a quickly written poem

holli

Virgin
Joined
Nov 12, 2003
Posts
5
ok... this is my first submission to this forum... please give me honest feedback. obviously im in love with repetition...

Dreams
of hands on the shoulder
coming from behind.
A view of the ocean
stretching from the eye.

Dreams
of a love that may be
coming from behind.
Looking through the trees there
stretching from the eye.

Dreams
of lives lost to the details
left in the behind.
Light through prisms
shattered to the eye.

Dreams
of the hope that will not die
left in the behind.
Dreams to feel love
shattered to the eye.
 
holli said:
ok... this is my first submission to this forum... please give me honest feedback. obviously im in love with repetition...
Something of a fan of repetition myself. Ever play with the Pantoum poem? I know there's threads on both Sestina's and Villanelles about to check out...

Dreams
of hands on the shoulder
coming from behind.
A view of the ocean
stretching from the eye.
Ok, that last line kept bugging me. I think it's the transition from "A view" being something non-physical, sensory, to "from the eye" which is something more physical, less sensory. While the idea is there, as a reader the switch made me stop in mid thought.

Dreams
of a love that may be
coming from behind.
Looking through the trees there
stretching from the eye.
Maybe "before my eye" - although that sounds cliche...

Dreams
of lives lost to the details
left in the behind.
Light through prisms
shattered to the eye.
again, the physicallity of the words (is physicallity even a word?) To put it another way, the images conjured up from reading the words "in the behind" are not, I suspect, the images feelings you want to convey here.

Dreams
of the hope that will not die
left in the behind.
Dreams to feel love
shattered to the eye.

The conflict between the sensory and the physical are a problem for me. "The eye" and "the behind" are physical things, but can relate to sensory impressions, or memories. The problem is that the uses of the words don't clearify how they are meant to be read, least, not for me. One of two things you might consider, one - smoothing out the conflict by clarifying the meanings and intent. Or, two, enhance the conflict, thereby making it another statement on the loss of possiblities.

Thanks for sharing the work, hope the comments help...

HomerPindar
 
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