A question for all subs

[Wannabe2012]

When you first became a sub, did you have a low self-esteem or confidence issue? If so, what specific thing or things did your Dom do for you to help boost your confidence and self-esteem issues to make you a better sub?

 

[Primalex]

a) It's not the job of a Dom to fix psychological problems.

b) If you want to rate submissiveness with a scalar mechanism, then confidence or self-esteem is not part of the equation.

c) Next time just send him the nude pics.

 

[Stella_Omega]

When you first became a sub, did you have a low self-esteem or confidence issue? If so, what specific thing or things did your Dom do for you to help boost your confidence and self-esteem issues to make you a better sub?

In my experience, many people need "permission" to start exploring what they want. But they usually don't need much more than a "hey, I do that too, and I love it!" from a peer.

What kinds of self-confidence do you need? because that's usually code for "in public." Is he asking you to walk naked in the grocery store, wear a collar and no panties to your school reunion? Tell him that your relationship is private and there is an issue of consent-- because the public did not give consent to watch your shenanigans.

Also, please be aware that SOME dominants have the potential to be very predatory-- looking specifically for insecure subs because they don't want anyone with their own power. They can be abusive bullies who disguise their abuse as D/s. This is true for both men and women.

 

[IrisAlthea]

a) It's not the job of a Dom to fix psychological problems.

b) If you want to rate submissiveness with a scalar mechanism, then confidence or self-esteem is not part of the equation.

This!

 

[submissive_fire]

Yes, I had confidence and self esteem issues, but I was the only one that could fix them. God knows I went down many a wrong road thinking a "good" Dom would be able to help me or fix me. It was only when I took the time to focus on me and got off of the gullible sub rollercoaster, that I was able to get past my issues. in turn, this has made me a better person and sub.

What can a dom do to help? Encourage you and be your biggest cheerleader. Other than that, I would say it its up to you.

 

[FurryFury]

When you first became a sub.

Born that way.

Did you have a low self-esteem or confidence issue?

Yes. Does any female in the United States not have this issue?

If so, what specific thing or things did your Dom do for you to help boost your confidence and self-esteem issues to make you a better sub?

I didn't need to be a better sub. The issues I had with self esteem were things I needed to work on myself. There is no magic person, pill or thing to fix that shit for you.

 

[sweepthefloor]

I am so far down the esteem drain hole it’s like that ring that slips off while doing the dishes. I got desperate and called a plumber to fish it out for me. He said: You are fucked! Sorry for your loss. Go buy a new ring.

He left and I realized: I am on my own for this one.

 

[njlauren]

I think some subs have esteem and self confidence issues, but then again, so do a lot of vanilla people. I suspect some of the OP's question is fed by the popular misconception that for someone to be submissive, they need to somehow be lacking self confidence or esteem to 'allow' people to do the things to them they have 'heard about'. It is a popular misconception, along with the fact that dominants are all twisted psychopaths who lack empathy (well, okay, have to admit some are, but in a nice way *lol*). The stereotypes of the wimpy male 'lowly worm' sub and the bitch mistress, you name it, or that a woman who would sub to a guy is obviously lacking something for feeding into dominant male patriarchy, etc (guess the ones saying that have never been around some aspects of the leather dyke community, some of those gals play rough *said with total envy*).

On the other hand many of the submissives I have known were strong people to whom submitting was a measure of their strength and they had dominants who appreciated that. To be honest, looking strictly at this is a sub, if a lot of subs had such issues I don't know what would attract a dominant to someone like that, playing Mr or Ms fix up to someone with real issues quite honestly can't be a lot of fun. It is one thing to correct rough edges, like forcing someone to eat fake bacon bits out of a toilet for leaving a toilet seat up or sticking bubble gum up their butt for back talking, but having to prop up a sub with big esteem issues? Seems like a lot of work to me. That said, I have known dom/mes who had subs like that, but these were generally long term couples where the dominant partner was doing what they would to help a loved one having problems, it kind of was irrelevant their power dynamic relationship *shrug*

 

[KoPilot]

My personal issues have pretty much nothing to do with what I want in bed (unless I specifically have issues with that, which I have a history of also). He helped by basically doing what any other good boyfriend-now-husband would have done: listened, supported, pushed when I asked, and basically reassured me I was a fantastic human being all around and that he'd love me no matter what.

Not much "sub" in that equation.

 

[shesaysimtiny]

I just love her telling me to clean her good

 

[His_pet_slut]

When you first became a sub, did you have a low self-esteem or confidence issue? If so, what specific thing or things did your Dom do for you to help boost your confidence and self-esteem issues to make you a better sub?

While I'm not so egotistical as to think I am all that and a bag of chips, ummm, no. No self-esteem or confidence issues here. Well, not for many years anyway.

When I was quite young I had some issues with self-esteem/confidence. I worked through them a good 20 years before BDSM and knowing what submission was became a significant part of my life. No one can 'fix' those for you in order to "make you a better sub." Also, if a woman thinks being a sub will ensure she has someone to save her from herself, she may be doing this for all the wrong reasons.


I am a strong woman that knows the difference between being assertive and confident in the business world, my volunteer work and then being submissive with my M. He quite likes the dichotomy of the different sides of me and my nature.

 

[kitten00]

Realize that your master cherishes you, and when he puts you down or punishes you, it is because he is making a precious item all the more perfect, while keeping you in line. If you have a master, communicate this to them in so many words, so they can help to bring you up. What exactly are you having low self esteem about? or if its just generalized, know you are perfect as a sub and you dont need to feel down about yourself at all

 

[kitten00]

a) It's not the job of a Dom to fix psychological problems.

b) If you want to rate submissiveness with a scalar mechanism, then confidence or self-esteem is not part of the equation.

c) Next time just send him the nude pics.

Actually, as a sub, Id have to say confidence is a huge part of the equation. How are you supposed to please your master, be perfect for him, when you feel imperfect and dont please yourself? A dom is meant to care for his pet, so yes, he should be there to pick her up when she is down. I think its a bit insensitive for you to imply that simply sending nude photos will fix anything, shame on you.

 

[rod43]

Actually, as a sub, Id have to say confidence is a huge part of the equation. How are you supposed to please your master, be perfect for him, when you feel imperfect and dont please yourself? A dom is meant to care for his pet, so yes, he should be there to pick her up when she is down. I think its a bit insensitive for you to imply that simply sending nude photos will fix anything, shame on you.

you sound like a very graceful submissive, kitten

 

[kitten00]

you sound like a very graceful submissive, kitten

Why thank you I love being a sub, and I aim to please.

 

[rod43]

Why thank you I love being a sub, and I aim to please.

judging by your posts, you would please any decent Master. And your picture will turn many eyes to follow you!!

 

[kitten00]

judging by your posts, you would please any decent Master. And your picture will turn many eyes to follow you!!

Thank you! But that is not me in the picture. (have to keep my identity safe and all that jazz)

 

[knot_sweet]

My personal issues have pretty much nothing to do with what I want in bed (unless I specifically have issues with that, which I have a history of also). He helped by basically doing what any other good boyfriend-now-husband would have done: listened, supported, pushed when I asked, and basically reassured me I was a fantastic human being all around and that he'd love me no matter what.

Not much "sub" in that equation.

This...

Yes, I have some self esteem issues...but they are my issues and have nothing to do with my D/s relationship. Sure my partner cares for me and makes me feel better; but that is him as partner and lover and best friend, not Him in the Dominant sense.

And those issues don't tend to make an appearance when we're in that sort of space anyway. Mostly because when I sub it isn't about me so there aren't any issues I need to focus on other than Him.

Most people wouldn't know I have any issues because my self esteem has very little to do with what other people think.

 

[iwantyoufuckme]

I explored what turned me on,
I am a confident woman, had low self esteem young, but was not sexually active at the time.. I don't think they link together for myself..

 

[Primalex]

Realize that your master cherishes you, and when he puts you down or punishes you, it is because he is making a precious item all the more perfect, while keeping you in line.

or it is because he is an abusive asshole.

Sorry, did you already have lunch with him or what?

 

[Primalex]

Actually, as a sub, Id have to say confidence is a huge part of the equation.

Most likely because you are using difficult words that you don't understand.

How are you supposed to please your master, be perfect for him, when you feel imperfect

How are you supposed to please your master when you feel perfect already?

A dom is meant to care for his pet

Is there a reason why you use such derogatory terms when describing submissive women?

I get beef jerky for my pet - that is his most important desire.

I think its a bit insensitive for you to imply that simply sending nude photos will fix anything, shame on you.

First you call them pets, then you deny that they can be conditioned. You don't make much sense. If you pick a point of view, you should stick to it.

 

[sterculius]

The only same sex activity I engage in is that of performing fellatio. I LOVE giving other men blowjobs, but I have absolutely no desire to receive one from them in return. As a cocksucker, I enjoy becoming submissive and being orally dominated. I prefer being on my knees while I'm sucking cock. I just LOVE having my head held and forced down while I'm being very aggressively throatfucked!! I suspect the primary reason I enjoy this as much as I do is because I'm normally very confident and assertive in my daily life. Allowing another man to take control and to roughly use me for his sexual gratification is so erotically thrilling precisely because it's such a complete role reversal and a change from what I'm accustomed to.

 

[PrettyKitty10]

Actually, as a sub, Id have to say confidence is a huge part of the equation. How are you supposed to please your master, be perfect for him, when you feel imperfect and dont please yourself? A dom is meant to care for his pet, so yes, he should be there to pick her up when she is down. I think its a bit insensitive for you to imply that simply sending nude photos will fix anything, shame on you.

Well said kitten

 

[MsDeanne]

It was never a choice or a matter of needing to be "fixed".
For me it's sexual and mentally it's the stimulation. Subspace is a powerful place to surrender, along with trust and respect for my partner.

 

[eastern sun]

I think mixing BDSM and low self-esteem is a mistake. It's too easy to recreate abuse and call it your deepest desire.

And it isn't only submissives who embed their low-self esteem in BDSM relationship. Dominants are just as likely to be coping with low self-esteem issues with their behavior.

On the other hand, finding these outlets for sexual energies that may have been repressed is incredibly empowering. And I think it's a much better idea to use that newly discovered energy to work on your own issues and grow and develop and open your mind to new possibilities in order to build successful relationships.

If you can find a partner who is really able to love you through all the pain that is generated - and I don't mean to trigger ideas of romance, monogamy, etc. etc. - for it is possible to be loved by a stranger, then you might be able to bring some deep-seated insecurity to the relationship . . . but if you're just getting started, you probably want to hold on to your own well-being.

In answer to your question, I didn't become "slave" until my self-esteem was very secure. (And it is still challenged on a regular basis. )