A New Beginning for a Dead Marriage (closed for Becaa57)

[SmokingFap]

"I don't know if we can get past it, Bec. If **I** can get past it. But it seems that for now, at least... Well, I think we can at least be civil with each other. And since Cal's off at college, I can stay in his room for a while. You should keep our-- the master bedroom. We'll have to have a sit-down with Abby, when she gets back home from that trip, but we'll figure something out. I'm just glad she wasn't home for all of this..."

I light up a fresh cigarette and grab our precious crystal ashtray, such an unpretentious bauble, but a tangible reminder of better times, of when our love was still new and fiery. You've always hated smoking, but somehow you loved me enough to marry me anyway.

I glance over at you and see that your robe has slipped open, revealing one of your still-beautiful breasts, one of your brown nipples. Then I purposely look out the window and joke, "Looks like the puppies want to come out and play," like I used to when we were much younger and you loved going braless in tight t-shirts.

 

[Becaa57]

"I don't know if we can get past it, Bec. If **I** can get past it. But it seems that for now, at least... Well, I think we can at least be civil with each other. And since Cal's off at college, I can stay in his room for a while. You should keep our-- the master bedroom. We'll have to have a sit-down with Abby, when she gets back home from that trip, but we'll figure something out. I'm just glad she wasn't home for all of this..."
"Are you sure? I can sleep on the living room couch, I don't want you to be upset about it
We have what 2 weeks before she gets back? Hopefully can work something out by then!!"

you stare off into space, who knows what's going through your mind

"Looks like the puppies want to come out and play,"

I blush and close my robe up.

"Sorry didn't mean for that to happen!!"
"I'll go put some clothes on, stay here please"

Getting up, and rushing into the bedroom, just grabbing a t-shirt and some shorts
"God can things get worse!!"

"Looking at myself realizing the t-shirt shows more then robe ever did."
I grab a sweatshirt and pull it on too, now I'm covered up

Going back out to the deck.

"Thanks for not leaving"

 

[SmokingFap]

I sigh heavily and look out into the yard and beyond, not really seeing anything. "I don't have anywhere else to go, Bec. I was so lonely in that hotel last night. I needed so desperately to talk to someone about what was going on, but YOU'RE the one I always talk to when some shit hits the fan. You were my best friend before we ever became lovers, and long before we got married. And now it feels like I'm not only losing my wife, but my best friend. And all over, what? Sex? Just sex? Was it really worth maybe throwing away over 30 years of marriage just to fuck?"

I light another cigarette, not because I crave one, it's just something to do right now. I blow the smoke away from you, but then look in your eyes again.

"I'm really trying to understand here, Bec. But you got to give me more than just, I'm a sex addict. What ABOUT fucking those other men were you addicted to? Did they all have huge cocks? Were they all just better than me? Was it just the thrill of being a bad girl and maybe getting caught? Did they do things for you that I don't, maybe dirty things we've never explored together? What? What was it that made you risk our marriage for all these years, and may have finally put a stake in my heart?"

 

[Becaa57]

My heart is breaking looking at you in so much pain because of me.

"I was lonely too Charlie. It's funny you don't miss what you have until it's gone. Something as simple as cuddling up to you because I was cold and wet"

I sigh, also looking at nothing

"No the sex wasn't worth the pain I caused you, when you say it like that, I feel so dirty! I know I deserve everything you've said and so much more. I wasn't thinking of the consequences When I did this"

"It's like when you were sneaking shots of whisky out here, trying to hide it from me. You knew you shouldn't be, but you did it anyways. Knowing I'd be upset if I found out"

Holding up my hand when you start to protest

"I know not as bad as that!!! Shit Charlie I'm not stupid, granted what I what I did was dumb"

"I just couldn't help myself"
"Fuck I know how that sounds, so weak, so pathetic"

"I just don't have another way of saying it"

"I'm really trying to understand here, Bec. But you got to give me more than just, I'm a sex addict. What ABOUT fucking those other men were you addicted to? Did they all have huge cocks? Were they all just better than me? Was it just the thrill of being a bad girl and maybe getting caught? Did they do things for you that I don't, maybe dirty things we've never explored together? What? What was it that made you risk our marriage for all these years, and may have finally put a stake in my heart?"
"You don't think I'd give you a better answer if I could???"

"They did not all have bigger cocks then you, several of them much smaller actually, and trust me you are a fantastic lover."

"If anything it was the thrill of it, being a bad girl, doing things that I shouldn't!!!"
"I wish I could undo it all honestly. You've done nothing, well almost nothing to deserve this"

I'm crying by now. Wishing I had a reason I could tell you, other then just lust

 

[SmokingFap]

I stand up and pull you to your feet, and wrap my arms around you, pulling you tight and crying with you. I'm still not sure I can ever forgive you. And even if I can forgive you, I just don't see how I can move past this and have a functional marriage again. All I know is that right now, you and I are both in terrible pain, maybe have been for a long time, and we both need to finally let it all out.

I run my fingers through your hair as you sob uncontrollably against my chest, my own tears falling onto your short reddish- brown hair like rain. I kiss your forehead and murmur, "Why didn't you just tell me? That you wanted to be bad? That you wanted to be DIRTY? Hell, I watch all sorts of porn that turns me on, that I could never imagine you and I doing. If you had just told me, we could have just been dirty TOGETHER! You could have been MY bad girl. Maybe even..." I let the unthinkable idea die on my lips.

I pull you tight again and rock you in my arms. My mind starts churning through what depraved sex acts you could have been enjoying with your lovers. Maybe things that I had jerked off to watching on my laptop. Things I was far too ashamed to ever broach with you. Is that what you were thinking too? Is that why you went outside of our marriage? To explore fantasies you were too ashamed to talk about with me? Shockingly, I feel my penis starting to swell in my pants. I subtly pull my crotch away from you and curse my perverted mind.

 

[Becaa57]

We hold each other, both of us crying. Your tears falling onto my head, mine soaking your shirt.
I have no idea how we will get through this, I believe/hope we will.
then you sob

"Why didn't you just tell me? That you wanted to be bad? That you wanted to be DIRTY? Hell, I watch all sorts of porn that turns me on, that I could never imagine you and I doing. If you had just told me, we could have just been dirty TOGETHER! You could have been MY bad girl. Maybe even..."

I laugh through the tears.

"I thought about telling you, but HOW??? It's never been brought up when we talked about fantasies. What I'm supposed to say, sex last night was fantastic, but would you mind if invite our neighbor over for more???? God honey!!!! How do you tell your husband you love him, and the sex is great, but kind of want more??????????"

shaking my head against your chest.

"I hated going behind your back, for this. I never imagined you'd be ok with it, not in a million years!!!"
"I know you look at porn, but I've never paid attention to what you look at"

"And now I've destroyed us!!!!"

Sobbing onto your chest

 

[SmokingFap]

I'm about cried out, so I decide to lighten the mood a bit. I pull away from you, but hold you by the shoulders. I give you a bleary-eyed, wan smile and ask, "Which neighbor?"

The question breaks the teary ice, and you laugh as you wipe the salty dew drops from your cheeks. I laugh along with you, then hug you again.

"Maybe it's time we finally had that talk we should have had years ago," I say into your ear as I run my fingers through your short-cropped hair. "You up for it? Or do you need an emotional break for a while?"

 

[Becaa57]

Both of us covered in our tears. Looking at each other, but did manage a laugh.

"Maybe it's time we finally had that talk we should have had years ago," I say into your ear as I run my fingers through your short-cropped hair. "You up for it? Or do you need an emotional break for a while?"

"If you promise to be totally honest with me. I will be with you. I think it would be best to do it now, at least one talk. It's probably going to take a couple."
"Guessing you want a cigarette and a drink? I know I know I want a drink."
"On the deck or kitchen table?"

 

[SmokingFap]

I smile, thankful that you're accepting my olive branch. "Well, it's finally Spring, and it's beautiful out, so why don't we just talk out back? I'll have whatever you're drinking. I think we're both going to need some liquid courage to finally be completely honest with each other."

I grab my cigarettes and our crystal ashtray, then step out through the screen door and go sit on our old porch swing.

As I light up a Marlboro Light, I take a deep breath and let it out, then roll my shoulders and my head around my neck, trying to relax and put myself to an open mindset. I think I might have as many secrets as you do with regards to fetishes and fantasies. You may not like hearing mine anymore than I want to hear about some of yours, but there's also a chance that we share more secrets than we realize. If I can get over the battering my ego has taken, we might have a whole new world to explore together.

 

[Becaa57]

I make us both a screwdriver. Figuring we're going to loosen our tongues so make it a bit strong

Sitting beside you on the swing

"So, you're willing to work on us? I sure am"
"But have no idea how to start this"

"Do you have more questions, or maybe something else?"

 

[SmokingFap]

I look up at the sky in thought. "Shit, I almost don't know where to start. But I guess at the beginning would be best. Why did you decide to cheat the first time? Was it someone you know or just some random guy? And did you do anything special, or did you just need a good fuck for whatever reason?"

 

[Becaa57]

"I guess a good place to start"

"We'd been married about 4 months, you were working late a lot. Not sure you remember, my boyfriend Joe?"
"Well, we had planned to go out for lunch, but that night you were going to be late, and it ended up being a dinner date"
"I think I let you know"

"God, I don't know it happened, I guess too much wine, although not a good excuse"
"We ended up in his bed!"

"I almost told you, but you were such a terrible mood that night about your work, I kept quiet"

"It was just sex, nothing special. But did something to me"

 

[SmokingFap]

I grind my teeth as I process the information. Maybe this was a bad idea to just get everything out on the table. "Joe, huh? Well, I guess that's somewhat understandable. But no, him being your ex and you having some wine doesn't excuse what you did. And I want to make myself perfectly clear here. Even if you're completely honest with me, which I think you OWE me, I am under no obligation to forgive you for anything you've done. But I want to understand why you did it. Now, was that just a one-time thing or the beginning of an affair? And what do you mean, it DID something to you?"

 

[Becaa57]

"Shit, this was a bad idea!!!"

"OK, I KNOW you don't have to forgive anything I'm done, and I also KNOW that you may decide that we're not worth saving. I AM being as honest with you as I can. We've been married a long time and I may have some details missing. But I'm being as FUCKING HONEST as I can be with you"

Taking a drink

"Remember you asked me"

"It's hard to explain what it did to me, and I know you probably hate me saying that now"
"I guess the closest I can explain it, is that even though the was good, not great. The excitement of doing it was something I'd never experienced before, that made me want more"

"And yes, it was the beginning of an affair. One that lasted for a long time, on and off"

Blinking back tears, telling myself I'm done crying over this. It's done can't be undone, it's up to you what happens next.

 

[SmokingFap]

"O-kaaay...," I sigh, trying to maintain my composure. "Weren't we still fucking quite a bit back then? I just don't understand what you were missing."

I take a swig of the screwdriver, thankful you made it strong. Then I light a fresh cigarette, wondering if I even want to know anything else. You wipe your eyes and grab our antique crystal ashtray, placing it on your bare thigh. After taking a long pensive drag, I slowly trim the ash in the thick crystal bauble, hoping you feel the heat from the glowing cherry, wanting to hurt you a little.

 

[Becaa57]

"O-kaaay...," I sigh, trying to maintain my composure. "Weren't we still fucking quite a bit back then? I just don't understand what you were missing."

sighing as I think how can I answer that
"That's a question I asked myself every time. The sex with you was actually much better then him"
"Closest I can come up with, is the excitement of doing something I shouldn't be. Sounds so stupid now."
"I mean I knew what I was risking, and tried very hard to keep it from you"

Watching you take a drink, then lighting another cigarette. on a spur of the moment, I take the ashtray, and put it on my bare thigh. Not sure why? Maybe a way to punish myself???
When you trim the ash, taking your time. The heat does travel through it. No wonder it messes up table tops!
"That gets hot!!"
But not moving it.

"I wish I could give you better answers to your questions, you deserve better then me"

 

[SmokingFap]

"So you aren't just... a sex addict, as you say. You get turned on by doing something risky? Or maybe just something naughty? Like, after Joe, perfect come on I have a club what kind of risky or dirty things did you do?"

Noticing that you're leaving the ashtray on your thigh, I leave my cigarette in it to smolder and torment you.

 

[Becaa57]

"So you aren't just... a sex addict, as you say. You get turned on by doing something risky? Or maybe just something naughty? Like, after Joe, perfect come on I have a club what kind of risky or dirty things did you do?"

"I guess both, if you put it that way, but you've known I liked risky sex for years now. I think the naughty or taboo even maybe??? I don't know I never tried quantify it, just not let it too far over my life"

"What do you mean you have a club???"
"I never thought of it as dirty, just sex!!!"

Feeling the ashtray heat up from when you just leave the cigarette there, noticing that you turn it, to keep the hot part at the bottom. Have a feeling I'm going to have a red mark there

 

[SmokingFap]

"I feel like I'm getting more questions than answers," I growl, grabbing my cigarette and taking a drag before roughly crushing it out in the ashtray, not caring if it burns you or not. "What fucking club? What are you even talking about right now? And you're turned on by naughty or taboo stuff, but you don't think it's dirty, it's just sex? You aren't making a single ounce of sense right now! And what the fuck have I been to you all this time? Just the guy who goes to work and brings home a paycheck? You fuck me when none of your other studs is available? Jesus CHRIST!"

I slap the ashtray off your leg out into the yard, stand up, and storm back into the house.

 

[Becaa57]

I
I sit there stunned
when you storm off after first knocking the ashtray off. without thinkin
I clean up the mess and put it on the table by your chair.
Going in after you

"I'm sorry I didn't understand what you were and asking. YOU were the one mentioned a club, I never did!!!!"

"And I'm sorry if you think sex is dirty!!! I can't help that at all"

"You've been my husband, the man I love!!! And if that's not good enough then'
"You know what, just fuck you!!!!"

I storm out of the kitchen and go to my room, crying on the bed

 

[SmokingFap]

I'm absolutely overwhelmed right now. The vortex of emotions won't even let me think clearly about anything. I hear you crying, but callously think, this isn't about YOU right now. You've been making it all about yourself for years, your own needs and desires, no matter what the cost to our marriage or the damage to me. I need more time to myself. Fuck you. Or fuck one of your lovers. I don't care right now. I may never care again.

I think about leaving you a note, but angrily decide against it. I grab my keys off the kitchen counter and leave the house, to stay another night at the hotel.

 

[Becaa57]

I hear the door slam, think about text him, but why bother. The slamming door sounds to me like he is shutting the door on our marriage.
I get up and it's childish I know, but I make myself a very strong drink. Go out on the back deck.
his cigarettes and ashtray are there

Take a drink, then put the ashtray on my thigh, light one of his cigarettes and keep the cherry hot in the ashtray, accepting the pain as my punishment for my actions.
I do that for the rest of the cigarettes in the pack and when I'm done have a definite burn on my thigh.

I am dozing off, so get up, empty the ashtray in the bucket you have there for it, go inthe kitchen wash it and my glass and stumble to bed.

I wake in the morning, make some strong coffee. No word or sign of him.

I go in the room, and pull the box of pictures out.

Going through them, why I don't know but planning to burn them.

After a while, I realize I'm hungry. Decide to treat myself to a breakfast.

I pull on some clothes, a bit of makeup and comb my hair.

I leave the stuff on the bed, and go out to my favorite restaurant for breakfast, and much more coffee

 

[SmokingFap]

I show back up at the house late in the morning, determined to gather up enough things to stay at the hotel for a while. I think it's still too early to make a decision on divorce, but I think we need some time apart to reassess our marriage.

Your car is gone, so I'm thankful that I'll be able to pack in peace and quiet with no conflict. I decide fuck it, I'm going to have a drink. It's almost noon, and a bloody Mary sounds amazing. I pull out all of the fixings and make myself a big super deluxe. When I take a big gulp, my eyes close in bliss and I begin to relax again. I consider having a cigarette in the kitchen, but I'm not sure I want you to know I was home, so I step out onto the back porch.

I see our crystal ashtray, clean as a whistle, as well as my lighter, as I sit down and light up. Can't believe I left half a pack of cigarettes and my lighter here last night, obviously wasn't thinking straight. Had to get more on the way to the hotel.

Then I notice the bucket I keep out here for my butts. I'm puzzled when I see nearly a dozen half-spent cigarettes in the bucket, some with traces of your lipstick on them. I've only seen you try a cigarette once in the years that we've been together, and you made the sourest face. I can't imagine that you set out here and smoked half a pack of my cigarettes, but... maybe you were missing me and just wanted to smell something familiar?

I sit on our porch swing on a beautiful day and enjoy my drink and a couple cigarettes before I head inside to start packing up. When I get up to our bedroom, I'm shocked to find the box of your pictures sitting on the bed. The pictures you've kept over the years of your encounters with your lovers. What the fuck?!? Were you actually REMINISCING about all of your cheating last night while I was the hotel?

I'm immediately tempted to take the box out back, douse it in lighter fluid, and destroy your disloyal memories forever. But some morbid curiosity forces me to sit down on the bed and start looking through the explicit photographs.

 

[Becaa57]

I sit at the restaurant, eating slowly not hungry. but not wanting to go back to the house yet.
Thinking I probably should have put the pictures away, should burn them as they've destroyed my marriage.

Even after it's all done. I wonder if I could have not had the affairs. I love my husband, but the feeling of a new man was so tempting to me.

I guess if I hadn't of slipped the 1st time, I would have been happily the wife you deserved.

I pay the bill and take the long way back to the house, not sure I can call it home anymore

I see your car in the drive, letting myself in. I look for you.

finding you in the bedroom, staring at the pictures

"I was going to burn those"

 

[SmokingFap]

I've looked through maybe half of the seemingly endless pile of pictures you've kept over the years. Once I got back over my shock and horror again, I started finding myself aroused by some of the pictures. The positions you're in, the variety of cocks that you've taken in apparently every hole, the looks of bliss on your face. My jealousy hasn't completely disappeared, but my lust and desire are quickly overtaking it.

Most of them don't show the man's face, but I do recognize a couple men that were coworkers or that I still consider friends. I mean, they're good guys. Why wouldn't my wife be at least attracted to them? And for that matter, can I really blame them for being seduced by my wife? Especially considering the explicit display of unadulterated sexuality in every photo.

"I was going to burn those," I hear you say, and I flinch, scared out of my mind as you crept up on me.

"Jesus CHRIST, Bec! It wasn't enough that you cheated on me with all of these men, but now you want to give me a heart attack by sneaking up on me?"