a little piece

[Lostdriver1964]

Just wondering what do you think of this little piece.
I would have loved to start with a happier one but i just think i am not in the mood for that post

Just a move

A move,
and the door closes
suspending
our smiles away.
From you,
i still feel
the thick air,
that blurs things
and fast
makes us forget
our dreams, drowned
in a stolen Love.

 

[Guest]

Just wondering what do you think of this little piece.
I would have loved to start with a happier one but i just think i am not in the mood for that post

Just a move

A move,
and the door closes
suspending
our smiles away.
From you,
i still feel
the thick air,
that blurs things
and fast
makes us forget
our dreams, drowned
in a stolen Love.

One move
and the door closes
suspending
our smiles away
from you
I feel still
the thick air
that blurs things
and fast
makes us forget
our dreams drownes
in a stolen love.

I just changed the punctuation and the order of a couple of words to smooth the flow. I like it.

 

[Lostdriver1964]

tx

I just changed the punctuation and the order of a couple of words to smooth the flow. I like it.

Thank you helps in english are always welcome for a guy from Italy

 

[WickedEve]

Or you could try it this way:

One move and the door closes,
suspending our smiles away from you.
I still feel the thick air that blurs things
and fast makes us forget our dreams
drowned in a stolen love.

This creates a nice looking minimalist poem, with longer lines to correct those quick, choppy lines.

 

[Lostdriver1964]

yeah

Or you could try it this way:

One move and the door closes,
suspending our smiles away from you.
I still feel the thick air that blurs things
and fast makes us forget our dreams
drowned in a stolen love.

This creates a nice looking minimalist poem, with longer lines to correct those quick, choppy lines.

yes i definetly agree with you thanks
I just guess that being italian it makes me go for shorter lines to reach the music; but in english it can be found in the words themselves and have a good rythm too

 

[WickedEve]

Re: yeah

yes i definetly agree with you thanks
I just guess that being italian it makes me go for shorter lines to reach the music; but in english it can be found in the words themselves and have a good rythm too

You may want to keep the shorter lines. I may be too influenced by other boards where I hear "stop with those choppy lines and don't be afraid to stretch them out!" lol

 

[Lostdriver1964]

Re: Re: yeah

You may want to keep the shorter lines. I may be too influenced by other boards where I hear "stop with those choppy lines and don't be afraid to stretch them out!" lol

hehe now i am a little puzzled LOL
i guess that i am going to re-visit this little piece
and try to make it working

 

[Lostdriver1964]

i like this way more

With my today's bad mood i got to change my little piece.
I like this way more and maybe it is balanced now.



Just one move

One move,
And the door closes,
Suspending our smiles away.

Of you
I still feel the thick air
That blurs things and fast

Makes us
Forget our dreams,
Drowned in this stolen love.

 

[minsue]

Re: i like this way more

With my today's bad mood i got to change my little piece.
I like this way more and maybe it is balanced now.



Just one move

One move,
And the door closes,
Suspending our smiles away.

Of you
I still feel the thick air
That blurs things and fast

Makes us
Forget our dreams,
Drowned in this stolen love.

Ooh, I definitely like that better!

 

[Liar]

Re: i like this way more

With my today's bad mood i got to change my little piece.
I like this way more and maybe it is balanced now.



Just one move

One move,
And the door closes,
Suspending our smiles away.

Of you
I still feel the thick air
That blurs things and fast

Makes us
Forget our dreams,
Drowned in this stolen love.

Oh yes. Very good. You had theraw material before, but now you have an appealing structure.

One little objection though. You start every line with a capital letter. To me that subconsciously means new sentence, even though I know it's not supposed to here, and it got a little confusing to read sometimes. Just try on this:

      One move,
      and the door closes,
      suspending our smiles away.

Cheers!
#L

 

[Lostdriver1964]

Definitive version

Ooh, I definitely like that better!

Thank you, i was sure i could make a good thing, but it is always not easy for me to fix all the things, expecially writing in english.

Originally posted by Liar
One little objection though. You start every line with a capital letter. To me that subconsciously means new sentence, even though I know it's not supposed to here, and it got a little confusing to read sometimes.

That is my deformation i guess, due to my habit to write my works in center of the page and make them a graphical form as well; something that i think it is not possible here. So, since maybe you are right, here there is the definitive version for LIT.


Just one move

One move,
and the door closes,
suspending our smiles away.

Of you
i still feel the thick air
that blurs things and fast

makes us
forget our dreams,
drowned in this stolen love.



Dedicated to someone i cannot remove from my mind and somehow she can make me feel happy and blue at the same time

 

[phyremaire]

Re: Definitive version

Originally posted by Lostdriver1964

Just one move

One move,
and the door closes,
suspending our smiles away.

Of you
i still feel the thick air
that blurs things and fast

makes us
forget our dreams,
drowned in this stolen love.

[/B]

Dedicated to someone i cannot remove from my mind and somehow she can make me feel happy and blue at the same time [/B]

how terribly sad that someone has made you feel so blue..
I'm sure it couldn't be intentional..
I love the way you express yourself..capitalize every freaking word if you want to!

You beautiful man, you.

 

[WickedEve]

Hey, this looks good:
Just one move

One move,
and the door closes,
suspending our smiles away.

Of you
i still feel the thick air
that blurs things and fast

makes us
forget our dreams,
drowned in this stolen love.
----------
I'd submit it to literotica (if that's your intention) this way instead of "capitalize every freaking word if you want to!" I think your willingness to edit says that you care about your poem and you want it to be the best it can be. Bravo!

 

[Lostdriver1964]

Re: Re: Definitive version

how terribly sad that someone has made you feel so blue..
I'm sure it couldn't be intentional..
I love the way you express yourself..capitalize every freaking word if you want to!

You beautiful man, you.

Thank you very much
and you are perfectly right as much i perfectly know: it was not intentional at all....

 

[phyremaire]

Hey, this looks good:
Just one move

One move,
and the door closes,
suspending our smiles away.

Of you
i still feel the thick air
that blurs things and fast

makes us
forget our dreams,
drowned in this stolen love.
----------
I'd submit it to literotica (if that's your intention) this way instead of "capitalize every freaking word if you want to!" I think your willingness to edit says that you care about your poem and you want it to be the best it can be. Bravo!

sorry..i'm just an overzealous fan of the Lostdriver!

 

[Lostdriver1964]

sorry..i'm just an overzealous fan of the Lostdriver!

awwww it is so nice to have a wonderful fan like you