A long road ahead...

[Art H.]

I suppose I should start by saying thank you to all who read this post. Yesterday morning, a sub I "Dom" told me very politely that she needed more out of our relationship and said she wouldn't submit until I truly learned what D/s is. I agreed because she has learned what she needed to as a sub through reading, asking questions etc. Her submission is a gift I long to truly earn by bettering myself...

I'm what I'd call an "internet Dom." You know the type, I'm sure I want to break myself of that title and become a true Dom, in both mind and deed. However, I'm unsure where precisely to begin and could use thoughts on my situation as well as general advice on how to essentially start from scratch.

Don't hesistate to ask questions of me, either...

 

[SweetErika]

Are you active in your local/the nearest community? Do you go to munches, have RL friends in the lifestyle, etc.?

If not, I'd suggest starting there. Don't be afraid to admit you don't have a lot of RL experience - I've found BDSMers to be incredibly generous with their time and knowledge, and almost always happy to share whatever they have with others who are interested, in general.

 

[Art H.]

Are you active in your local/the nearest community? Do you go to munches, have RL friends in the lifestyle, etc.?

If not, I'd suggest starting there. Don't be afraid to admit you don't have a lot of RL experience - I've found BDSMers to be incredibly generous with their time and knowledge, and almost always happy to share whatever they have with others who are interested, in general.

I would but being disabled requires a ride, which requires awkward explanations to family

 

[catalina_francisco]

I know many here suggest attending munches, groups etc., as the way to go, but IME it is not absolutely necessary, nor is it always practical for a variety of reasons. I have never in my life attended a lifestyle party, joined a group, or been to a munch and yet I managed to find an experienced Master (who had done those things in the past and hated all of them) through online ads, met, married, moved to Europe where he lived, and have been living 24/7 for almost 5 years now and it just gets better. My suggestion would be to read what you can with an open mind, decide what fits for you and/or what sounds like something you could find real and believeable in a relationship, not just do because someone tells you it is what a Dom does, and participate in discussions in places like this forum where you can get a range of ideas, opinions and experiences, and grow, have someone to sound things out with, find like minded folk and learn in a relaxed and fun way. It is a journey, and one which never ends as you will always be learning no matter how much experience you may have. The main thing to remember is it should be something which brings you joy, not something which is done totally for the others enjoyment and desire.

Catalina

 

[CutieMouse]

What is her definition of "what D/s is?"

What's your definition of it?

What do you want out of a D/s relationship?

What does she want out of a D/s relationship?

Your post mentioned that she'd learned what she needed to in order to understand her submission, through reading, asking questions, etc... that's pretty much what I reccomend for you. The more detailed the questions, the more fitting the answers, IMO... "How do I become a true Dom?" is hard to answer, as we have no idea if you are seeking out a very physical oriented relationship with a masochist, or a relationship baed on mental/psychological dominance, or a relastionship based on service, or what. Everybody does this differently, and puts their own twist on things, you see.

The Loving Dominant by John Warren is a good place to start, as is the Library thread tacked at the top of the forum. Read threads here, ask questions, etc- you'll figure things out.

 

[FurryFury]

Recently there was a discussion about how "the gift of submission" is BS.

Reading here will no doubt help you.

Fury

 

[Art H.]

What is her definition of "what D/s is?"

What's your definition of it?

What do you want out of a D/s relationship?

What does she want out of a D/s relationship?

Your post mentioned that she'd learned what she needed to in order to understand her submission, through reading, asking questions, etc... that's pretty much what I reccomend for you. The more detailed the questions, the more fitting the answers, IMO... "How do I become a true Dom?" is hard to answer, as we have no idea if you are seeking out a very physical oriented relationship with a masochist, or a relationship baed on mental/psychological dominance, or a relastionship based on service, or what. Everybody does this differently, and puts their own twist on things, you see.

The Loving Dominant by John Warren is a good place to start, as is the Library thread tacked at the top of the forum. Read threads here, ask questions, etc- you'll figure things out.

Great and poignant post, Cutie. Personally, I tend to favor mental/psychological dominance but don't seek to exclude some physical play. With it being a net relationship, I can do a great deal more as I'm not hindered by my disability and I use that to my advantage

That said, I'll certainly mull the questions you posed...

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Hey Art , you have been missed around here. Thought you might like to peruse this thread as well as considering the advice offered in posts preceding mine.

Wishing you all the best

PS I know much of the language isn't sensitive to todays standards . Doesn't change the fact that there is some insightful informaton shared.

 

[Art H.]

Hey Art , you have been missed around here. Thought you might like to peruse this thread as well as considering the advice offered in posts preceding mine.

Wishing you all the best

Long time, no see To be frank, I'm surprised I'm remembered lol. How have you been? *checks the thread*

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Long time, no see To be frank, I'm surprised I'm remembered lol. How have you been? *checks the thread*

I remember you well. Let me see , weren't you the dom sporting the Jack Sparrow AV at first ?

 

[Art H.]

I remember you well. Let me see , weren't you the dom sporting the Jack Sparrow AV at first ?

Ye be correct, lass! It's scary how many times I've watched the trailer for At World's End...

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Ye be correct, lass! It's scary how many times I've watched the trailer for At World's End...

Yarrr that be me , memory like an iron sieve . I'll take your word on the trailer Art

Do you want my honest opinion on what I think might really assist you at this stage ?

 

[Art H.]

Yarrr that be me , memory like an iron sieve . I'll take your word on the trailer Art

Do you want my honest opinion on what I think might really assist you at this stage ?

I sense bluntness ahoy, but I came seeking advice Shoot!

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

I sense bluntness ahoy, but I came seeking advice Shoot!

More to the point many may disagree with me on this than actual bluntness Art.

I think it would be brilliant if you could find a Mentor whom identifies as a dominant. Preferably one whom you can at least speak to via the phone at a bare minimum.

More to the point one who is an established member of a BDSM Community within general proximity to where you live. One who can give you a good kick in the ass if you're lamenting fate too much and can help you embrace the strengths in yourself that already exist as a platform to be built upon. It can be a lucky dip making the right connection , again then what isn't ? It may require patience take to find one that you are compatible with. As Catalina said "It is a journey, and one which never ends as you will always be learning ". I sense you are feeling adrift currently , you need a anchor dude.

My thoughts and they -are- worth more than 2 cents ........

 

[Art H.]

More to the point many may disagree with me on this than actual bluntness Art.

I think it would be brilliant if you could find a Mentor whom identifies as a dominant. Preferably one whom you can at least speak to via the phone at a bare minimum.

More to the point one who is an established member of a BDSM Community within general proximity to where you live. One who can give you a good kick in the ass if your lamenting fate too much and can help you embrace the strengths in yourself that already exist as a platform to be built upon. It can be a lucky dip making the right connection , again then what isn't ? It may require patience take to find one that you are compatible with. As Catalina said "It is a journey, and one which never ends as you will always be learning ". I sense you are feeling adrift currently , you need a anchor dude.

My thoughts and they -are- worth more than 2 cents ........

I've considered it but am concerned I may hold myself to their standards rather than my own. Also, I dont know whether my area even has an active BDSM community, lol

 

[CutieMouse]

Evil_Geoff always has a link to the national directory of BDSM groups, but I keep forgetting to save it...

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

I've considered it but am concerned I may hold myself to their standards rather than my own.

:chuckles: Damn you are one frustrating dude Art ! How can you be certain your 'standards' are going to be so estranged. I understand compatibility & common interests waaaaaaaaaaaay outside of the realm of BDSM are a most important factor. Then again you are looking for a philanthropic teacher not a best friend. Happy medium may suffice.

Also, I dont know whether my area even has an active BDSM community, lol

Now I am going to blunt . How many hours have you spent online in the last 24 hours ? You could have googled and emailed yourself into a stupor and have a dedicated answer to that question I suspect in a fraction of that time.

If you believe a claim to dominance is really in you , how sincerely do you really want to realize it ?

I am bowing out at this stage , still wishing you as well as I did several posts earlier

 

[Art H.]

:chuckles: Damn you are one frustrating dude Art ! How can you be certain your 'standards' are going to be so estranged. I understand compatibility & common interests waaaaaaaaaaaay outside of the realm of BDSM are a most important factor. Then again you are looking for a philanthropic teacher not a best friend. Happy medium may suffice.

Now I am going to blunt . How many hours have you spent online in the last 24 hours ? You could have googled and emailed yourself into a stupor and have a dedicated answer to that question I suspect in a fraction of that time.

If you believe a claim to dominance is really in you , how sincerely do you really want to realize it ?

I am bowing out at this stage , still wishing you as well as I did several posts earlier

I've spent waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many hours online, lol. And there are apparently some online groups focused in/around buffalo, just need to find one not overrun with spam...

 

[shy slave]

Just my thoughts.

Nothing can compare to actual 'hands on' if you want to explore physical D/s

A disability may mean you need a little more planning to work out how things will be.
(For example diabetics need to have a snack available)

If you can talk to people in your area (through online groups that also meet up), perhaps there is a willing sub who would be your guinea pig. If they know what works for them and their own limits, they could help you find out what works for you.

In our local munch we have a few subs who are always willing to let newbies PYL's try their skills.

 

[Ice2000]

Hmmm.. interesting problem.

I have never been to a group meeting or what ever.. So that isn't necessary I don't think. I don't know your situation, so suggesting solutions might be a little off base.

I started being dominate with women years ago before I even knew there was a word for it. And was lucky enough to fine a few that enjoyed it. What has always worked for me and I believe it to be the key ingredient is honesty and being frank with your potential lovers.

I suggest you find a gal with little or no experience and ask her if she wants to play....

Most guys have a lack of confidence. DON'T be one of them. You will be shocked at what a little honesty and straight talk will do for you.

Your a net dom so finding out what she likes should be easy.. go for it and good luck.

 

[Ice2000]

opps... must have hit the button twice.. hmm.. can I delete this post.