A New Dom Who's a Little Lost...

[DoublePlusGood]

Hello there, all!

A little introuction - I'm a 21 year old guy who's been introduced into the world of BDSM by an online sub. This sub and I have recently parted ways, and this has left me a little, well, lost. I enjoy the feeling of dominance and the trust that my sub gave to me during our time together, but I'm concerned about my lack of experience, I don't know how to go about getting more rpactical experience without being in a D/s relationship, and I'd be concerned that I would not be the best of partners in a relationship and would be hesitant to get into one due to my lack of experience. I mean, a new sub can be taught the ropes by an experienced Dom, but it doesn't work the other way around, does it?

I don't know, maybe I'm being silly, but would any more experienced Doms be able to give some advice on this situation? Or are there any Doms or subs who'd be willing to talk about their experiences?

Anyway, for those of you who are curious, I'm from the UK, and I'm half african (my father's side) and half white, I'm 6'2", very wide shoulders and I very much like humiliation play, and would like to branch out into various other areas of Domination.

Well, even if you don't reply, thank you for listening to me ramle for a little bit

Cheers

++G

 

[myinnerslut]

there is no rule preventing you from studying and learning on your own. the bdsm libraty on lit is a great place to start. as are a lot of the threads.

if you wanted more real life experience, you can check to see if there is a bdsm group or much in your area.

 

[unregistered]

 

[SweetErika]

Of course newer doms can learn from more experienced subs!

I learn on my own by doing tons of reading and research. I've also gotten a ton of knowledge by talking to more experienced players online and in my local community, going to demos, play parties, tasting events (where I can bottom for things I'm interested in and see what catches my eye). In addition, I learn every time I practice by trying new techniques and getting plenty of feedback from my sub or bottom.

With anything new/interesting, I start by researching the basics and safety aspects of the activity to get a foundation for more practical and advanced experience and techniques. Depending on what it is, I'll usually try it on myself first, perhaps get more info and watch a demo by an expert in the community, experiment with my sub a little bit (like with impact, I started hitting my guy in different positions in the living room while he was wearing heavy jeans), and finally start out lightly in a scene. If I have questions, I ask here and/or experienced players at local parties. [Obviously, the exact process depends on what it is and how much risk is involved; for instance, learning to use a softer flogger didn't take that much, whereas getting into needles and fireplay required a good amount of research, advice from experts and practice in a very controlled environment.]

I don't find learning to be difficult, but it does take a lot of time, thought and effort on my part. I've met quite a few people in my local scene who have volunteered to help me learn, co-top scenes and even be practice bottoms for me. It seems like the local communities in many areas are really good about putting on educational events and helping newbies, so in addition to researching on your own, I'd suggest seeing what's available in terms of workshops/classes, experts, munches and parties locally. Maybe you'll find someone who would like to mentor you or can help you meet others who are happy to teach you what they know.

 

[the captians wench]

I had a play mate at one time who was a new dom. We had a wonderful time.

Me being more experienced, I could give him tips on how to swing a cane, or when to push further and when to slow down (which is a personal thing that will vary sub to sub) and so on. It also helped that he had a switch wife so I could deminstrate some things on her.

He picked up things well, and there was never any doubt who was in charge. He also studied some on his own and we would talk a lot about what he had discovered.

There will be some limitations, but yes, it is possible.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

All good advice here, which I won't repeat.

Some things, you can only really learn by doing them. When I trained as a nurse their were loads of things that you simply can't learn from a book. I still remember vividly the first injections I gave, the first sutures I sewed and many other things. Book learning taught me the theory, how to keep things sterile etc but the act of sticking a drug loaded needle into another human being had a profound effect on me that nothing could have prepared me for. All I could think of (despite having triple checked the drug, the dosage, the area to be injected) was that I could kill someone by fucking this up.

BDSM is a bit like that. There are some things that you will just never comprehend until you experience them in real life. Having the theory down is a huge advantage but at some point, you just have to trust yourself and your partner and take the plunge.

Don't be tempted to pretend that you have more experience than you do. If someone is going to trust you to dominate them, the least they deserve is honesty. My Sir was completely new to BDSM when I met him (though like many of us, not new to the urges and fantasies) and we learned everything together. This was actually really cool and a lot of fun. There was far less pressure in trying things out with Sir than there might have been in submitting to an experienced dom as a newbie sub. Sir is now my Master, I have become his 24/7 slave, we are engaged and have never been happier.

I would also think that there are many wannabe subs in your age group without a great deal of experience. Humiliation play isn't for everyone in the lifestyle but if you are honest about what you want and stick to your guns, I'm sure the right girl will come along. It's always daunting to start looking for a partner who's genuinely kinky but your patience will pay off in the end.

Google for BDSM 'Munch' meetings in your area. These are kink free gatherings at a restaurant or bar where people come along in perfectly normal clothes and chat about the lifestyle. You can also check out other sites like alt.com, collarme.com and mydungeonspace.com for social networking and dating. Lit has a BDSM personals subforum within the Literotica Personals forum.

 

[subwannabe]

I personally think your best bet is to date women, at some point letting them know what you like and finding someone who is willing to go down this road with you. They can either be experienced themselves and work with you or they can be inexperienced and willing to learn together. I don't believe most people realize just how many "kinky" people there are out there or how many closet kinksters are out there. This is kind of like masturbation in that we feel guilty about our feelings and are led to believe through conditioning that we are not normal. The fact is that we are normal. We do masturbate and we do have some kink in us that has either already come out or has been wanting to come out. I honestly believe people with no kink in them at all are in the minority. I don't think you should feel that if you are not experienced as a dom that you need to learn more first before you find someone.

 

[SweetGigi]

I'm a switch with sub tendencies who has often topped for scenes, but never been a full time top. Even though I have good techniques, I still have very little experience with staying inside the PYL mindframe all the time.
Recently I was petitioned to be become the Domina for a sissy maid 24/7. It was an honour to be asked, but I must admit I was nervous about not only my experience, but by the responsibility required to take on such a position. After long consideration and a wonderful initiation scene, I agreed to take the sissy maid on as my sub.
Now, thankfully I am lucky enough to be surrounded by wonderful people within my local community who have been guiding me. But even though they are offering skillsets and knowledge to help me grow in my role with my sub, nothing helps me better than his knowledge of his needs and desires. He helps me help him my being open and detailed in his wants and gives me feedback continuously as we go through the motions of this new life. I will not deny it, things are tricky and I am still learning, but then again who isn't in perpetual learning?
My meaning is this; no matter what avenue you take, you are gonna learn something. Whether its with a sub or in lessons from an experienced top, you are gonna learn something with every turn so long as you are open to it.

 

[Itigirl]

penis power video

there is no rule preventing you from studying and learning on your own. the bdsm libraty on lit is a great place to start. as are a lot of the threads.

if you wanted more real life experience, you can check to see if there is a bdsm group or much in your area.

Oh, thank you for sharing that...I don't think I've laughed that hard in a long time....

 

[lilylicious]

I'm a fairly new Domme and I was really nervous and a bit overwhelmed when I first got started too. I think you'll find that that researching things and talking to people will really help your confidence. Until you feel confident, just fake it and stay within your comfort zone of activities you've engaged in previously.
I have learned so so much from this board and even the stories on Lit and think you will too. You've got to understand most stories aren't realistic but they'll help you figure out what, besides humiliation of course, turns you on. You can also glean some creative ideas from the stories.

However, spending some time on this board will really help you see how to best implement bdsm in the real world. Take advantage of the wisdom and experience the posters here share so freely. You're on the right track just by being here and wanting to learn.

 

[EasyDoesIt]

There's a lot of good suggestions above that should be helpful growing into D/s lifestyle. For years I had a totally "vanilla" mindset, and it was a lovely submissive lady who helped me understand and explore D/s play. Fond memories.

Dominance is not about being domineering and controlling. There is a different kind of respect and love that submissives and dominants share....I never understood that in my younger years. Many not into D/s have no understanding of that side of this kink.

Would be glad to talk via PM's. Keep reading...there is much to learn about building rewarding D/s relationships. Good luck.

 

[pandora777]

Perhaps the way forward could be to re-establish your relationship with the online sub, or another online sub, and explore domination further with them. This would mean there would be less pressure on you, whereas in a real life relationship there is the pressure of feeling that you might mess up which would then have a detrimental effect on your confidence. Everyone has to learn something new sometimes and it's not always easy!

 

[Feral_Intelligence]

I think I have a fair grasp on your situation. I am a fairly new Dom. All of my experiance has been online so far, though that is partialy by choice. I understand what it means to new to domming and not sure what to do. The only thing that really helps with that is to become comfortable with it. That means you have to do it.

I would recomend putting an add in the BDSM section of the personals here on the boards for an online only sub. I think that you will find it easier to explore initially with someone online where the consenquences of mistakes are far less harsh. Make sure to let people know that you are new as a Dom. People will not look down on you for that. In fact, you may even find an experianced sub that will help guide you.