a little perspective please

[knot_sweet]

So my emotions are a lot screwy right now, and it's interfering with my judgement over a relationship issue.

Normally I don't get all hung up about one ending. I'm not one to cry over spilt milk, or clean the mess up. Normally I walk away and get more milk.

But this one has me confused and I need an outside perspective to help me get my head screwed back on and proceed in a way that leads to resolution, one way or another.

Situation:

J and I were together for nearly nine months.
When we got together, I knew he wanted to go into the military, so the relationship started for fun with the knowledge it had a separation date.
I helped, encouraged and supported him to do what he needed to get in, from writing his selection speech to training with him when he didn't want to get out of bed.
And we fell in love.
Unintentional, but you know what they say about the best laid plans of mice and men.

So a month before he leaves, he tells me he thinks it would be best if we were friends.
That he needed to do this on his own.
That he didn't need the stress of worrying about me when he needed his focus to be on getting through basic training and settling in to a new location.

Past history note; his ex-wife cheated on him, they were both often away for work.
Also note; I'm military. Have been for years. I'm well able to cope with separation, distance and the stresses of being a military spouse.

But I agreed, because when you love someone, you want what's best for them right?

Here's the thing.
A week into course, he tells me he still cares a lot about me.
He still worries about me, misses me when he has a moment and comes to me for emotional support and help.
Three weeks in and I'm still the person he's talking to the most.
In fact, none of our relationship basics have changed, except there's no sex and an ocean of things I try not to say because we're supposed to be friends.
But he has given no indication of changing his mind over the breakup.

Another note should be made here.
I didn't handle the breakup too well.
It's one thing to be told it's over because he doesn't care.
To be told he cares, and gave serious consideration to maybe not joining because of me (my response to that was decidedly negative), that's something else entirely.
I cried all over him at the airport, because I was selfish enough to want to say goodbye.
And because I am selfish enough to want him to know that it bloody well hurts and he's an idiot for this.

So here's my conundrum.

Does he mean what he says? Does he still care? If he does, it is just a passing phase he'll get over as time goes on? The fading left overs from the end? If he doesn't mean it, is he helping mitigate his guilty feelings and stress over upsetting me by trying to make me feel better?

What if he does still want me around in that capacity? Why hasn't he asked?
Is he just waiting to see what happens and how things change after a few months apart?

I'm torn between telling him that if he meant it, to fuck someone else so I can move the hell on, and telling him he's an idiot and I'm waiting for him.

Either way, it's getting harder to be in the friend limbo I find myself in.

None of this will affect him while he's on course, I'll make damn sure of that. I want him to succeed in this as much as he does.

But help me out here.

When do you know to give up?


P.S. - I've tried talking to friends and family about this. My mum thinks he's a user and I shouldn't be letting a man get to me like this. My friends have little to offer besides...wait and see.

I can understand the wait and see advice, but it's not working for someone who is used to being in control and generally is very very good at shutting doors on things.

 

[Stella_Omega]

He told you that he needed to break up with you NOT because he didn't care about you, but because he didn't think he could spare the energy to be responsible for you.

Unfortunately, he's already spending that energy. Seems that he's trying to handle it by denial. I have no idea if it will work for him or not... And I don't know if his denial will work for YOU or not.

 

[BiBunny]

Take this with a large grain of salt, considering my own epic relationship dramas, but I'd end the friend limbo.

Essentially, what he's getting is the emotional support of a girlfriend without, to use Stella's words, having to be responsible for you.

If I were in your shoes, I'd pull back. I'm not saying you have to never speak to the guy again, but it sorta seems like he's using your feelings for him to keep you hanging around so that he has a crutch to lean on. He may not necessarily be doing it consciously, but that doesn't change anything.

Don't give ultimatums, and don't feel obligated to explain why you're pulling away or to apologize for it, either. It's not fair for him to do what he's doing, and it's best if you don't enable it.

If he really cares for you, he'll figure it out. If not, you're better off not having to play psychotherapist for an emotional vampire. Ripping the Band-Aid off quickly is much better than slowly pulling it off to try to minimize how much it hurts.

 

[LallyH]

But I agreed, because when you love someone, you want what's best for them

But he has given no indication of changing his mind over the breakup.

I didn't handle the breakup too well.

Either way, it's getting harder to be in the friend limbo I find myself in.

These comments are the ones that stand out for me.

Regardless of his feelings, this situation is continuing the pain that you felt at the breakup. Some people can handle being friends with an ex - I never could and, in this instance, you can't either. So I would tell him you can't do this any more. If he cares for you at all, he will understand that it is hurting you too much to continue to stay in touch. If he doesn't, then perhaps he is the emotional user that your mother thinks he is, perhaps hanging on to your friendship as a constant in the new life he has set out on. That isn't meant as a criticism of him - what he has done takes more guts than I have. But for your own sake, I think you need to draw a line under this.

 

[IrisAlthea]

He told you that he needed to break up with you NOT because he didn't care about you, but because he didn't think he could spare the energy to be responsible for you.

Unfortunately, he's already spending that energy. Seems that he's trying to handle it by denial. I have no idea if it will work for him or not... And I don't know if his denial will work for YOU or not.

This.
He didn't want to care but probably does anyway.

Being friends with someone who used to be a lover is doable in my experience, but only with boundaries that make clear what doesn't come with just being friends.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

If friendship isn't an option for now, my advice is, don't burn your bridges.

It helps in life to have people around who know you well and like you.



Maybe singe the bridge a little and lay down cover fire until you can get over it to a defensible position on higher ground.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Okay... I just need to preface this by saying I am saying this as kindly and as gently as possible. Unfortunately this medium does not convey tone so all you will see are the words. Please read the with a kind voice and not a snarky one. Okay?

Now...

Does he mean what he says? Does he still care? If he does, it is just a passing phase he'll get over as time goes on? The fading left overs from the end? If he doesn't mean it, is he helping mitigate his guilty feelings and stress over upsetting me by trying to make me feel better?

It doesn't really matter if he means what he says or not. He can care until the cows come home. But actions speak louder than words. For all of his words, he is not stepping up to the plate. And if he wanted to work it out, he would. If he wanted you to wait for him, he would ask. If he wanted something or you badly enough he would do what he needed to do.

Instead he is letting the break up stand, but still reaping the benefits of the relationship. Now I agree it could be unintentional. But unintentional or not, that is the way it is. And only you can say if you can handle it.

I'm torn between telling him that if he meant it, to fuck someone else so I can move the hell on, and telling him he's an idiot and I'm waiting for him.

Why does he get to decide this? He made the last and only decision he gets to make in your life when he ended the relationship. From this point on your life is your life. And you have to accept that if you stay that is your choice, that is you choosing not to move on, not him not allowing you to move on.

Now, there may be many reasons you choose not to move on. Maybe it is a hope for reconciliation, a fear of being hurt again (the whole devil you know kind of thing) or even the idea that you just don't have the energy. But I would stop giving your power away to him.

Either way, it's getting harder to be in the friend limbo I find myself in.

...<snipped>...

When do you know to give up?

Only you can know this. I would suggest you sit down and think about what you are getting out of this. Every relationship has to serve a purpose for both people in order to survive the long haul. And this is every relationship~ sexual or platonic. It is not always 50/50 but in the long run everything balances out.

What are you getting out of this relationship? And is it worth what you are putting in? I think once you have the answer to those questions you will have the answer to when/if to give up.


Again, I know that this could come off as harsh and I don't mean for it to. I hope you see that.

Good luck to you sweetie.

 

[knot_sweet]

Sorry guys, I don't know how to multi quote.

He told you that he needed to break up with you NOT because he didn't care about you, but because he didn't think he could spare the energy to be responsible for you.

Unfortunately, he's already spending that energy. Seems that he's trying to handle it by denial. I have no idea if it will work for him or not... And I don't know if his denial will work for YOU or not.

If I can see he's doing this, and a complete (albeit perceptive) stranger can see this, why can't he??

Denial I could handle if I thought there'd be any hope of clarity at some point.

But as it stands right now?

Nope, not working.

 

[knot_sweet]

Take this with a large grain of salt, considering my own epic relationship dramas, but I'd end the friend limbo.

Essentially, what he's getting is the emotional support of a girlfriend without, to use Stella's words, having to be responsible for you.

If I were in your shoes, I'd pull back. I'm not saying you have to never speak to the guy again, but it sorta seems like he's using your feelings for him to keep you hanging around so that he has a crutch to lean on. He may not necessarily be doing it consciously, but that doesn't change anything.

Don't give ultimatums, and don't feel obligated to explain why you're pulling away or to apologize for it, either. It's not fair for him to do what he's doing, and it's best if you don't enable it.

If he really cares for you, he'll figure it out. If not, you're better off not having to play psychotherapist for an emotional vampire. Ripping the Band-Aid off quickly is much better than slowly pulling it off to try to minimize how much it hurts.

After all your relationship experience, I would never take advice from you with a grain of salt.

Soooo, back away and he'll either come around or he won't?

Seems doable.

 

[knot_sweet]

I've learned this the hard way as well.

I'm a little out of sorts for more tonight... so I appologize, but i'll be brief.

Staying friends after a break up is a fairy tale. Don't chase that fairie; find a better one.

At the very least give yourself a clean cut for a couple years before you try to be friends, don't let a fresh wound like this fester.

After a little hindsight examination, it seems you're right.

I've never actually managed to stay friends with an ex, despite keeping in contact with a couple of them, we aren't what I'd actually call friends.

It'd be a shame to not be friends with this one though. He's a really good guy, despite our screwy relationship issues.

I'm not sure I can take this advice, but it is appreciated none the less.

 

[knot_sweet]

These comments are the ones that stand out for me.

Regardless of his feelings, this situation is continuing the pain that you felt at the breakup. Some people can handle being friends with an ex - I never could and, in this instance, you can't either. So I would tell him you can't do this any more. If he cares for you at all, he will understand that it is hurting you too much to continue to stay in touch. If he doesn't, then perhaps he is the emotional user that your mother thinks he is, perhaps hanging on to your friendship as a constant in the new life he has set out on. That isn't meant as a criticism of him - what he has done takes more guts than I have. But for your own sake, I think you need to draw a line under this.

*giggle snort*
My mum hates all men except my dad and my brother. She would think the worst of him, even if I was beating him up and stealing his money.

Which doesn't make your point any less valid regarding having a constant to cling to while he gets his shit together.

 

[knot_sweet]

This.
He didn't want to care but probably does anyway.

Being friends with someone who used to be a lover is doable in my experience, but only with boundaries that make clear what doesn't come with just being friends.

I didn't intend to care this much either.
So I can understand why he doesn't want to.

I'm not good at boundaries with close friends. And I'm not sure he could be relegated to the casual aquaintance collection.

But thank you for the advice.

It has helped clarify at what level I can't operate on with him.

 

[knot_sweet]

If friendship isn't an option for now, my advice is, don't burn your bridges.

It helps in life to have people around who know you well and like you.



Maybe singe the bridge a little and lay down cover fire until you can get over it to a defensible position on higher ground.

Bridges are actually fairly defensible, depending on the construction and the ground either side.

When it comes to relationships, I'm not sure there's ever a higher ground. Just less trodden and therefore less muddy.

But thankyou for the smile. you're good at that.

 

[knot_sweet]

Okay... I just need to preface this by saying I am saying this as kindly and as gently as possible. Unfortunately this medium does not convey tone so all you will see are the words. Please read the with a kind voice and not a snarky one. Okay?

Now...



It doesn't really matter if he means what he says or not. He can care until the cows come home. But actions speak louder than words. For all of his words, he is not stepping up to the plate. And if he wanted to work it out, he would. If he wanted you to wait for him, he would ask. If he wanted something or you badly enough he would do what he needed to do.

Yep, I want to see your point, because it's sensible and you're more than likely right. But I also know he's not good at stepping up. When things are stressful, he circles the wagons and dithers for a while. It's his least admirable trait. So there is the possibility he's just waiting for things to calm down before making a choice. There's where that little bugger called hope comes in.

Instead he is letting the break up stand, but still reaping the benefits of the relationship. Now I agree it could be unintentional. But unintentional or not, that is the way it is. And only you can say if you can handle it.

You're right. He is still getting the good stuff. The problem and the fault with that lies with me. Right now, he's not getting anything other than what I would do for any of my friends. It's just the background emotion that's different.


Why does he get to decide this? He made the last and only decision he gets to make in your life when he ended the relationship. From this point on your life is your life. And you have to accept that if you stay that is your choice, that is you choosing not to move on, not him not allowing you to move on.

Now, there may be many reasons you choose not to move on. Maybe it is a hope for reconciliation, a fear of being hurt again (the whole devil you know kind of thing) or even the idea that you just don't have the energy. But I would stop giving your power away to him.

He get's to decide this because in the end, it will have the greatest impact on his life. My life won't change that much either way. The only change in my life will be moving to another state if he decides to be with me. And I've moved so often now it's actually normal. Admittedly though, I've started putting roots down here. Nothing deep enough to grow from yet, and still easily pulled up if I need to. So still, it's his life that will change more having me in it.

Only you can know this. I would suggest you sit down and think about what you are getting out of this. Every relationship has to serve a purpose for both people in order to survive the long haul. And this is every relationship~ sexual or platonic. It is not always 50/50 but in the long run everything balances out.

What are you getting out of this relationship? And is it worth what you are putting in? I think once you have the answer to those questions you will have the answer to when/if to give up.

What do I get out of it? He's a good guy, who under other circumstances, I would be great friends with. Now it's a case of can I be just friends with someone who has been more and it didn't end badly?

Again, I know that this could come off as harsh and I don't mean for it to. I hope you see that.

Good luck to you sweetie.

Nah, you didn't come across as harsh and you have nothing to appologise for.
Thankyou for your insight and advice.

 

[JamieJ424]

If it were me, I would say this. Tell him flat out you want to be with him, but if he doesnt want that then okay, but you can't be his friend because your feelings are still too intense and you need time away to get clarity. Tell him if friendship is really all he wants, to contact you in six months or a year but to leave you in peace till then.

J

 

[blulilacgrl]

Nah, you didn't come across as harsh and you have nothing to appologise for.
Thankyou for your insight and advice.

Just a thought and then I will leave it be. You said this:

You're right. He is still getting the good stuff. The problem and the fault with that lies with me. Right now, he's not getting anything other than what I would do for any of my friends. It's just the background emotion that's different.

But is he really only getting what everyone else gets? Would you put your life on hod (I mean that only in a relationship sense) for any of your other friends? Would you not move on to other relationships and not make new friends for the sake of any of your other friends?


I wish you luck and hope it works out for you.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Bridges are actually fairly defensible, depending on the construction and the ground either side.

When it comes to relationships, I'm not sure there's ever a higher ground. Just less trodden and therefore less muddy.

But thankyou for the smile. you're good at that.

Wait. I want a do-over on the metaphor!

 

[njlauren]

Without knowing you or him, I can't tell you this is a definitive answer, but one thing I wonder about is he said he couldn't be responsible for you while he was in training, and what did that mean? You are military you said, are able to take care of yourself, emotionally and otherwise, so why would you be a burden emotionally? What I wonder about is did he break it off with you because he was afraid that being separated, you would cheat and he couldn't deal with the worry about that? (considering an ex cheated, not surprising). ...

What this sounds to me is he broke off the sexual relationship, but is still using you for the emotional support, it is like being in a relationship but not fully committing to it. It is obvious this is hurting you, and my answer would be is in one sense, he is being selfish, this is a one way relationship. He wants you to be there for him to be his emotional support, his anchor, but he doesn't want to be in a relationship, commit to you, because he is afraid, so he is leaving you high and dry. The kind of support you are describing is not what you do for a friend (I have supported friends through all kinds of things, male and female, cheating spouses, death of a spouse, death of a relative, false accusations of committing a crime, being fired, you name it...), it is taking without giving. This is a classic example of what my therapist called 'playing tennis by yourself', and it doesn't work.

I think you need to have a serious talk with him, because this can't go on, reading what you have written. You have a lot of alternatives, you can simply tell him he broke it off, and this half in the bag thing won't work, and that you both need to move on.

If you have hopes of reconciliation, that it is just about the stresses of the current time, you always have the option of saying "I think we need to break this off, I can't deal with what you are doing, I care about you, but this is hurting me", and tell him something like "I think we need to move on, but if sometime in the future you think there is some idea of a relationship for us, I leave the door open, but I can't promise that I will be there either". Among other things, if you finally break it off, you may find someone else, and it wouldn't be fair to him to then suddenly talk to this guy, and say "oh, wow, yeah, let's get back together".....

I think that breaking it off is the only way maybe he will see that you cannot take what he is doing, and have to make some decisions.

One thing that concerns me if you guys do reconcile, and that is a matter of trust. If as I posited he can't deal with being in a relationship with you for fear of your cheating (after all, in the current thing you have, there is no sex, so even if you did, he is protected...) while he is in training and such, what would happen in the future? If he or you both are in the military, he or if you are still in, you, could be deployed anywhere at any time...so what then? Does he take a break there, too? I think you need to talk to him more about where he is coming from with this, because this may not just be about being in basic training, and could have implications if you guys stay together or get together again sometime down the road......

I wish you luck ,hopefully my thoughts helped a bit..reading the other people's posts, they are dead spot in IMO as well, blulila was especially on target.

 

[pfflyerhot]

Let's see... Ask him. He should know.

 

[run_silent]

If it putting your life on hold I would say stop doing it. I think he is confused and can't decide what to do.

I don't think you should keep your life in turmoil. Tell him you can't stay in this muddled situation. You need to tell him to find another outlet for his feelings or except the fact that you don't want to give him up and will accept what ever he is willing to give you.

Sorry. All I am offering only tough love.

 

[LallyH]

I'd really like to know how things turn out for you, if you feel able to share.

 

[knot_sweet]

I'd really like to know how things turn out for you, if you feel able to share.

Without putting him under too much external emotional pressure...he's got another 14 weeks of basic training...So trying to confront him or talk to him openly from the other end of the country is out of the question.

I've stopped making first contact. I reply to e-mails / messages in a brief but supportive manner but don't send the usual chit chat and normality stuff that I would every day.

And beyond saying "Yeah, I'm fine" don't discuss how I'm doing when he asks.

So I'm taking the Super Bunny's advice and just slowly backing away.

I still feel like shit.

It hurts like hell.

But it's early days and I have no idea how this will end.

I'll be sure to let everyone know if it turns out well.

And if I'm still single in a few months, you'll all know it didn't turn out how I hoped.

Either way, I'll be alright. A bit worse for wear if it goes badly, but alright.

No-one dies from unrequited love.

 

[Netzach]

If it were me, I would say this. Tell him flat out you want to be with him, but if he doesnt want that then okay, but you can't be his friend because your feelings are still too intense and you need time away to get clarity. Tell him if friendship is really all he wants, to contact you in six months or a year but to leave you in peace till then.

J

You could do this. Or get really busy for about 4-6 months, having similar results if friendship is really meant to be. It's just time to put something else in the center. You'll feel shitty till you don't, it's just how it is.

 

[midwestyankee]

That thing where lovers break up, only to reconcile a month or so later after a sad montage of cheesy songs and the consumption of hundreds of lattés doesn't really happen. It's an invention of the rom-com industry just as "happily ever after" was an invention of the fairy tale industry.

He's using you and you're not getting any value out of the usage. This can't end well, no matter who you hire to write the script.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Without putting him under too much external emotional pressure...he's got another 14 weeks of basic training...So trying to confront him or talk to him openly from the other end of the country is out of the question.

I've stopped making first contact. I reply to e-mails / messages in a brief but supportive manner but don't send the usual chit chat and normality stuff that I would every day.

And beyond saying "Yeah, I'm fine" don't discuss how I'm doing when he asks.

So I'm taking the Super Bunny's advice and just slowly backing away.

I still feel like shit.

It hurts like hell.

But it's early days and I have no idea how this will end.

I'll be sure to let everyone know if it turns out well.

And if I'm still single in a few months, you'll all know it didn't turn out how I hoped.

Either way, I'll be alright. A bit worse for wear if it goes badly, but alright.

No-one dies from unrequited love.

>Hug<