A new level

[anomica]

This is the story I'm most pleased with myself and I've had lots of positive feedback, both on-site and through e-mails. I would, however, like some feedback on the 'technical' side, or 'writing skills' or whatever one should call it. Any and all comments are welcome, but what I really want is some tips for my future writing efforts. Ever since I learned to read I've had a dream that I one day would become a 'real' writer and erotica seems to be a good way to get started since it almost writes itself sometimes.

The story is called 'A new level' and is about a brother and sister whose relationship goes to...you guessed it, another level. You can find it here: A New Level

Thank you beforehand.

/Anomica

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I didn't care for it much. There's nothing to set your story apart from a lot of the stories in that category. I really didn't find there was much of a buildup at all in the story. There was very little doubt even from the beginning that they were going to have sex.

Your writing is really pretty good overall. The one glaring issue is your use of numbers. Don't use numbers where you can use words.

I had been gone for 6 months.

I had been gone for six months.

The brain has to switch gears to process numerical information, so it's best to write the word out.

If your goal was just to write a stroke story, then you've probably succeeded. If you aspired for more with this story, I'm afraid you've come up short.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi anomica, welcome,

Whilst I agree with drk, I looked at your bio and submissions and understand you want to write good stroke fantasy. Nothing wrong in that. Your scores show that you are popular but you asked for technical comment and I’ll try to help as best I can.

First, you need better proofreading. Not only the point about numbers (please never quote penis length – words or figures – it’s such a put-off) but there are quite a few typos, grammar glitches and stuff that need to be cleaned up. I don’t think there is a verb for ‘id’ed’ and suggest you avoid it except in dialogue.

Never start a story with a load of background stuff – people click back so quickly. Jump, feet first, into the action and fill in the gaps as you go along. You could have started with ‘I’ sitting in the airport waiting for his flight and wondering what chain of events had got him there. You can fill in bits of backstory then, but the mistake you often make is to ‘talk’ to the reader. This kills the voyeuristic enjoyment.

Again, time after time you give us an information dump we don’t need and makes us want to skip forward. You telegraph what is to come so much that it is not interesting when it happens. One key event, Mandy dressed to go out for dinner, has been totally compromised by all the stuff with the shoes. What the heck is that stuff about?

Which leads on. A story should only contain details relevant to the plot and ignore anything superficial. Readers’ minds fill in the gaps and you don’t have to laboriously list every move. “They set off. Once in the restaurant all eyes were on Mandy,” works fine and gets us away from the tedium of parking, getting out of cars etc.

You have too much irrelevant detail (what’s the point of the grandparents, the nudie mags, the bus – I could go on). Examine everything you put in your script and put a blue pencil through anything that’s not relevant to the story. I don't say a long story is bad, quite the reverse, but pack your pages with stuff that advances the action

The point about paragraphs in the comments is vital. Five lines is the best limit for paras on Lit. You tend to make it more indigestible by putting a complete sex scene in one para.

My advice? You write well, your dialogue is stilted and not believable and your command of the first person POV is poor - you keep talking to us. Try a third person POV story and write it from a reader’s perspective. You clearly have the ability.

Just a thought. Why stifle yourself in the idiocy of ‘adult-incest’? You could write a great erotic couplings story and, to be brutally honest, as an incest post this was implausible.

None of this is meant offensively. You asked for a techy view. PM me if I can help.

 

[litchipking]

Not bad

What I thought worked:
The strength of your story was the sex scenes. You keep the pace moving and your action is pretty hot.

Also, you didn't rush the fuck. I really liked the masturbation; nice buildup.

I did like the addition of the second girl at the end. Good scene.

What I thought didn't work:

The biggest turnoff for me was the dialogue. It seemed very unnatural and I had a hard time getting past it.

drkside... mentioned the numbers (good point) and elfin... pointed out that there were some misspellings and grammatical errors.

Also, maybe it's because of my lack of sexual prowess, but your characters sure do come a lot. I'm good with stretching a few orgasms per romp, but when they start coming like sneezes the believability quotient drops for me.

Suggestion:

Perhaps you could try the VE program. I didn't use an editor for my first story and even though I still feel good about it, I have gone back and noticed a few mistakes I wish I would have caught. Hopefully there are fewer in my second and third (pending) with the use of a VE. The right editor can not only spot those silly errors and grammatical flaws, but may be able to help with construction and dialogue suggestions.

Overall:

I like your writing. I admit I'm not a big incest fan, but you tell a good story and you're not afraid to let the tension build before getting to the sex. I will keep my eye open for your next submission.

Keep writing,

Chip

 

[elfin_odalisque]

deleted

 

[elfin_odalisque]

litchipking, hi and welcome and thanks for the mention.

I will go read your story and, on behalf of everyone who hangs about here - asking for advice, giving advice, or whatever - thank you very much for joining in. It's what keeps this place special.

Keep going.

Elle

 

[anomica]

Thank you for your comments. I'll take them to heart and see if I can use your comments to improve my output.