on track.

Relationships are hard. But they can be so fucking worth it and in my opinion, are worth the risk.

Quoted for truth. I've always said it's easier to get into a relationship than it is to remain in one. Once the new and the shiny wears off, you have the reality of your partner in all of his/her beautiful and ugly glory. Maintaining and feeding the relationship can be fucking hard work, no doubt about it. My husband and I are heading towards our 22nd year as a couple and we've had some major highs and some major lows. That said, if I knew then what I know now about how our lives would turn out, I'd choose him all over again.

Secondly, consistent physical intimacy is no guarantee just because you get into a relationship. Ask any married person.

I'm assuming you're equating physical initmacy with sex? If so, I respectfully disagree with your definition. IMO, sex is part of physical intimacy, but not the totality of it. To me, it also includes hugs, kisses, cuddling, the gentle stroke of hair, the covert and wicked pat on the ass and all the other myriad gestures of affection that are interspersed through the fabric of our lives, regardless of how sexually turned on or off we may be feeling in that moment.

 

[LaRocha]

I think it's pretty obvious why a man would want to be in a relationship. If you're a guy and you like girls you get weekly entrance to vagina world. It doesn't matter how good your game is, if you're single you won't get a ticket to vagina enjoyment as often as the married and committed folk. All that other stuff about friendship and partnership is fine, but the only reason anyone in their 20s is in a relationship is because it guarantees them access to that crevice or crevasse between a girl's thighs.

Girls get in relationships for all sorts of reasons, I don't have any answer to your question if you're female. I knew a girl who got a live in boyfriend because she didn't have a car and needed a ride to her job everyday. It's just about barter, man, until you get all old like 32, then it's about status. If you don't have wife, children, solid profession by 35, you're basically a failure. Sorry.

 

[littlebabyclit]

Thank you, kaycee, for your seal of approval !

Yes, you are right, Bailadora, physical intimacy includes all that you said. I still stand by my opinion that being in a relationship is no guarantee to consistency of physical intimacy.

And, wow, LaRocha, I thought *I* was the cynical one ! Dude, you out-cynicized me with that post.

(I have no idea if "out-cynicized" is or should even be a word...)

 

[Felix_Jones]

Failure?

I think it's pretty obvious why a man would want to be in a relationship. If you're a guy and you like girls you get weekly entrance to vagina world. It doesn't matter how good your game is, if you're single you won't get a ticket to vagina enjoyment as often as the married and committed folk. All that other stuff about friendship and partnership is fine, but the only reason anyone in their 20s is in a relationship is because it guarantees them access to that crevice or crevasse between a girl's thighs.

Girls get in relationships for all sorts of reasons, I don't have any answer to your question if you're female. I knew a girl who got a live in boyfriend because she didn't have a car and needed a ride to her job everyday. It's just about barter, man, until you get all old like 32, then it's about status. If you don't have wife, children, solid profession by 35, you're basically a failure. Sorry.

Newton, Einstein, Tessla, DesCartes, Plato, DaVinci, Machiavelli, Shakespeare, the list is huge: these are guys who by 35 failed to meet your criteria for success, yet changed the world in immesurable ways. So I don't buy your argument. It's this notion, and prodding from relatives and friends that made me want to ask the original question. I'm starting to seriously think that a relationship is an impediment to success, not that I'm postulating theories on gravitation or anything.

 

[sunandshadow]

A lot of people define having kids as a necessary element of success, in which case it's kind of important to have a relationship, unless you have the money to hire a surrogate and be a single parent. Even then, if you didn't want to have a relationship with the kid it would be a mess.

If you define success in business, scientific, or artistic terms instead then yeah, time spent on a relationship is probably time spent away from your chosen field.

I'm kinda puzzled by your list though. Einstein and Shakespeare both married and had children. Shakespeare had 2 major romantic relationships, one with a woman and one with a man, which are recorded in his sonnets. DaVinci lived for 30 years with a male artist who was publicly gay; DaVinci himself was not publicly gay, but evidence suggests he was privately so. Tesla was not %100 sane (he was sick and depressive throughout his life and was described as not following the most basic rules of hygiene) so it's not surprising he didn't have a basic comprehension of socialization - he apparently didn't have any friends either. Descartes had a relationship and a daughter with a servant girl. It's questionable whether Newton was gay, but he had an "intimate friend" and after this friend left town Newton had a nervous breakdown.

 

[LaRocha]

Newton, Einstein, Tessla, DesCartes, Plato, DaVinci, Machiavelli, Shakespeare, the list is huge: these are guys who by 35 failed to meet your criteria for success, yet changed the world in immesurable ways. So I don't buy your argument. It's this notion, and prodding from relatives and friends that made me want to ask the original question. I'm starting to seriously think that a relationship is an impediment to success, not that I'm postulating theories on gravitation or anything.

Wait, by the age of twenty-five Einstein had a wife, kid, and basically had already published the work he'd receive a Nobel Prize for. Not much data on Plato. Shakespeare was married at age 18, probably wrote some of his greatest works before thirty.

Right around age twenty-six Newton creates calculus, sure he never married. Descartes had a kid with his lover/servant in his mid-thirties, did all his work in optics in his twenties. Sure DaVinci was gay, though he did marry and have kids, I don't know what he was up to. Tesla's the only guy you've got listed who never married, claimed to be asexual because his bride was invention and all that.

I guess I'm in good company if I say, if you haven't accomplished something by thirty-five, you're pretty much done. Wife and kids are pretty important to the greatest thinkers ever, seems like you should take that into consideration.

That's what I thought, Machiavelli is married and has a professional court position before he's thirty-five. You might think, could some of these guys have even gotten by without a wife? Nabokov is notorious for how much he relies on Vera for pretty much every one of his books.

 

[Felix_Jones]

I was wrong about Shakespeare and Einstein, still seems like their success happened despite marriage (i.e. relationships).

 

[kaycee217]

This may seem disingenuous, or at the very least immature, but I've never been in a relationship. At least not in the way that I hear described in media and by my friends. Like I've never been 'with' someone. So what do you get out of it? It doesn't seem worth the risk to me (i.e. losing the freedom, the financial implications, etc.). Is it as they say the victory of horny over smart? And does not having been in one by the time you're in your thirties make one incapable of being in a relationship?

OP,

I don't even know if your question is real or you're just trying to stir up some discussion...either way, I don't really care, but I thought I'd mention something seems a little...off.

I agree, not all relationships are worth the risks/drawbacks. But not all relationships are the same and who's to say a relationship has to require a loss of freedom or that it will have "financial implications?" And is something really a loss of freedom if you want to do it?

Let's say I discover a new hobby and partake in it whenever I have free time. One could say I have lost my freedom - I am "addicted" or compelled to the hobby and all I want to do is engage in it. Does that mean I should avoid my new hobby at all costs or that it's not worth my time to enjoy it?

 

[dangerbee29]

depressed

reading this stuff makes me depressed
i just want to know where/how meet a woman?
bars dont count. Im not really trying to get laid that part is easy!
so wut your saying is i have 6 years to be successfull?
i totaly dont buy that!!!

 

[satindesire]

What loss of freedom are you talking about, exactly? If you're with the right person, you lose NO freedom whatsoever. If you're with a controlling, abusive a-hole, then obviously you don't need to be in that relationship. Common sense, kiddo.

And "financial implications"? This confuses me. Couples who both work make more money than one person who works. 1 plus 1 equals 2, basic math. Again, if you're with the RIGHT PERSON, you'll make -more- money and have more financial freedom than you would alone.

There are a ton of reasons to not be in a relationship, but in my opinion, there are a lot more reasons TO BE IN one.

Love is something that is unquantifiable by human language, so I won't even try. But once you feel it, you'll understand what it's like to want to never leave your love's side, ever again.

 

[dollface007]

In my experience, it's the people you "casually" date who really break your heart, who really make you cynical, who really turn you off to dating. There's a certain lack of respect there, and after a number of years of just dating casually, or not really having a relationship, it can be exhausting.

I don't believe in soul mates and I don't believe that relationships are for everyone, but you won't know if they are for you unless you try. However, don't try unless you can manage some kind of attitude adjustment. The way you describe relationships is so negative that it's going to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy and all of your potential relationships will surely be doomed to fail.