A newbie seeking some input

[AnonymousPerv]

Hiya folks,

I'm here with an open invite for honest criticism. The stories I have posted so far are all similar in theme (for now) and they are utterly absurd, but hopefully fun enough for you to enjoy. I have about a dozen like them, but about a dozen more ready that I think are far better crafted, more complex and just overall, better. Not to mention, the characters aren't quite so one-dimensional as these in my opinion.

About six years ago, I finished an actual novel (non-erotic) that I would like to revisit. I suppose I am curious if the sentences I throw down, even in this genre, can keep folks reading and interested. Any insights I get will hopefully apply towards future work and ultimately, a rework of the novel I tried to piece together so long ago.

Here's the last one I submitted. Please feel free to check my history for any others. Again, constructive criticism is openly welcome. Hell, be flat-out mean if you want. I have a thick skin.

https://www.literotica.com/s/business-or-pleasure-9

Thanks in advance!

 

[Asbel]

Hey, Perv. Checking your stuff out now. I'll do my best to help you out.

Well, I've already noticed that you fall into this weird trap that a LOT of writers fall into. It's this weird sentence fragment thing...

Palmerto Wood Exotics had its own logging crew. Contracting in hard-to-reach locales to obtain the rarest of woods, to whom we sold to the highest buyers.

That second sentence should be part of the first sentence, or made into its own sentence, but the way it's written, it's a fragment with no subject. The second part of the sentence, "to whom we sold the highest buyers", doesn't make sense either. That makes it sound like you sold the highest buyers to the rarest of woods. A suggested fix would be:

Palmerto Wood Exotics had its own logging crew. They were contracted in hard-to-reach locales to obtain the rarest of woods, which in turn were sold to the highest buyers.

I think in general you spend a little too much time here discussing the semantics of contractual wood shipment and business. It just doesn't pull me in. We can always look up how the wood business works, but generally, the readers just don't care. It would probably be best to simplify it and simply gloss over why Denise is there, or just throw us into her day without much to-do.

The exchange between Richie and Henry is weirdly placed and just... Too abnormal to ignore. It sounds forced, and I doubt the boss would talk so casually about a blatant case of sexual harassment. And I wouldn't call that "pettiness"... Dunno what you'd call it.

Moving on.

I keep seeing a lot of misplaced commas where you simply don't need punctuation in general. Keep an eye out for that.

You keep throwing out information that I think misleads the reader. I have no idea where this story is heading. In some cases, that's great. In this case, it just makes it a mess. We discuss the long time that they'll be on a plane, so I think maybe they'll be having sex on the plane. We discuss the ENTIRE lifestyle of the "primitive tribe" that they're going to be talking business with... And that itself makes no sense... But since we discuss the things the tribe wears, suddenly I think we'll be forcing Denise to wear a loincloth. Why? I don't know.

But damn, your story is just JAMMED with useless information.

"Group B, you're headed out to Switzerland again, is that correct?"

"Flight got moved to Wednesday," said Frank, "But no worries, we'll close everything out for the job we're working by the weekend."

"So how did you learn the Kanuka language?" asked Eric to our guide as we piled in the car. Tallo spoke English very well.

"I actually grew up there. A missionary visited our village when I was ten and lived with us until I was 14. His name was Roger Adams and he was on a mission with his wife, Amanda."

Background information is good. This kind of information? It distracts the reader from the point of the story and just doesn't help with anything whatsoever.

Okay, now we get the deal of the story. Denise is going to have to act like a primitive tribeswoman in order to close her wood deal.

But by this point of the story, I would have already lost interest as a reader. All I know about Denise is that she likes her job, she works with wood (which I'm not entirely sure isn't an innuendo), and she has gigantic breasts that don't match her body. That's fine. But I know so much about everything else that I don't care about Denise anymore. Denise took a backseat to the ups and downs of flying to South America and memorizing seven different names of exotic wood.

I SWEAR that's an innuendo.

I an keep reading if you want, but so far, that's my advice. Cut the unimportant crap and focus on what we need to know.

 

[AnonymousPerv]

Sentence fragments are definitely my weakness. Commas, sometimes, unnecessary.

Seriously, the honest advice is exactly what I am seeking and I appreciate you making me aware of the things I didn't notice, Asbel. As I push forward with future submissions I will try to keep these points in mind.

Thanks!

 

[Asbel]

No problem. Good luck with your future endeavors, man. You're a good writer - you just need to work out the fine points.

 

[robertreams]

Sorry 1.5 on my peter meter. Why do we need all the boring information about wood processing, etc, which could be placed in one paragraph in the middle. It gives us no plot development and no character development and no enhancement to the story. Even if the idea is to set the scene in an exotic locale, you haven't. The story should start with something interesting, like "Hey Princess, . . . . then a (very short) explanation that her name is Princess, then some foreplay, then maybe a short para about hunting wood, then the first exploratory fuck, then on from there to bigger, better fucking and sucking, etc. I do not believe this was written by a woman. Keeep seeking advice, keep trying