A New Dom's Mistake

[bigvinny]

Here's a lesson to other would be Dom's I hope. Two months ago, I met two women two weeks apart here on Lit. Both relationships started as somewhat vanilla, but after exploring a bit and reading a lot about D/s, I discovered my Dominant side, and became an online Dom to both within a few weeks. sub A knew about sub B, but not visa versa. Both are very different, beautiful people which I enjoyed differently.

sub B asked me on a few occasions if there were others. I lied and said no, though I'm a terrible liar. sub A never asked about the other.

My relationship with sub B became more intense and close as she takes her role as submissive more seriously. My relationship with sub A was more playful, yet fulfilling nonetheless. Though I felt I was a distraction in her life due to certain family things.

I decided to tell sub B about sub A, and sub B reacted badly. I had lied and I deserved it. And I realized I was in over my head trying to have 2 subs and lead my own productive life. These relationships are about complete trust or they don't work. People's feelings are involved (you experienced ones are saying duh! Vinny) and one can't afford to mess with them. And I felt terrible for doing so to sub B. She has decided to stay with me and I'm pleased.

For this, I released sub A, which was not fair to her as she had done nothing wrong, but to me was the choice I had to make. If she reads this, she'll now know a bit more than I already shared with her. I'm sorry for that.

Some of you other Doms may be thinking that the feelings of one sub shouldn't have dictated my actions with another. But I feel different.

My warning to other Dom's or those who think they're Dom's...don't fuck with peoples lives. If you are a true Master, tell the truth always or you don't deserve to be someone's Sir/Master. And be big enough to cop to your mistakes.

It has been a roller coaster these past few days and I don't look for any sympathy. But just wanted to open myself up to the groups thoughts and comments in order to improve myself as a Dom.

bigvinny

 

[Etoile]

Wow...that's definitely a complex situation. As you know already, it could have been avoided by being honest up front. But you did end up in that situation...and I'm not sure that any one choice was more correct than any other. You can "what if" all day long and still not know if you made the "right" decision. So you just have to go with what feels most appropriate, and that's what you did.

 

[bunny bondage]

honesty really can set you free. a lie is like poison in your soul, and i'm glad it didn't consume you. thanks for sharing what i'm sure was a difficult situation for you.

 

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

Thank you for sharing a most precarious predicament. I’m sure it was not easy to play it all out in black and white.

You were very accurate however, when you said, “If you are a true Master, tell the truth always or you don't deserve to be someone's Sir/Master. And be big enough to cop to your mistakes.”

This goes for any kind of relationship. It is so much easier to remember the truth than all the lies stacked up on each other.

 

[Guest]

 

[Amity]

If i was sub A, i agree with a previous post and would be hurt as well. Although honesty is still the best solution to everything. i hope You can forgive Yourself and enjoy Your more fulfilling relationship with sub B. As for sub A, i hope she learned her lesson in trusting someone too fast. i know for me it is a big thing. Had i decided to trust someone completely, made the jump and give way 100%, then the rejection would hurt even more, and would not be ready to trust anyone else for a very long time.

Although, as You said, if You think it was just a distraction in her life and that is was just a "playful" relationship, then no biggy, i suppose.

Only You know the depth of the relationship that was, what You asked of her, what limits she crossed for You. Point is, though, it is the past. Accept Your decision, move on, and be the best Master You can be.

pet Amity

 

[bigvinny]

Thanks...

I appreciate everyones comments. Thanks for sharing your perspectives.

The road to hell IS paved with good intentions, but being honest really helps.

Are there no male Dom's with some words of wisdom?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Re: Thanks...

I appreciate everyones comments. Thanks for sharing your perspectives.

The road to hell IS paved with good intentions, but being honest really helps.

Are there no male Dom's with some words of wisdom?

The ladies have pretty well laid it out, big fella. I winced as I read your initial post, mostly for the subs, but a little for you that you had put yourself into such a situation.
Having done so, however, it appears that you have done almost as honorably as you could, though I would think it would have been better to give all the truth to both subs, rather than let one or both of them read some of the details here.
Good luck to you. I hope the lesson(s) you've learned from this experience stay with you.

 

[FungiUg]

Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.

You need to have a serious discussion with yourself about why you felt the need to lie in the first place. What was it that made you afraid to just come out with the truth, and be honest with your partners about who you really are?

I also know that I have this insane urge to complicate my life and relationships. But that can only go so far, so balancing multiple partners is something that takes work and effort and honesty.

Sometimes a lie can be a way of preserving your own privacy. I do understand that. And of giving yourself options to explore before you make up your mind. But do understand that it is real people's emotions you are playing with.

Online relationships are very easy to form on a basis that is totally divorced from real life. Adding deliberate lies to the mix only makes that worse.

In terms of 'fessing up and so on -- you should have been completely honest with the first woman. She had the right to know what was going on. You gave her that right when you accepted her into a relationship with you. So I would say the real person you need to confess to still remains.

My recommendation would be to put together an e-mail or letter to her, outlining what you did and why. Don't try to make yourself look good or cover over what you did. But also, don't be shy about saying "yes, I stuffed up, I made mistakes, I am new to this and only human." Because that's true.

There's no guarantee how she will take that, but you do owe it to her.

And if nothing else... learn from your mistakes! Mistakes are okay, so long as you don't repeat them. It's sad that someone got hurt, but that's the risk we all take when we get involved with people.

 

[silver_inari]

sub B asked me on a few occasions if there were others. I lied and said no, though I'm a terrible liar. sub A never asked about the other.

Ouch. She asked on a few occasions, and you lied about it more then once. *wince* I can't really sugarcoat anything, as that's pretty bad. The whole nature of the dominance/submission relationship totally relies on trust. Think about it from sub B's prespective; if you lie about such things, how could she trust you with her submission?

That being said I also do feel quite sorry for sub A as well. Any ending of the relationship when it is involuntary on her part is bound to sting.

*shakes head*

I will say this, you realized it was wrong and fixed it, albeit as difficult, embaressing, and painful as it may have been. Admitting publicly I think is also a hell of a thing.

Learning is not always easy, but it is usually worth it in the long run then not learning a lesson. I bet ya you won't make this mistake again.

 

[FreeGal]

Big Vinny,

Yes, you made a mistake and you hurt them, but you came clean in the end. I admire you for doing so in such a public way, too.

Yes, you did wrong, but we all make mistakes (admittedly some mistakes are bigger than others and we don't always hurt others as a consequence of them). Move on from this now and cherish sub B for being so forgiving and for staying with you.

You were honest in the end and that's what really matters. Use this now as a platform to building an even stronger relationship with your sub. She will trust you again, eventually. It may take some time for the pain to go away and for the trust to be completely re-built, but I believe it can happen and you can move on from this. Be gentle with her and reassure her, often.

All the best.

FreeGal

 

[MissTaken]

Not a male Dom, but piping in anyway

I do respect your having come clean. Sometimes, cleaning up our mistakes hurts not only us, but those around us.

To that end, it appears to me that your message is clear.

Too often people engage in BDSM, and in particular online BDSM, as though it is a game. Truthfully, there are moments and parts of the lifestyle that definitely mirror gaming. We plan, we strategize, we get special feelings when our plans are successful.

However, BDSM is never a game. We engage with real people with real feelings, regardless of whether we are online or in real time.

Especially, when you are not face to face with your sub, you should be honest and respectful at all times. You don't have the ability to read their eyes, their body language etc. Also, what may have happened here was that in the excitement of exploring, vinny lost track of teh humaness behind sub A and sub B.

Thank you for sharing. I think this is a lesson that many, many people can benefit from. In particular, and no I am not categorizing you among these, but the Doms who are online, "collecting" subbies. And vice versa....

When you get down to it, all relationships are "real", feelings are "real", risks are "real", no matter how you engage in BDSM....or in vanilla relationships.

Rambling is almost done................where is my second cup of java?

Additionally, sending hugs and well wishes to both submissives involved. It must have been very difficult for them and I can certainly empathize.