A Real Writing-type Question

[Rumple Foreskin]

Greetings,

I'm finishing a story for Lit and would appreciate a little sage wisdom, counsel, and advice from this learned assembly on the, "best," that is to say, most readable, punctuation for the following paragraph.

The scene is a summer day in a city park. A young couple are "making-out". The girl is engaged, but not to the guy lying beneath her who, at the moment, has one of her breasts in each hand and a pleased expression on his face.

--

"Becky was glad she’d gotten him to come out with her, glad she’d taken him shopping, and glad they’d finally gotten to the park. And now, as she sat astride Tyler’s body, enjoying the feel of his long fingers caressing her smooth flesh, she was even glad they were making out, but she didn't know why; so she decided to just ignore the question and concentrate on enjoying their time together."

--

IMHO, this paragraph could be "correctly" punctuated several different ways. The question is, which one would be the most effective? Any and all suggestions will be appreciated.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Without the benefit of having read the rest of the story, it's difficult to ascertain the right style for this paragraph. The way it is now sounds fine to me, with the possible exception of the last phrase. The use of the semicolon is technically incorrect, and the way I'm reading it, that phrase has too much pivoting potential, so to speak, to be put in such a subaltern position. I don't think it belongs in the same paragraph. With just a little rewording:

Becky was glad she’d gotten him to come out with her, glad she’d taken him shopping, and glad they’d finally gotten to the park. And now, as she sat astride Tyler’s body, enjoying the feel of his long fingers caressing her smooth flesh, she was even glad they were making out. She was glad, but she didn't know why.

She decided to just ignore the question and concentrate on enjoying their time together.

 

[Quiet_Cool]

"Becky was glad she?d gotten him to come out with her, glad she?d taken him shopping, and glad they?d finally gotten to the park. And now, as she sat astride Tyler?s body, enjoying the feel of his long fingers caressing her smooth flesh, she was even glad they were making out, but she didn't know why; so she decided to just ignore the question and concentrate on enjoying their time together."

Rumple Foreskin

You're right, it seems this can be punctuated several ways. My opinion is that perhaps the semi-colon should be pulled and replaced with a comma. "So" acts as a connector, such as "and" or "but" would, and the information in the sentence connects well enough that I think it would escape the fate of becoming a run-on.
Personal note: If I'd have written this, I would have used more words. It just feels for some reason as though the "so she decided...time together..." parts is suddenly interjected. It isn't, now that I read through, but it felt that way when I went through it the first time. I think it's a style thing, a personal preference, but I thought I'd point it out in case I was wrong about that.

 

[Icingsugar]

Here is a slightly incorrect way, but how I'd probably do it.

I am a little biased against the use of ; in a regular prose paragraph, so I got rid of that. Otherwise, some small changes to make breaks where I read them. Which is probably not where anyone else reads them.

---
Becky was glad she’d gotten him to come out with her, glad she’d taken him shopping and glad they’d finally gotten to the park. And now, as she sat astride Tyler’s body, enjoying the feel of his long fingers caressing her smooth flesh, she was even glad they were making out. But she didn't know why, so she decided to just ignore the question and concentrate on enjoying their time together.
---

But what I really wanted to do was to start adding new small words to the mix...

/Ice - punctuationally challenged

 

[Angeline]

"Becky was glad she’d gotten him to come out with her, glad she’d taken him shopping, and glad they’d finally gotten to the park. And now, as she sat astride Tyler’s body, enjoying the feel of his long fingers caressing her smooth flesh, she was even glad they were making out, but she didn't know why; so she decided to just ignore the question and concentrate on enjoying their time together."

RF, I agree with you. I see at least three ways to punctuate this paragraph correctly. Right now you have two complex-compound sentences (i.e., containing both independent and dependent clauses), set off with commas and a semicolon That works. You could also use an em-dash in place of the semicolon, or even a colon and still technically be correct. Then there's Icing's solution, which requires breaking up the second sentence.

I would choose the method that works best with the point you're trying to make. I think that is that Becky has some ambivalence about what she's doing, but decides to go on anyway. As you have it structured, that point--coming at the end of lots of other clauses--maybe doesn't get the emphasis it should.

Therefore I like what Icing suggests because the thought has more impact when it stands on its own. And yes it means starting a sentence with a conjunction, but that's not so bad. Besides, being clear is more important than being punctuationally perfect.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

But what I really wanted to do was to start adding new small words to the mix...

Okay, Ice-man, you've got my "curious" roused. What small words would you add?

I hope other folks will pitch in, but I wanted to say thanks to the Fearsome Foursome for their first-rate suggestions. All four of you seem to be leaning toward making that last phrase some sort of separate sentence.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[MaxSebastian]

I disagree.

I think it has too little pivoting potential for such a subaltern position. I feel the third connective interlocutor from the right should be in conjunction with Sagittarius at this time of year, it's the only feasible aspect. That way, ipso facto, the ambivalent complex-compound nature of the semi-colon's step-father co-ordinates well with the gubernatorial recall in California.

And one "gotten" in a sentence, let alone two, should always be avoided.

"Becky was glad she'd managed to persuade him to come out with her, glad she’d taken him shopping, and glad they’d opted for a break in the park. As she sat astride Tyler’s body, enjoying the feel of his long fingers caressing her smooth flesh, she was glad they were making out, but for some reason didn't know why she felt that way. Still, it was probably best to just ignore that particular question, she decided, and instead concentrate on enjoying their time together."

She didn't know why she was glad they were making out? Surely that's the kind of thing you know why you're glad you're doing it, otherwise you're not glad you're doing it.

 

[Angeline]

Your point depends on how you define glad. People are complicated; she might like what she feels, but have misgivings. That's how I interpreted it, anyway. And forgive my plodding explanation--it's just my way of making sure I'm explaining myself correctly.

You're right about the "gottens." Your catching that illustrates to me the danger of not seeing the big picture while futzing with details.

 

[gauchecritic]

"Becky was glad she’d gotten him to come out with her, glad she’d taken him shopping, and glad they’d finally gotten to the park. And now, as she sat astride Tyler’s body, enjoying the feel of his long fingers caressing her smooth flesh, she was even glad they were making out, but she didn't know why; so she decided to just ignore the question and concentrate on enjoying their time together."

Rumple Foreskin

I'd do it like this:

Becky was glad she'd gotten him to come out with her. She was glad she'd taken him shopping. She was glad too that they'd finally gotten to the park. Now, as she sat astride Tyler's body, enjoying the feel of his long fingers caressing her smooth flesh she was even glad they were making out.
But she didn't know why.
So she decided to just ignore the question and concentrate on enjoying their time together.

That would impose my style on the piece. But that's how I'd do it.

Personally I'd leave out the "But she didn't know why." or change it to "But she didn't understand how she could be." which would address the fact of him not being her affianced.

Gauche

 

[Omni]

I disagree.

I think it has too little pivoting potential for such a subaltern position. I feel the third connective interlocutor from the right should be in conjunction with Sagittarius at this time of year, it's the only feasible aspect. That way, ipso facto, the ambivalent complex-compound nature of the semi-colon's step-father co-ordinates well with the gubernatorial recall in California.

Hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!


Still laughing, Omni

 

[Dirty Slut]

For what it's worth, here's my take on it...

Becky was glad she'd gotten him to come out with her. She was glad she'd taken him shopping. She was glad too that they'd finally gotten to the park. Now, as she sat astride Tyler's body, enjoying the feel of his long fingers caressing her smooth flesh she was even glad they were making out. But she didn't know why. Nor did she care.

As you can see I agree mostly with Gauche, only changing the ending as that which came after the semicolon was nothing but added fluffy air.

DS

 

[Singularity]

Here's how I would do it - and Becky...

Here's my take on the the literary scrap you have given us to chew on.


"Becky was pleased she’d gotten him to come out with her, glad that he had consented to go go shopping with her, and overjoyed that they’d finally made it to the park.

And now, as she sat astride Tyler’s body, enjoying the feel of his long fingers caressing her smooth flesh, she was even glad they were making out, but she didn't know why. So she decided to just ignore the question and concentrate on enjoying their time together."

--------

The repetitions of the "glads" doesn't do it for me. And the "gottens". It sounds more like a vocabulary-starved author, instead of adding a dramatic, cumulative effect (which is what I think you wanted).

I would break it into two paragraphs, too, even though the first one is only one sentence long. The segue from the happiness that they are now in the park to the sitting-astride thoughts demands a bit of white space to clearly delineate the two.

And lastly, I i would strike the "long". Fingers are fingers. I doubt that she was thinking "Gee, how wonderfully long (and well manicured) his fingers are while they knead my tits." If she is ignoring the question of why they are there, she surely isn't concentrating on his digital-dimensions (perhaps of his 21st digit, but not of the top-10 digits).

 

[raphy]

Becky was glad she’d gotten him to come out with her, glad she’d taken him shopping, and glad they’d finally gotten to the park. And now, as she sat astride Tyler’s body, enjoying the feel of his long fingers caressing her smooth flesh, she was even glad they were making out although she didn't know why, so she decided to just ignore the question and concentrate on enjoying their time together.

But then, I like long run on sentences, depending on the situation. Swapped the 'but' for an 'although' (And switched the semicolon for a comma), which opens the rest of the sentence up - I felt that the 'but' closed off the rest of the sentence, effectively limiting it to the subject of the 'but' (she didn't know why), and not allowing the rest of the sentence to feel like it fitted.

Changing it to 'although' seems to open it up to me and doesn't necessarily mean that 'she didn't know why' is a natural end to the sentence.

Sorry for the long winded explanation. I have zero idea of what the technical grammatical terms are - I just write by feel.

Either way, without imposing my own personal style on that section, that's the smallest change that I can think of that opens up the readability of it.

 

[snooper]

My two pennorth

Red is deleted, blue is inserted, purple is comments.

Becky was glad she’d gottenpersuadedA him to come out with her, glad she’d taken him shopping, and glad they’d finally gotten to the park. And nowNowB, as she sat astride Tyler’s body,C enjoying the feel of his long fingers caressing her smooth flesh, she was even glad they were making out, but she didn't know why; soD she decided to just ignore the question and concentrate on enjoying their time together.

A - assuming she had to persuade him. If not, then maybe "let" and drop the "to" two words later.
B - the "and" is an unnecessary conjunction.
C - this comma spoils the flow. A tip for checking this is to read the piece aloud.
D - the "so" is another unnecessary conjunction.

 

[Pure]

"Becky was glad she’d asked him to come out[1] with her, glad she’d taken him shopping, and glad they’d finally made it to [2] the park. And now, astride Tyler’s body, stroked by his long fingers, she was even glad they were caressing each other[3],[4] but she didn't know why. She decided to ignore the question and just enjoy their time together[5]."

[1]talked him into coming out}
[2]arrived at
[3] in each other's arms
[4] or, (full stop here) ...each other. But she didn't...

{Added:[5] with a deep bow to Dirty Slut:

Forget the question, she thought. Enjoy being together.} {Yes, DS it's wordy as if stands.}


[1]- [4] Shamelessly piggy backing on Lauren, Snooper, and some others.

The 'punctuation problem' is because of wordiness around the key ideas of being glad of getting it on, and ignoring the 'why's'.

I'm not sure 'making out' is of the right era, so I looked at alternatives.

Regards

 

[Icingsugar]

Okay, Ice-man, you've got my "curious" roused. What small words would you add?

Asked for it, you did.
Chop up sentences, add pointer words, I would:

---
Becky was glad she’d gotten him to come out with her. She was glad she’d taken him shopping and glad they’d finally gotten made it to the park. And now, as she sat astride Tyler’s body, enjoying the feel of his long fingers caressing her smooth flesh, now she was even glad they were making out. But she didn't know why, so she decided to just ignore the question. and Instead, (or 'For now', but that might change what you wanted to say) she'd concentrate on enjoying their time together.
---

/Ice - all style no grades

 

[Pure]

So, RumpleF, oodles of free advice. Is it worth what you paid for it? Anything useable? Are you going to show us the author's decision?

J.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

So, RumpleF, oodles of free advice. Is it worth what you paid for it? Anything useable? Are you going to show us the author's decision? J.

Pure, you're a damn trouble-maker, you know that? (The Pure One grins like a mule eating briars and nods his head.)

Okay, here goes.

This is the original:

"Becky was glad she’d gotten him to come out with her, glad she’d taken him shopping, and glad they’d finally gotten to the park. And now, as she sat astride Tyler’s body, enjoying the feel of his long fingers caressing her smooth flesh, she was even glad they were making out, but she didn't know why; so she decided to just ignore the question and concentrate on enjoying their time together."

--

This is the new, revised edition:

"Becky was glad she’d convinced him to come with her, glad they’d gone shopping, and glad they’d made it to the park. And as she sat astride Tyler’s body enjoying the feel of his fingers caressing her flesh, she was even glad they were making out. But she didn’t know why. So she decided to just ignore the question and concentrate on enjoying their time together."

--

As you can tell, this final (for the time being) version represents input from several folks. In light of Og's thread about the Word grammar checker, I checked out both version. The new one has a higher "ease of reading" score and a lower grade level. Both of those are usually supposed to be good.

I'll probably try to finish tinkering with this sucker and submit it in a week or two. Many thanks for, "all the oodles of free advice."

Rumple Foreskin