A poem called As I Read I Cum

[Rogueslady]

Let me know what ya'll think please.


You write things and I read it,
the more detailed you get,
the more excited I become.
You write about stroking to keep fit,
the more I wonder what would happen if we ever met?
Still I stay home.
The dirtier you write,
the more I play,
Do you ever drink rum?
you dick as hard as a high kite,
wanting just a great lay,
With my pussy I play as I read I cum.

 

[bogusagain]

I salute you with pleasure
but don’t let your photo let me down
don’t disappoint my rakish tongue
which, with each word it sculpts
it anticipates your cleft landscapes
your rotund uplands and moist interiors
if your body was a continent, laid out before me
and I, an intrepid explorer, compass in hand
I would spend a lifetime exploring you
your belly, a prairie I’ll graze over
your breasts, uplands I will conquer
your vagina, a cave, to bury myself in
I'll stoically face your storms in winter
bathe in your gentle heat in summer
but alas, I have not the time for this
and you do not lie before me
so show me your photo, show me
your landscapes, how you wrestle in your discontent
don’t cruelly write a poem to make me curious
I require something more graphic, evidence
that every little fuck of happiness should count

 

[bogusagain]

Let me know what ya'll think please.


You write things and I read it,
the more detailed you get,
the more excited I become.
You write about stroking to keep fit,
the more I wonder what would happen if we ever met?
Still I stay home.
The dirtier you write,
the more I play,
Do you ever drink rum?
you dick as hard as a high kite,
wanting just a great lay,
With my pussy I play as I read I cum.

Create images which illustrate your emotions or what is happening.

you dick as hard as a high kite,
wanting just a great lay,

His dick isn't as high as a kite, you are, his dick is like a forged canon or something, invading your citadel, his weight pressing down on you, forcing you to surrender and like Waterloo (remember the song), you feel like you win when you lose.

 

[Rogueslady]

I salute you with pleasure
but don’t let your photo let me down
don’t disappoint my rakish tongue
which, with each word it sculpts
it anticipates your cleft landscapes
your rotund uplands and moist interiors
if your body was a continent, laid out before me
and I, an intrepid explorer, compass in hand
I would spend a lifetime exploring you
your belly, a prairie I’ll graze over
your breasts, uplands I will conquer
your vagina, a cave, to bury myself in
I'll stoically face your storms in winter
bathe in your gentle heat in summer
but alas, I have not the time for this
and you do not lie before me
so show me your photo, show me
your landscapes, how you wrestle in your discontent
don’t cruelly write a poem to make me curious
I require something more graphic, evidence
that every little fuck of happiness should count

Thank you for your advice I do truly appreciate it.
What about this one let me know how this one fares please:

Here I sit in my silk nightgown,
waiting for you to get home on our bed,
playing with my shaven pussy,
Finally you get home looking exhausted your face with a frown,
I smile as I massage your troubles away my hands working there magic while giving you head,
working all the tension away enjoying riding your stallion definitely like like a hussy.

 

[butters]

welcome to the forum, rogueslady

the best way to get people to come and spend time dissecting your pieces is to visit the work of other writers and give a little of your own time.

may be work a little on your first piece trying to take on board some of the suggestions bogus made before throwing out another that really does need a lot of help.

as a general observation, though, i'd say what you are doing with these two pieces is getting down on the page/screen what it is you want readers to see but need, now, to work out the best way to say it.

good luck!

 

[nonfictional]

Dear rogueslady,

Your twin ditties leave much to be desired
If they were better I'd say, "You're hired!"
But your intentions are truly noble
So I say, "Keep it up! Play your bugle!
Soon you'll produce Erotica Inspired."

 

[bogusagain]

Thank you for your advice I do truly appreciate it.
What about this one let me know how this one fares please:

Here I sit in my silk nightgown,
waiting for you to get home on our bed,
playing with my shaven pussy,
Finally you get home looking exhausted your face with a frown,
I smile as I massage your troubles away my hands working there magic while giving you head,
working all the tension away enjoying riding your stallion definitely like like a hussy.

I gift wrap myself in silk
not entirely selflessly
and wait for your arrival
beaten by the day

your needs are mine
well groomed and house proud
I busy myself with thoughts
of how to welcome you in

I am a sourcerous
my mouth shaped in a perfect O
could raise Lazarus
and will revitalise you

for I am the harlot
who for centuries, men would burn
but now I ride your pyre
and you are consumed by me


OK. I took a diversion and made an entirely diiferent poem but the only way to understand written imagery is to read, read, read and write, edit, edit and read. It's never easy but with hard work it becomes more enjoyable because you get a high when you know you've written something good which conveys your thoughts and emotions.

Keep going. Whatever you do, you start at the bottom and work up and it is surprising how quickly you can improve with a little effort.

 

[Rogueslady]

welcome to the forum, rogueslady

the best way to get people to come and spend time dissecting your pieces is to visit the work of other writers and give a little of your own time.

may be work a little on your first piece trying to take on board some of the suggestions bogus made before throwing out another that really does need a lot of help.

as a general observation, though, i'd say what you are doing with these two pieces is getting down on the page/screen what it is you want readers to see but need, now, to work out the best way to say it.

good luck!

Thank you for the advice!

 

[Rogueslady]

Dear rogueslady,

Your twin ditties leave much to be desired
If they were better I'd say, "You're hired!"
But your intentions are truly noble
So I say, "Keep it up! Play your bugle!
Soon you'll produce Erotica Inspired."

Love the poem and will make a note to add the whole body!

 

[Rogueslady]

I gift wrap myself in silk
not entirely selflessly
and wait for your arrival
beaten by the day

your needs are mine
well groomed and house proud
I busy myself with thoughts
of how to welcome you in

I am a sourcerous
my mouth shaped in a perfect O
could raise Lazarus
and will revitalise you

for I am the harlot
who for centuries, men would burn
but now I ride your pyre
and you are consumed by me


OK. I took a diversion and made an entirely diiferent poem but the only way to understand written imagery is to read, read, read and write, edit, edit and read. It's never easy but with hard work it becomes more enjoyable because you get a high when you know you've written something good which conveys your thoughts and emotions.

Keep going. Whatever you do, you start at the bottom and work up and it is surprising how quickly you can improve with a little effort.

Thank you for devising another poem that shows me more that I need to work on. Its been years since high school and thought all needed to rhyme. Thank you for the inspiration.

Learning how to write better
is what I am trying to accomplish
just as becoming comfortable with the words
that describe and entice at the same time
is what I yearn to be able to do
thank you for the time and advice
success will some day be mine!

 

[Rogueslady]

Create images which illustrate your emotions or what is happening.

you dick as hard as a high kite,
wanting just a great lay,

His dick isn't as high as a kite, you are, his dick is like a forged canon or something, invading your citadel, his weight pressing down on you, forcing you to surrender and like Waterloo (remember the song), you feel like you win when you lose.

Your opinion please...

After working all day long
your muscles are aching
my soft hands work their magic
driving out all the tension
in your hot strong body
as I kiss the pain away
another desire starts to come alive
at my feathery touch
your solider salutes
breathing is labored
as I make you hard as rock
exploding into my mouth
as I drink it down eagerly.

 

[bogusagain]

Your opinion please...

After working all day long
your muscles are aching
my soft hands work their magic
driving out all the tension
in your hot strong body
as I kiss the pain away
another desire starts to come alive
at my feathery touch
your solider salutes
breathing is labored
as I make you hard as rock
exploding into my mouth
as I drink it down eagerly.

how you hold yourself tells me
the mule work kicks until you ache
I feel your knotted muscles
how they resist my hands
until my kneading insists
their stubborness breaks
and surrenders to my touch
now I manipulate your desire
coax you with my lips, feel you
fight your laboured breath
until your whole body bucks
pressing into me until, you
fountain and drench my mouth
my breathe breathing you

Hmm It's quite difficult writing a sexual poem from female point of view. There is only one way to improve ones poetry and that is to read poetry, write it and get it critiqued and read some more.

 

[Rogueslady]

how you hold yourself tells me
the mule work kicks until you ache
I feel your knotted muscles
how they resist my hands
until my kneading insists
their stubborness breaks
and surrenders to my touch
now I manipulate your desire
coax you with my lips, feel you
fight your laboured breath
until your whole body bucks
pressing into me until, you
fountain and drench my mouth
my breathe breathing you

Hmm It's quite difficult writing a sexual poem from female point of view. There is only one way to improve ones poetry and that is to read poetry, write it and get it critiqued and read some more.

You write so good. Thank you for your time and advice. How long you been writing?

 

[bogusagain]

You write so good. Thank you for your time and advice. How long you been writing?

Of and on for about eight years on Lit. I think. To be honest, I never expected to be coming here that long but there is a tight little group interested in poetry, who are more sociable than people on other sites.

 

[Rogueslady]

Of and on for about eight years on Lit. I think. To be honest, I never expected to be coming here that long but there is a tight little group interested in poetry, who are more sociable than people on other sites.

that is cool

 

[Rogueslady]

Of and on for about eight years on Lit. I think. To be honest, I never expected to be coming here that long but there is a tight little group interested in poetry, who are more sociable than people on other sites.

I know it has been a little bit but some opinions would be nice please:

The Storm
As the storm rages outside,
Thunder and lightning,
One is building inside,
Straining and fighting,
Raging and full of turmoil,
Twisting and turning,
Like the roots pulling out of the soil,
Trees being pulled and sucked,
Out of the ground,
Up into the sky being sucked,
Like a vacuum into the cyclone above the ground.
My heart broken,
Pulled out and stomped on,
Used as a token,
Like a train rode on.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

You're improving all the time, the first poem was just a sentence but I definitely see improvement

 

[Rogueslady]

You're improving all the time, the first poem was just a sentence but I definitely see improvement

Thank you for that

 

[blksoldier]

Let me know what ya'll think please.


You write things and I read it,
the more detailed you get,
the more excited I become.
You write about stroking to keep fit,
the more I wonder what would happen if we ever met?
Still I stay home.
The dirtier you write,
the more I play,
Do you ever drink rum?
you dick as hard as a high kite,
wanting just a great lay,
With my pussy I play as I read I cum.

hello

 

[blksoldier]

Thank you for that

wonderful poem

 

[Rogueslady]

Hello and thank you for that

 

[Rogueslady]

I salute you with pleasure
but don’t let your photo let me down
don’t disappoint my rakish tongue
which, with each word it sculpts
it anticipates your cleft landscapes
your rotund uplands and moist interiors
if your body was a continent, laid out before me
and I, an intrepid explorer, compass in hand
I would spend a lifetime exploring you
your belly, a prairie I’ll graze over
your breasts, uplands I will conquer
your vagina, a cave, to bury myself in
I'll stoically face your storms in winter
bathe in your gentle heat in summer
but alas, I have not the time for this
and you do not lie before me
so show me your photo, show me
your landscapes, how you wrestle in your discontent
don’t cruelly write a poem to make me curious
I require something more graphic, evidence
that every little fuck of happiness should count

May I ask your opinion on this poem please.


Sitting here thinking of you,
Across the oceans that are oh so blue.
Since knowing you my heart is not so achy,
Your words are so powerful they make me shaky.
You have made my body and heart sing,
I hope our friendship will last longer than a summer fling.
I have told you my hopes and dreams,
You make me feel so good I’m afraid I will bust at the seams.
You offer me your shoulder when you find my crying,
You talk with me and never give up trying.
I hope we will always be best of friends,
We will be friends forever even as this poem ends.

 

[champagne1982]

Hello Rogueslady. I see a common thread in your poetry here. Take heart you are improving, but if you'd like to step up another level perhaps you can consider changing your pieces from letters to a distant lover into more "journal entry" styled writing. What I mean is to take away the "you" and "I" in the poem and let ideas spill out -

Sitting here thinking of you

Where are you sitting? On your bed, by a window, at the table... and how? curled up, supporting your chin on your hand, straight?
The word thinking is a little boring. Is there a better one? Musing, remembering, imagining?

My paraphrase of your first line;

Cradled in comfort, memories surface

Across the oceans that are oh so blue

I think you want to impart a feeling of insurmountable distance so you use the ocean; blue is thrown in because it rhymes with "you", right?

and break like waves on a tropic shore

Since knowing you my heart is not so achy,

Ok, your lover has eased your heart and made you happy. Your word choices here makes me think that instead of letting your poem slide smoothly into the poem, you're forcing all of your ideas in and making it fit. Well, you know what happens when you stuff a bunch of clothes into a plastic bag, you wind up with one that's all lumpy and stretched nearly too far just so that you can carry it all in one hand. Be content to leave a few things unsaid.

Your words are so powerful they make me shaky.
You have made my body and heart sing,

I don't believe you. You're telling me that this is how you feel but I remain unconvinced, you have to show me instead...

that toss the swimmer free of the tide
gasping and trembling in need of more.

That was the first quatrain of your poem as I would maybe have written it. Try to give your reader a way to relate to how you feel using images and metaphor rather than simply describing with an adjective like 'blue' or 'achy'.

I hope this helps.

 

[Rogueslady]

Hello Rogueslady. I see a common thread in your poetry here. Take heart you are improving, but if you'd like to step up another level perhaps you can consider changing your pieces from letters to a distant lover into more "journal entry" styled writing. What I mean is to take away the "you" and "I" in the poem and let ideas spill out -

Sitting here thinking of you

Where are you sitting? On your bed, by a window, at the table... and how? curled up, supporting your chin on your hand, straight?
The word thinking is a little boring. Is there a better one? Musing, remembering, imagining?

My paraphrase of your first line;

Cradled in comfort, memories surface

Across the oceans that are oh so blue

I think you want to impart a feeling of insurmountable distance so you use the ocean; blue is thrown in because it rhymes with "you", right?

and break like waves on a tropic shore

Since knowing you my heart is not so achy,

Ok, your lover has eased your heart and made you happy. Your word choices here makes me think that instead of letting your poem slide smoothly into the poem, you're forcing all of your ideas in and making it fit. Well, you know what happens when you stuff a bunch of clothes into a plastic bag, you wind up with one that's all lumpy and stretched nearly too far just so that you can carry it all in one hand. Be content to leave a few things unsaid.

Your words are so powerful they make me shaky.
You have made my body and heart sing,

I don't believe you. You're telling me that this is how you feel but I remain unconvinced, you have to show me instead...

that toss the swimmer free of the tide
gasping and trembling in need of more.

That was the first quatrain of your poem as I would maybe have written it. Try to give your reader a way to relate to how you feel using images and metaphor rather than simply describing with an adjective like 'blue' or 'achy'.

I hope this helps.

Thank you for your advice and I will work on it some more keep trying.

 

[Rogueslady]

The way I feel
is so intense
like a ship on the rough open seas
waves crashing against the sides
tossing the ship this way and that
trying to get stability and get things on an even keel
not getting far feeling like I am crashing into a fence
my heart starting to freeze
trying to stay afloat as I am trying to make even strides
knowing I will never be the same and that is that.