A little lost - Switch or not?

[Lisythea]

Hello to everyone here, this is my very first post here (and my very first post on a forum in a long time actually, I've missed it.)

I don't want to make this too long so I'm going to try to be as direct as I can.

Basically, I'm a sexual assault survivor which has impacted every corner of my life, especially my sexuality.

I dated the same person for five years and we both got quickly bored with vanilla sex. He was aware of what had happened to me and was always very afraid of hurting me in any sort of ways (which didn't always feel nice but well...). It turned out that he was also sexually submissive and, without giving it much though, I sort of slipped into the dominant role.

At first it felt great. I'm a control freak in life, or more, I became one. Having things under control and go the way I had planned was very exciting. Looking back at it, it was definitely about reclaiming my sexuality and creating what I considered as safer situations.

He was satisfied, and I was too. He was not bratty at all, very obedient, which started to bother me a bit at some point. We tried to switch but it didn't really work for him, or more like it didn't really work for me. I never felt dominated by him, he would still ask for permissions and behind all of that, the same fear of hurting me. I just went along with things but I ended up pretty bored with our sex life in the end.

Now, we have split up and I had an other experience as a dom which I found enjoyable, but I have been wondering since. Am I a dom? Am I a switch? Am I a sub? I guess for the last one, with no real experience I couldn't really say.

If anyone has advice, thoughts or similar stories I could relate too, I'd appreciate a lot!

 

[tryn2Bgood]

No one can answer that question for you. Maybe you're none of those things. Maybe you just like kinky sex or trying new things. Or a little experimenting to see what really turns you on. I would'nt worry about trying to find a label, just see what things you enjoy and what characteristics you find appealing in a partner and go from there.

 

[John Blackhawk]

Well to answer your question its hard to say, at first id say you do sound like you could be a switch. But the problem is if i were in your former bf's position and i knew you were a sexual assault survivor i'd treat you gently to. Because i would never want to do anything to make you relive past trauma. And that's even taking into account i consider myself having pure dominant tendancies.

But the question to ask here is as a control freak do you ever get to the point where your preference is to hand over the decision making to someone else?

 

[yukonnights]

I'm not going to try and offer any specific advice/opinion...but it has been said by many submissive people of both genders that it is nice for them to just let go once in awhile and let someone else be the one in charge.

In regard to where one stands in the Dom to sub dynamic there is a little self test that's been going around for awhile where you can test yourself. I did it and found it to be pretty much accurate with what I have long thought about myself.

Here's a link to the Literotica Thread for the BDSM test : http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1156475&highlight=bdsmtest.org

 

[Nezhul]

Dom, switch, sub - they are generalizations that often don't cover the whole point entirely. There are so many kinks and fetishes, so many desires that you can experience, that it's really hard to generalize it into one word.

For me, personally, I define them as such:
Dom - only dominant desires, doesn't have fantasies to submit.
Sub - similarly, only submissive desires.
Switch - can enjoy it both ways.

Notice that just like there may be all shades and colors of Submissives, for example, ranging from sweet pets to hardcore masochists - there are all sorts of switches.

Some switches will need to experience both worlds. They will feel strong desire to both submit and dominate.
Some will be completely fine doing just one of those things.
Yet other type may find themselves only able to play one role with one partner. If you submit - you submit. But then they will change a relationship and find themselves enjoying dominating, but they wouldn't be able to submit to the person they dominate.

And in the end - what does it matter? Do you really need a label of sorts? I don't think so. You have desires, and that's it. It may as well be an explosive blend of being both a masochist and a sadist or something, but that doesn't matter at all, does it?

Label yourself anything - say you are a pink bunny with sharp spikes, if you want - just share your kinks with your partner and do whatever you want and like doing together.

Good luck

 

[Lisythea]

i'd treat you gently to

Which I understand, it's never an easy situation to process, on both sides. However I can't bear the thought of living my life with people close to me treating me like I'm some kind of fragile object, which is what I felt with my past partner.
When it comes to decision-making, in the right context at the right time, yes, I do wish to give it up.

Thank you for the test, I'll try and see

pink bunny with sharp spikes

That sounds perfect! You are right, I might have been overthinking the whole situation.