A question for lesbians

[Annisthyrienne]

Okay, I don't mean to single anyone out with that title, so if you'd rather answer by PM that's fine. It's no secret that I explore my own bisexual fantasies and my attraction for women here in Lit World. I would classify myself as bi-curious I suppose.

Here is the situation. It is becoming more and more apparent that my niece is leaning towards bisexuality at least. She openly admits that she is attracted to other girls, and both me and her mother are trying to support her in a way that does not influence her choice in one way or the other. We want it to truly be her own decision.

But here is the thing. I'm pretty certain that she is still a virgin, with no experience of any sexual encounter beyond maybe kissing. So I got to thinking about what her first time would be like if she chooses to be with a female. And this brought up this question.

For lesbians, is having someone's virginity as big a deal as it seems to be for men? I know with men there are mixed feelings as to why it's a big deal; some say it is because they are responsible for the girl's first foray into sex and they want to make it a good experience. Some others don't like that responsibility for the same reason. Some just want the 'trophy' of being able to claim to be her first. Others just don't want to have to deal with the inexperience.

Is it the same for lesbians? And is there some preferred 'method', like toys or strap-on or fingers? Is there such a thing as just her 'lesbian virginity'; meaning the first time she is with another woman, even if the technically lost her physical virginity to a guy already? Is that still an event?

Part of this is my own curiosity, I admit. And part of it is because....well, the girl comes to me to talk about such things, and I would like to know what to tell her either before or after the 'big event'.

I appreciate any answers, here or by PM.

 

[IvoryTigress]

I would be more careful with a woman who I knew was having sex for the first time, but it wouldn't impact me in any other way. I'd know she was inexperienced, scared, nervous, excited and her head would be running a mile a minute. So, I'd be working to calm it and distract her enough to just enjoy. But the fact that she's a virgin would do nothing for me attraction wise. I wouldn't mind the responsibility, but it isn't a turn on. It just...is a fact. If that makes sense.

 

[IvoryTigress]

First, sure, there can be a thrill at being someone's first.
But as for the rest, I think you are looking for blanket answers when every answer not only depends on one of the people involved, but both.
Even the 'lesbian virginity' thing depends on who you ask (though I suspect most would say 'yes').
Anyhow...
I think what you are REALLY asking is "How can I best support and advise this youngster in my life".
You can do that by helping her make her own decisions as to how she pursues her sexuality and who she pursues it with. Tell her to be her own woman, tell her to make sure she trusts the person she's with, and that they communicate with each other.
IMHO, nothing else really matters.

+1000

 

[Annisthyrienne]

Thank you for that advice. That is pretty much what I'm trying to do, and because we haven't really discussed specifics yet. I'm not really sure what to tell her about that as my own experience with other women has been mostly virtual with the exception of one 'experiment' which, while I enjoyed it and thought it was a good experience, it ended up costing me a friendship. So it left me with some insecurities of my own to deal with.

But my sister and I are in agreement about it being my niece's choice, and we both support her fully. Good to know that we're already doing what you would advise.

 

[KarensTaboos]

Okay, I don't mean to single anyone out with that title, so if you'd rather answer by PM that's fine. It's no secret that I explore my own bisexual fantasies and my attraction for women here in Lit World. I would classify myself as bi-curious I suppose.

Here is the situation. It is becoming more and more apparent that my niece is leaning towards bisexuality at least. She openly admits that she is attracted to other girls, and both me and her mother are trying to support her in a way that does not influence her choice in one way or the other. We want it to truly be her own decision.

But here is the thing. I'm pretty certain that she is still a virgin, with no experience of any sexual encounter beyond maybe kissing. So I got to thinking about what her first time would be like if she chooses to be with a female. And this brought up this question.

For lesbians, is having someone's virginity as big a deal as it seems to be for men? I know with men there are mixed feelings as to why it's a big deal; some say it is because they are responsible for the girl's first foray into sex and they want to make it a good experience. Some others don't like that responsibility for the same reason. Some just want the 'trophy' of being able to claim to be her first. Others just don't want to have to deal with the inexperience.

Is it the same for lesbians? And is there some preferred 'method', like toys or strap-on or fingers? Is there such a thing as just her 'lesbian virginity'; meaning the first time she is with another woman, even if the technically lost her physical virginity to a guy already? Is that still an event?

Part of this is my own curiosity, I admit. And part of it is because....well, the girl comes to me to talk about such things, and I would like to know what to tell her either before or after the 'big event'.

I appreciate any answers, here or by PM.

Hi, though technically bi i`m more inclined in ladies then men for the time being.. so my answer is multi layered....I hope that is ok?...

For lesbians, yes having someone's virginity as big a deal though i cant speak for the men, I can say that those women i have spoken to about the big " first time in their life moment " all say its a cherry for a reason... and like so many cherries in a bowl yes it is a prize to take it fresh , however at a few clubs i have been to where this was discussed openly it was lso pointed out that " les cherries" can be and have been re invented with a ritual known as purify and start again moments.. and no i didnt ask further. but apparently its about the first time a woman takes a n other woman and the virginity is re affirmed.. then taken again ..

"Is it the same for lesbians?" all i know for sure is this.. its prized by some hated by others and looked on either as a newbie in the room dont touch or fresh meet.. yes even the ladies in the bondage clubs would say that ... I`ve heard them do it....

Is there some preferred 'method', like toys or strap-on or fingers? yep all of those and other items too I met a Domme once who used a hair brush that was her great grand mothers. to deflower her conquests and each where reborn as lesbians using said brush... So i guess its up to the individual?...

Is there such a thing as just her 'lesbian virginity'; meaning the first time she is with another woman, even if the technically lost her physical virginity to a guy already? See the first answer for the answer to this..


Opinions are like arseholes everyone has one... i was told this, this morning by a guy who though he knew how to treat a woman... I dont think he liked mine...but the answers i gave are from the heart...

Respects Karen

 

[Annisthyrienne]

Thank you for your answers Karen. Wow, I never even thought about the hairbrush thing, though I should have. I guess this is something that varies from person to person, just as it would with a male/female pairing.

I do hope her first experience is a good one, and one she can remember fondly. I would just hate for it to turn out to be unpleasant and turn her off of her sexuality one way or the other. So I hope that whoever it is to be for her first takes it as a meaningful thing for her and not just as a conquest for themselves.

 

[Annisthyrienne]

Anything you tell her with regard to specifics is likely to just be wrong anyhow *laughing*

Okay, fair enough. I may not know all the details, but I know what feels good. And I have tried to educate myself on such things.

 

[KarensTaboos]

Okay, fair enough. I may not know all the details, but I know what feels good. And I have tried to educate myself on such things.

Just a thought here but isnt the safety of the thing, more important than the thing? I mean to say as I have found myself in the last few days what works for me wont work for you or a pretty cat for example.. and vice versa.. so the thing itself will be a natural thing to develop how ever that goes.. as long as the niece has support and advice somewhere to turn to .. and a base knowledge of what is safe and what isnt.. she should be fine....

 

[Miss_Vivi]

Hey Thryi,

Sounds like your niece is a pretty savvy kiddo when it comes to her sexuality, it took me 26 years to be alright with being bi, myself. Don't get mired in details on how the girls "do it", believe me when I say this isn't a conversation she wants to have with you. You might be the coolest aunt in the world, but I'd never want to discuss the first time I fucked my gf with any of my aunts.

My advice to you?

Rather than worry about her first time and whether or not it is good, because it's the first time and it's likely to suck anyway (virginity whether with boy or girl is rarely a roaring sexy time).

So, as the kickass aunt you are, help her to make sure she does get laid with the awesome people she is attracted to. Make sure she reads, travels, is interesting and kind, seeks out some kind of an education, is confident in herself and her worth and is educated about all the different forms of birth control and barrier methods, and is sex positive.

Good luck to your niece!

 

[seven_of_nine]

The only thing I'd add to the great advice you've had is that once you take the risk of pregnancy completely out of the equation and also the whole clichéd hetero angst thing, where the guy is often eager and the girl unsure and/or concerned about how she'll be perceived by him afterwards and all that other prom night shit... well what she may well find is that there's not a great deal of reason to wait.

If your niece just wants to experiment with someone fun and isn't looking for a serious relationship yet, then that's one thing. If however she wants something monogamous and hopefully long term with all the emotional investment that entails, she might benefit from slowing down a little and making sure that she and her prospective girlfriend are on the same page.

All I'm saying is that as a virgin delving into a 'scene' (or subculture or whatever it might be better called) that's often a lot more liberated and casual than traditional young hetero relationships, your niece stands to risk some heartache if she's not emotionally mature enough to be sure of what she wants and to hold out for that.

Just a thought.

 

[Annisthyrienne]

Thank you to everyone for the advice and opinions. I appreciate your perspectives on this.

I didn't want to leave the wrong impression, it's not like we're trying to set something up for her or anything. Nor are we setting up an itinerary for her to know what to expect. This was more about my curiosity about how such a thing was viewed by same sex couples. I didn't know if it was still considered a big deal.

She has been late to 'discover' boys, and in fact still doesn't show a lot of the 'dreamy teenage crush' kind of feelings about them. She has admitted or claimed that she is attracted to girls and boys, but part of me wonders if she is saying that to be popular among her friends at school. Since she has no experience, I wonder sometimes if she will change her mind after she explores a little. But both her mother and I have thought about the pregnancy risk advantage.

She is sort of the surrogate daughter I never got to have since Sara died. And she helps me out immensely in coping with my voice problem. She often orders for me in restaurants and helps me deal with phone calls when she is visiting my home, which is often. When I move in to my new place, and she graduates high school, the plan is for her to live with me in the little upstairs apartment. Being out in the country like that will not exactly be conducive to easy dating for her unless she learns how to drive soon, but the time may come up when she brings someone over.