a quick yes or no please for a cliche...

[wildsweetone]

is the phrase

'frayed day unravel'

cliche?

it feels yes to me. what say you?

 

[TheRainMan]

is the phrase

'frayed day unravel'

cliche?

it feels yes to me. what say you?

I am of the opinion that nothing can be called cliche until you see the words that surround it, on both sides.

 

[wildsweetone]

rats. okay hang on i'll c and p it...



...

He palms the Drum-filled pipe
in black greased creases, squints
through the haze
listening to her frayed

day unravel as his mind drifts
like the three masted Spirit
on a lost breeze.

 

[TheRainMan]

rats. okay hang on i'll c and p it...



The Spirit’s Engineer

Inhaling calms, drifts
in on smoke. The quiet screams
after day long
boat-engine boasting –

no sails set in the harbour today.
Tobacco tongue-scald tarts
thoughts, taints
the breeze

as the haze crawls down
to his lungs. Closed
eyes capture rest

until the Earl Grey clangs
on the table and pink lips kiss
his crinkled forehead.

He palms the Drum-filled pipe
in black greased creases, squints
through the haze
listening to her frayed

day unravel as his mind drifts
like the three masted Spirit
on a lost breeze.

I think that phrase is used well here.

It could be fresher, I suppose, but it reads well to me.

 

[wildsweetone]

well, i have to say that surprised me. thank you.


okay fresher...

i'll fiddle some more and see what i can dream up. thank you

 

[Angeline]

I am of the opinion that nothing can be called cliche until you see the words that surround it, on both sides.

I agree with that. I'd be more concerned though about redundancy because "frayed" and "unravel" are so close in meaning. When I edit my writing, I try to cut back on overexpressing myself because I have such a tendancy to do it. My goal is to have a poetic style like Count Basie played piano, where you get as much from what isn't played (or written in my case) as from what you actually hear, if that makes sense. More image and metaphor, less telling.

 

[TheRainMan]

I agree with that. I'd be more concerned though about redundancy because "frayed" and "unravel" are so close in meaning. When I edit my writing, I try to cut back on overexpressing myself because I have such a tendancy to do it. My goal is to have a poetic style like Count Basie played piano, where you get as much from what isn't played (or written in my case) as from what you actually hear, if that makes sense. More image and metaphor, less telling.

It's always the jazz, poet.

 

[TheRainMan]

well, i have to say that surprised me. thank you.


okay fresher...

i'll fiddle some more and see what i can dream up. thank you

you wrote that?

you keep notching up the quality.

 

[annaswirls]

I think it is fine, and I get the image of a rope who's edges only are frayed, and are now starting to unravel, like how the little twisted ropes are twisted together to make a bigger rope which is twisted to others....etc as if her edges were fraying all day and now the whole thing is coming apart.

it is personal preference, but I felt like this was over the top descriptive, but I know a lot of people, probably most people like that, so I will shush

 

[wildsweetone]

now that's interesting Ange, because initially i thought the same thing.

my reasons for using 'frayed day unravel' are...

you know (as a woman) how a day can be 'fractured', lots of bits and pieces happen and you just want to spout non stop a myriad of different stuff all at the one time? i imagined those bits and pieces as a piece of frayed material, kind of spiky and uneven.

unravel - because when you pull a thread it can unravel, similarly when relating the day's events it can feel like unravelling.

i was hoping the line break and strophe break would separate the two words enough to be acceptable.

hmm

 

[wildsweetone]

you wrote that?

you keep notching up the quality.

i wrote it. and thank you again.

 

[TheRainMan]

I think it is fine, and I get the image of a rope who's edges only are frayed, and are now starting to unravel, like how the little twisted ropes are twisted together to make a bigger rope which is twisted to others....etc as if her edges were fraying all day and now the whole thing is coming apart.

it is personal preference, but I felt like this was over the top descriptive, but I know a lot of people, probably most people like that, so I will shush

how come you don't write haiku?

 

[wildsweetone]

I think it is fine, and I get the image of a rope who's edges only are frayed, and are now starting to unravel, like how the little twisted ropes are twisted together to make a bigger rope which is twisted to others....etc as if her edges were fraying all day and now the whole thing is coming apart.

it is personal preference, but I felt like this was over the top descriptive, but I know a lot of people, probably most people like that, so I will shush

over the top descriptive is part of what i feel also. not too much, but enough to get me feeling edgy. got more work to do on it. thank you.

 

[Angeline]

It's always the jazz, poet.

It's like poetry. I started writing and I couldn't stop. I started listening and it became a metaphor for everything.

 

[Angeline]

now that's interesting Ange, because initially i thought the same thing.

my reasons for using 'frayed day unravel' are...

you know (as a woman) how a day can be 'fractured', lots of bits and pieces happen and you just want to spout non stop a myriad of different stuff all at the one time? i imagined those bits and pieces as a piece of frayed material, kind of spiky and uneven.

unravel - because when you pull a thread it can unravel, similarly when relating the day's events it can feel like unravelling.

i was hoping the line break and strophe break would separate the two words enough to be acceptable.

hmm

Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's bad. I'm likely keeping "leaden sky" in my poem, even though it probably is a cliche because I can't settle on a better way to say it.

I understand the meaning; I just wondered if you wanted to go for another term because the two words are so close to each other. If you keep it, I agree that the strophe break works for you.

 

[wildsweetone]

the stretch is doing me good. thank you, i'll give it more thought.

 

[Liar]

never heard the phrase before... so no cliché to me.

Not exactly sure what it is trying to represent though.

 

[Rybka]

Although I agree that the poem deserves a little aging time in the wine cellar, and then a decanting to remove the bits that settle out, I rather like the "frayed day unravels" image. Some possible alternatives to "frayed" would be "frazzled", "ragged" or "tattered".

 

[tarablackwood22]

Although I agree that the poem deserves a little aging time in the wine cellar, and then a decanting to remove the bits that settle out, I rather like the "frayed day unravels" image. Some possible alternatives to "frayed" would be "frazzled", "ragged" or "tattered".

"frayed" is assonant with "days." It is better than those other choices, isn't it?

 

[Rybka]

"frayed" is assonant with "days." It is better than those other chices, isn't it?

Shhhhh!! (We have to let her decide/find out some things on her own!)

 

[Tzara]

is the phrase

'frayed day unravel'

cliche?

it feels yes to me. what say you?

Nothing is cliché if it works. I understand Ange's comment--the word frayed contains the sense of unraveling in it. So it's a feel thing.

I think it feels OK.

I like the assonance of the phrase, and I think the strophe break lessens the duplication of meaning.

But what do I know? Trust the experts.

 

[wildsweetone]

Shhhhh!! (We have to let her decide/find out some things on her own!)

i knew that already.

also, frazzled, ragged and tattered are just well, tatty.

 

[wildsweetone]

never heard the phrase before... so no cliché to me.

Not exactly sure what it is trying to represent though.

see:

my reasons for using 'frayed day unravel' are...

you know (as a woman) how a day can be 'fractured', lots of bits and pieces happen and you just want to spout non stop a myriad of different stuff all at the one time? i imagined those bits and pieces as a piece of frayed material, kind of spiky and uneven.

unravel - because when you pull a thread it can unravel, similarly when relating the day's events it can feel like unravelling.

hope that helps.

blimey, i feel like eve now. quoting myself like that, very weird.

 

[wildsweetone]

Nothing is cliché if it works. I understand Ange's comment--the word frayed contains the sense of unraveling in it. So it's a feel thing.

I think it feels OK.

I like the assonance of the phrase, and I think the strophe break lessens the duplication of meaning.

But what do I know? Trust the experts.

you are an expert, and i trust you. thank you

 

[tarablackwood22]

i knew that already.

also, frazzled, ragged and tattered are just well, tatty.

You tell him, girl.

I knew you knew.