A look into my life...through words

[ray313]

I like covering many different subjects with my poetry, from love to fear. One day you might see a love poem while the next is a sad ryhmed story, I like to change it up and keep people on their toes . Let me know what you think...good or bad


Let's start a with a sexy one...a little fantasy.

"Fantasy"

I can feel your body quiver,
As we lay back on the bed.
You whisper in my ear, and ask:
“Hold my arms above my head.”

My fingers caress your body,
While my tongue samples your breasts.
I feel you fidget with your legs,
And I know what that suggests.

But I don’t think you are ready,
More foreplay must I perform.
I want your body, hot as fire,
And right now, it’s only warm.

I taste your neck and lick your ear,
Then I press my lips to yours.
I can feel the expectation,
As your body temperature soars.

I have one more thing left to do,
As I slide between your legs.
I lick your thighs to your ankles,
You grab my head and you beg.

I hear a sigh escape your lips
As I stick my tongue inside.
When I breath in the labia,
I feel you pull your legs aside.

My tongue climbs up the clitoral shaft,
And then down the other side.
Caressing it with rhythmic strokes,
All about, you feel it glide.

I hear you moan then grab the sheets,
Your body starts to spasm.
Your pleasured screams ring in my ears,
As I taste your orgasm.

But that is not enough for me,
I must taste that once again.
Though it is now too sensitive,
So I must gently begin.

Your vagina now is dripping,
As I stick my thumb inside.
You pull your arms over your chest,
When I move it side to side.

You feel it coming on again,
For I have mastered this craft.
And I feel your body explode,
As I taste the clitoral shaft.

It is like the sweetest nectar,
And I’m intoxicated.
My thirst is overpowering,
It cannot be abated.

And so I drink you in again,
For I simply cannot stop.
Orgasm after orgasm,
I must consume every drop.

After an hour you cry out,
Through trembling lips I hear you plead.
“I want to feel you inside me.”
It’s a request I must heed.

I make love to you for hours,
Until the sun starts to rise.
Knowing soon you will be waking,
And we must say our goodbyes.

For I’m only a fantasy,
Just a lover in your mind.
And it is here inside your dreams,
That our passion is intertwined.

But I’ll always be here waiting,
Hoping you’ll return to me.
Within this realm of fervent dreams,
And erotic fantasy.

by Raymond ©

 

[ray313]

"Love Sweet Fantasy"

Part I

Our time shared at dinner was such a delight
That I keep on obsessing on holding you tight
When dinner is over I then put out the candles
And take you upstairs taking off your sandals

As I gaze at your eyes I see a look so hypnotic
That just riles me all up in this moment exotic
We arrive at our room and slowly commence
This story of Love that will be wildly intense

Laying you slowly in bed we both start to kiss
This moment enraptured with passionate bliss
Caressing you lightly I hold all your fingertips
Yet we carry forth while we keep locking lips

You smile deeply from the gems you call eyes
Then I kiss your tummy and hold your thighs
Teasefully slowly then we loosen our cuddle
I kiss you, tease you and then hold you subtle

I bite your lips playful as you slowly undress
All your body now bare as your soul I caress
You tease me slowly and take of my clothes
I nibble on your neck and you curl your toes

Clutching each other now charged with desire
The cores of our souls take us rapidly higher
Now lying on my back you then straddle me
We kiss with much passion now lost endlessly

Erotic and slowly we then begin making love
Sounds are now heard from below and above
Many whispers, gasps, and even slight moans
Are each done by you in the most cutest tones

Lustfully spicy now true Love’s being made
Purely erotic of moments now being displayed
The wildest of lust, you have now made me sin
Yet forever I am yours from outside to within

From the day that we met I waited for this day
Our night is now done as it’s gone its own way
This night of great pleasure for us now to keep
Exhausted and tired then you drift off to sleep

I hold you now closely and whisper in your ear
It has been only one night but it feels like a year
You slowly wake up smiling and look up at me
And I then whisper in your ear “I love you baby”

by Raymond

 

[WickedEve]

Forced rhyme is a major problem in your poetry.
For example:

As I gaze at your eyes I see a look so hypnotic
That just riles me all up in this moment exotic

Try free verse.
Your lines need to sound natural. In some areas, you use poor syntax: "More foreplay must I perform." You're forcing your words to conform to a rhyme scheme. Again, try free verse.

 

[ray313]

WickedEve: You are completely right, these are older writes from me and that was my problem and I have been told that a lot. Thank you, I'm glad you read them and pointed it out.

How about something like this...

"A Kiss in the Rain"

We step out of the car and into the street
You can hear it hit softly, like the patter of little feet

It’s such a magical time, like sunset on the ocean
We’re caught in its spell, and we move in slow motion

I move in close, with my hands on her waist
I take it slow, no rush, no haste

The rain slowly falls and the full moon shines
She slides her arms around my neck, and says “your mine”

The rain picks up and it soaks our hair
But our eyes are focused, we have no cares

I whisper in her ear, “I love you my dear
“You will always be smiling, you have no use for tears”

“I will love you forever, is my vow to you”
“You are my heavenly dove, may it always be true”

She smiles at me, with joy and bliss
My lips meet hers, and in the rain we kiss

The rain itself, dances all around
As I kiss my sweetheart, without a sound

The rain glides through the air and I hold her tight
It’s like the angels are crying, such a beautiful sight

Her tongue touches mine and its ecstasy
A kiss in the rain sets my emotions free

She pulls my lower lip and it takes its toll
My whole body tingles, like I’ve lost control

As the rain falls down I just can’t believe
That I need her to move, to think, to breathe

I take a step back and I look in her eyes
She tells me she loves me and my heart just flies

If you believe perfection simply isn’t real
Kiss your love in the rain, and I promise you’ll feel

Many things in this world can wash away pain
But none of them compare, to kiss in the rain

 

[TheRainMan]

you titled the thread "A look into my life through words."

is there anything in your life that rhymes?

do you talk in rhyme? walk in rhyme? sleep in rhyme? -- anything?

if not, why in the world would you write in it?

and if so, remind me not to buy the house next door to you.

. . . oh, you are agreeing with Eve, but i don't think you understood what she suggested -- she suggested the same thing i am suggesting -- stop writing poems with end words that rhyme.

and welcome to the Poetry Boards, Ray.

 

[champagne1982]

Rhyme in poetry... Yes, it's not all it used to be. Most modern poetry has eschewed formula schemes and structures, however, many modern poets are still writing poems that feature rhyme as the primary poetic device. There are so many other tools in the box that today's writers would do well to attempt the more sophisticated free verse.

Don't be mislead by the name. Free verse doesn't mean poetical anarchy, it simply means that your poetry can be written a bit like jazz. All of the technique and skills are there but are presented in new and innovative ways.

If you love rhyme (and I suspect you do) why not try to write in a set formula? Attempt a sonnet or a villanelle: challenge yourself in writing in metrical verse while trying to adhere to a rigid rhyme scheme. As you grow more familiar with the forms you'll find yourself searching for ways around the rules. That's when end rhymes become near rhymes become eye rhymes become free verse.

Happy writing.

 

[wildsweetone]

WickedEve: You are completely right, these are older writes from me and that was my problem and I have been told that a lot. Thank you, I'm glad you read them and pointed it out.

How about something like this...

"A Kiss in the Rain"

We step out of the car and into the street
You can hear it hit softly, like the patter of little feet

It’s such a magical time, like sunset on the ocean
We’re caught in its spell, and we move in slow motion

I move in close, with my hands on her waist
I take it slow, no rush, no haste

The rain slowly falls and the full moon shines
She slides her arms around my neck, and says “your mine”

The rain picks up and it soaks our hair
But our eyes are focused, we have no cares

I whisper in her ear, “I love you my dear
“You will always be smiling, you have no use for tears”

“I will love you forever, is my vow to you”
“You are my heavenly dove, may it always be true”

She smiles at me, with joy and bliss
My lips meet hers, and in the rain we kiss

The rain itself, dances all around
As I kiss my sweetheart, without a sound

The rain glides through the air and I hold her tight
It’s like the angels are crying, such a beautiful sight

Her tongue touches mine and its ecstasy
A kiss in the rain sets my emotions free

She pulls my lower lip and it takes its toll
My whole body tingles, like I’ve lost control

As the rain falls down I just can’t believe
That I need her to move, to think, to breathe

I take a step back and I look in her eyes
She tells me she loves me and my heart just flies

If you believe perfection simply isn’t real
Kiss your love in the rain, and I promise you’ll feel

Many things in this world can wash away pain
But none of them compare, to kiss in the rain

i love the idea, i love the act of kissing in the rain. i think you portray the idea nicely, in a romantic way. slow, long, quiet kisses.

for me, kissing always seems to enhance all my senses all at once. i hear other sounds, traffic, or kids, or creaking doors; i taste the remnants of breakfast, or toothpaste, or lovemaking; i feel so much, the play of tongue on tongue, tongue on teeth, on lips, the pressure of a mouth against mine, a hand holding my head; i often see nothing as i close my eyes to keep my body open to just feeling, though sometimes i see colours behind my eyelids, sometimes i watch the face of the other person, notice the creases by their eyes, the pores on their skin, the colour of their pupils if they dare to watch me watching them.

now, to look at this poem you've written and see what my thoughts are...

"A Kiss in the Rain" (i would delete the " marks and simply put the title in bold)

We step out of the car and into the street
You can hear it hit softly, like the patter of little feet(do i want to think of the patter of little feet, i.e. babies, at this time when i want to be thinking of what your title promises?)

It’s such a magical time, like sunset on the ocean
We’re caught in its spell, and we move in slow motion(i think there is tautology in the phrase 'It's such a magical time' - the rest of the line and the line following actually indicate the magic without having to say it.)

I move in close, with my hands on her waist
I take it slow, no rush, no haste(take what? be specific)

The rain slowly falls and the full moon shines
She slides her arms around my neck, and says “your mine”(can you see the full moon through the clouds of rain? 'your' should be 'you're' and i have a personal preference of liking spoken words within poems to be in italics without the need for speech marks)

The rain picks up and it soaks our hair
But our eyes are focused, we have no cares(your lyrical subject's eyes are focused on her hair, is that where you want them focused?)

I whisper in her ear, “I love you my dear
“You will always be smiling, you have no use for tears”(why mention tears? there is nothing leading up to me expecting to see tears to this point.)

“I will love you forever, is my vow to you”
“You are my heavenly dove, may it always be true”(whilst this sounds poetic, it doesn't sound language someone of today's era would use in speech)

She smiles at me, with joy and bliss
My lips meet hers, and in the rain we kiss(i think tautology 'with joy and bliss' is unnecessary as her smile indicates that already)

The rain itself, dances all around
As I kiss my sweetheart, without a sound(see my above note - there are sounds, lots of sounds, including the rain)

The rain glides through the air and I hold her tight
It’s like the angels are crying, such a beautiful sight(the lyrical subject is watching the rain and not his love?)

Her tongue touches mine and its ecstasy
A kiss in the rain sets my emotions free('its' should be 'it's'. show me what ecstasy is like using words, i want to experience it myself too)

She pulls my lower lip and it takes its toll
My whole body tingles, like I’ve lost control(i think the word 'like' seems to slow down the line. would you lose anything if it wasn't there?)

As the rain falls down I just can’t believe
That I need her to move, to think, to breathe(i have a 'thing' about the word 'just'. i think it's not necessary here. do you mean your lyrical needs her to move for herself, or for himself?)

I take a step back and I look in her eyes
She tells me she loves me and my heart just flies(again, remove 'just')

If you believe perfection simply isn’t real
Kiss your love in the rain, and I promise you’ll feel(i like this but am unsure about it... perhaps saying what will be specifically felt will help?)

Many things in this world can wash away pain
But none of them compare, to kiss in the rain(nice ending. add in 'a' before 'kiss')

i hope something in what i've suggested is of use to you.

and welcome to Litland.

 

[ray313]

you titled the thread "A look into my life through words."

is there anything in your life that rhymes?

do you talk in rhyme? walk in rhyme? sleep in rhyme? -- anything?

if not, why in the world would you write in it?

and if so, remind me not to buy the house next door to you.

. . . oh, you are agreeing with Eve, but i don't think you understood what she suggested -- she suggested the same thing i am suggesting -- stop writing poems with end words that rhyme.

and welcome to the Poetry Boards, Ray.

I had plans of adding other things besides just ryhmes, i should have said that in the title your right. I write a lot about myself and I'll have to rethink that title...hmmm

I do agree with Eve and you in every way, but I wanted to see what she thought of a different ryhmed poem, the next one will be free verse.

Thank you very much for your comment, please feel free to do so in the future too

 

[ray313]

Rhyme in poetry... Yes, it's not all it used to be. Most modern poetry has eschewed formula schemes and structures, however, many modern poets are still writing poems that feature rhyme as the primary poetic device. There are so many other tools in the box that today's writers would do well to attempt the more sophisticated free verse.

Don't be mislead by the name. Free verse doesn't mean poetical anarchy, it simply means that your poetry can be written a bit like jazz. All of the technique and skills are there but are presented in new and innovative ways.

If you love rhyme (and I suspect you do) why not try to write in a set formula? Attempt a sonnet or a villanelle: challenge yourself in writing in metrical verse while trying to adhere to a rigid rhyme scheme. As you grow more familiar with the forms you'll find yourself searching for ways around the rules. That's when end rhymes become near rhymes become eye rhymes become free verse.

Happy writing.

I have attempted those and I agree I do lean towards ryhming, but I will post some of my attempts at other styles and I hope you will read those and let me know if I did ok on them.

Thank you for your suggestions and comment they will be taken to heart

 

[ray313]

Wildsweetone: Thank you so much for that, I know that had to have taken a lot of time and I can't thank you enough for taking the time to disect that poem. Maybe I'm weird but usually during a kiss I notice nothing but the kiss, it's like I go deaf to the surroundings. I am already revising it to make it better and make more sense.

I was gonna quote it, but it was long and I didnt want to take up too much space

All of your comments will be thought about and taken to heart. I hope you can check in at times and give me some more pointers.

Thank you very much!

and yes I do smile a lot

 

[ray313]

A few that I've tried, they are short but I think they are suppose to be


A Rondelet

My true love,
Such a sweet and innocent smile,
My true love,
I feel as if you're from above,
We have been as one for a while,
My thoughts as you walk down the isle,
My true love.

Dear, if only (ryhme royal i think is what it's called)

I am, a season ticket of madness
A ride on the path of insanity
I am a picturesque view of sadness
A wonder lost for all eternity
A vision of tears and of vanity
Where my soul lies empty and so lonely
And I cry to the night Dear, if only

Always (a septolet i think)

Always
Do I try
To mend
Broken things;

Every
Injured soul
Has broken
Wings.


I gave these a try earlier, I would love to hear what others think thank you all in advance

-Raymond

 

[Angeline]

A few that I've tried, they are short but I think they are suppose to be


A Rondelet

My true love,
Such a sweet and innocent smile,
My true love,
I feel as if you're from above,
We have been as one for a while,
My thoughts as you walk down the isle,
My true love.

Dear, if only (ryhme royal i think is what it's called)

I am, a season ticket of madness
A ride on the path of insanity
I am a picturesque view of sadness
A wonder lost for all eternity
A vision of tears and of vanity
Where my soul lies empty and so lonely
And I cry to the night Dear, if only

Always (a septolet i think)

Always
Do I try
To mend
Broken things;

Every
Injured soul
Has broken
Wings.


I gave these a try earlier, I would love to hear what others think thank you all in advance

-Raymond

I like the last two poems here best of all you've posted thus far.

I don't have a problem with rhyming in poems, but poems that make heavy use of rhyme, especially at the end of each line or every other line, tend to have a singsongy quality. These poems often seem simple, as if they're written for children, and I think that's why the style has fallen out of fashion in modern poetry. The other thing you need to watch for in poems is cliche or overused language. When I write something, I go back and edit to make sure I've said things in original ways.

Welcome to the poetry forum and don't mind the critique. We push each other here in order to become better poets.

 

[ray313]

Angeline: I'm glad you liked those last 2 . Song like? yes, that's actually how I started writing, I wrote songs so I think it's a habit that I will have to slowly break.

Thank you for the critique, that's exactly what I was looking for. How would anyone get better if everyone liked what they were doing, so I'm glad everyone here is helping me.

Thank you again

-Raymond

 

[ray313]

Roses

Red rose
So beautiful
Soft petals
Subtle curves
Deep crimson
Red as blood
Rich scent
Velvet touch
Ruby depths
Red as wine
Silken petals
Burning fire
Scarlet shades
Burnished hues
Sunset drips
Cherry tinge
Scent of passion
Crest of love
Fires of fury
Sent from above


What lies beneath
Those folded arms
Of silk?

-Raymond

 

[darkerdreamer]

As much as I'm not a fan of the listing style (despite how often I fall victim to it), these are some lines worth painting on the wall.

Burning fire
Scarlet shades
Burnished hues
Sunset drips
Cherry tinge

Keep at it, that one is leaps and bounds better than the rest, imo.

 

[ray313]

As much as I'm not a fan of the listing style (despite how often I fall victim to it), these are some lines worth painting on the wall.



Keep at it, that one is leaps and bounds better than the rest, imo.

Thank you very much, I'm not really a fan of it myself, but it's a change


An Angel

Immersed with a never ending pure gift,
Embracing her father’s tender love,
Imperfect unlike most her kind,
God’s most favorite angel,
Closest to his own heart,
Created special,
To show to all,
Perfection,
Is not,
Love,

Nor,
Is it,
Appearance.
To show the world,
This appalling girl,
With tattered wings of brown,
With riven tarnished old clothes,
Straggly, gloomy, filthy black hair,
With a sharing, loving heart throughout,
God’s most favorite angel of true love.

-Raymond

 

[WickedEve]

Ray, you continue to post poems at warp speed. Perhaps you should slow down, learn, read some other poems, check out some of this forum's threads. Try a poetry challenge. How about Poetry exercise #1 by unapologetic. Give it a try.