A Massage to Remember by DeniseColo

[Couture]

A Message to Remember

Okay, I read it, but I had a difficult time of it. Here's why:

There is a narraration in the beginning about adding another woman to a wife and her husband's lovemaking. Don't narrate without good reason. Show don't tell.

Then a few paragraphs down, there is even the definition of fantasy. I looked forward to definitions for penis, vagina, and cervix, and how they all interrelate, but to my dismay there weren't any. The author should be careful defining, as it makes the story read like a manual.

Here's my other problem and don't get me wrong . . . I like first person stories, but it is difficult to make them work when you have to relate what other characters have told you. If it is a first person story, you need the main character to be active through most of the story. In this story it didn't happen.

Then the story moves the actual action. I almost didn't make it to this point after all the narration and definitions, but here the story begins to redeem itself. This part is actually quite good, and if the main character talked to the girl that was massaging her, it would have been even better.

The characters need to talk. Why I thought for a moment there that I was reading a Jean Claude VanDamme script. Even when the girl does talk it sounds as if she is a robot.

"May we move to the bedroom?" "Would you like me to continue in this way?" Does anyone actually say that? Not from where I'm from.

Good idea, good descriptions, nice scenery.

Need to improve dialogue, action, and lose the narration and definitions.

 

[Singularity]

Your story has the ring of truth to it, Denise. Am I right in guessing that you actually experienced what you are writing about? I do hope so.

First a couple of suggestions about content:

I felt like I was left wanting to know more about how the husband found the masseuse, and how the subject of a threesome came up and how she came to be there for the massage and later in bed with you. You bring up the subject early on, and don't expand on it. Somewhere in the story, the "how this happened and why" and "why she was there" would be nice to know more about.

When I went back and reread the story a second time, I realized that there was no real description of the massuese. To help establish the personality and the intimate relationship being developed, some descriptive references or a mental picture of her would be helpful to me, as the reader.

Also, through the entire duration of the massage (once it started), the husband is completely absent from the story. He doesn't reappear until the very last paragraph. Since this was his idea, I would have hoped that there would have been more interaction between you and him during the massage, at least emotionally if not physically (if it had been me, I would definintely want to get at least some literary attention/recognition for my Good Deeds).

On the technical side, a few more thoughts.

One of the things I always do with my stories, Denise, is to read them aloud. Either to my own ears in private, or to someone else (all of my Training Michelle chapters have been read, and recorded as voice-mail for The Michelle before being posted on Literotica).

Hearing the words spoken aloud can help immeasurably in finding things that don't 'sound right,' even though they 'read right' to the eye. It can make a huge difference. I heartily recommend it.

Here are a few things that jar the reader out of enjoying the story.

In the first paragraph, "The neat thing about it for me is; he has always paid special attention to my undivided pleasures!" doesn't sound right. "Undivided attention" makes sense, but I don't know what an undivided pleasure is (other than a carton of ice cream I hog all to myself).

I would steer away from the regular use of ellipses (the ...). Like all good things, they are best used in moderation.

You have some overly long paragraphs, that combine too many elements. When there is a new speaker, or a transition to a new thought, you should start a new paragraph. Better to err on too many paragraphs rather than too few, especially for online readers.

Thanks for sharing the story. Please do write more ( and be especially nice to that husband-person).

I hope there is a sequel (both in real life and in words).


Singularity

 

[BodaciousTease]

My intended destination

Thanks for your story. I enjoyed reading it and also felt that I was reading a real experience conveyed by first person. So in that sense the story is very affective.

I agree with a lot of what Couture and Singularity said in their reviews.

There is such a thing as "psychic distance" for narrators that you should be familure with, if you aren't already. In terms of film, you might think of it as a dolly shot running from a long-shot all the way up to a very close-up shot which brings the viewer into the story. It's sort of hard to explain how psychic distance translates into writing or how the narrator creates that feeling. It may be easier if I demonstrated it.

1) Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived a man in the mountains

2) Bob Fallen was a mountain man of the old school of mountain men that rarely now exists.

3) Bob had been a mountain man since the day her turned sixteen.

4) He had loved those mountains his entire life. Now that it was winter and the snow came floating down in big flakes, he knew the road into town would be closed in a matter of days.

5) I wasn't sure exactly the first time I looked towards those mountains with the thought of never looking back, but I'll never forget the day I actually did it.

6) The ice cracked, then groaned under the leather boots until the whole slab buckled and gave way. In a gasp, all eternity was thrust from my lungs, and into the bitterly cold trap of death I went.

In each case above, the viewer (if I've done this correctly) feels less distant or removed from the actual story. At number 6) hopefully you feel you are living it yourself.

Although you have written in the first person, which generally (not always) gives a closer psychic distance, the words you use and the way you narrate this story gives your tale a very distant and removed feeling -- almost like a fable. Is that bad? No, not in and of itself. What it does, however, is give the story a more intellectual rather than a visual experience.

As a result we are convinced the story is true, but Couture, Singularity nor myself actually feel this story ourselves -- THAT is where their complaint lies. In other words, the greater the psychic distance, the less "hot" the quotient for masturbation effect.

A story with constant far psychic distance often feels too formal.

I too had problems with you defining words. I too stumbled over stilted phrases of speech that would be more comfortable in a fantasy book or something written in the 19the century.

"pleasure me", though a new term, is one I hate. Granted, I think I'm more in the minority on this but all i can think about it mirrors over revolving beds and porno flicks on the tv with men in mustaches. How about when we "make love" or when "we fuck".

"During lovemaking" again I have visions of swinger's parties. I'm sorry, I'm from the midwest, how about "when we make love"

"At the prescribed time, she arrived": let's see, is this in King Author's court or present day? How about "At four-thirty, she arrived"

"warmed essential oils" what exactly was done with the non essential oils?

"to bed with my lover was where my intended destination was focused"

and on and on and on. Now, none of this is bad, per say. It's a good story, but the distance you place the reader from the actual experience is pretty far back.

I say this only so you will understand why some don't find it as hot as it might be.

I disagree with Singularity in terms of involving the husband. This is the wifes wet dream not the husbands.

Hope this helps

Natasha

PS oh, I almost forgot, on the whole its a good story but the "fable' feel, for me brings it down a bit, it also suffers in that its not as hot as it could be (that's the apsychic distance again) and so I give it a 3 on my vote. I'm sorry if that bumbs you out but that's a very respectable score for me. Keep writing.