A Question of Style

[Natural Born Eros]

I know I've asked for feedback twice before, and I don't want to hog your time, but I have a simple question concerning my holiday contest story entry, A Perfect Gift.

I have written it as a romance, since based on previous feedback I seem to be better at writing atmosphere than (pardon the pun) the ins and outs of sex. So my question is, does this story work better like this, with what is likely to be a very orthodox sex scene left to the imagination, or do you sick little puppies still want all the details?

Cheers,

Eros

PS - Of course, if anyone wants to give me lengthy feedback, that would be great

 

[botticelliangel]

Oh, I liked it. Its nice to be able to read a story on here and not have wild sex and the couple throwing the bra onto the lamp. Not that I hate that kinda thing!

It was a good read and you implied what happened well enough that anyone who didn't know what was gonna happen is terribly dense.

BotticelliAngel

 

[the_bragis]

Lovely

Hello Eros!

I just read your story, and now I realise just how well you name suits you. You write romance very nicely. This story isn't a very long one, but it is short and very sweet to read.

These lines especially hooked me:

the broadness of his shoulders, the impression of restrained strength.

I loved this image. Although I would have thrown an 'and' in there.


This single sentence had caused her heart to beat forcefully against her ribs, and a thrill of anticipation to run through her.

Yes, yes, a single sentence can do exactly that to a woman!

He had refused to let her lift a finger after their arrival..

Let me tell you this is my kind of man!

sitting on a rock with waves lapping below them, for the first time he had told her that he loved her.

This is the kind of stuff that makes a woman sigh softly before she melts isn't it?

Now just a couple of things I think may confuse readers.

'Tiny' clouds read a little oddly to me, but maybe that's just me, I live down under in Australia, so maybe up there in NS when it's very cold and icy, there are tiny clouds.

Soon Ben Webster’s silky tenor sax ..

Look I know sooner or later some one is going to say - who's Ben Webster?

quixically

I wasn't sure if that was a typo, or just word I hadn't heard of, either way it made me stop reading, and that's not a good thing.

One of your paragraphs is in italics, and I'm not sure why.

Your dialog is good, although I'm a glutton from dialog, I just simply can't get enough of it, so I would have like more. You must remember too, each new dialog needs a fresh line. It's not a big deal but it's just something that will make a reader stop and have to think otherwise, and again, that's not what you are aiming for.

Finally, your final two paragraphs switch from third person to first person, and that I am sorry is a big fat no no.

I think I can say right now, this story will really appeal to half the readers of Literoitca, the female readers. Most of the half I think will want as you put it ,all the ins and outs.

So Eros, you have to ask yourself - do I want to write for men, or do you want to write for women? Which do think you get more satisfaction and enjoyment from? No pun intended there either.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day now,

Alex (fem)

 

[Natural Born Eros]

Ben Webster is a jazz musician who made his name in the 1930s playing tenor saxophone with Duke Ellington's orchestra. I love his music because of his "breathy" tone. The haunting, sexy melodies help as well!

Yep, Quixically was a typo. I was aiming for Quizically.

Eros

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Well, I think you've written a fermale version of a stroke story! A male stroker is all sex and no romance; this is all romance and no sex.

Actually, it's not the lack of explicit sex that bothered me, it was the fact that nothing really happened. This is the problem with writing about happy, loving people in happy, loving relationships. Where's the story? Tolstoy said that all happy families are happy in the same way, but all unhappy families are unhappy in their own way, and that's why he wrote about unhappy families. I think these people need a problem!

I'm sure I'll hear from women who disagree with me viiolently on this, but that's how I feel. There's no drama to propel the story. It's all setting and atmosphere.

I too was confused by the sudden switch to italics. There didn't seem to be any rationale for it. And I had the feeling that the final switch to first person was supposed to be the "hook" of the story, that we were supposed to be surprised that she was telling the story. It didn't work for me at all.

Aside from the lackm of dramatic impetus in the story, you have a habit of mixing liove action and background in one paragraph, which gives the story a feeling of never getting off the ground. I never felt that we were done with the backstory and moving into realtime action. It was kind of like waiting for the plane to get airborne and never having liftoff. For example, at the highpoint, when they kiss, we get a desciption of what she looked like.

I did a double-take when you told us that she'd never been kissed before. These days such a confession implies that there's something wrong with her more than that she's especially virtuous. I also got stuck on the stew. To me, there's nothing less sexy than stew, no matter how exotic it is, unless maybe a plate of beans.

Also: I would really have liked to seen more about the scenery and setting. I don't know much about Nova Scotia, and what I do know suggests that it's a terribly bleak and forbidding place, especially in winter. Very cold and windy. Obviously it must have some romantic charm, but you didn't tell us what it was. Icebergs and blowing snow do not put me personally in a romantic mood. they make me think more about my own survival.

So I think that it's not necessary to show graphic sex to have a good erotic story, but I do think you have to do more than just create a romantic setting and put two romantic people in it.

But it is sweet, and your heart is definitely in the right place. And is so refreshing to see a holiday without incest.

---dr.M.