45m college prof in phila wondering why there are so many lonely married people around. It seems like it should be so easy to find a "soulmate," one with whom one could be oneself and do anything/everything to please and be pleased. Why is that so difficult? Please share your thoughts. MrScience
A query
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lady_deanna
Really Experienced
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I'm not lonely and married, but lonely and single wanting to get married before...
anyways, well, I found my soulmate, and then he joined the Peace Corp!
And since then, the possibilities I run across are taken, immature, lacking in intelligence and/or unable to tolerate an intelligent woman! Still searching though...
anyways, well, I found my soulmate, and then he joined the Peace Corp!
And since then, the possibilities I run across are taken, immature, lacking in intelligence and/or unable to tolerate an intelligent woman! Still searching though...
omahaman2
Here's your sign
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found my soulmate right here at lit. she will be moving to join my life next month,out of her undying love for me, for which i am so ever humbled bt,since like anyone else you feel like you dont deserve it.I think people just build too many walls,so afraid of getting hurt.but i have discovered that love is so worth any chances you have to take to find it.Im just a regular guy nothing special and i found happiness
capricious_chic
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Just my humble opinion...
I think so very many people are in a hurry to find that special someone that they tend to settle for someone that might not really be right for them. Thinking that it is impossible to find perfection, they settle for a facsimile of perfection and end up being disappointed. Another thing I have noticed, is it seems as if people are afraid to communicate. Due to inhibitions or some such nonsense. People do not talk about sex, they tend to just have it. Then later, after they are married, are surprised when their partner isn't interested in the same things or perversions.
Dependant upon their integrity, and how seriously they take their wedding vows, people end up stuck in a marriage that wasn't right for them to begin with. Either they are together and lonely, or they get divorced. Of course, it makes it all even more murky if children are involved... and if that is the reason two people got married. I think age is another factor, it has been my experience that older generations have fallen victim to this more than the younger generations... I myself am 30, and have never been married. I have no great desire to be married, unless I find that person that will be perfectly suited to me... but I am not really looking.. nor am I afraid it will never happen. I enjoy each relationship that I have for what is it worth, and never lie to myself nor the other person involved about what is going on between us.
So I guess, I would say... slow down, enjoy life.. and don't rush into things... Always communicate openly and honestly about your desires.. and if it is meant to be.. it will..
Again, just my humble thoughts....
I think so very many people are in a hurry to find that special someone that they tend to settle for someone that might not really be right for them. Thinking that it is impossible to find perfection, they settle for a facsimile of perfection and end up being disappointed. Another thing I have noticed, is it seems as if people are afraid to communicate. Due to inhibitions or some such nonsense. People do not talk about sex, they tend to just have it. Then later, after they are married, are surprised when their partner isn't interested in the same things or perversions.
Dependant upon their integrity, and how seriously they take their wedding vows, people end up stuck in a marriage that wasn't right for them to begin with. Either they are together and lonely, or they get divorced. Of course, it makes it all even more murky if children are involved... and if that is the reason two people got married. I think age is another factor, it has been my experience that older generations have fallen victim to this more than the younger generations... I myself am 30, and have never been married. I have no great desire to be married, unless I find that person that will be perfectly suited to me... but I am not really looking.. nor am I afraid it will never happen. I enjoy each relationship that I have for what is it worth, and never lie to myself nor the other person involved about what is going on between us.
So I guess, I would say... slow down, enjoy life.. and don't rush into things... Always communicate openly and honestly about your desires.. and if it is meant to be.. it will..
Again, just my humble thoughts....
I'm not married but I do have a 12 yo daughter that I've been raising alone. Although in the past I've not had time to devote to myself, I feel that it's time for me to have someone to play with.... so far, I have friends but nobody to call my "soul-mate". I must have patience and see what comes along....
Liza
Liza
Aphrodisiac
doing laundry
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Some how I assumed when one married the lonliness would no longer be there...
But, maybe I would not know since I am not married.
But, maybe I would not know since I am not married.
Perhaps...
We humans struggle to be at home in ourselves... And look to another to provide that home... when it's a work we must do ourselves.
If I'm not ok being with myself as I truly am, how can I expect relationship with someone else to provide that? And if I don't live out of the depths of my true self (not just my opinions and superficial preferences) then the person I offer in relationship is something other than me. A partner could never meet my deep loneliness by relating with this 'projected' self. Even if they loved this 'false self' or mask, deep down I would know they only loved the person they believed I am, but not the me who's creating the mask.
It's only when we learn to take off the masks and become safe enough in our own skins to be real, that we can allow another person to really touch as us we are. Once we learn to do that, we can also compassionately invite others to risk being their authentic selves in our presence.
PS. This is a path of wisdom that I suspect the scientific method cannot broach. ; )
We humans struggle to be at home in ourselves... And look to another to provide that home... when it's a work we must do ourselves.
If I'm not ok being with myself as I truly am, how can I expect relationship with someone else to provide that? And if I don't live out of the depths of my true self (not just my opinions and superficial preferences) then the person I offer in relationship is something other than me. A partner could never meet my deep loneliness by relating with this 'projected' self. Even if they loved this 'false self' or mask, deep down I would know they only loved the person they believed I am, but not the me who's creating the mask.
It's only when we learn to take off the masks and become safe enough in our own skins to be real, that we can allow another person to really touch as us we are. Once we learn to do that, we can also compassionately invite others to risk being their authentic selves in our presence.
PS. This is a path of wisdom that I suspect the scientific method cannot broach. ; )
Batch
Airship Captain
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MrScience said:
Why am I lonely in my marriage. Because I was grieving when we met, he asked me and I did not sk for a detailed history of his life. My fault
i had grown up being told that I never was going to amount to anything and that I was very ugly. I met a man a good and kind man who tried to teach me otherwise...but alas, he died. And my heart with him. I then met a man who .well he was not kind to me....I left with our son and never looked back. Then I met my husband, who wanted a one night stand, he came back to me because my second child was his too. He tries hard and has supported us for almost 13 years now. But he is not my soul-mate. He has fits of intense anger and rage...many is the time where I have put myself between him and one of ht echildren and been bloodies for it. But my child was not harmed.much.save for the emotional damage.
I stay in this marriage because....I see no other way out
he tried to kill himslef about two years ago, in front of me...and will use that once in a while...scares me badly to think that he will blame me for his death, if he ever would do that.
I sense that deep down he actually hates me..and the children.
I am lonely because he and I have so little to talk about that is safe to say allowed there are so many things now that I may not talk with him about that is is best to not say much at all
He is a long haul trucker and is gone for long periods of time. The times he is nice to me and the children are times that I am the most wary.
I am lonely. I fear that all the bad things he has said about me are really true and thus I should not burden others with my self. My sense of trust is very low.
So in a sense I am not at home with myself. I would rather die lonelythan to trust another with my self.
My heart and healing energy go out to you...
Please be compassionate with yourself.
Honor the love and courage you show for your children. It shows a strength of character and heart that may yet lead you to find a better, safer life.
Remember these words when the voice that pulls you down is speaking in your head. It lies to you.
The voice that cares for your children..., that remembers how your lost love saw you..., and that risks being truthful with us... That voice is a voice of Life. Make time each day to learn to notice and listen for it. Learn to trust it. Follow it and it will lead you.
Please be compassionate with yourself.
Honor the love and courage you show for your children. It shows a strength of character and heart that may yet lead you to find a better, safer life.
Remember these words when the voice that pulls you down is speaking in your head. It lies to you.
The voice that cares for your children..., that remembers how your lost love saw you..., and that risks being truthful with us... That voice is a voice of Life. Make time each day to learn to notice and listen for it. Learn to trust it. Follow it and it will lead you.
