A newbie question

[Beloved]

If any of you could help me with a question I have regarding the BDSM lifestyle I would be most grateful.

My SO other is very interested in BDSM, virtually all aspects of, from discipline, and humiliation, to bondage and beyond. (why I suddenly got this flash of Buzz Lightyear with a riding crop makes me think I really need help...lol) He is quite eager to venture into the lifestyle, however I have no real interest in any aspect of aside from the power exchange involved. The D/s aspect is more then intriguing to me, it's downright arousing, and I think it would be something I would be eager, even excited to try.
So then my question is...
Is it possible to venture into the BDSM lifestyle without the whips and chains. Can a true BDSM relationship exist strictly within the context of Domination and submission without the violence attached? I know I can eagerly partake of the D/s but most of the rest just makes me cringe.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Welcome to the board...Difficult issue in some ways, though maybe not as much as you envision. All I can suggest is discussing your fears with him, trying to keep an open mind for now, and perhaps begin with gentle exploration. It is possible to have the power exchange without the pain/humiliation element, but if it is where your SO's head and heart is at it might seem empty without both elements involved.

It also depends on his experience level, his needs, and where he derives his most pleasure from. Your feelings and needs are just as important to consider which is why you both need to discuss it. You may be pleasantly surprised as many are, and find though you fear these things, you also enjoy them...or at least some of them. There is a lot to be said for the thrill of the fear factor, the challenge of overcoming those fears. Talk and see where it goes, how he feels, what he expects, and maybe take baby steps until you feel more secure.

Catalina

 

[Hisownprecious]

Is it possible to venture into the BDSM lifestyle without the whips and chains. Can a true BDSM relationship exist strictly within the context of Domination and submission without the violence attached? I know I can eagerly partake of the D/s but most of the rest just makes me cringe.

This life is what you make of it, dear. i don't believe that there are many, if any, hard and fast rules..."you must be whipped every Tuesday for high crimes against your DOM"...etc...

i happen to be a bit of a, as Master calls me, pain slut, but that's just me. You'll find that how you out live your BDSM side will be completely up to you. i'm sure that it is possible to live out this side of you without pain..discipline does not always mean pain. And pain, my sweet, does not always mean violence...it all depends on how you choose to live...

Violence is a word that brings different things to different people's minds...to me the pain that my DOM brings me is not from a violent place...again...it is in how you look at it...as with everything, people will always have their own slant on things...

Learn from others...take from them what appeals to you and yours. Check out the library...ask tons of questions...you'll find your way...


Welcome...
joanna

 

[A Desert Rose]

If any of you could help me with a question I have regarding the BDSM lifestyle I would be most grateful.

My SO other is very interested in BDSM, virtually all aspects of, from discipline, and humiliation, to bondage and beyond. (why I suddenly got this flash of Buzz Lightyear with a riding crop makes me think I really need help...lol) He is quite eager to venture into the lifestyle, however I have no real interest in any aspect of aside from the power exchange involved. The D/s aspect is more then intriguing to me, it's downright arousing, and I think it would be something I would be eager, even excited to try.
So then my question is...
Is it possible to venture into the BDSM lifestyle without the whips and chains. Can a true BDSM relationship exist strictly within the context of Domination and submission without the violence attached? I know I can eagerly partake of the D/s but most of the rest just makes me cringe.

I'm not going to address this further than say the first misconception you have is that bdsm involves violence.

In the perception of those of us who practice it and/or fantisize about it, that is incorrect.

There are others here who can address your post much better and more articulately than I can. I would also suggest that you read the library and sites that are referred to.

Good luck to you.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Re: A newbie question

okayyyyyyyy.... I'm just one big fuck up today.... never mind.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Mr Blonde]

Is it possible to venture into the BDSM lifestyle without the whips and chains. Can a true BDSM relationship exist strictly within the context of Domination and submission without the violence attached? I know I can eagerly partake of the D/s but most of the rest just makes me cringe.

Sure! There is no shortage of people who focus (almost exclusively) on D/s without including any (or almost any) S/m in their relationship.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Newbie here, too. Just wanted to point out that some of this is how you interpret it. For instance, I'd totally not consider myself a 'pain slut,' more of a pain wimp, yet love to have my neck nibbled on and bitten. Garden-variety hickey bites. Same thing for bondage. I like my wrists held, being held up against the wall, etc. Pretty mild stuff, which can come from the same impulses. There are plenty of things that fit the general bdsm/ds category without fitting the stereotype.
Don't know if I"m explaining myself well here. Just trying to explain that it made a difference to understanding the more extreme areas by giving a new look at some things I was already familiar with and making those connections. If you're distracted by seeing it as all about whips and chains, it can be hard to see whether there might be more here that you like.

And, as others have said, definitely check out the library.

 

[Beloved]

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to respond.

Desert Rose~ I hope I didn't offend you, or anyone else, by saying that the violence was something that I wasn't into. Perhaps I chose my words poorly. I don't know what else to call some of the acts I have seen, read about or know to be associated with BDSM. I do fully understand the pain inflicted upon a submissive is wholly consensual and wanted, but I don't know how else I should decribe it but violence. Again I didn't mean to offend.

Catalina~ See that is my thought exactly, and my concern with delving into this to far. The physical pain and humiliation elements seem to be very arousing to my husband and they are just a tremendous turn off in my eyes. We have discussed it some and he wanted to know why, and I felt like such a twit for not having a real reason other then I'd murder anyone who tried it wqith me so therefore it must be the way it is. Juvenile Response of the year! I don't know if it's something I could bring myself to bring into our sex life, and I don't know if just the D/s aspect of it would be fufilling enough for him. I think he may be wanting a more hardcore scene then I can do.

hisownprecious~ you make a good point about pain not always being violent, and it's those subtle psychological elements of D/s that excite me so much, but I can't seem to get beyond bringing physical pain to the one I love, even if I know it's something he wants, perhaps even craves. A dominant who's unsure if she can give a sub what they need...pretty damned useless I guess!

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Tbut I can't seem to get beyond bringing physical pain to the one I love, even if I know it's something he wants, perhaps even craves. A dominant who's unsure if she can give a sub what they need...pretty damned useless I guess!

Ohhhh.... Have I got a site for you!

Thought it was the other way around, which seems to me much harder to work with.

Check out this site:
http://www.akashaweb.com/goodgirl.html

There is more than that one article, so see the bottom of page for other links. Bet you find a LOT of helpful ideas and ways to think about this there. Good luck and happy playing.

 

[Beloved]

omg! what an amazing site! I've been buzzing there on and off half the day....

TY TY TY!

 

[s'lara]

Hello and welcome Beloved.

i must admit that much of what i was exposed to concerning BDSM initially came from stereotypical images and stories which portrayed D/s as a leather-fest complete with whippings and humiliations. As we all know, there is more to any particular practice than what meets the eye.

i think it possible for you have D/s without the sadism or masochism. However, it sounds like your SO is intrigued by the S/M aspects of BDSM and that will pose a problem if you harbour a fear for those kinds of activities.

As with most things, there are levels, degrees if you will, of BDSM activities which you can explore safely and at your own pace. It isn't necessary that you endure extreme humiliation or heavy pain initially. What is important is that you examine each step you make during the exploration process and verbalize to your SO what you felt and whether it is something you can handle on a continual basis.

The akasha website is a good one and i've listed some links from our Library that might be helpful.

Contracts

Checklists

Discipline

Dominance

Exploration

Introspection

Limits

Links

Pain and Sensation

Relationships

SafeWords

Submission

Total Power Exchange (TPE)

i know the number of links seem a little daunting, but these subjects relate to specific areas of exploration and might be informative.

Good luck to you and a pleasant, but safe journey into D/s.

lara

 

[Etoile]

I would suggest that your partner should be reading this stuff, too. If he is new to the lifestyle, and if he is going to be the one on top, then he really needs to learn about safety and responsibility before you let him try anything that could be potentially harmful. Especially if he is the one equating D/s with violence - it's just not the case for many couples, although some relationships do involve pain and suffering along with the D/s (as mine does).

 

[Beloved]

s'lara~
wow that really is a daunting amount of information, but thank you so much for taking the time to put it all together for me. I have read through some of the links already and will be reading more as time permits. I don't want to do the speed read skim on these, so I'm trying to wait until I have some quiet time to really digest the info provided.

Yes my SO is in fact very intrigued by the SM aspects of the lifestyle, and yes you're exactly right in that most everything I'vebeen able to get my hands on regarding BDSM shows a degree of EXTREME humiliation of pain that I simply cannot see myself being a party to.
We are still very green on all of this as we have just begun to test the waters, but for right now I am still unable to see how certain aspects of the lifestyle are arousing.
I think right now my fear is that he has the same stereotyped image of a female dominant in his mind that I did. The leather clad, whip toting, full blown bitch. Thats not what I'm looking for and if it is what he's looking for then....I don't know.

As I said the idea of domination and submission is so very intriguing to me. The power exchange aspect of the lifestyle a definate arousal, but right now we're trying to find out what exactly each of us is expecting from this and trying to find a happy medium.

Etoile~

We are reading them together and thank whatever gods there be we've been able to be brutally honest with each other thus far about the expectations we have of each other, but it's very hard to explore it fully when we are just learning about the lifestyle ourselves.
He's not the one equating violence with the lifestyle, that's me,and I think violence may be very poor wording on my part, however I'm hard pressed to find another for some of the things I've seen, of course as s'lara said...things aren't always what they seem.

 

[Beloved]

edited because once again the fucking website wasn't responding and I ended up double posting!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

 

[Etoile]

We are reading them together and thank whatever gods there be we've been able to be brutally honest with each other thus far about the expectations we have of each other, but it's very hard to explore it fully when we are just learning about the lifestyle ourselves.
He's not the one equating violence with the lifestyle, that's me,and I think violence may be very poor wording on my part, however I'm hard pressed to find another for some of the things I've seen, of course as s'lara said...things aren't always what they seem.

No, I think I understand what you mean. Maybe consensual violence would be better wording for you?

 

[Phoenix Stone]

omg! what an amazing site! I've been buzzing there on and off half the day....

TY TY TY!

YW YW YW! It's a really good feeling to be of help. Someone here at Literotica passed that one on to me and I've been continuing the favor ever since. (We had to reverse the sexes in scenarios but the concepts were the most help. For instance, understanding the violence part in terms of sensation-play, or externalizing the internal, rather than just thinking pain.)

The literotica links 'slara sent are of course terrific. Another outside forum that I liked because it didn't take itself seriously and seemed more accessible than many, was this article at castlerealm: http://www.castlerealm.com/library/dammit.shtml

 

[Netzach]

I'm a leather clad bitch by profession and a pants wearin' princess at home. Akasha's is my favorite site as a roadmap for domestic female dominance *ever*. It really empowers the individual....whereas sites like Eloise Sutton's give a new supposedly Dominant woman a list of "you must do's"

 

[Pure]

i just don't see much 'female domination' at the akasha site at all.
just my depraved pov and 2 cents.

or, if she wants that term, f d, for her enactments, fine; she can be 'cosmic queen ruling the universe' if she likes. but let's be clear: in my view, there's no actual power exercize or subordination.

j.

 

[sunfox]

I think right now my fear is that he has the same stereotyped image of a female dominant in his mind that I did. The leather clad, whip toting, full blown bitch. Thats not what I'm looking for and if it is what he's looking for then....I don't know.

First off... I'd tell him to stop getting his ideas from porn (Teasing. Well, mostly, cause let's be honest... that's where the leather bitch in boots picture mostly comes from. In our house, the only bitch other than subby, moody me is the dog, and as a quirk, she has a leather collar. Maybe I should train her to wield a whip?)

He's not the one equating violence with the lifestyle, that's me,and I think violence may be very poor wording on my part, however I'm hard pressed to find another for some of the things I've seen, of course as s'lara said...things aren't always what they seem.

I like to think of it in football terms... necessary roughness, and unnecessary roughness. You can handle someone roughly and have it give much the same thrill as spanking or cropping them, in my experience. It all depends on how deep into the hard stuff you're both looking to go.

 

[Beloved]

Sunfox~

something you said just absolutley split my sides with laughter. Your dog being the only other bitch in the house....well when I was speaking with a very darling friend of mine and I told him I was thinking very seriously about dipping my toes in the BDSM pool and seeing if I could swim he chuckled a little and said- jokingly of course being as he's something of a Dom himself-
Great! First you cut the dogs balls off and now you're going for your husbands! How exactly are you not ready for this again?

Seriously though, thanks for your input. It is all to true that men in general and my husband in particular concieve far to many of their sexual notions about women from mainstream pornography. Thankfully though hubby and I have been able to talk and even joke about such misconceptions. I told him the other day that if he's hell bond to have a leather clad whip weilding domme then I'd see what could be accomplished but damnit I was going to draw the line at the 6 inch stillettos. I've had 2 knee surgeries! I asked if leather jackboots would be acceptable instead...lol!

I like the football terminology, though in our house I guess it would have to be a necessary or unnecessary penalty since we're ice hockey fanatics. It does make it a bit easier to wrap my brain around when phrased that way.

 

[sunfox]

Sunfox~

something you said just absolutley split my sides with laughter. Your dog being the only other bitch in the house....well when I was speaking with a very darling friend of mine and I told him I was thinking very seriously about dipping my toes in the BDSM pool and seeing if I could swim he chuckled a little and said- jokingly of course being as he's something of a Dom himself-
Great! First you cut the dogs balls off and now you're going for your husbands! How exactly are you not ready for this again?

Seriously though, thanks for your input. It is all to true that men in general and my husband in particular concieve far to many of their sexual notions about women from mainstream pornography. Thankfully though hubby and I have been able to talk and even joke about such misconceptions. I told him the other day that if he's hell bond to have a leather clad whip weilding domme then I'd see what could be accomplished but damnit I was going to draw the line at the 6 inch stillettos. I've had 2 knee surgeries! I asked if leather jackboots would be acceptable instead...lol!

I like the football terminology, though in our house I guess it would have to be a necessary or unnecessary penalty since we're ice hockey fanatics. It does make it a bit easier to wrap my brain around when phrased that way.

If you can't laugh about leather clad dominatrixes in stilettos, what can you laugh about? *grin* Netzach and her groovy latex outfits aside, of course.

That's the way to do it.. find terms that make you comfortable. Honestly, BDSM isn't about violence, not the way people think of violence. It's about consentual enjoyment, in a different form than most people think about. As long as you're having fun, doesn't matter what people think.

Welcome, btw.

 

[Beloved]

I read this yesterday and forgot to thank you for your kind welcome! slaps forehead and makes best Homer Simpson impression DOH!

Of course you have to laugh. I believe firmly laughter is the best start to anything and shared laughter is doubly so.
Speaking of leather clad in stillettos...today I stoppped by one of Ye Olde sex shoppes and asked about some Domme wear and I got shown this lovely little red latex number and the sky high heels that matched. The salesgirl about peed her pants laughing when I asked if the stillettos came in wide width!

 

[sunfox]

I read this yesterday and forgot to thank you for your kind welcome! slaps forehead and makes best Homer Simpson impression DOH!

Of course you have to laugh. I believe firmly laughter is the best start to anything and shared laughter is doubly so.
Speaking of leather clad in stillettos...today I stoppped by one of Ye Olde sex shoppes and asked about some Domme wear and I got shown this lovely little red latex number and the sky high heels that matched. The salesgirl about peed her pants laughing when I asked if the stillettos came in wide width!

No problem.. it's hard to keep up with all the threads you're interested in.. that I can definitely commiserate with you on.

I would probably have fell over laughing just like the salesgirl, although with my unstable ankles, I'd be even more funny tottering around on the stilettos. (Though I suspect he'd rather like the latex outfit )

 

[DVS]

Well, information a plenty! And, all of it good. This, though, isn't really my avenue. I'm the Dom, and usually I'm helping the submissive woman understand why her man wants to beat her ass.

But, I do understand the loving wife who can't seem to get into beating the husband she loves. look into all of the info you've been given, here. Like I said, all of it is good.

Also, they all said check into the BDSM library, here. It is also good, when looking for specific things.

But, many have said something I think should be very obvious to you, but maybe not. Anything new is going to be fun. When you add sex to this, it is going to be lots of fun. Your husband is wanting to go full bore into this, and you are kind of intimidated by it, and seem it's your fault for feeling so. Don't feel that way. There is no reason to feel the same as your husband, and he is just blinded by his lust to see your side, right now.

Talk to him and get him to understand you don't feel this strongly about it right now, but you are willing to experiment. Take things slow. Most things new work better when you savor them.

Try something...if it works, write it down in the "do again" catagory. If it doesn't work, make a rule that you might try it again later, but all limits are to be respected, if the experiementation is going to work.

Simple advice? Sure it is. But, these people have been there, and know exactly what you're going through. Go slow, try new things and have fun. Develop your own style as you go. There are no rules except what works between the two of you.